A dilemma

[Shady1]

I have a dilemma. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now.

My girlfriend has a male friend who she has drunkenly slept with. This was before she and I met. It's worth noting at this stage he is a squaddie. He will occasionally message her or snapchat her. I was not happy with the tone (overly flirtatious) of his messages and in the early days of our relationship, her tone back. This erupted around 6 months ago where I found sexts between them. At this point I would like to note that I ended the relationship. However, I was convinced later that this was a genuine mistake and there were somewhat extenuating circumstances (my girlfriend has low self esteem and is almost certainly mildly bi-polar).

 

So, we get back together, 5months goes by, everything seems ok (we all have those little ups and downs eh?). I notice she has been talking to this guy again. Without confronting her she tells me that this "friend" of hers is being deployed to West Africa for 6months. He is leaving in the next 2 weeks and that she would like to go for a drink or 2 with him. However, she deleted all messages to and from him which I told her makes all of this look incredibly shady.

 

Now this is where my dilemma sets in. Without prompting, she offered to keep my informed of when she was going, when she got there and when she was on her way home/at home etc. However, she also made perfectly clear that this was not her asking to go, but her telling me she was going and hat she would not be on her phone the whole time she's there.

I told her I was very uncomfortable with this. I later told her this again to which she told me she was already feeling guilty about this and why was I telling her this again. We haven't spoken properly since because I tools day to gather my thoughts and didn't talk to her all day. I was/am partly angry that I've been made to feel bad for voicing my feelings.

 

My dilemma is that I know I am mature enough to be comfortable with her meeting male friends alone. I know this because it has happened before. But there was none of this history with them.

 

I feel like I would never put her in this position so why should she do it to me? At the same time, an ultimatum such as 'if you see him it's over' or 'it's him or me' type scenarios may be overkill and I don't think I want to end the relationship over this. I feel like it could be a case of education to some extent? (I say this as my girlfriend is 20 and never been in a functional relationship) by which I mean expressing this is absolutely not normal.

 

I know this is somewhat contradictory but I trust her. I don't honestly believe she would go and have sex with him under the guise of going for a drink. I have raised that with her and her response (somewhat rightly) was "well, I'm hardly going to sleep with him in a pub am I?" (Which helped loads....). But given the history with her and this clown there is always that small slither of doubt.

 

In my head there are 3 ways forward here:

1) Tell her I'm not comfortable, never will be and if she goes, I'm walking away.

 

2) Let her go, deal with the rage and uncertainty of what may or may not 'really' happen that night and perhaps then begin the education piece around it was a one off?

 

3) Let her go, but offer to pick her up at the end of the night?

 

I'm honestly looking for some opinion/guidance here as to anyone else's previous experiences in similar(?) scenarios and what came of them afterwards.

 

Any help would be genuinely much appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Gloria25]

Number "1" and I wouldn't of had taken her back the first time you caught her "sexting" this guy...

 

Fool me once, shame on you....fool me twice, shame on me. A third time...oh gosh

[almond]

There is no such thing as "mildly bipolar." I'd suggest not using serious mental illness to excuse her immaturity and disrespect.

 

She has already cheated on you by sexting. She now tells you that she is going to see this guy and drink with him, and that you are not invited. If this guy is just a friend, why are you not allowed to go? I have male friends, and my boyfriend is invited every single time I see them. This is definitely a blazing red flag.

 

There is absolutely no reason at all that you should stay with her, whether she goes or not. She clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all, and is probably up to no good. The fact that she has flirted with other guys and sexted in the past shows that she doesn't love or respect you anywhere near as much as you think she does. She doesn't ask how you feel about her going out to drink alone with this guy, she makes it clear that you have no say. You need to have some pride here...you're being walked all over.

 

This is going nowhere good. Don't waste any more time on this one. Have some dignity...just end it, and go NC. No need for an ultimatum...even if she chooses not to go to save the relationship, it's not worth continuing here.

 

You deserve better, and you need to realise that yourself, so that in future you're not treated as a doormat as you have been this time around.

[No Limit]

This is going nowhere and you know it. No idea why you took her back the 1st time to be honest.

[salparadise]

She now tells you that she is going to see this guy and drink with him, and that you are not invited. If this guy is just a friend, why are you not allowed to go? I have male friends, and my boyfriend is invited every single time I see them. This is definitely a blazing red flag.

 

Yea, this just doesn't smell right. If it were just an innocent social visit then there's no reason you shouldn't be invited. That's so easy and obvious. Then she deletes all of the recent sexts and preemptively warns you that she won't be on the phone while she's with him? Sounds to me like she's got the plan worked out, and it involves more than a few drinks. The plan is more important than your feelings, and apparently the relationship. Her determination to make this happen, and in a certain way, is out of proportion to having a couple of drinks. Sorry dude.

[Gloria25]

There is no such thing as "mildly bipolar." I'd suggest not using serious mental illness to excuse her immaturity and disrespect.

 

She has already cheated on you by sexting. She now tells you that she is going to see this guy and drink with him, and that you are not invited. If this guy is just a friend, why are you not allowed to go? I have male friends, and my boyfriend is invited every single time I see them. This is definitely a blazing red flag.

 

There is absolutely no reason at all that you should stay with her, whether she goes or not. She clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all, and is probably up to no good. The fact that she has flirted with other guys and sexted in the past shows that she doesn't love or respect you anywhere near as much as you think she does. She doesn't ask how you feel about her going out to drink alone with this guy, she makes it clear that you have no say. You need to have some pride here...you're being walked all over.

 

This is going nowhere good. Don't waste any more time on this one. Have some dignity...just end it, and go NC. No need for an ultimatum...even if she chooses not to go to save the relationship, it's not worth continuing here.

 

You deserve better, and you need to realise that yourself, so that in future you're not treated as a doormat as you have been this time around.

 

If we had a "double like" button here, I'd click it on this post ^^.

 

Too many people say people with bad character have some sort of "mental illness" and/or "addiction" when that is not the case.

[spiderowl]

Keeping in touch with friends - OK

 

Meeting friends alone and not keeping phone on - OK - one should be allowed some privacy. If it was your old flame going to a dangerous place, you'd want to wish them well in private.

 

Sexting with friends - NOT OK

 

I can see why you have a dilemma. It's up to you how you react but maybe you should consider withdrawing a little from this relationship and looking at other options yourself. Your girlfriend might just realise she could lose you rather than take you for granted.

[preraph]

Well, this is a perfect example of when she should have invited you along. I mean, she has hooked up with him, and she was sexting him, so you know there's attraction on both sides. And yet she's going anyway. I believe in people having friends, even opposite-sex friends, but I think this is asking too much of you under the circumstances. She can be friends with someone she hooked up with once, yes. But sexting? No. I'm not saying she's going to sleep with him before he goes either, but it's not like there's not mutual interest there, and she shouldn't be feeding it while she's supposedly in a committed relationship. So to me, you are now in an open relationship.

[BetrayedH]

Well, I'm singing with the chorus here.

 

She's had sex with the guy before, been busted sexting with him, and now she's notifying you that she's having drinks with him (and won't be on her phone). That last one is laughable. She's apparently also taking your balls with her in her purse.

 

Give her the ultimatum. She cancels or she clearly doesn't respect your relationship and you'll give it the same regard.

[Macattack]

I will bet she will get drunk. I don't know if she will call you but what's the point and she will probably flirt anyways. And we all know she will probably sleep with him.

It's better off to stay single then put up with this kind of crap.

[Quiet Storm]

You believe your GF to have low self esteem and suspect she is bi-polar.

 

Yet you also say you trust her not to cheat. Why would you? Low self esteem would make her more vulnerable to compliments and more likely to seek validation. If you suspect bi-polar, she probably shows traits such as impulsivity or self destructive behavior. All of these qualities will make her more likely to cheat. These personality traits should not be viewed as "extenuating circumstances" to excuse cheating or lying, they should be red flags.

 

In addition, when you communicate with her about your feelings, she disregards them and accuses you of putting a guilt trip on her. She knows what she's doing is wrong, but wants to avoid having to explain herself to you.

 

She does what she wants and doesn't care how you feel about it. This is not a good girlfriend for you. Even if she doesn't cheat, her disregard for your feelings is enough to show that you deserve better.

 

She doesn't respect you, and thinks that you value your relationship with her so much that you'll just shut up and take whatever she decides to dish out.

 

I would say "You don't have the same standards, boundaries and expectations for a relationship that I have. I'm not willing to lower my standards. We are not compatible."