More dead end OK Cupid conversations. No follow through

[neowulf]

Not all women are alike. Find an approach that has a statistically sound chance of success and just keep applying it.

 

What do I mean?

 

How I hacked online dating:

 

That woman, through the study of people's profiles, figured out how to elevate herself and find the kinds of matches she was looking for.

 

She didn't sit around bemoaning how flakey men are or how big a jerks they can be.

 

If you're being told your approach isn't working, the answer isn't to argue with people that it should.

 

The answer is to adapt and try something else. That something else might simply be putting together and approach and having faith that you've done your home work. Now it's just a numbers game.

 

Also, while I get your frustrated, try and remember that the people here are generally just trying to help.

Edited February 23, 2015 by neowulf

[rester]

Well, she never expressed what she was looking for in a man in her profile, that's WHY I asked...it's pretty much a no brainer in this case.

 

It's like giving HER homework, more like YOU'RE the one that thinks it's homework. You're a rare exception.

 

Funny, even picky about the questions you're ASKED? A man doesn't stand a chance.

 

On the other hand, this is something that you would only like to have emailed to you. You don't represent all the women on dating sites.

 

Also, how as my first message long? It's short and rather succinct.

 

 

 

Then whatever advice given above is moot.

 

Why do get so defensive when someone takes the time to give you advice? Thread after thread you get excellent opinions and advice from men, and more importantly, women, but instead of graciously accepting the advice, you tell them why they are wrong and defend yourself. Listen to these women! They know what they are talking about.

[rester]

Lol! I wish people wouldn't get defensive over the advice they asked for. *blows out candles*

 

@Lookatthispost: I don't know you and have no vested interest if you get a date or not. The fact is other women have told you they don't like the question you asked and that is more than likely what contributed to her silence. If you are still struggling, either seek advice on different opening messages, have someone critique your OLD profile, or accept that you are like many men who will have to deal with lots of dead end conversations. Doesn't make you a bad guy, just have to be resilient and patient. Best of luck.

 

One of the absolute best life lessons I've ever learned was to accept constructive criticism and take it to heart. Posters are trying to help you, OP.

 

How difficult is it to say, "hey, you know, I never thought that question would be a bad one to ask. Thanks for the perspective."

[elaine567]

Why do you want to know what she is looking for?

She has chosen to speak to you, but you ask the question and she answers is looking for an F1 racing car driver with a villa in Monaco and a yacht on the Med?

End of conversation.

 

It is an inane question and is not going to progress getting to know her any, as she is most likely to come up with the stock answers, like intelligent, kind, GSOH, likes kids and animals. Are you that man? Or are you going to say I don't like animals or I am pretty thick?

 

It is a setting yourself up to fail type of question as you either say you are everything she wants and she is suspicious of your motives or you are not what she says she wants and you kindly reminded her of that, so she walks away.

[LookAtThisPOst]

How about I send a video of my talent? :-)

 

 

Why do you want to know what she is looking for?

She has chosen to speak to you, but you ask the question and she answers is looking for an F1 racing car driver with a villa in Monaco and a yacht on the Med?

End of conversation.

 

It is an inane question and is not going to progress getting to know her any, as she is most likely to come up with the stock answers, like intelligent, kind, GSOH, likes kids and animals. Are you that man? Or are you going to say I don't like animals or I am pretty thick?

 

It is a setting yourself up to fail type of question as you either say you are everything she wants and she is suspicious of your motives or you are not what she says she wants and you kindly reminded her of that, so she walks away.

[MidwestUSA]

Why do get so defensive when someone takes the time to give you advice? Thread after thread you get excellent opinions and advice from men, and more importantly, women, but instead of graciously accepting the advice, you tell them why they are wrong and defend yourself. Listen to these women! They know what they are talking about.

 

If you check the track record, you'll see that it's never going to happen. Anyone who maxes out at 500+ threads asking the same things over and over, then has to start over under a new username......yea, right.

 

 

Well, I can't be of any help; I've been married for twenty years. Whatev.

[GemmaUK]

Been there, done that. Bought the T Shirt. In the past I had been original, naming specific parks if they enjoy hiking.

If they are a foodie...I name a few restaurants in the area that would be familiar, etc etc.

 

That all being said I've been kind of fading away from online dating as my success at getting dates with women at Meetups have been quite positive as of late.

 

The last couple of women I dated weren't quite on the grid with social network ing.

 

 

So, give us an example of how you made talking about parks and restaurants original and funny.

A bit of context would help.

[kendahke]

Keep aside your dislike for me and look at what you got so far in this thread. You've got 3 ladies that are saying the exact same thing to you.

 

4 now.

 

It's a lame question and one I'm sick of answering.

 

You want to know what I respond to? Questions or remarks about something I've said in my profile or questions I've answered--which spells out what I like.

 

Being asked that question tells me that you only looked at my pictures and didn't read the profile. Mine is not a dissertation--it'll take less than 2 minutes to read through it. If you bother to read the questions that I've answered, you'd find out even more.

 

If you're too lazy to research, then I'm not going to be very interested in spelling it out, yet again, to you.

 

But seeing that you're having better luck with meetups, then I'd say you've solved your own problem and answering that question is really non sequitur.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Im on OKC and here is why I don't reply to certain people. I started out (and continue sometimes) to always be polite to people, and even to give almost everyone a chance beyond the first glance. BUT... Ive been on enough IRL dates now to now that certain types of guys really don't click with my lifestyle (I am pretty alternative in a lot of ways) so why waste each others time? And when I try to politely reply that I appreciate their interest but am not interested in return they grill me on it like they can change my mind.

So, I still sometimes reply with a no thank you or a casual conversation that should indicate that I am not interested romantically, and it still doesn't compute. So I am about to turn off my profile there, mostly because I feel so bad turning down the guys I talk to.

 

You might say, why not date these guys? The chance of one of them being the exception to the rule is still there, no matter how slim.

Well, I live 30-45 minutes away from almost anywhere, and don't have a ton of spending money for going out, for one. Almost every guy I have ever dated treats me like I am an easy lay just because I am sex-positive, and open about my sexuality and preferences in that area. They don't pause long enough to read those preferences and see if they fit them. They just see that I am willing to talk about sex and message me. Further, when I try to ask about the differences I perceive in our beliefs, so as to ascertain the reality of a possible 'spark' they gloss over it and try to dirty talk me from the get-go!

So I might be a little biased, but to use OKC's parlance, why talk to someone who is 20% your match? Or even 50%, if the questions that you match on are all superficial things?

I have met more people on their for successful non-sexual relationships than for romantic ones.

[kolleamm]

What online dating has become :

 

Me: Hello how are you my name is ( )

 

Her : Hi

 

Me : It says on your profile that you play the guitar, are you really good at it?

 

Problem : I was coming on too strong when I used the word guitar

 

______

 

Me : Hey, my name is ( ) , I see that you also like reading Harry Potter

 

Problem : I forgot to add a period at the end of the sentence, instant deal breaker.

_____

Me : Hey, my name is ( )

 

Her : k

 

Me : Go @#$% yourself

 

Turns into the longest conversation of my life and ends up making a friend.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have met more people on their for successful non-sexual relationships than for romantic ones.

 

And for a sex-positive person, that doesn't cut it. Anyhow, I know what you mean. I think the reason men do what they do with you is because they are so delighted that after being ignored by tons of women that someone would even RESPOND to them, that they'll take ANY crumb as a potential date and attempt to move forward to a meeting.

 

So it's kind of like a self-eating watermelon.

 

It's gotten to a point where women are getting so inundated by emails and disclaiming in their profiles, "If I don't respond, it means I wasn't interested."

 

Since you live in a small town and being the more free-spirited person that you are, ever consider relocating to more of a "New Age" community or a city with where you can be on the same page or have your Shakras in line with others? :-)

 

I recall seeing atheists moving to Bible beater regions, and I was like "Man, they're out-of-luck." LOL

[fitnessfan365]

Women on OKC are notorious for pen palling with no real interest. Three things I watch out for.

 

1) She responds to your email without viewing your profile. This for me is an automatic delete.

 

2) She sends a one sentence reply only answering the question you asked her. Doesn't expand on anything else in the email. Once again, automatic delete for me.

 

3) I always exchange three emails before getting a number. If she hasn't asked me at least one thing about myself in three emails, I don't get the number and stop corresponding all together.

[LookAtThisPOst]

2) She sends a one sentence reply only answering the question you asked her. Doesn't expand on anything else in the email. Once again, automatic delete for me.

 

Yes, this is what I was pretty much conveying in the original post. This pretty much sums it up.

[salparadise]

I messaged a woman on OKC that has a 99/2 match-enemy with me. The interaction was 3-4 messages each. I tried to get some real interaction going by writing a few paragraphs each time, with her responses getting shorter each time. Her last message to me was, "Interesting..." Apparently not.

 

I feel like writing back and explaining how the whole interaction thing is supposed to work. But the reality is that she's quite attractive, so unless I provide evidence of wealth and high social status, 99/2 doesn't mean squat to her.

 

I have always advocated online dating, making the effort to do it well, etc. But I'm having a dry spell and finding it frustrating. There just isn't anyone interesting in the picture at the moment- if they're interesting to me, I'm not interesting to them, and visa versa.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yea. I get a kick out of that so called percentage stat. As if it actually meant anything. Lol

 

I messaged a woman on OKC that has a 99/2 match-enemy with me. The interaction was 3-4 messages each. I tried to get some real interaction going by writing a few paragraphs each time, with her responses getting shorter each time. Her last message to me was, "Interesting..." Apparently not.

 

I feel like writing back and explaining how the whole interaction thing is supposed to work. But the reality is that she's quite attractive, so unless I provide evidence of wealth and high social status, 99/2 doesn't mean squat to her.

 

I have always advocated online dating, making the effort to do it well, etc. But I'm having a dry spell and finding it frustrating. There just isn't anyone interesting in the picture at the moment- if they're interesting to me, I'm not interesting to them, and visa versa.

[kendahke]

Yea. I get a kick out of that so called percentage stat. As if it actually meant anything. Lol

 

I've found that it does make a difference.

 

I've had some really cool conversations with people with whom I've got +85% match rating (that's my cut off number-anything below that I don't bother with. Life's too short for obvious incompatibility from the jump) and they've stopped talking and disappeared. That's just how OLD goes.

 

Having said that, just because we have high match percentages also doesn't mean that I find that person attractive. I'm entitled to my preferences, as is everyone. I and no other person on dating sites owes anyone anything just because they have an interest in me.

 

The man I'm currently dating is 87% match; he's about an inch shorter than me, he's overweight, but he is the coolest guy I've met in a long, long time. We really like one another and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. So, no--it's not always about the man with the washboard abs and the tonnes of cash. It's about the man who is honest, fun and has integrity and a rapier wit/sense of humor. His sarcasm is delicious.

[GemmaUK]

What online dating has become :

 

Me: Hello how are you my name is ( )

 

Her : Hi

 

Me : It says on your profile that you play the guitar, are you really good at it?

 

Problem : I was coming on too strong when I used the word guitar

 

______

 

Me : Hey, my name is ( ) , I see that you also like reading Harry Potter

 

Problem : I forgot to add a period at the end of the sentence, instant deal breaker.

_____

Me : Hey, my name is ( )

 

Her : k

 

Me : Go @#$% yourself

 

Turns into the longest conversation of my life and ends up making a friend.

 

 

Yeah but say you contact a business or a friend...

You're not going to just say 'Hi, my name is xyz' and wait for a reply before elaborating at all are you?

Or 'Hi' to a friend with nothing else in the email?

 

 

It's a given that attraction has to be there (so always keep pics very up to date and show face and body shots) but also what makes a man stand out is just a bit of humour and normal conversation - like you have with your friends.

 

 

When I am talking to a guy when I do OLD the main thing for me is him keeping up his side of a conversation.

 

 

Wierdly..and I have no idea why this happens but you can be having a good conversation one day and then the next day he will send 'how are you today?' so the good convo is killed and you start out from scratch.

Why do men do that?

[kolleamm]

Yeah but say you contact a business or a friend...

You're not going to just say 'Hi, my name is xyz' and wait for a reply before elaborating at all are you?

Or 'Hi' to a friend with nothing else in the email?

 

 

It's a given that attraction has to be there (so always keep pics very up to date and show face and body shots) but also what makes a man stand out is just a bit of humour and normal conversation - like you have with your friends.

 

 

When I am talking to a guy when I do OLD the main thing for me is him keeping up his side of a conversation.

 

 

Wierdly..and I have no idea why this happens but you can be having a good conversation one day and then the next day he will send 'how are you today?' so the good convo is killed and you start out from scratch.

Why do men do that?

Honestly I think the "how are you" is just because writing is a pain in the butt in general. Like doing homework lol

[GemmaUK]

Honestly I think the "how are you" is just because writing is a pain in the butt in general. Like doing homework lol

 

 

Then its simple, just keep away from OLD if you don't like writing.

[salparadise]

Wierdly..and I have no idea why this happens but you can be having a good conversation one day and then the next day he will send 'how are you today?' so the good convo is killed and you start out from scratch.

Why do men do that?

 

Yea, it's not just men. I have often felt that women were putting the impetus on me to keep the conversation alive because they expect me to pursue while they play the demure princess. That doesn't work for me. If I'm not sensing some enthusiasm and a willingness to hold up her end, then I'll flip it and start doing short answers too... and it fades out.

 

I had a woman write that she wasn't feeling much interest about a month ago. I wrote back and pointed out that I had been making quite an effort to bring up interesting topics and she was responding to my messages with only a sentence or two. She said something to the effect that she'd been hoping for a little more from me... it became obvious that she didn't see it as a fifty-fifty kind of thing.

[MissBee]

I contacted a woman on OK Cupid, told her a little about myself and I asked her "How long have you been single and living in <name of City>?"

 

Her: "LOL Too long....for 15 years!"

 

Me: Oh okay, what is it you're looking for in a man?"

 

No response.

 

This has happened to me a few times where they just answer your question, give a "LOL" at the end of the sentence, but never follow through

 

It happens...

 

I mean what to do? You brush it off and move on from it.

 

That's personally why I ignore if not interested, because I find that if I try to respond for polite's sake obviously the man will further the conversation even though I'm not interested or maybe the conversation is fine but I'm not into him, then I end up forgetting to reply or don't bother to. So that's why I vote for not bothering to respond at all...no harm no foul. It's better than responding initially then ignoring later when you lose interest.

[MissBee]

For what it's worth I don't like getting a first message that is too long and the man is going into too much about himself. I prefer a message where the guy says his name that he liked my profile and would like to know more about me. To me these long messages about themselves is just a copy and paste they use at repetition.

 

Also, what are you looking for in a man is not the type of question you ask on a 2nd message. It's like giving her homework. I hate that question. Try to be casual for 3-4 messages to get a feel of her then if you 2 have a good rapport go ahead and ask the big questions.

 

Ditto.

 

I agree. That cannot be your second question. For me, I also provide a snippet of what I'm looking for by saying I like men who xyz....so if a man asks me that question it would be clear he didn't read my profile.

 

But in any event, we need some rapport...one good question that I like for men to asks is since I mention I love cooking and trying new recipes and I like travel, they will early on in the conversation (after saying what caught their eye in my profile) ask me where are my favorite places I've visited or where do I want to go next or what's my favorite thing to cook and say something about their own cooking skills. Such things develop into a good rapport and a casual conversation that let's me get a feel for them and their style of chit chat and then once I'm really interested we exchange numbers and all other deeper and/or more personal questions like what I'm looking for with dating, how long I've been single , what I look for in a man come later on in the phone conversation. But coming out of the gate with those feels like an interview and not a more organic process after rapport has been built.

[LookAtThisPOst]

But in any event, we need some rapport...one good question that I like for men to asks is since I mention I love cooking and trying new recipes and I like travel, they will early on in the conversation (after saying what caught their eye in my profile) ask me where are my favorite places I've visited or where do I want to go next or what's my favorite thing to cook and say something about their own cooking skills.

 

I've done that myself in previous emails to women. I mention I'm a novice cook and would ask them what their favorite dishes they enjoy cooking. Same with the outdoors, I would see something like that in their profile and ask what their favorite parks are in the area that they like to hike, camp, etc.

 

But, still...sometimes no response no matter how specific I get.

 

I figure I would just for starters say, "Hi, I see you're into the outdoors, so am I...look at/ read my profile..and if you're interested...feel free to contact me."

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah I know what you mean...there's this one woman that lives close to me on OK cupid...97% match, only 12% enemy.

 

She kind of rants in her profile about not wanting to be "pen-pals" and wants someone that lives pretty close and among that a lot of other things that I tend to gripe about as well...so it looks like we could relate.

 

The only reason I contacted her was because the 97% tends to sync up with what she's saying IN her profile...it's pretty lengthy, and I mirror some of the frustrations she's displayed in her profile...so basically I would point out some of the things we have in common there and of course that we do share a common value system, ethics (rated high in ethics and sex, lol).

 

She mentions she's doesn't really like the idea of online dating as she's rather old-school when it comes to that kind of thing.

 

Surprisingly she even put up her weight in her profile and acknowledges her imperfections by saying, "I'm not a super model, so if that's what you're into, please don't' waste my time."

 

 

Of course, never got a response...but I'll be seeing her at an event tomorrow night, so I might try to transition my way into her life by getting to know her in person...not sure if I should bring up OK Cupid though saying,

 

"Oh, by the way, we're 97% compatible according to OK Cupid." LOL Not sure if I should open with that...but also..I'm not sure she'll recognize me. *Shrug*...so we'll see as I'm trying an hour to this event, but she only lives a half hour away from me.

 

 

 

I know of her from the Meetup from a long time ago, noticed she's going to an even

 

I've found that it does make a difference.

 

I've had some really cool conversations with people with whom I've got +85% match rating (that's my cut off number-anything below that I don't bother with. Life's too short for obvious incompatibility from the jump) and they've stopped talking and disappeared. That's just how OLD goes.

 

Having said that, just because we have high match percentages also doesn't mean that I find that person attractive. I'm entitled to my preferences, as is everyone. I and no other person on dating sites owes anyone anything just because they have an interest in me.

 

The man I'm currently dating is 87% match; he's about an inch shorter than me, he's overweight, but he is the coolest guy I've met in a long, long time. We really like one another and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. So, no--it's not always about the man with the washboard abs and the tonnes of cash. It's about the man who is honest, fun and has integrity and a rapier wit/sense of humor. His sarcasm is delicious.

[Philosopher]

In my experience if a women replies with a one line reply in which they merely answer your question and don't ask any questions themselves then it almost certain that the conversation will not progress any further. This sort of reply probably meant that she was not interested to begin with.

 

There could be multiple reasons why she was not interested in you. She might not have liked your message, as many others here have suggested, alternatively she may have not been that attracted to you or she may not have thought you two were compatible from your profile. Unfortunately it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact reason however. My advice would just be to move on to the next women. If you end up having conversations with a very low percentage of women then it suggests that either your messages, pictures or profile need tweaking.