nc87whf Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I'm a 24-year-old woman with limited past romantic experience. Besides a one-year relationship with my first boyfriend when I was very young and a few unsuccessful short-term dating experience after I became an adult, my love life has been pretty much non-existent. Two years ago when I first graduated college, I fell in love with a man twice my age who also happened to be my direct supervisor at work and who might or might not be married. I struggled for a long time to get over my feelings for him and after a year or so, I was finally able to start going on dates with guys without having his image popping into my mind. None of those dates turned into anything serious because of one reason or another (those dates mostly came from either Internet dating sites, social events, speed dating etc. as most of the men around me were either married, engaged or in long-term relationships). Occasionally, I would get approached by guys in the parks or at social events/parties (I make efforts to attend social gatherings/networking events etc. after work on a regular basis), but nothing on the romantic front clicked. As I was getting over my crush for my former boss 2 years ago, I actually met this really nice guy who is about the same age as me. We met in a professional setting (where I hired him to work on a project with me together because I reviewed his work and thought he is genuinely talented). We had one brief meeting discussing the project and then communicated over emails (just about work) because he lived in a neighboring state (about 2 1/2 hours away). I immediately knew that I liked him when he first walked into the door, but I kept everything professional for the sake of the project. After wrapping up the project, I relocated abroad for 7 months for a job. The summer after I returned, he announced on Facebook that he was attending an event for a project that he recently worked on. Still having feelings for him, I told him that I would like to attend the event as well. He said "yeah, why not" and then saved a seat next to him for me. When I walked in to the event venue and saw him waved at me, my heart started pounding. It was a movie screening event and we basically sat next to each other watching movies for 3 hours. I had all these thoughts going through in my head but we just didn't have a chance to talk much. After the event, I was going to catch a chance to talk to him for a little more, but he was in a hurry to celebrate his team's victory at the bar with 20 of his teammates. There were so many people he was talking to and they were all discussing things about the project, which I was not a part of. So I felt like sticking around was probably not a very good idea. I congratulated him and asked to take a photo with him because I figured that I won't be seeing him again for a long time since we live in different states. When we parted, we agreed to participate in the project together this year (it's an annual thing), which will be some time around the end of May. It's a very good professional opportunity for me as well because I have always wanted to be involved with the project even if it wasn't for him, which means I will make sure to participate in this upcoming May. You may ask-how do you know if he's single or not? Yeah I don't know for sure because I obviously never asked him. The only clue I have is through his social media, where there are no trace of another girl with him (most of his pictures are taken when he was with a group of people), which may suggest that he could be single, but I don't know for sure because we don't really have mutual friends (and it could just be that he is an extremely private person who doesn't post his relationship photos online). The reason I am struggling is that I don't feel that he is attracted to me (usually when someone is, I can kinda tell) and he lives a little far away, which makes it hard for me to arrange an occasion to see him often without making it too obvious. Every time I think of him, there is this voice in my head telling me to just give up and look for somebody else. But you know how people usually regret something less if they have done it rather than letting it pass by without even trying? That's exactly what I was debating with myself. I know that I don't actually know a lot about him and he might not be what I imagine him to be, but even then I find it hard to give up completely because he is one of the very few people I have that special feelings for. Recently he invited all of his Facebook friends to his upcoming performance (he is an artist) somewhere near his hometown (where I normally wouldn't be able to travel to because I don't have a car [i live in NYC] and it's not a place accessible by public transit). I was really attempting to go, but then the thing is I don't want to lose him as a professional partner because I truly appreciate his talent and would love to work on future projects with him even if there isn't a romantic possibility between us (and I feel that if I make it too obvious that I am pursuing him, and he doesn't reciprocate my feelings, things would get awkward and we might not be able to work professionally together again). For the dates I went on with the men I didn't care much for or I wouldn't be involved professionally, I could easily just part ways graciously if they rejected me or things didn't work out. But for him, I have a little too many reasons to hesitate and I hate myself for that. Call it fear of rejection, delusion or just pure cowardice-I have beaten myself up with these words in my head many times. Does anyone have any insight into this problem? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Don't go there, you have too much to lose, and he doesn't really sound too interested in you apart from professionally and YOU don't even know if he is single either. I see trouble ahead if you pursue this. If it wasn't for the fact you need him professionally, and it could get really awkward, then I would have said nothing ventured nothing gained, but... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Yup, I agree it's common knowledge, never date a colleague. I know this situation is different, but you already have uneasy gut-feelings and you worry about what any tentative approaches on your part, would invite by way of response.... The other thing is I think, that if he were at all interested in you - he may well have indicated it by now, by being more effusive and forward with his friendship... I think if he was in to you, he would have laid more hints..... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 You have to get control over your issues & thought processes. You make too much of the slightest things, which is most likely born from your inexperience. You say: Two years ago when I first graduated college, I fell in love with a man twice my age who also happened to be my direct supervisor at work and who might or might not be married. I struggled for a long time to get over my feelings for him You didn't fall in love with this guy. You had a crush on him that neither you or he acted on. That is not love! This guy is another crush. For now, put your romantic feelings / crush / lust in your pocket & forget about it. Use self talk to down play whatever you think you are experiencing. In May do the project with him. Be professional but probe for insights into him as a person & try to spend your time together getting to know him within the project & outside of it. There's no harm in getting a drink together after a job well done. At that point, see if there is potential for a romance but make any advances gentle & slow. If he is not interested immediate revert to professional so you can maintain those opportunities. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 you seem pretty ... dramatic and delusional. turning one-time encounters into much much more and - it seems - social media stalking to get some intel on someone who doesn't seem to care if you exist. try and get some more dating experience within your immediate social circle/network because the inexperience might be causing some of this thinking. you seem pretty easily infatuated and it's not actually based in reality. there isn't anything here as far i can see and since you don't know his status, or interact with him regularly, it's not really something to pursue imo Link to post Share on other sites
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