kenmore Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 It has been eight months separated now, and I finally got my answer. My wife has been sending mixed signals all along. when I first moved out it was with the understanding that we would get back together when I got "on my feet again". Over time it started turning into a legal separation, then a divorce, but she always asked me how I was doing, said things like "I don't even know that I want a divorce", stayed in touch after a break of no more than two weeks, and she invited me to dinner for my birthday (three weeks ago.) Just Tuesday my step-daughter (her daughter) got my birthday gift (her birthday is less than a week after mine) and my wife contacted me saying how beautiful it was and asked how I was doing in work. I told her I was closing two sales as we texted and she said that was great, and "how exciting!" Even at the time I wondered why she would find it exciting that I was doing well since she wants a divorce and it doesn't matter to her anymore. Tomorrow (Feb 23) is our fifth anniversary. I sent her a card and a gift. Not much (some maracas since the fifth is "wood"), and she texted me Friday and told me not to send her any cards or gifts because it was like rubbing salt into a wound. I told her there are no more special occasions between now and our divorce finalizing so no worries. (We had Christmas, her birthday, my birthday, her daughters birthday, Valentines day and now our anniversary just in the last few months, and I sent at least cards for every one.) I told her that since she invited me over for dinner on my birthday and she said Christmas eve that she wasn't sure she wanted a divorce, I didn't know how to react. She said it's over, she was just being friendly on my birthday and doesn't remember saying that Christmas eve (! doesn't remember giving me hope? Doesn't remember the five minute conversation we had about it?) So I said "okay, I'll get a storage unit for my things and get out of your life. I don't want to be friends. I will not contact you in five years (her suggestion) to find out if you're in the mood to try again, when it's over, it's over and I'll move on". This was the trial by fire for me. It finally made me understand that we're really done and there will be no reconciliation guaranteed. It hurts but it's also somehow freeing. It's closure. I took off my ring and haven't worn it for days and never will again. Closure!...or so I thought. I thought we'd go NC and I won't see my step-daughter again and we won't speak until the divorce. Last night I got an email from her telling me her daughter was in an accident, people were hurt, it was completely her fault and both cars are totaled! Thankfully nobody was seriously hurt as far as anyone knows yet, but it opened up yet another round of communication. It makes me hurt to not be there for my step daughter whom I love like my own daughter at a time like this, but there's nothing I can do. Who knows what other strange things will come down the pike. I mentioned before that she can't keep from talking to me at least every two weeks, but in light of all this, I feel the strength to ignore her from now on. That will still feel wrong and hurt me, but I understand the importance now. I hope I can really find the strength! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Wait, you are sending anniversary gifts, and you are divorced? Anniversaries do not continue by year if the marriage is over. Your purpose in life is not to be her fall-back person, or her counselor, or even her friend, in my opinion. You should be done with all of that, not having dinners, etc... I am maybe confused, but thought you were legally divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 First things first, go see your step daughter. Regardless of what your (ex)W thinks of it, you have a relationship with your SD and she would be upset if you didn't go see her in the hospital, kiss her forehead and tell her you love her. I hope she's okay. As for your exW and how you feel now, it's good that the light bulb went on and something clicked inside you. It'll help you detach and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Wait, you are sending anniversary gifts, and you are divorced? Anniversaries do not continue by year if the marriage is over. Your purpose in life is not to be her fall-back person, or her counselor, or even her friend, in my opinion. You should be done with all of that, not having dinners, etc... I am maybe confused, but thought you were legally divorced? No, we're not divorced yet. It should be around June. That means tomorrow is actually our fifth anniversary. It may be a good day to get drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 First things first, go see your step daughter. Regardless of what your (ex)W thinks of it, you have a relationship with your SD and she would be upset if you didn't go see her in the hospital, kiss her forehead and tell her you love her. I hope she's okay. As for your exW and how you feel now, it's good that the light bulb went on and something clicked inside you. It'll help you detach and move forward. She's not in the hospital thankfully! I texted with her today, gave her some encouragement and told her it happens to most people when they are first driving. I told her I love her very much and hugs! she replied in kind. I feel angry at the moment. I hope that will turn into detachment. She's still not my ex, but I would like to think of her that way. I do feel the woman I married is dead, because this woman is nothing like her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I will not contact you in five years (her suggestion) to find out if you're in the mood to try again, when it's over, it's over and I'll move on". I hope you never seriously considered putting your life in the deep freeze for 5 years in hopes of some vague promise to touch base ??? The truth is, at the minimum, you deserve the same choices, opportunities and options she's taking for herself. And she's obviously not shy about availing herself of same. Nor should you be, no more waiting or marking anniversary dates for someone who has bailed... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
outthewindow Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Hi Ken, I hope your anniversary date wasn't too horrible... I'm dreading mine but it's not for a few months so I'm trying to ignore it. While she's not technically your ex yet, it may well help you to start thinking of her and referring to her as if she is. She's made it pretty clear she's done so fake it till you make it. It's easy for me to tell you that but taking my own advice isn't so simple Be there for your daughter. She's a obviously old enough for you to be able to contact her without going through your ex so don't let your ex stand in the way of that relationship. Sending you hugs as always OTW Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 I hope you never seriously considered putting your life in the deep freeze for 5 years in hopes of some vague promise to touch base ??? The truth is, at the minimum, you deserve the same choices, opportunities and options she's taking for herself. And she's obviously not shy about availing herself of same. Nor should you be, no more waiting or marking anniversary dates for someone who has bailed... Mr. Lucky No, I would not put myself in the situation of being a piece of dirt, but there was the hope. The fragment that we may get back together, so when she said things like that or some other examples: "someday in the future we may be together again" or "contact me when you are on your feet", it just made me feel she wanted to make it work, so I let it go. Now that it seems so clear she not only wants to end it but never wanted it, I can finally turn my back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Hi Ken, I hope your anniversary date wasn't too horrible... I'm dreading mine but it's not for a few months so I'm trying to ignore it. While she's not technically your ex yet, it may well help you to start thinking of her and referring to her as if she is. She's made it pretty clear she's done so fake it till you make it. It's easy for me to tell you that but taking my own advice isn't so simple Be there for your daughter. She's a obviously old enough for you to be able to contact her without going through your ex so don't let your ex stand in the way of that relationship. Sending you hugs as always OTW OTW, it was horrible!! I knew she wouldn't contact me and I had already sent the card, so deathly silence. Nothing could have hurt my heart more. No, it's not so simple, and treating her like my ex (or like she's dead) is impossible. Sure outwardly I can and am, but inwardly, I still keep going on. As for my daughter (actually my step daughter), I contacted her this morning and told her how important it is to get checked by a Dr for her whiplash. I told her I would be happy to pick her up from school and take her, but she needed to ask her mom since she would say no to me. It turned out her biological dad was picking her up to take her later (it turns out she's okay or so the Dr says), so whatever. I would do anything for her as I love her just as I love my biological daughter. At least she felt my love today. Was that as hard to follow as it seems? LOL OTW, I consider you a good friend! Hugs as always back, and I'll go check your thread now! xo Ken Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Ken, Muster up whatever strength you have and get this woman who is a tease, imo, out of you life. Go nc, but to me , nc also means nc with her daughter. Or else you'll always be sucked back into this woman's life. She wants you to move on and move on you will! Sadly, that also means ditching the daughter. I know that sounds harsh, but your ex should have considered all these things before letting you go. I don't know why people dont take divorce more seriously. Its not a casual event where people are going keep up appearances...dinners, car accidents, as if they are still married. Divorce is war! What is it that you and many others who don't understand the word DIVORCE? Sure , in a nice world with nice people maybe we wouldn't need to be unpleasant. But the last time I checked ...alot of people don't value marriage anymore. Get rid of this woman asap and as many people who are associated with her. She wanted her freedom, and now you want yours with a clean slate. And if she's upset because you don't keep in touch with her daughter then you need to define the word divorce to her. Good luck to you Ken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Ken, Muster up whatever strength you have and get this woman who is a tease, imo, out of you life. Go nc, but to me , nc also means nc with her daughter. Or else you'll always be sucked back into this woman's life. She wants you to move on and move on you will! Sadly, that also means ditching the daughter. I know that sounds harsh, but your ex should have considered all these things before letting you go. I don't know why people dont take divorce more seriously. Its not a casual event where people are going keep up appearances...dinners, car accidents, as if they are still married. Divorce is war! What is it that you and many others who don't understand the word DIVORCE? Sure , in a nice world with nice people maybe we wouldn't need to be unpleasant. But the last time I checked ...alot of people don't value marriage anymore. Get rid of this woman asap and as many people who are associated with her. She wanted her freedom, and now you want yours with a clean slate. And if she's upset because you don't keep in touch with her daughter then you need to define the word divorce to her. Good luck to you Ken. Hi Tasha! I'm getting it, it's just taking time to settle from my conscious mind to my unconscious mind. You see, it wasn't just "get out, we're through we're divorcing", it was more like "you need to move out until you can get on your feet. We can go to marriage counseling (later) I want a separation. (later) I want a divorce. (later) I don't even know if I want a divorce, but I filed now because if I filed later, I would have to pay court fees again. (now) I don't recall saying that at all, we're done and just leave me alone." I hope you can understand why it was slow to sink in, it's because it was slow to devolve. And I completely understand that eventually I will never talk to her daughter again, whom I love so much. My step daughter doesn't know this I'm sure and of course nobody will tell her, but to hurt a 17 year old girl like that just makes my heart ache! It's unforgivable, and despite anyone's advice, when our divorce is final, I will say goodbye to her. For the moment, in light of the accident, I felt communication with her was reasonable. Divorce, war, whatever it is, there are lines I won't cross; because it really is not war. Casualties like her are not acceptable. I appreciate your post and you are right about much in it, but there is nothing that will cause me to completely ignore or hurt my step daughter now. In the future, I don't expect to hear anything about her, so it will be easier to not communicate. Eventually, she will be an adult and may contact me just to say hi again, and if she does, I'll be there for her then too. She is a victim, nothing more, nothing less. Despite our difference of opinion, I know you meant your post in my best interests and I appreciate you doing so. I wish you good luck as well, and good fortune! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Ken, How long have you been in your stepdaughters life? It sounds like more then 5 years. And she is 17 years old which is basically an adult. If I were you I would continue the relationship with her if you both want to. She is old enough to understand that you and her mom are splitting up, and the relationship will be different but I don't see why it has to end. While you have to protect yourself in divorce it does not have to be a war. Just get it over with as fairly and quickly as possible. And once your stepdaughter is 18, you can continue your relationship with her without her mom's involvement. Don't let your exw actions do any more damage then necessary. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Ken, How long have you been in your stepdaughters life? It sounds like more then 5 years. And she is 17 years old which is basically an adult. If I were you I would continue the relationship with her if you both want to. She is old enough to understand that you and her mom are splitting up, and the relationship will be different but I don't see why it has to end. While you have to protect yourself in divorce it does not have to be a war. Just get it over with as fairly and quickly as possible. And once your stepdaughter is 18, you can continue your relationship with her without her mom's involvement. Don't let your exw actions do any more damage then necessary. Good luck Thanks Chew, When ex and I met, daughter #2 was 10 years old. I realized years ago that I had spent more time in her life than any man, including her bio father (actually by a lot.) Now it's much more! If I had to estimate, I'd say I have spent well over 20 times as much time in her life than any man, so am her male role model. When I told STBX, to please hug her daughter for me because I will likely never see her again, she said that was up to me. She had never said that, and doesn't want more drama. While I get the drama part (who does want more?), what I meant was I won't want to hang out with "them", so can't really see a non-awkward way of spending time with Dau #2. Sorry, it's me I guess, but a 54 year old man wanting to hang out or do things with an 18 yr old girl seems awkward, even if I'm her male role model, have spent a lot of time with her and she's technically an adult. Sure I have thought about ways: I could invite her out for dinner and a movie on special days, being there for this medical visit (which didn't happen as you know) etc. But to just pick her up and do things seems weird. Also, as Tasha said, spending time with her will keep me in a bad zone with STBX. We will see each other, talk and at least acknowledge each other's existence. That may be just too much, no matter how much I love "replacement daughter" (as they were called by my family since my first wife died and my blood daughter drifted away.) Awkward!!! I just don't know. I do love her as much as my own blood daughter and it hurts so much to lose her, but so much hurts now, I can toss it on the pile and I don't see her reaching out for me. Maybe someday she will. Meanwhile, I don't wish to play the fool and chase anybody. I'm sure currently her love for her mother is making her leave me alone (as well as her mother telling her to), so I think I need to just live my life for now and let the chips fall... Sad... Ken Link to post Share on other sites
Macattack Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It has been eight months separated now, and I finally got my answer. My wife has been sending mixed signals all along. when I first moved out it was with the understanding that we would get back together when I got "on my feet again". Over time it started turning into a legal separation, then a divorce, but she always asked me how I was doing, said things like "I don't even know that I want a divorce", stayed in touch after a break of no more than two weeks, and she invited me to dinner for my birthday (three weeks ago.) Do not tell anyone that you are doing well financially. If she founds out she can claim alimony or child support. Although your step daughter is 17 you can be forced to provide for her until she finishes college. The bad part is that she can have the power to make you grow broke or even end up homeless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Do not tell anyone that you are doing well financially. If she founds out she can claim alimony or child support. Although your step daughter is 17 you can be forced to provide for her until she finishes college. The bad part is that she can have the power to make you grow broke or even end up homeless. Thanks Macattack, I'm not telling her sh*t anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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