Rumpy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I’d love to hear what people think of this situation please. I've met the girl of my dreams online. Beautiful, nearly 6 ft tall, so thin, so clever, so funny, and so kind-hearted. She's perfect. We have had four dates, and have more planned, (including a show that's 10 weeks away!), but she hasn't let me kiss her and I am becoming confused. I don’t have much dating experience. We've mostly had a great time on the dates. She complains about "boring men" whereas I make her laugh almost non-stop, and she seems impressed by my intelligence. After the 3rd & 4th dates I moved towards her but she very deliberately turned her face away and it became another hug. However she says things to me like “I wish you didn’t have to go” and “come back! come back tomorrow!” (We live 40 miles apart.) She even let me stay at hers one night when I missed the last train, but only to sleep, no touching! So she trusts me. We send each other funny emails nearly every day. She’s been going on other dates, but don't know if that is still continuing or not. With this competition in mind, I decided to be overt about how much I like her: I sent her flowers after the second date (which she loved), I told her after the third "how excited I am about meeting you", (she said "really?!" like it was a surprise or something!), and on the fourth I just looked her in the eyes and said "I really like you you know", she didn't really react much but I stayed calm and let it hang for a few moments and kept smiling at her before gently guiding the conversation away. Was this a mistake? I feel really pleased to have said how I feel, and I think I avoided awkwardness well, but nor does it seem to have changed anything. She mentioned that her only two relationships have been with people she gradually got to know first, so I have been taking this as a message that she needs to take things reeeeeally slowly. But I have little experience of dating, and am fearful of falling into some sort of friendship dead-end, given that I am rapidly falling for this girl in a big way. She’s probably lonely in her new town and so may just be using me for company? Or is keeping me on hold whilst she sees how other dates go? I'm not working at the moment because I'm retraining as a doctor, but she probably has no idea that I own a couple of houses and and am financially secure. I wonder if uncertainties about my ability to ‘provide’ are playing on my mind? Should I drop this in somehow? It feels so lame. We're both 32 and I know she is a little worried about running out of time to have a family. I would be comfortable with commitment if and when the time is right. She mentions her artist ex-boyfriend more often than is healthy (they were together for 8 years and are still close). I can’t understand why he would let her slip away if they still get on so well, but can’t possibly ask. I worry that there’s more to this story, perhaps they’re having a break and will get back together? For someone as special as this I am willing to be endlessly patient, but don’t want to be hurt if it’s not going to go anywhere. She is coming to visit me in two days, we’ll probably relax at my house for a while and go out for a meal, I would love to hear your advice of what to do/say and what not to do/say. What sort of time limits should I place on this situation, if any? Thank you for reading!
LifeandPerseverance Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 I told her after the third "how excited I am about meeting you", (she said "really?!" like it was a surprise or something!), and on the fourth I just looked her in the eyes and said "I really like you you know", she didn't really react much but I stayed calm and let it hang for a few moments and kept smiling at her before gently guiding the conversation away. In my opinion, these are not good signs. That's just my opinion. When you tell someone "I really like you" and they don't reciprocate--that was their cue to reciprocate, if they felt something--also telling her you were excited to meet, and her reaction was simply "really?" that's a deflective line--one to pull away from you noticing she's avoiding saying it back to you. Granted this is just me, but I feel like by date FOUR there should be enough chemistry, if you're interested in someone, to kiss. If that hasn't happened, and the person isn't super shy/never kissed anyone/etc, then something is wrong. And I'm the QUEEN OF shy and taking my time having to get comfortable with a guy. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 When my husband hadn't kissed me by our 3rd date I was about to dump him. You have to ask her. Her behavior seems odd & stand-offish to me. It also seems that she's either stringing you along or she's not as into you as you are to her. Then again, she could be religious, prudish, an abuse survivor, shy . . . who knows. Speculating wouldn't solve anything. She is the one who holds the answers. You seem to be doing everything right so . . . talk to her. 6
wb1988 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) I think even a mennonite or muslim in syria would say that you're going to slow —*four dates and no kiss? She turned her cheek? She didn't let you touch her even when you were sleeping together? She had a bf for 8 years? There could be many reasons but I think whatever it is you should move on. She already seems like the type that's very high maintenance emotionally & mentally. Also the fact that she's playing so hard to get means that she thinks that you have no options and considers you low value. If she really thought that you were awesome and was interested she wouldn't be stringing you for so long. Edited February 23, 2015 by wb1988
PogoStick Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Some women get their self esteem from being chased. The typical "tease" girl. She's happy to enjoy your attention, and from the other men as well, because it makes her feel good about herself. Yet, she's not willing to reciprocate and be part of the relationship. You almost sound friendzoned already. Your BEST play is to pull away from her. You went way overboard with flowers on the 2nd date, and all the talk of liking her. A woman needs to earn those things and she hasn't earned any of it. You gave it away. As the guy above mentioned, you have no options. You NEED options. You need to be dating other women. This girl needs to be in danger of losing you to another woman who will treat you right. Stop being a puppy. Being "patient" is the wrong attitude. If she doesn't recognize your value then you move on and she loses. 4
preraph Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Sounds like she gets to know a person first. If I were you, I would toot your own horn about how solvent you are. Can't hurt. She may be hung up on the ex. But she did say she is always slow, so I think maybe she is just waiting before sleeping with someone and isn't one of those silly girls who thinks the way to do that is do everything else in the kama sutra but intercourse. I think I'd hang in there with her at least until the big event. At some point, ask her if she is seeing other guys. Ask you how she sees a long-term relationship progressing, what she needs and looks for. Maybe she'll be honest and give you a clue.
losangelena Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Well, I'm sure you didn't manage to secure your two homes, financial success, or get into doctor training by sitting around and wondering. What I mean is, use your words. Ask this woman, just ask. So many of our problems on here would be solved if we just ask. I'm as guilty of it as the next person, so I get it, but here you are after four dates and you're riled up enough about this that you're posting about it on an internet forum. We don't ask, because we're afraid of the answers. Sure, you could be thinking, "if I ask why she won't kiss me, it'll scare her away." But I'm here to say, that if she's the right girl for you, or even a remote possibility of the right girl, she won't mind the question. I'd say that yes, I would feel a bit weird if a man I dated four time didn't try to kiss me (I dumped one once after we went out five times and no kiss), but you've tried. You have made romantic overtures to her, and at this point, you're right to want to know what's up. Or, as an alternate track, you could tell her that you'd really like to kiss her, and see what she says. If her answer is unsatisfactory, it's time to move on. 2
BluEyeL Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Yes, I would also ask her, but not "why haven't you kissed me?". Instead, tell her you'd like to kiss her before trying and see what she says. By 5th date she should be ready. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 She sounds highly attractive (the height is huge bonus points most women don't get), and I have a feeling she's playing games with you. Is there any other physical affection - touching/holding hands? Or is it very platonic feeling? You might be coming on a bit strong/needy too especially considering how she isn't reciprocating. I wouldn't say "I'm so glad I met you!!!" if she's holding out on me. Girls who are 9s and 10s are full of games in my experience. You can try another date and be more direct and ask if you can kiss her - it will put her on the spot and if she says no - well there you go. I usually hate using this approach but it does work. 1
elaine567 Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 Could be she is not over the artist ex, or she is just feeling a bit tense as 8 years with one person and then getting back to dating can be very scary. Getting intimate with another person, can feel like a huge step to take.
mysteryscape Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 She’s been going on other dates, but don't know if that is still continuing or not. With this competition in mind, I decided to be overt about how much I like her: So she's seeing other men -- you at least deserve to know for sure -- and you're head over heels for her! She's probably holding back because she's just not really that into you. And you are fearful of the ex-boyfriend in the picture, as you probably should be. You need to talk to her about where you stand and where the two of you are going. See if the answers satisfy you. Otherwise you're headed for a very bad crash, I'm afraid. She will likely either go back to the boyfriend, or, if she's looking around (dating others, as you suspect), she'll find someone who really rocks the boat for her. And you'll be left with nothing. 2
Author Rumpy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Posted February 24, 2015 Hi, OP here, first I just want to thank each of you that has taken the time to read and write back to me, I appreciate it. Some interesting viewpoints there, more negative than I expected, very interesting. I know it doesn't look great, but there are still positives there (e.g. she wants to see me, she's travelling 40 miles to see me) along with the obvious negatives, so I'm not writing this off yet. She's not religious but was brought up catholic. Yes, she is quite shy. The ex is a slight concern but he's far away in a different city now. She did say the thing about taking her time at the start, so it wasn't just making excuses. As for just "forgetting about her and moving on", I think you missed the "Dream Girl" part of the title! Great point about needing to have other options - I have been on a few first dates with some perfectly nice women but they live far away and just don't rock my world like this one does, I live in a small town so opportunities are very limited. I will probably take your advice and just ask her openly on the fifth date what the situation is. Thanks again all of you Rumpy
todreaminblue Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I agree talk to her....there is it seems hesitation on her part, theres always reasons......find out hers...be open honest and understanding and as patient as you say you are........deb
EgoJoe Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Reset this encounter. Go dark, schedule a date and be very sexual the next time you see her. Do everything you can to allow her to relax. But, rebuild the mystery.
Buddhist Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) She mentions her artist ex-boyfriend more often than is healthy (they were together for 8 years and are still close). I can’t understand why he would let her slip away if they still get on so well, but can’t possibly ask. I worry that there’s more to this story, She's not just holding back, she is dead cold. Like corpse cold. Turning away from a kiss after 4 dates? It doesn't look good. If she is interested even just a peck on the lips would have happened. She would have been excited to see you make a move. Not recoil and offer a.......hug. Hugs are for guys we like but don't want to get naked with. The backstory above pinged my chick-intuition. She's not over him, everyone is boring compared to him, because they are not him. Why did he let her slip away? Indeed. People rarely break up over nothing, there is more than meets the eye here. The only reason for her to endlessly prattle on about him in your presence is because she's not invested in you. If she was she wouldn't drag him along on your dates metaphorically like that. Sorry to say but based on the info here I'm coming up with a not good prognosis Dr. Edited February 24, 2015 by Buddhist 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Yeah, either she's a flake, or wants you around for the attention only. I mean, what's the use of spending THAT much time with a woman and you cannot even kiss her? LAUNCH! Some women get their self esteem from being chased. The typical "tease" girl. She's happy to enjoy your attention, and from the other men as well, because it makes her feel good about herself. Yet, she's not willing to reciprocate and be part of the relationship. You almost sound friendzoned already. Your BEST play is to pull away from her. You went way overboard with flowers on the 2nd date, and all the talk of liking her. A woman needs to earn those things and she hasn't earned any of it. You gave it away. As the guy above mentioned, you have no options. You NEED options. You need to be dating other women. This girl needs to be in danger of losing you to another woman who will treat you right. Stop being a puppy. Being "patient" is the wrong attitude. If she doesn't recognize your value then you move on and she loses.
Author Rumpy Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Hi, OP here. Thanks again to all who read and replied. I thought I'd post a quick update for any of you who are interested in my little soap opera.. Date five was spectacular. We decided not to go to the restaurant and stayed at my flat and drank wine. It turns out that apart from being sweet and stunning, she also has a ridiculously good taste in music! No mention at all of the ex boyfriend. We ended up 'making out' (as you guys say) on the sofa.. then on the floor.. then in bed, for hours. Then fell asleep cuddled up. In the morning we both skipped our morning meetings, made out some more, and then somehow ended up naked and having sex. Twice. It was great. So, yeah I'm feeling pretty good about things now, we're going out again tonight. Sure, I can understand why people were negative about the situation given the bare bones, but the purpose of me posting this is to serve to show to anyone in s similar situation reading this in the future, not to panic or give up too soon!
Moy Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Four dates and no kiss? Mentions her ex too often? Cold towards you? NEXT!
Moy Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Hi, OP here. Thanks again to all who read and replied. I thought I'd post a quick update for any of you who are interested in my little soap opera.. Date five was spectacular. We decided not to go to the restaurant and stayed at my flat and drank wine. It turns out that apart from being sweet and stunning, she also has a ridiculously good taste in music! No mention at all of the ex boyfriend. We ended up 'making out' (as you guys say) on the sofa.. then on the floor.. then in bed, for hours. Then fell asleep cuddled up. In the morning we both skipped our morning meetings, made out some more, and then somehow ended up naked and having sex. Twice. It was great. So, yeah I'm feeling pretty good about things now, we're going out again tonight. Sure, I can understand why people were negative about the situation given the bare bones, but the purpose of me posting this is to serve to show to anyone in s similar situation reading this in the future, not to panic or give up too soon! Consider my last post inadmissable!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Hi, OP here. Thanks again to all who read and replied. I thought I'd post a quick update for any of you who are interested in my little soap opera.. Date five was spectacular. We decided not to go to the restaurant and stayed at my flat and drank wine. It turns out that apart from being sweet and stunning, she also has a ridiculously good taste in music! No mention at all of the ex boyfriend. We ended up 'making out' (as you guys say) on the sofa.. then on the floor.. then in bed, for hours. Then fell asleep cuddled up. In the morning we both skipped our morning meetings, made out some more, and then somehow ended up naked and having sex. Twice. It was great. So, yeah I'm feeling pretty good about things now, we're going out again tonight. Sure, I can understand why people were negative about the situation given the bare bones, but the purpose of me posting this is to serve to show to anyone in s similar situation reading this in the future, not to panic or give up too soon! ...Well that escalated quickly Lol. Glad it worked out, even though I'd hazard to say you got somewhat lucky - I don't think its typical for things to turn around that drastically in that kind of situation.
fitnessfan365 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 It sounds like she enjoys your company as a friend and activity buddy. But it doesn't sound like she is romantically interested. What you need to do is take a stand and be honest with her. Say "I really enjoy spending time with you, and we get along really well. But you're throwing mixed signals my way. So if you're not interested in anything romantic happening between us, it's best that we stop seeing each other". ALWAYS have an indifferent walk away mentality, and ALWAYS focus on a girl's actions and not what she says
Jame22 Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 What you need to do is take a stand and be honest with her. Say "I really enjoy spending time with you, and we get along really well. But you're throwing mixed signals my way. So if you're not interested in anything romantic happening between us, it's best that we stop seeing each other". ALWAYS have an indifferent walk away mentality, and ALWAYS focus on a girl's actions and not what she says No! Don't do that! at least not yet. you're obviously not in thefriendzone so give her some more time.
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