Separated, He's Knocked Up Another Woman

[amaysngrace]

I'm going to tell her she was made with love, and that he couldn't be a good husband or father so that's why he's not around.

 

That's not bad mouthing him?

 

That's fine if that's what you want to say to her, she's your daughter, but she's only a baby and you guys were married for what, like three months?

 

I'm not trying to be mean but these are questions that she may one day ask, especially if she becomes a moody teenager and wishes her life was different.

 

She may hold it against you.

[amaysngrace]

I'm not rich by any means. But since he is Alaskan Native, so is my daughter, and she will receive dividends for the rest of her life.

 

Are you sure that she will if he gives up his parental rights? You really need to speak to a lawyer Candy.

 

Going through this is an emotional, trying time. You love your baby with all your heart and want to protect her. I understand that.

 

But having a lawyer will help because they're more pragmatic and can be there to help keep you grounded plus you will rest easy because you'll know that you're doing everything within the law to protect your best interests.

 

Right now you should strive to be more level-headed and having a lawyer will help. I firmly believe that.

 

Talking it out with another mother he left? Not the best idea I'm sorry to say.

Edited February 24, 2015 by amaysngrace

[melodymatters]

My first H was an absent parent and I inquired with an atty about terminating his parental rights. NO STATE will allow a child to be "bastardized"', they do not consider it in the best interests of the child. You have two options. DON'T put him on the birth certificate or have a step parent adopt her. That's it.

[Radu]

In my country you have to pay a flat 25% of your wages to CS regardless of the # of children [though it will increase if it is over a certain #].

Until the amount reaches 50% [multiply with the # of mothers] at which point there is a limit.

 

What is the system in the US ?

 

Because if it is similar, this guy just got a certainty in being poor [not that he will care, he's a great moocher].

[Rejected Rosebud]

That's not bad mouthing him?

 

That's fine if that's what you want to say to her, she's your daughter, but she's only a baby and you guys were married for what, like three months?

 

No it's NOT badmouthing him, telling the child that he is not ABLE to be a husband and father is putting it on him but not in an accusatory way, kids need to be assured that their parent is missing because of THEM not because the kid is unloveable. I bet that CP will be open if this guy has a miraculous rebirth of some kind and comes back wanting to be a father instead of a sperm donor but in the meanwhile the little one can't be growing up thinking that she was not worth her fathers time!!!

[amaysngrace]

No it's NOT badmouthing him, telling the child that he is not ABLE to be a husband and father is putting it on him but not in an accusatory way, kids need to be assured that their parent is missing because of THEM not because the kid is unloveable. I bet that CP will be open if this guy has a miraculous rebirth of some kind and comes back wanting to be a father instead of a sperm donor but in the meanwhile the little one can't be growing up thinking that she was not worth her fathers time!!!

 

Okay and when she asks why wasn't he a good father then what? All kids ask why.

[Candy_Pants]

Okay and when she asks why wasn't he a good father then what? All kids ask why.

 

This is definitely something I've agonized over. And she can't even speak yet!! I suppose I'll have to handle that as it happens. I won't lie to her and I don't feel that telling her the truth (in a kind way) is bad mouthing him. This was his choice. I refuse to be the bad guy. But even if she goes through teenage episodes where she hates me or blames me, I can take it. I'm the adult after all. And I'm the one who will always be there for her. That's got to count for something .

[Candy_Pants]

Yes, she'll continue to own her stocks been if he gives up his parental rights. That doesn't change her blood quantum.

 

Even if I can't legally get him to sign away his parental rights, I can get sole custody.

 

And Rejected Rosebud is correct. If he makes a miraculous turn around and starts going to therapy, I'd definitely consider visitation. I'm not trying to take this child from him. In fact despite all he's done I've tried to get him to visit her. He doesn't have any interest. He's living near and hasn't even bothered to contact me.

 

I am doing what I think is best. And that's all I can do. I'm not being malicious. I love him and always will. But that doesn't mean I should force him to be a parent. Especially when it's not in the best interest of my child.

[BetrayedH]

You can figure out what to say after the divorce. I suspect there's still drama to unfold here, especially if he ultimately can't waive his parental rights in order to get out of child support. Frankly, he should be paying child support, period. I'd quit thinking it about it as an either/or scenario. He can pay AND you can get full custody (pretty damn likely considering his reputation at this point). Then you can discuss visitation.

 

Oh, and I'm glad you're not dead or something.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Okay and when she asks why wasn't he a good father then what? All kids ask why.

Well first I didn't say he "wasn't a good father" I said he was not ABLE to be a husband or a father, she should tell her daughter the truth. He has a substance abuse problem, he has problems managing his feelings so he is not safe, he couldn't settle down, whatever the truth is. That is not the same as badmouthing him, it's telling the sad truth.