sad and scared Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 When I said yes, it seemed like a good idea. I was coming off of a bad time when the theatre company that I was involved with had a nasty break-up. I didn't think that anybody could ever want me and the fact that this man seemed to was such a balm to a wounded soul. But, he didn't know who I was. I was so hurt by what had happened that the part of me that was my heart and soul hid deep down and licked its wounds. We've been married 22 years and have two teenagers, one of whom is in college. Over the past several years the me that is who I am has begun to surface. I am not happy in my marriage. Aside from the fact that I am becoming the person I really am again...the person my husband did not know when he proposed, he has changed and developed interests that not only do I not share, I actively have scorn for. He is unaware of all of this...either that or he is an active denial, neither of which would surprise me. The point is that I want to leave and let us both develop what we need to be without the other's lack of support. Both my children believe we would be better off apart. However, intellectualizing this is all well and good. In reality, he will be extremely hurt by this whole revelation. But, yet, I find myself crying every day because I need to be on my own and me again. I have a good support system. yet, I cannot bring myself to confront and hurt. Both confrontation and hurting someone are so far out of my realm that I fake happiness and content rather than do what would ultimately be best. How do you tell someone that hasn't done anything other than change that you've changed and he's changed and it's just not good anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 Do you guys even communicate to begin with? Doesn't sound like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 Hmmm.... I've got to ask this, and I'm sorry up front if I offend. Is part of your support system a male friend who seems to totally understand where you're coming from? A guy that you've shared your problems with, and can completely see your viewpoint? Link to post Share on other sites
sad and scared Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 westernxer - no...you're right...we talk a lot, but we don't communicate. owl - I understand why you would ask, but no...i wish it were that "simple". It really has been a case of growing apart. Even at the beginning (with the benefit of hindsight) there were signs of what has indeed developed. He had interests which I sort of shared but as time has progressed have become overwhelmingly more than I want to share or can even understand. But, that's fine...it's something that really calls to him and it would be wrong to ask him to give it up. Just as the theatre has gotten as firm a hold on me as it used to have before the nastiness that happened. I just figured out that I have worked on 15 shows (to a greater or lesser extent) in the past 14 months and I have never been happier. But, I know it's not fair to him and while he is supportive, he is not happy. And neither am I....on that level. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 Is this one of those situations in which you saw an early red flag and ignored it, hoping you could get him to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 Originally posted by sad and scared How do you tell someone that hasn't done anything other than change that you've changed and he's changed and it's just not good anymore. By telling him what you wrote instead of us. Link to post Share on other sites
sad and scared Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Thank you, westernxer and owl for your thoughts. Pocky, you, of course, are right. I guess the real question is how do I get up the nerve...even if it is the right thing to do....and I guess that's up to me. I guess I just needed to vent somewhere. Thanks for listening. /s&s Link to post Share on other sites
opinions only Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 I think that you are not being honest with yourself so you can't be honest with him. I think you have doubts because if you really wanted to be you and not suffer in silent you would have told him a long time ago. It won't be easy to accept it at first but with time you both will realize it was the best thing to do. You are afraid of what the outcome will be and are afraid to deal with it. Be good to yourself do yourself a favor and let it out no one has to be attached to no one because they feel sorry for them feel sorry for yourself, you have live pretending to be happy, be happy for reals find your happiness within you first ,no one will find it for you, don't let it just come to you go out there and get it. Nothing leads to more disappointment and bitterness than the belief that you're owed something in life. Why wait for fait to somehow deliver unknown future bounties and success? Start focusing on what you can do to make things happen right now. Be greatful for the fact that you are in charge of your own destiny- no one else is. Celebrate each success you achieve and pause to enjoy each moment of good fortune. When set backs occur, shake them off and move on. Fill your life with positive energy not by making plans for the future but by living for today. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 sad and scared, have you ever told him you were unhappy? (My husband just left me, so I'm a bit biased) After 22 years, I think you owe both yourselves an opportunity to honestly communicate with each other and decide together what will make each other happy. It would be sad if you both really could find a compromise that would make each other happy instead of disolving a marriage. If this is the very first time you are going to tell him you were unhappy, then I would suggest going to marriage counselling. It will atleast help him come to grasp with the situation, and perhaps help him understand it was nothing he did. It will also give him the help he'll need after you leave. I just went to a therapist (alone), and it's definitely helped me a lot in understanding the situation, what I did wrong to ruin the relationship, and what my husband did. I still dont understand why he's just bailed on me, but I do understand that I can do much better in my next relationship. I understand the symptoms I've been suffering, and have better tools to deal with them if they arise in the future. I do wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 There is no reason to dissolve a marriage other than infidelity. You need to communicate, that's all there is to it. Think back 22 years ago, and the promise you made to each other. Did either one of you vow to stay together, but only to the point to where you feel you need to be on your own again? I don't think so. Is your word as valueable today as it was 22 years ago? Is honor important to you? These are things you need to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
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