LDR is moving TOO FAST, and I don't know how to communicate my feelings to him

[strawberrypancake]

Hello there, first time poster here.

 

I have been in a LDR for 3 months now. He has visited me 3 times since we got together, usually for 2-4 days. We talk on Skype almost every night, text back and forth throughout the day... He makes me very happy.

After I got out of a rather bad relationship last Summer, I am really enjoying to have found someone who I click with and who cares about me.

 

However, I have a little bit of a doubt, and here is why:

 

Yesterday we had a party with my friends, drank a bit too much...

We went to bed, then he got up and started packing his things passive aggressively, I asked what was happening, he wasn't leaving til the morning, and he said "Well, you don't really want to be with me anyway, you are just with me to get over your ex! You know, I just really love you and I can't stand not being with you for so long, all the time!"

1.) I cried, I was hurt, that he would suggest something like me using him to get over my ex. I didn't think he would be jealous or insecure like that, and I don't know where this came from, as I really am very much into him and show him that as well.

2.) I was super overwhelmed by him saying "I love you" and I didn't think it would be said for the first time in such a context - I really disliked it. I also think it is way too early to say these words, and I am not ready to say it, although I do feel falling in love with him very much, and care for him deeply.

This morning then he apologised for his 'dramatic rant', he said he's never felt this way about anybody before and that he's really frustrated about the Long Distance aspect, that it brings out a really insecure, impatient and jealous side in him, which he usually hides, but when he had something to drink he just burst out with it.

 

Additionally, he recently started talking about moving here in April, and while I really really want to be in the same place as him, I feel a lot of pressure, especially with university being super stressful right now and me not really knowing where my head is most of the time... I enjoy the LDR aspect, as it gives me more time to focus on my studies, and also because (until last night/this morning), I felt super comfortable with the pace of our (still young) relationship... it's only been 3 months after all, and I do already feel VERY close to him, but always felt like the distance is a good buffer, to occasionally reflect and slow things down again when they start going to fast.

I admit in the past I often rushed into relationships, and because I like HIM so much, I really wanted to take things slow, do things right for once.

 

I feel really conflicted, first the talk about moving, now the "I Love you", and while the thought of being in the same place as him and knowing he loves me makes me super happy, hopeful and secure, I really am scared things might move too fast.

It seems as if he is really set on quitting his job to move here and be with me. It scares me so much. I don't know what to tell him and what to do. His insecure nature sort of puts pressure on me, as I am scared to tell him how I feel about these future plans, especially because I didn't say "I love you" back yet, I am afraid he will just feel like I don't want to be with him at all if I bring it up. I also worry that there won't be a future for us, because obviously I am OK with the LDR and he really wants to be in the same place ASAP -- (I am getting my degree May 2016 and wouldn't mind making plans for AFTER that with him, when we've been together for 1,5 years or so, but .. now? No way I can make such important future decisions 3 months into a relationship).

 

This is really hard on me. Can someone give some advice?

I don't want to lose him, but i don't know how to find a middle ground here..

Edited February 22, 2015 by strawberrypancake

[d0nnivain]

Middle ground: I like what we have & I would like to see where it goes. You are free to move where you want nut at this point please don't move here just for me. We see each other more than many in an LDR. Even if you were closer, my studies have to come 1st. So we'd maybe get to see each other 1 time a week rather than 1 time per month but I still have responsibilities to school. I also don't know where I'm going to end up after school so I would hate to make you move 2x.

[strawberrypancake]

Middle ground: I like what we have & I would like to see where it goes. You are free to move where you want nut at this point please don't move here just for me. We see each other more than many in an LDR. Even if you were closer, my studies have to come 1st. So we'd maybe get to see each other 1 time a week rather than 1 time per month but I still have responsibilities to school. I also don't know where I'm going to end up after school so I would hate to make you move 2x.

 

I think this sounds very reasonable. Especially liked the Freudian slip (I underlined it) >> I think it would be nuts of him to move here now.

Thanks for the input. Still anxious about talking to him... must wait for right moment...

[justwhoiam]

I think you should be honest with him regarding your feelings and your point of view. You can even start from afar, letting him get to know you better, with statements like "You know, it really takes time for me before I can make a decision and feel good about it." Or "Well, it really takes time for me before I can actually let myself go completely, even when I'm head over heels in love. I need some time to see how things work out between us, it must be my rational side getting in the way." Etc.

 

Just take all those things out, don't keep him in the dark, because one day, he might get a really bad surprise, and it might be an awful day for him. He's willing to invest in the relationship, and you're not, at this point. A man who's willing to invest in a relationship is a step ahead, because he must have gone through pros and cons already, in his mind. But he definitely needs to know where you stand, before his feelings get crushed (even worse).

 

And now my personal consideration. Overall, it's good that you take one step at a time and you don't want to rush into things. But also allow yourself to be flexible and not to just go with the things you had thought out for yourself. Just to put it simple, it's like the woman who makes the resolution to be single for at least a year and then finds the best guy ever 6 months in, and she makes it a point to stick with her plan, because that's what she had decided........... I don't know if it makes sense, but just give it some thought and you might start seeing things more in perspective.

[Buddhist]

Histrionic alert.