Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 For those of you who don't know me or my story...Hi, I married my middle school sweetheart last February after becoming pregnant. Soon after he began abusing me. I left for the final time at 39 weeks pregnant. This is kinda just a rant. Feel free to comment though if you can think of something that may help. He's seen our child once. I moved across he country in December and last month I discover he's followed me here, but hasn't contacted me. A week ago his most recent ex contacted me on Facebook wanting to know why I won't let him see his child (I gave him ample opportunities, he simply never came). Turns out she's pregnant... and she's hoping that for her child (his third) he will get his **** together. I put her in contact with the mother of his first child and we tried explaining things to her. Unfortunately it appears she's holding on to the idea that for her child he'll step up... even though when he was told about the pregnancy he said he hopes she miscarries and the pregnancy is a mistake. Real charmer, eh? In September her baby is due and mine will be a year old. Plus, our separation will be completed and we'll be able to divorce!!! He's agreed to give up his parental rights if it means he won't have to pay child support. But until then I've filed for child support anyway . Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 So ... 3 kids with 3 different women ? And you wanted to have a child with him after a few months together ? CP, ask a lawyer but i don't know if he gives up his parental rights it will be the end of his rights to be in the child's life. He could make a comeback. Furthermore, is revenue a problem in raising this child or not ? Can you afford it on your own ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 This reminds me of one of many episodes of Steve Wilkos where young women confronted the deadbeat dad and his current GF had none of it (you can see them on YouTube by the way). Just shrugged it off with "well I'm different". Problem is that she thought of the relationship between her and deadbeat as something special when the deadbeat thought of her as his latest bed warmer. Well, she'll wake up sooner or later. Probably the moment he's out of the door. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Oh Candy... Its good to have you back and I hope you and Baby Candy are doing well. This is a terrible situation. Can't really believe he's not made the effort to see your daughter... Hope you stick around 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Bloke does need a slap. Press on with the child support claim. That pretty little girl needs to be kept in finery. ASG is right. Good to see you back. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I put her in contact with the mother of his first child and we tried explaining things to her. Unfortunately it appears she's holding on to the idea that for her child he'll step up... If you didn't heed the example set by relationship #1, why would you think #1 + #2 would be any more compelling to her? He must initially seem like quite the catch to get this scenario to play out over and over... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I wouldn't worry about him wanting to be in your daughter's life. He probably won't be there even if he pays support. If I were you I'd file for full custody at the same time you file for Child Support. One has nothing to do with the other and even if he falls behind on his payments he still will get to see her if he is awarded visitation. Has he even filed for visitation? Regardless don't deny your daughter what is rightfully hers at the same time that you alleviate him of his responsibility. If you don't need the money then stick it in a savings account for her or something but don't let her grow up thinking that money mattered more than she did to her dad. As a mom it's your duty to keep that relationship as viable as possible....not ever be the one to sever it. Please don't agree to do that. Keep that door open. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I definitely need to talk to a lawyer asap. Sorry don't have time to quote and correct the individual misconceptions about the how and why I decided to have a child. Let's just say, yes, he's incredibly charming. And is pretty good at lying (initially). Amay, he's made no effort to see her. How, or why, should I keep his option to be a parent open?? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 As a mom it's your duty to keep that relationship as viable as possible....not ever be the one to sever it. Please don't agree to do that. Keep that door open. It's my understanding that CP's ex was physically abusive. If there's any risk of him hurting the child, IMO, it's CP's responsibility to close that door and put a padlock on it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 It's my understanding that CP's ex was physically abusive. If there's any risk of him hurting the child, IMO, it's CP's responsibility to close that door and put a padlock on it. Does she have evidence of that? I'm not saying that she's lying but does she? And because he physically abused her that means that he's going to physically abuse his child? Do you have proof of that? CP needs a lawyer. Not some anonymous person telling her to dissolve the relationship between her infant and her father. Because when push comes to shove, she picked him. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Amay, he's made no effort to see her. How, or why, should I keep his option to be a parent open?? Because he's her father and in a year or ten from now he may have a change of heart and want to have a relationship with her. And if he does and he finds her when she is 18 years old what do you think will happen? What if she desires a relationship with him in a year or ten from now? Do you think she'll be glad you made that choice for her? Or will you just make up a lie? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) I'd say go forward with the child support filing. Might as well get your child’s rights on record, since it appears as though he will have many children and there will be many claims. If he isn't seeing her anyway, maybe he'd never want to? Also, as already said, talk to a lawyer. You might not be able to give up CS obligations in some states, because they are the child's rights and the state would enforce if you or she ever seek state assistance. There’s not much you can do about this other woman’s belief that he will be different. Maybe just stay open to her so when she comes to the realization she can turn to you and the other mother- if you want that. Edited February 23, 2015 by BlueIris 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Well, since I've never met my own biological father this hits very close to home. And after 27 years, he wants to meet me. And no, I'll NEVER make up lies about her father. I won't even tell her the horrible true things about him. I refuse to bad mouth him. No I do not have proof of his abuse, which wasn't directly physical. There's many factors to consider and I need to speak to a lawyer before anything is set in stone. The other mother and I have spoken to the most recent woman about our continued support. We both feel like it's not our place to convince her. She'll see for herself soon enough. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm sorry Candy. But I'm glad your Dad wants to meet you. What would you tell her if she asks about her father if you aren't going to lie and if you don't want to bad mouth him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 If he does sign away parental,rights, he can't just come back and reclaim rights later, not without a court battle and it seems unlikely he would bother. But that does not mean he and the child can't decide to have a relationship of sorts once the child is of age. It would also clear the way for an adoption later on if you marry. If he does sign his rights away, I don't think he can be forced to pay support...better check with an attorney. Which you should do anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm sorry Candy. But I'm glad your Dad wants to meet you. What would you tell her if she asks about her father if you aren't going to lie and if you don't want to bad mouth him? He's not my dad. My dad is the man who raised me. Who has stood by my side and picked me up when I've fallen. He loves me no matter if I'm his biological daughter or not. I'm going to tell her she was made with love, and that he couldn't be a good husband or father so that's why he's not around. The mother of his other child and I want to raise the girls as the sisters they are. They don't need someone in their lives who never wanted to be there anyway. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I write in a journal that I'm going to give my daughter when she's old enough. In the beginning her biological father wrote to her apologizing for being a "bad daddy" and yelling at me. I've done my best to explain in a kind way why he isn't around, and I will tell her she can ask me anything she wants about him. I've been extremely curious about my biological father once I found out about him, but unlike my daughter, I can't trust what my mother says. Lying about him is something I'd never do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Despite the issues here. I think in my humble opinion that you are doing the right thing. If Dad wants to reconnect in the future then your daughter will actually make that choice. She may be curious and want to know. You as her mum will protect her fiercely against any wrong doing. The future is alway a bugger in things like this. But take him to the cleaners for CS. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Despite the issues here. I think in my humble opinion that you are doing the right thing. If Dad wants to reconnect in the future then your daughter will actually make that choice. She may be curious and want to know. You as her mum will protect her fiercely against any wrong doing. The future is alway a bugger in things like this. But take him to the cleaners for CS. I think the whole idea of him giving up his rights was so that he'd never have to pay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 He's already been served for child support for both children. His most recent ex, the pregnant one, has graciously (or foolishly) offered to pay it for him while he "gets his act together". Major facepalm. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 For those of you who don't know me or my story...Hi, I married my middle school sweetheart last February after becoming pregnant. Soon after he began abusing me. I left for the final time at 39 weeks pregnant. This is kinda just a rant. Feel free to comment though if you can think of something that may help. He's seen our child once. I moved across he country in December and last month I discover he's followed me here, but hasn't contacted me. A week ago his most recent ex contacted me on Facebook wanting to know why I won't let him see his child (I gave him ample opportunities, he simply never came). Turns out she's pregnant... and she's hoping that for her child (his third) he will get his **** together. I put her in contact with the mother of his first child and we tried explaining things to her. Unfortunately it appears she's holding on to the idea that for her child he'll step up... even though when he was told about the pregnancy he said he hopes she miscarries and the pregnancy is a mistake. Real charmer, eh? In September her baby is due and mine will be a year old. Plus, our separation will be completed and we'll be able to divorce!!! He's agreed to give up his parental rights if it means he won't have to pay child support. But until then I've filed for child support anyway . Why should be get away with not paying child support? Whether or not he chooses to be in her life, he needs to pay. Raising a child is not easy and whilst you are 100% better of without him, I would not let him off the hook that easily. Further down the line, your child may want to know who the dad is. Leave the lines of communication open and even if you don't need his money, keep it in an account for the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 He's already been served for child support for both children. His most recent ex, the pregnant one, has graciously (or foolishly) offered to pay it for him while he "gets his act together". Major facepalm. Oh, that's sad! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Why should be get away with not paying child support? Whether or not he chooses to be in her life, he needs to pay. Raising a child is not easy and whilst you are 100% better of without him, I would not let him off the hook that easily. Further down the line, your child may want to know who the dad is. Leave the lines of communication open and even if you don't need his money, keep it in an account for the future. If him relinquishing his parental rights hangs on him having to never pay child support (from then on), I say **** it. I'd rather have him out of our lives than have his money. I'm not rich by any means. But since he is Alaskan Native, so is my daughter, and she will receive dividends for the rest of her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If he does sign away parental,rights, he can't just come back and reclaim rights later, not without a court battle and it seems unlikely he would bother. But that does not mean he and the child can't decide to have a relationship of sorts once the child is of age. It would also clear the way for an adoption later on if you marry. If he does sign his rights away, I don't think he can be forced to pay support...better check with an attorney. Which you should do anyway. I don't know about the US legal system and especially the state in which CP resides, but i do know that those decisions are reached through 'the best interest of the child'. Which might mean that child support can't be so easily discharged. A lawyer would help here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Ok, I just did some research. One cannot give up parental rights simply to avoid paying support. So he will not be off the hook. Make sure he knows this. If he wants to try to give up his rights anyway, he can, but it will NOT protect him from paying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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