Smoking

[fire_angel94]

It looks really trivial compared to the other posts here but I have a problem about my boyfriend socially smoking.

 

It started in early January after a really bad break-up between us and we managed to patch things back together. The drawback however, is that it resulted in him smoking again. He hasn't stopped since even though it is only socially when he's out with friends or work.

 

The issue is that i HATE smoking. I can't stand the smell and I just really can't get my head over it. I don't understand smoking at all and it really puts me off.

 

My best friend and his best friend (they're also attached to each other)both smoke and when we hang out he smokes too even when I'm around and he knows I hate it. The other day we went out drinking because it was my birthday and they wanted to get me drunk. He snuck out for a quickie with his best friend telling me he's going to the toilet.

 

I know he won't quit if he doesn't want to. I mentioned it several times and told him I really hoped he'd quit and he says yeah he'll try but he isn't. He usually wouldn't smoke in front of me but that day he did. It's really getting to me. I don't want to give him an ultimatum or nag anymore because it might result in him starting to lie to me - which is even worse.

 

My best friend has talked to me about it and says I should let him be and not try to control him. I agree but I'm really at my wits end. I'm just trying my best to accept it but it really bugs me and hurts me to think about it.

 

Any advice?

[carhill]

Presuming he's aware that his habit is something you don't like nor agree with, he has choices, as do you. In relationships, IMO all we can do is be authentic with our feelings and perspectives and then make choices which respect them.

 

If you decide that association with him supersedes your disagreement with his smoking, associate. If not, not. The only sure control one has in life is over their own perspectives and choices and actions. Everything, and everyone, else is beyond one's control.

 

As a life-long non-smoker, I saw two differing choices when growing up as the son of two adult smokers, very common in my generation. My mom saw the effects of the blue haze (my term for the house when a child) on me and quit cold-turkey when I was ten and never smoked again in her life. Dad smoked until he died. His habit was more important to him than consideration for the others in the household. Was that wrong? Opinion varies. However, association is always a choice.

 

When I associate with friends who smoke, I make a choice to associate with them and accept who they are, including their habits, vices, personality traits, mannerisms and everything which makes them who they are, as they do likewise. It's equal and voluntary. If their friendship isn't worth the aversion to smoking as a habit, I discontinue the association, as is my right and freedom. For them, the same, for any habit or behavior they find disagreeable or not worth association.

 

If the numbers in your username indicate age, you're fairly young so lots of fish in the sea (men to enjoy and encounter). Your perspectives on life are still forming. Maybe this guy has value which obviates his disagreeable habit. Maybe he'll quit. Maybe you'll get used to it. Maybe you'll find someone more compatible in that regard, or maybe he will. You both have choices.

[Dybbuk]

The thing with smoking is, if he doesn't WANT to quit he won't. Ever. Smoking is an addiction that can only be overcome by the person that does it.

 

So you have to ask yourself... if he continues to do this, can I accept it? If not, then you need to find someone who compliments and suits your lifestyle. It's not your responsibility to fight/encourage him to quit/change him nor his vices. That's on him, and if doesn't want to he won't. Trying to make him do it will only push him away and potentially result in some resentment issues/arguments.

 

He may or may not quit, but you need to face the reality that he may not ever. It's now in your hands to decide if you are willing to live with that and not let it bother you or walk away.

[Gloria25]

Then date a non-smoker....

 

Dating is to figure out if the person and you are a "match". Sometimes that takes compromises and figuring out dealbreakers cuz no one is gonna be 100% what you want.

 

So, if smoking is a dealbreaker then maybe it's time to consider dating someone else.

[whichwayisup]

Trust me, the more you harp on him about the smoking, the more he will smoke.

 

Have one final conversation and just tell him it's also about his health, not just that you hate it.

 

If he doesn't want to quit, then you need to make a decision, break up with him and find a non smoker or put up with his smoking. *though you CAN tell him not to smoke around you at all.*

[Robert Z]

You "can't understand him smoking". Let's put it into perspective: People will smoke while knowing full well that it is will kill them or even is killing them. I had a friend who worked in health care. He once told me about a man who would smoke through his tracheotomy tube. This after radical surgery for throat cancer.

 

Nicotine is a highly addictive substance - more addictive than cocaine and heroin by some measures. At the least, understand that for some people this is a huge battle and not a simple choice. The tobacco industry has been highly effective at addicting their clients, as has been the junk food industry.

 

Perhaps the biggest mistake women make: You all marry us thinking you can change us. Then you resent us when we don't change.

[ASG]

You "can't understand him smoking". Let's put it into perspective: People will smoke while knowing full well that it is will kill them or even is killing them. I had a friend who worked in health care. He once told me about a man who would smoke through his tracheotomy tube. This after radical surgery for throat cancer.

 

Nicotine is a highly addictive substance - more addictive than cocaine and heroin by some measures. At the least, understand that for some people this is a huge battle and not a simple choice. The tobacco industry has been highly effective at addicting their clients, as has been the junk food industry.

 

Perhaps the biggest mistake women make: You all marry us thinking you can change us. Then you resent us when we don't change.

 

More addictive than the actual nicotine is the SMOKING.

 

I don't think most non smokers understand this. I am FINE without nicotine. It's the social act of smoking that gets me. The going outside, cigarette in hand, during a break at work. Taking the breaks, the flavour of it, the way it hits your throat.

 

I can spend a whole day at home not smoking. But as soon as I get to the bus stop, I crave a cigarette. Not because I need nicotine at that particular time. But because I want the company a cigarette brings.

 

*THAT* is what makes quitting smoking difficult. Not the nicotine.

[Robert Z]

*THAT* is what makes quitting smoking difficult. Not the nicotine.

 

 

No doubt that is also true for some people.

[ASG]

No doubt that is also true for some people.

 

With the advent of electronic cigarettes you see that more and more, actually. People vaping 0% nicotine liquids, but still "smoking".

 

So it's not about the nicotine in many cases. it's the damn habit of smoking. That has always been my issue.