No contact after divorce does it work?

[grabaka]

My wife left in November filed for divorce. She left me for a man who was married. Long story short the man used her till her got what he wanted then he went back home to his wife. My wife mentioned the possibility of working on us one day, but she said she wanted to get fully divorced first and work on herself and me work on myself then potentially one day date each other again. In which I declined...moved out due to divorce agreements and I have had no contact with her since. It's been 1 week and 3 days since I have had contact with her....and yes its killing me!

 

My question is does no contact after a divorce cause the individual who initiated the divorce to second guess their choice? In my particular situation,she lied and cheated for 2 1/2 months and when he dumped her she came back with ultimatums which I declined. So I am wondering if she regrets what she has done? If our house (she kept it) is eating her up with memories about me? Most of all what is she potentially thinking by me not contacting her? She told me she doesnt like the idea of never seeing or hearing from me again. I would like anyone's opinion, but I think females perspective would be the greatest on this situation. Thanks in advance!

[Arieswoman]

grabaka,

Let's get the story straight.

 

Your wife cheated on you and left you for a guy who then dumped her. Now she want's a divorce. But at the same time she wants to get into therapy and wants you to get into therapy so that in the future the pair of you might start "dating" again?

 

She's a liar and a cheat that had no problem dumping you and now she's dangling the carrot of reconciliation just to screw around with your head?

 

I must admit I admire her brass-necked cheek.

 

Do you really want to be this selfish, entitled, unremorseful woman's back-up position? Gee-whizz, I hope not.

 

You were smart not to be drawn in to such a selfish one-sided arrangement before so don't weaken now. Stay NC, let the divorce go through and start a life of your own, away from her and her selfish manipulative ways.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

NC is not a tool to get somebody back, which is what you are looking for. NC is a healing tool. A way for you to get over the pain she caused.

 

 

If you want to fix a relationship, both parties have to voluntarily communicate & work together to over come whatever drove you apart.

 

 

In your case, your ex-wife has already declined to do that. She wants time alone to "work on herself" That is a version of "it's not you, it's me."

 

 

Your priority at this point has to be finding a way to live your life without her.

[grabaka]

I just figure Im bound to hear from her someday. I am doing NC because of what she did and because I am not going to be a fall back. Im having trouble healing, I literally think about her all day everyday, I wonder if it is ever going to stop. My concern is if she is having a hard time now she realizes she lost me, and preparing for the day she does make contact...if she does.

[TashaTudor]

She wants to keep you around as a "just in case".

 

You have to look at nc as a way of strengthening yourself. Everyday of nc will after a while make you able to resist her...but it takes a while and yes it feels awful.

 

If you are doing nc because youre trying to get her to miss you then you are not really interested in healing yourself.

 

Even if she says she wants to work on things, will you ever really trust her again? There might be lingering doubt in your mind. Who wants to live like that?

[grabaka]

Your right, I probably would never trust her or live with so many insecurities. It hurts so bad she ruined us, threw it all away....all for nothing. We once were so close, so close and had so many bonds. I feel like I lost a piece of me forever...I loved our simple life and the little things we did. I just feel empty and dont know how to heal.

[toolforgrowth]

Are you my long lost clone?

 

My xWW did almost virtually the same thing, except she didn't even suggest therapy. I had already been going for a while though. When I suggested it to her (not for the purposes of R, but for the sake of her children) she shot it down. That was over two years ago, and we split over three years ago.

 

She's remarried now, and I've been seeing a wonderful woman for the past few months. To this day she hates my independence and the fact that I booted her out of my life and never looked back. She'll once in a while try to guilt me or manipulate me about something (usually our daughter), but I just ignore her.

 

She did say that she "wishes things were different" but I honestly don't know what that even means. Nor do I care enough to find out. She blew it with her A, big time, and she continues to have consequences for that. I've simply learned to not care how it makes her feel.

 

Eventually you'll get there too.

[KBarletta]

Your right, I probably would never trust her or live with so many insecurities. It hurts so bad she ruined us, threw it all away....all for nothing. We once were so close, so close and had so many bonds. I feel like I lost a piece of me forever...I loved our simple life and the little things we did. I just feel empty and dont know how to heal.

 

 

I have felt this exact emotion, and wondered if it would ever go away.

 

It will, slowly, slowly, slowly.

 

You're less than two weeks into NC. You need more time.

 

And you will feel better. It will just take time, NC, and focusing on something other than her. Spend your time worrying about you, not her, and making yourself into a better person. You have to actively force yourself to do this at first, but eventually it will come more naturally and you will move on.

[No Limit]

Thank the heavens she's gone and never look back. Everything's too fresh right now so it still feels as a loss but that will change in time.

 

To this day she hates my independence and the fact that I booted her out of my life and never looked back. She'll once in a while try to guilt me or manipulate me about something (usually our daughter), but I just ignore her.

 

Haha, is she still sending you breadcrumbs? What about your xGF?

[toolforgrowth]

Thank the heavens she's gone and never look back. Everything's too fresh right now so it still feels as a loss but that will change in time.

 

 

 

Haha, is she still sending you breadcrumbs? What about your xGF?

 

I wouldn't call them breadcrumbs anymore. She knows I think she's a piece of poo. I think it's more that she hates the fact that I think she's a piece of poo.

 

When I was single for a year and a half, she was very nice to me. Her texts were full of smiley faces and she made contact about once a week or so. But now that I've had a new girlfriend for the last few months, I barely hear from her anymore (no argument there!). When she does reach out she's very dry and short. Not rude per se, just curt.

 

She threw a small hissy fit when I declined to go with her to our daughter's parent teacher conference and set up my own time. I wasn't rude or anything, I even thanked her for the offer. I just said I'd prefer to go myself so I set up my own time. She was like "you need to get past your aversion to me, I think it's silly that you hate me so much that we can't be in the same room for 20 minutes", that kind of stuff. I ignored her.

 

Haven't heard from the exGF in almost a year. At least she respects my wishes and leaves me alone.

[carhill]

My wife left in November filed for divorce. She left me for a man who was married. Long story short the man used her till her got what he wanted then he went back home to his wife. My wife mentioned the possibility of working on us one day, but she said she wanted to get fully divorced first and work on herself and me work on myself then potentially one day date each other again. In which I declined...moved out due to divorce agreements and I have had no contact with her since. It's been 1 week and 3 days since I have had contact with her....and yes its killing me!

 

Hmm.... try NC for six months to a year and revisit your feelings on the matter. Things are too fresh right now.

 

My question is does no contact after a divorce cause the individual who initiated the divorce to second guess their choice?

Perhaps. It depends on the person's psychology and the circumstances.

In my particular situation,she lied and cheated for 2 1/2 months and when he dumped her she came back with ultimatums which I declined. So I am wondering if she regrets what she has done?

She can have regrets, sure. She can rationalize those regrets, and her actions, possible. If associating with you benefits her, she'll behave in a manner to effect those benefits.

If our house (she kept it) is eating her up with memories about me?

It could, sure. Or not. A lot depends on her psychology. If she predominantly 'felt' your relationship, then that stuff could have significant meaning, presuming she didn't rationalize it away. If she 'thought' the relationship, then the stuff is just stuff and no emotional memories are attached and she likes it, or not, as stuff.

Most of all what is she potentially thinking by me not contacting her?

Perhaps wondering what you're up to. Perhaps nothing. It's impossible to know.

She told me she doesnt like the idea of never seeing or hearing from me again.

Attention is a benefit, generally to the ego. Receiving attention one makes no investment in gaining is, well, an ego's dream.

I would like anyone's opinion, but I think females perspective would be the greatest on this situation. Thanks in advance!

 

Oops, sorry, formerly married guy here. Take the .02 FWIW. IME, marital and otherwise, women seem to move on; sure, they'll take freebies if tasty enough but it's just taking, not anything worthwhile or heartfelt. NC, generally, is to move on to a healthy place for oneself, not to elicit a response from a former spouse or lover.

[grabaka]

I literally think she lost her mind and had a breakdown and lost grasp of reality. She was a very good girl when we met, and doing what she did is so unlike her. I think she realizes she has messed up royally, and is rationalizing. After that guy dumped her and returned to his wife, I said to her see I told you he was using you. She rationalized it and justified it because she doesnt want to accept that he was simply using her. This is really hard though. She was the total package to me, and man how I wanted to spend my life with her. I thought we were going to, and it's all been thrown away for nothing. I hope it haunts her that she threw it all away for her selfishness only to gain nothing.

[toolforgrowth]

I literally think she lost her mind and had a breakdown and lost grasp of reality. She was a very good girl when we met, and doing what she did is so unlike her. I think she realizes she has messed up royally, and is rationalizing. After that guy dumped her and returned to his wife, I said to her see I told you he was using you. She rationalized it and justified it because she doesnt want to accept that he was simply using her. This is really hard though. She was the total package to me, and man how I wanted to spend my life with her. I thought we were going to, and it's all been thrown away for nothing. I hope it haunts her that she threw it all away for her selfishness only to gain nothing.

 

I think all BS's want this. It's natural. But you can't spend the rest of your life caring about that. The important thing is to heal yourself and move on for you. They may notice, they may not. I tend to think that they typically do notice, but I don't have any statistics to back that up.

 

But even if they don't, who cares? An integrated male doesn't care about the outcome. What he does care about is the fact that he'll be okay, no matter what happens.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by pushing her away. WS's need to face consequences for their actions, and losing someone who loved them dearly is a pretty big consequence.

[grabaka]

toolforgrowth,

 

Yeah I think it bothers her Im moving on. She knows I went on a few dates with a girl and even though my stbx says it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care she kinda kept mentioning it and throwing it in my face. My stbx also told me she isnt ok with never hearing from me again or seeing me again. Her fault thats the consequences!

[toolforgrowth]

toolforgrowth,

 

Yeah I think it bothers her Im moving on. She knows I went on a few dates with a girl and even though my stbx says it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care she kinda kept mentioning it and throwing it in my face. My stbx also told me she isnt ok with never hearing from me again or seeing me again. Her fault thats the consequences!

 

Well sure that's what she's doing. She can't come out and admit she was wrong, she has an image and justifications to uphold. Her pride is too strong. But she'll drop plenty of hints hoping you'll come to her.

 

Don't do it. My xww did the same thing and failed every single time.

[grabaka]

Well sure that's what she's doing. She can't come out and admit she was wrong, she has an image and justifications to uphold. Her pride is too strong. But she'll drop plenty of hints hoping you'll come to her.

 

Don't do it. My xww did the same thing and failed every single time.

 

 

I havent heard from her or seen her in 2 weeks. The last time was by way of text that she sent in which I didnt reply. It was a text trying to play with my mind....saying she missed sleeping next to me at night. I just wonder if she will try to make contact again in the future?!?! If so I need to mentally prepare because even if I dont reply just seeing a text or email for her affects me.

[toolforgrowth]

I havent heard from her or seen her in 2 weeks. The last time was by way of text that she sent in which I didnt reply. It was a text trying to play with my mind....saying she missed sleeping next to me at night. I just wonder if she will try to make contact again in the future?!?! If so I need to mentally prepare because even if I dont reply just seeing a text or email for her affects me.

 

Sure it affects you, and I think that's normal at this stage. You're still grieving. Cut yourself a little bit of slack in that regard. You're doing extremely well, all things considered. But you're allowed to have feelings and to be affected by what's happened. Where you show your true strength is persevering in spite of those feelings.