When MM dies

[suregirl1122]

I have been out of my A since Jan 2012. I saw him last July 2012 by accident at the lab in the hospital. We where both getting blood work done. I was alone he was with his daughter. He didn't even acknowledge me with a look. Walked past me like I was a ghost. It hurt. I worked through it.

 

I found out he died last Friday and found out today it was from liver cancer. I wanted so much to go to the wake and burial last week. I didn't .I thought I worked through all my feelings about him. I have been crying on and off since last week.

 

Why is this happening now?

[bathtub-row]

Wow, that is really rough. I'm so sorry this has happened. I know that if anything happened to my xMM, it would crush me.

 

There's not really anything you can do and it was probably good that you stayed away. Maybe you can go visit his gravesite in a few days.

 

Why did he ignore you the last time you saw each other? Did you have a bad break-up?

[GoldieLox]

I think it's happening now because the feelings you processed before were the ending of the affair. This is a different kind of grief. When the affair ended, you knew it was over, but you knew he was still 'around' in a certain aspect. This is final, there's no coming back from it.

 

OP, I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. I like bathtub's suggestion. If there is a gravesite, wait a week or so and visit. Maybe you can get some final closure.

[goodyblue]

My very first high school boyfriend did not stay in touch. We dated for a few years and it was a hard break up. Twenty years later we reconnected. It was just friendly but we were very close. Then, radio silence. He just stopped talking to me, I had no idea why and it was sad and awful. Then, I found out he had shot himself in his house and his friend found him. I truly was devastated. We had history. He was my first love. I found it very difficult to get over. I also didn't go to the service. I waited a few weeks and then took some flowers to his grave.

 

It still makes me really sad to think of it and while it is different from your situation, lots of common threads too. I wish I had pushed harder to reach out when he went silent. But... I can't change it so I remember him fondly, and when I think of him, make sure it is happy thoughts.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. It is never easy. Allow yourself to grieve.

 

Hugs.

[MissBee]

I have been out of my A since Jan 2012. I saw him last July 2012 by accident at the lab in the hospital. We where both getting blood work done. I was alone he was with his daughter. He didn't even acknowledge me with a look. Walked past me like I was a ghost. It hurt. I worked through it.

 

I found out he died last Friday and found out today it was from liver cancer. I wanted so much to go to the wake and burial last week. I didn't .I thought I worked through all my feelings about him. I have been crying on and off since last week.

 

Why is this happening now?

 

I'm sorry for your pain and your loss.

 

You cared about him and like when anyone you cared about, be they an ex or not, passes away it's an emotional experience. In your case you couldn't even attend the wake and burial so that of course adds to the emotions as it feels even more undone/unsaid.

 

I am not with my exAP anymore but I truly loved him and if he were to pass that would affect me. With any ex really that I cared about, their passing would be an emotional thing for me because of what we once had. So it makes perfect sense.

 

Perhaps you can do your own ritual to help you get closure and say your goodbyes. I agree with visiting his grave, if you know where it is, after some time has passed.

 

This was actually one of my fears during the A. As morbid as it was I always thought about what would happen if God forbid he died, was in a coma or anything like that. The idea that I would not be contacted first and even if I were I would not be by his side hurt me so much and then made me so angry and was one of the many reasons I was like to hell with this situation, as it curtails so much of the normal processes one experiences or deserves to experience in a loving, open R.

Edited February 24, 2015 by MissBee

[solostand]

OMG this must hurt. I really feel for you. It's totally natural to grieve for this man, someone whom you once loved. It is also terrible that you could not attend the wake or funeral to have final closure.

 

Someone once suggested to me that when something like this happens, you write him a letter, saying good-bye and letting all your feelings out, then take it to the grave and burn it, sending the smoke to the heavens. I know it works for some.

 

When I was in my affair, xMM was 63, 64, 65, and now 66. He almost died once and I couldn't fathom how horrible it would be if he did die and I was just another mourner at the funeral. Like I was nobody. I still check the obituaries every day in case he does die. Morbid, I know.

 

Is there a reason you did not attend the wake or funeral?

[Mal78]

I have been out of my A since Jan 2012. I saw him last July 2012 by accident at the lab in the hospital. We where both getting blood work done. I was alone he was with his daughter. He didn't even acknowledge me with a look. Walked past me like I was a ghost. It hurt. I worked through it.

 

I found out he died last Friday and found out today it was from liver cancer. I wanted so much to go to the wake and burial last week. I didn't .I thought I worked through all my feelings about him. I have been crying on and off since last week.

 

Why is this happening now?

 

A lover died. This would be hard for anyone!

 

As when he ignored you. Let's assume he knew he had cancer then. Let's also assume with the type of cancer it was only a matter of time.

 

He spared you the anguish of knowing he was dying for the past 3 years. That definitely might of been a blessing in disguise.

 

I'm sorry for the loss.

[blue963]

Try to appreciate the time that you did have. Perhaps he didnt acknowledge because he didnt want to drag up things and make it more difficult for both of you during this situation. He probably had so emotions going on preparing himself. When you know you are terminally ill, there is a ton of things that you have to work through.

[Chasing_mya]

You are only human and it's natural to mourn for someone that you were involved with (no matter the capacity). I'm sure there were still some unresolved feelings that you had for him and none the less he was someone that you once cared for. Cry if you need to, let it all out, so that you can feel better and it will help in your healing and letting it go. Sending you hugs!!!