It's over.. How do you live a 'new normal'?

[DKT3]

My husband and I separated last year and he moved out. We don't have a future due to what I've done and my feelings towards the A. Even if I wanted that (which he's said he like to try again) I'd have to tell him the complete story (as from July) so my marriage is not an option. Maybe down the line I'll tell him but once he's moved on. My children are settled seeing him regularly, they need to come first.

 

No, I read the part where you said your husband left. Left isn't divorced. You not telling has nothing to do with his feelings and everything to do with you being a coward, just as hyou are complaining about MM being one.

 

If you actually cared about your husband you would give him the information he needs to make the best decision for him. I don't and never have believed that "not tell for them" crap.

 

The thing is, you will have to deal with the end of your marriage. The most likely outcome here is time passes, distance grows between you and MM then guess what, you start missing your husband, you start thinking about all the sh*tty things you've done to him. And maybe about how good he was to you. That's when you need to leave him alone, now? Well now its easy. Now you think you are in control of that relationship. The time will come when you feel differently.

[Lady2163]

And I'm on the other side of the fence. I say NEVER tell the BS. If you are planning to divorce him, that won't make him feel any better. If you are plan ing to reconcile and be devoted to them for the rest of your life, that information can cause years of turmoil.

 

I never confirmed anything with my exH, I was not faithful during the two times we separated. Both times I was planning to divorce.

 

And, 15 years after the divorce, I dont want or need to know if he cheated that last year of awful marriage. It changes nothing. I didn't love him romantically anymore, he didn't love me romantically anymore.

[Chasing_mya]

I'm sorry for your pain and I imagine you may be so hurt and confused. I think he has chosen to work things out in his marriage. The situation with the kids was always there and in the back of his mind. He just chose to use that as an excuse to go back to his wife. He probably did have a hard time leaving her and his family and made the decision to give it another try. Let him go sweety and understand that he did you a favor. Focus on what you want to do with regard to your marriage. Do you want to work things out with H or divorce and move on? You need time alone to reflect on these things. Marriages have survived affairs and some do come out stronger from it. Do some soul searching and take it one day at a time. I'd say block and go NC but I'm not sure if you're ready for that just yet. He's clearly said alot with his actions....Wishing you the best!

[the_artist_1970]

Oh, and one more thing: I think that "hysterical bonding" thing is a myth in relationships that have gone that far down the path of disconnect. If he was in love with you, any bonding at home is probably half-hearted at best. Please don't think they are in some happy, crazy love-making kind of state of mind. She just found out he loved someone else! That would put a massive damper on things for me, if I were her. They are probably experiencing more hurt and conflict than ever before. To quote my therapist again, who also counsels couples dealing with infidelity: "They are in hell."

 

Not that I wish your MM or mine hell… but I'm asking you to be realistic and stop fantasizing about the great life they have. That's just your hurt self/heart/ego making up stories. If it makes you feel any better: I had a missed call on my phone two days ago, from my xMM's home number. I assume it was from the wife. Who knows what she wanted, but I texted him to put a stop to it. Never heard back, but I don't care. I was angry more than anything. Then my best friend said: "Well… you were worried that you were completely deleted… clearly, after five weeks you're still very much at the forefront of what's happening with them. Now take that, use it to feel validated. It's not egotistical, it helps with the healing. And shut that book and be done."

 

She's a wise friend...

 

I know you want to believe that because it helps you to heal, but you are very wrong about the hysterical bonding thing between marriages that had a disconnect and suffered through infidelity. Hysterical bonding is VERY real and sometimes couples ignite sparks in their marriage that blows their minds. Most of the time, when couples stay together after infidelity and make a stronger commitment to grow together. The xap becomes a "situation" in their marriage that they have to work through together to get through. The marriage can be stronger than ever after infidelity. It would be much healthier for you to not believe fantasy but to realize the truth.

[DKT3]

I know you want to believe that because it helps you to heal, but you are very wrong about the hysterical bonding thing between marriages that had a disconnect and suffered through infidelity. Hysterical bonding is VERY real and sometimes couples ignite sparks in their marriage that blows their minds. Most of the time, when couples stay together after infidelity and make a stronger commitment to grow together. The xap becomes a "situation" in their marriage that they have to work through together to get through. The marriage can be stronger than ever after infidelity. It would be much healthier for you to not believe fantasy but to realize the truth.

 

The one thing I understand about WS's is denial. It has to mean something, there is no way the AP could have stayed in the marriage because they loved their spouse. If that's true then I gave it all up for nothing. That is hard to come to terms with. Its much easier to believe they stayed for the kids, or some other reason. The excuses these women believe are eye opening. One believed her MM stayed married because of the impending birth of a grandchild. Another because of having the house remodeled.

 

OP asked how to live a new normal. Well it starts with the truth. The truth about your AP based only on his actions and not his words. The truth about what caused the marriage to end, the whole truth. From that can grow an authentic life. Be honest with yourself, that's the way to a new normal.

[the_artist_1970]

The one thing I understand about WS's is denial. It has to mean something, there is no way the AP could have stayed in the marriage because they loved their spouse. If that's true then I gave it all up for nothing. That is hard to come to terms with. Its much easier to believe they stayed for the kids, or some other reason. The excuses these women believe are eye opening. One believed her MM stayed married because of the impending birth of a grandchild. Another because of having the house remodeled.

 

OP asked how to live a new normal. Well it starts with the truth. The truth about your AP based only on his actions and not his words. The truth about what caused the marriage to end, the whole truth. From that can grow an authentic life. Be honest with yourself, that's the way to a new normal.

 

Thanks for clarifying that for me. I could never understand why so many XAP say the same thing. They think they had this story book romance straight from a Danielle Steel novel, when most MM are saying the same words to all of them. There is no way that every MM saying the same thing to the OW and it ALL be true. And the part about the staying for the kids makes me nausious. I didn't believe a word out of my FWH's pie hole after I found out he cheated. I made him prove to me that I was the one he wanted and he would protect our marriage from infidelity.

[soundsfamilar]

Hi Mabelblue,

 

 

I can see that there's quite some controversy here about whether or not an OW can ever believe what the MM says (or feels). I think there is certainly a pattern possible, but there are also exceptions. And only YOU know what happened between the two of you. When I said that hysterical bonding is a myth, I meant for married couples who have already had a very deteriorated relationship to begin with. After the choice to give it another shot, all the activities of bonding might be there, but the road to recovery is long and hard. And the outcome is as different as people are. Some make it, some don't. So my only point was that you shouldn't dwell on that and overly emphasize in your mind what a great time they are having. They are dealing with much pain, as are you.

 

 

To give you an example of a story that doesn't fall in the typical pattern: a friend of mine (male) had a very disconnected marriage after 12 years of being married. He met someone else and started an affair, but went full on down guilt road. He tried to leave his wife, then went back... twice! After the second time, they entered therapy and once they did that, he decided to live by his true feelings, despite the guilt. He divorced his wife and then married the girlfriend. Today they're still together and happy, from what I can tell. And his relationship with the ex-wife is pretty amicable. But I remember how he told me back then that he was battling a mountain of bad feelings about abandoning his marriage, but he did love the OW. Nevertheless, it took him 3 years and two attempts to overcome the fear.

 

 

So, once in a while there are stories like these. But the main thing is: even if yours is done, and despite some of the comments here, it doesn't mean he didn't have real feelings for you. I'm sure you are a lovable person and you both had a bond with each other. People are complicated, situations are complicated. You don't necessarily have to beat yourself up in order to let go of him.

Edited February 26, 2015 by soundsfamilar

[snl]

I wishing you strength and also that you will find happiness soon again.better days will come. Mine lasted 8 months. İ wanted to call it quit to life after the breakup and total feeling of betrayal (promises she will leave him). Thé hardest part of the NC period are the many memory trigger points (songs in radio, restaurants and coffee shops,etc) that continously drag you down -if you let it... you need to work on yourself not to let to...at the same time thé best cure will be also time. No magic switch there....NC is one thing and truly accepting it's over. It's a process one has to go through. Most importantly not get weak when he/she contacts you again (to fulfill their needs for attention or just to "check on you" -even if intentions meant to be good)

[CrystalShine2011]

That's tough...try to stay busy and hang in there. It does get easier.

[Mabelblue]

Hi Soundsfamiliar

 

Some comments on here can be quite harsh, it's the internet after all, but I'm a big girl and everyone is entitled to their opinion. These will vary depending on their own experiences, baggage and life stories. There are BS on this OW/OM page (I don't understand why if they are now happy, trusting and settled ) but I'm listening to everything and taking things on board from both sides. I'm truly grateful. It's refreshing to hear what people really think when their real identity is hidden. It's cathartic and we are all healing.

 

After nearly two weeks from D-Day I've made a lot of progress esp from reading posts on this site. It was the best thing I could have done. It's been complete NC (I've blocked him just incase) and although it's been hard it's been the best and right thing to do. Music has been the hardest thing to deal with and I'm looking forward to new songs being played in public places.

 

I'm not really concerned with what's going on in his home anymore as I'm not even sure he told her, it doesn't matter. He's made a choice, the right choice and life goes on. I know he loved me and I'm not naive to think he stayed ONLY for the children, I believe it was the easiest option, with the least fallout. People will disagree and get defensive (depending on their stories) but that's fine. My story can't be expressed in a few paragraphs and people will make assumptions. I'm not in denial that he loved his wife, of course he did, but is that the only reason he stayed? Nobody can answer that except him. When it came to the crunch he couldn't do it and this was the best conclusion all round. His actions spoke louder than words.. that's true, both during (to both parties) and at the end of an affair. He needs to work on his marriage now and do what's best for him and his family.

 

I will endeavour now to do to the right thing, truthfully, with my family and myself. I need to move forwards and heal. Time and patience. I'll miss him badly (it'll take a long time) but I wish him the best and hope he'll be happy, I hope the same for everyone else that's been hurt.

 

Life is a lesson isn't it.

[Pinklotus]

I don't think that feeling validated about coming between a husband and wife is anything to aspire to. I think validation comes from realizing you've made a bad decision, owning it, and moving on.

 

 

Oh, and one more thing: I think that "hysterical bonding" thing is a myth in relationships that have gone that far down the path of disconnect. If he was in love with you, any bonding at home is probably half-hearted at best. Please don't think they are in some happy, crazy love-making kind of state of mind. She just found out he loved someone else! That would put a massive damper on things for me, if I were her. They are probably experiencing more hurt and conflict than ever before. To quote my therapist again, who also counsels couples dealing with infidelity: "They are in hell."

 

Not that I wish your MM or mine hell… but I'm asking you to be realistic and stop fantasizing about the great life they have. That's just your hurt self/heart/ego making up stories. If it makes you feel any better: I had a missed call on my phone two days ago, from my xMM's home number. I assume it was from the wife. Who knows what she wanted, but I texted him to put a stop to it. Never heard back, but I don't care. I was angry more than anything. Then my best friend said: "Well… you were worried that you were completely deleted… clearly, after five weeks you're still very much at the forefront of what's happening with them. Now take that, use it to feel validated. It's not egotistical, it helps with the healing. And shut that book and be done."

 

She's a wise friend...

[Pinklotus]

I'm glad you are moving on. Whether he loved you or not doesn't really matter. Most counsellors would say that affair "love" is often so riddled with projection, fantasy, and hormones, that it's not really love. It's a blend of very dysfunctional associations.

 

What matters now is that you love yourself.

 

 

Hi Soundsfamiliar

 

Some comments on here can be quite harsh, it's the internet after all, but I'm a big girl and everyone is entitled to their opinion. These will vary depending on their own experiences, baggage and life stories. There are BS on this OW/OM page (I don't understand why if they are now happy, trusting and settled ) but I'm listening to everything and taking things on board from both sides. I'm truly grateful. It's refreshing to hear what people really think when their real identity is hidden. It's cathartic and we are all healing.

 

After nearly two weeks from D-Day I've made a lot of progress esp from reading posts on this site. It was the best thing I could have done. It's been complete NC (I've blocked him just incase) and although it's been hard it's been the best and right thing to do. Music has been the hardest thing to deal with and I'm looking forward to new songs being played in public places.

 

I'm not really concerned with what's going on in his home anymore as I'm not even sure he told her, it doesn't matter. He's made a choice, the right choice and life goes on. I know he loved me and I'm not naive to think he stayed ONLY for the children, I believe it was the easiest option, with the least fallout. People will disagree and get defensive (depending on their stories) but that's fine. My story can't be expressed in a few paragraphs and people will make assumptions. I'm not in denial that he loved his wife, of course he did, but is that the only reason he stayed? Nobody can answer that except him. When it came to the crunch he couldn't do it and this was the best conclusion all round. His actions spoke louder than words.. that's true, both during (to both parties) and at the end of an affair. He needs to work on his marriage now and do what's best for him and his family.

 

I will endeavour now to do to the right thing, truthfully, with my family and myself. I need to move forwards and heal. Time and patience. I'll miss him badly (it'll take a long time) but I wish him the best and hope he'll be happy, I hope the same for everyone else that's been hurt.

 

Life is a lesson isn't it.

[Pinklotus]

The story of your male friend is about one in a thousand or something. I'm not sure what it proves...that once in awhile an affair translates into a real relationship? Most of those relationships fail. I'm not sure that encouraging the OP to believe that the OM and his wife don't really love each other or aren't having hysterical bonding is helpful, either. For one thing, we don't really know. For another, OP shouldn't really care. Their marriage is none of her business, and never was.

 

 

 

Hi Mabelblue,

 

 

I can see that there's quite some controversy here about whether or not an OW can ever believe what the MM says (or feels). I think there is certainly a pattern possible, but there are also exceptions. And only YOU know what happened between the two of you. When I said that hysterical bonding is a myth, I meant for married couples who have already had a very deteriorated relationship to begin with. After the choice to give it another shot, all the activities of bonding might be there, but the road to recovery is long and hard. And the outcome is as different as people are. Some make it, some don't. So my only point was that you shouldn't dwell on that and overly emphasize in your mind what a great time they are having. They are dealing with much pain, as are you.

 

 

To give you an example of a story that doesn't fall in the typical pattern: a friend of mine (male) had a very disconnected marriage after 12 years of being married. He met someone else and started an affair, but went full on down guilt road. He tried to leave his wife, then went back... twice! After the second time, they entered therapy and once they did that, he decided to live by his true feelings, despite the guilt. He divorced his wife and then married the girlfriend. Today they're still together and happy, from what I can tell. And his relationship with the ex-wife is pretty amicable. But I remember how he told me back then that he was battling a mountain of bad feelings about abandoning his marriage, but he did love the OW. Nevertheless, it took him 3 years and two attempts to overcome the fear.

 

 

So, once in a while there are stories like these. But the main thing is: even if yours is done, and despite some of the comments here, it doesn't mean he didn't have real feelings for you. I'm sure you are a lovable person and you both had a bond with each other. People are complicated, situations are complicated. You don't necessarily have to beat yourself up in order to let go of him.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Hi Mabelblue,

 

My emotions haven't changed all that much, but I do feel anger towards him, because he put me through the absolute worst situation I could think of (in this scenario). He wanted to leave, he told her, and then he pulled a total 180 and deleted me from his life. It's a crazy-making thing to happen, and to say that it threw me off my balance completely is an understatement.

This is gut wrenching experience. I lost my appetite for two days from something like that. I could only drink water, since all the food I ate tasted like battery acid.

 

[...]As my therapist said: "This is a man who doesn't know himself." You can't be happy with someone so prone to vacillation and indecision. I doubt his wife will ever be happy, truly happy, with him either. She never expected him to cheat (he has the reputation of being dependable, a rock, a family man) and now that idea went down the drain. Truly, what he is is an immature little boy, who never learned how to understand his own feelings.

 

+1 Isn't this the truth about the 180 crowd? It's one thing to drunkenly call someone at 4 am (ex-gf/bf), but to to go back and forth until a 180 during an intense affair. Hell.

 

And i do believe he is a very lonely person, trying to do "the right thing" and denying himself any truth.

 

Trying to do the RIGHT thing for himself, regardless of the emotional cost for others.*

 

[...]To have someone promise you commitment and then toss you to the curb is the worst… [...] It's only when we are total cowards about those choices, that we create falseness instead of truth.

 

I'm with you on that.

 

 

 

*I'm not doing to say that being an OM/OW gives a person impunity from moral law, or even legal law in some places. It's quite different being a OM/OW, I know. I was told things that made me believe I actually had a shot a real relationship with someone I wanted to be with before I heard she got married...

 

How do you start over? You don't! You can't.

 

You have an experience you can't take away, and denying it is wrong (in my opinion).

 

You have to take the situation and say, "I know something now that I didn't before."

And make sure it's possible to love again.

It's okay to be guarded, fair, and just.

It takes time to relearn or learn these things after an A.

I'm no cup-cake, but I' d say when I'm ready to devote myself to a woman who wants a fair relationship I will be able to give a 110%,

because I've truly learned from my A.

 

If the relationship fails, well, this could've happened without the experience of being the OM.

I'm still reelin' a little bit over my A, it's been about 3 years since it's ended.

I broke NC when I thought she was divorced (maybe she took my advice), and learned she wasn't. Oh well.

Then I decided to resolve my feelings with myself.

I stopped lurking this forum, and joined.

It has helped give me a better perspective.

 

New normal? It'll never be normal again.

I'm the same guy, I just have a stain on my moral soul in my opinion.

[Clay]

OP, What you decide to do with your life is really your choice. There is not doubt I get that you do feel some remorse towards your H for your actions and I do agree with you It doesn't sound like there is enough there for you to go back and fight for your marriage. I would however encourage you to set your H free. See living apart is just separated and his heart will still feel there is a chance. You already know in your heart its over with. I hope you consider pushing forward with the divorce and helping him move on with his life. This could be very healing for the both of you. There is no doubt you were played like a fool by your AP. So many people are. Cheating is your fault but trusting people is human nature. We all want to believe people are good when we first meet them. To some degree we put them up on a pedestal in that respect. My hope for you is that you learn from this experience and try to live a healthy life. I would completely cut any way of your AP being able to contact you out of your life. The best thing you can do now is focus on healing you and taking care of your kids.

 

If you ignore the problems you have in your life you will help pass this down to your kids. Kids to learn from there parents. Even the most horrible of things.

 

I am a BS and no doubt to some degree I will always be biased but if there is any chance I can help someone see a better path in life I am willing to try to help them. Its what helped me get away from my xW.

 

I hope you release your H completely.

 

Clay

[Eagle's-bargain]

Marriages can be recovered. However you will not get the support in this section to get the tools to save your marriage. Only support will be to have pity parties. Go to the infidelity section and ask for help.

 

I doubt it. If an affair is ONLY about sex, then yes. But at the end of the day, most women do not cheat for sex. They cheat because they need something beyond the sex (in my opinion). Or maybe it's because there is no sex in the marriage because there is no passion. No passion, no sex. Find OM, get passion, and get sex.

 

Marriages can be SALVAGED, if there were no emotions involved.

Emotional affairs destroy the whole concept of idealized marriage,

unless your marriage is basically "let's go on vacation and fornicate in exotic places, and then take pictures of us smiling together."

If that's the case, then by all means salvage the marriage.

 

Sorry for the vitriol. :S