Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[bamawsp]

now she wants a divorce after 13 years. I've exposed the divorce to her family, boss, our children and friends this evening(some after midnight so I haven't received a response). I've also exposed the divorce to his family which we will talk about in a moment.

 

Exposing the affair to our children (ages 12 10 and 7) sent her over the edge. She responded by saying she has never loved me and began blaming the affair on me. My oldest daughter actually left the OM a voicemail humanizing the effect. I also called her a whore and she went crazy saying "it's over" etc.

 

She claims it(being the marriage) is over (and it very well might be) but I am willing to work it out which I why I exposed the affair to the people that matter. I'm actually interested in what the boss has to say.

 

Anywho, all I can see is this guy's face and the destruction he has caused my family in conjunction with my wife. I'm prepared for any result, but I am looking for support.

[Toodaloo]

Whoa.. Knee jerk reaction.

 

It may have felt good at the time but long term thats one heck of an amount of damage you have just done.

 

So after humiliating her, belittling her and generally making her feel like dog poo you want her to crawl back?

 

Sounds to me like she is going to fight you all the way.

 

Please tell me how your personal life is relevant to her professional life.

 

Yes I agree she has done wrong but you have set the stage for a few years of very bitter and angry fights.

 

My advice is calm down. Your poor kids...

[No Limit]

Guess wayward wife didn't want dirty laundry to be aired publicly. Exposing was nonetheless right, but obviously it's backfired with your daughter. Reasons could be anything, maybe she's closer to her mom and "demonizing" her will make you look bad (which is why exposing affairs to kids is often waited for until they're a little older), another reason could be that since she also knew about the messages her mother might have taken it a little further and talk admiringly about him in front of/with your daughter etc.

 

Other than that; your wife's bomb just dropped on everyone, of course chaos was to be expected. Your kids are going to be pretty insecure and even scared about how things will proceed from now on. Do you intend to reconcile (although your wife probably won't want to) or are you leaving the marriage?

 

 

And, keep calm. You'll need nerves of steel the next few weeks.

[purplesorrow]

Sorry for what you are going through. I completely disagree with telling a 10 year old! This is adult crap. A child shouldn't know. You said you laid out your reconciliation requirements but does your wife even want to? I think it was fine to let the other spouse know, but his parents? Do you know any of those people? You may want to seek legal council to know all of your rights. Lastly, do you think your wife will get fired?

[No Limit]

Just saw your other thread; wayward wives don't take kindly to public humiliation. Get a lawyer, you'll definitely need to gear up. Reconciliation will depend on how she'll react the next few days, but better safe than sorry.

[violet1]

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm not a big fan of exposure like that. You said your daughter deserves to know her mom's a whore? I find that very offensive. I'm not trying to sound rude, but for me personally, if my husband had exposed my A like that, there's no way I would have been willing to agree to his terms of reconciliation.

[bamawsp]

I used a poor choice of words when describing my 10 year old's responses. She affirmed the affair saying she had seen messages on her mother's phone when my wife tried to deny it tonight. My kids deserve the truth. My oldest actually called the OM and told him to leave us all alone. She needs to see the chaos in all of its glory at what her affair has caused.

 

I honestly do not care if she gets fired. That is not my problem. I am not exposing the affair for revenge. I want my family back. We had our first counseling session a week ago last Friday. I discovered the affair this past Monday and she said she wanted to work it out. I then exposed the affair to the OM parents over the weekend. She came home tonight guns blazing and I decided it's time to expose to the people that matter

[bamawsp]

I respect your opinion but having an affair isn't healthy to children either. They deserve the truth. It will all work out for the best whatever that may be.

[violet1]

I used a poor choice of words when describing my 10 year old's responses. She affirmed the affair saying she had seen messages on her mother's phone when my wife tried to deny it tonight. My kids deserve the truth. My oldest actually called the OM and told him to leave us all alone. She needs to see the chaos in all of its glory at what her affair has caused.

 

I honestly do not care if she gets fired. That is not my problem. I am not exposing the affair for revenge. I want my family back. We had our first counseling session a week ago last Friday. I discovered the affair this past Monday and she said she wanted to work it out. I then exposed the affair to the OM parents over the weekend. She came home tonight guns blazing and I decided it's time to expose to the people that matter

Is the OM single? I understand contacting the AP's spouse, but why his parents? Why would you tell all your wife's family and friends? Why would you involve your children in adult problems? Was your goal to get your children to choose your side over your wife's? Do you want them to hate their own mother?

 

 

After my D Day, my H told one of my family members and one of his friends. I was fine with that because he needed support and people to vent to. If he had told all of my friends and family, I wouldn't have been okay with that at all. I asked my H to make the choice if we wanted to give me another chance. I put our reconciliation in his hands, but involving other people in our problems would have been a no go for me and we would have divorced.

[purplesorrow]

Your approach is not creating a setting for reconciliation. So much exposure and additional heartache created makes it an even more difficult feat than it already is. Trying to reconcile is difficult under the best circumstances (if there is such a thing). At any rate, please get your kids into therapy. I can't imagine how a kid would cope when adults have to struggle through it. Good luck.

[Toodaloo]

What children deserve is a safe environment where they can talk to their parents and not be forced into situations where they have to make a choice between them or are forced to make decisions about grown up stuff.

 

Please tell me what the heck a 7 year old knows about sex and relationships other than its annoying when your big brother/ sister nicks your action man/ barbie?

 

Please calm down. Your wife is going to be hell bent on getting you back for this. I know it hurts like hell but placing a neon sign on her head saying "my wife shags about" and running her through the streets is prehistoric. Thats what you have just effectively done.

 

Her having an affair isn't healthy to your marriage. It has sod all to do with your children and is not their fault. They are just the poor beggars now having to deal with the fall out.

 

If you want support, we are all happy to give it and happy to give advice but we can only try to help you through, we can not control your actions or those of anyone else. We can not help if you do not want to be helped.

 

Please calm down and no matter how angry you are do not take it out on your wife or children. If you need to shout scream or hit something use a punch bag and go away so you can be calm, rational and sensible around your family. I really can't blame you for doing what you have done but oh my... the consequences are not looking good...

[bamawsp]

The OM is single and has never been married nor does he have children. He is 47 years old. I am 41 and my is 35.

 

I decided to expose to his parents, sister and boss because those are the only people I could locate close to him and perhaps maybe have a conscience and step in(not the case).

 

As for my children, I do not want them to hate their mother. However, they need to know the truth instead of potentially blaming themselves. Your husband may have been cool with your infidelity and allowed you to dictate terms but in my specific instance, I'm looking for support from the people that she trusts to help her end this sham.

[bamawsp]

Actually purplesorrow, exposure on this level is the only thing that will save this marriage. Being complacent is giving up and I do not want a divorce.

 

I am shining a light on a fantasy. It's time for some realism to rear its head. The OM has no clue but he is getting a healthy dose of it now.

[lgspot]

Could you give a bit more detail?

With such a major bomb being dropped, there has to be more layers to your story.....

[PegNosePete]

So your wife had an affair, says the marriage is over and that she never loved you. And you want her back? Seriously?

 

Using your kids is just not on. Keep them out of it. Don't make them choose sides. They love their mother and their father and making your wife the bad guy will not help their future lives. In fact quite the opposite, trying to turn them against their own mother may cause them to resent you.

[Popsicle]

Your are being self righteous. I'm sure she hates you now.

 

Your marriage is over.

[minimariah]

She claims it(being the marriage) is over (and it very well might be) but I am willing to work it out which I why I exposed the affair to the people that matter. I'm actually interested in what the boss has to say.

 

sweetie, there is nothing to work on. move on & let go.

 

in the future - leave your kids out of that mess. no, they don't need to know the truth because it's really irrelevant to them. what does a child of 7 years understand about adultery? your marital problems and the relationship between you and your wife is none of their business. why burden them with something like that and make them feel like they need to pick a side? why did you let your daughter call the OM? unreasonable.

 

you didn't think this through at all. so calm down and make sure this divorce goes well for your children & you.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

now she wants a divorce after 13 years. I've exposed the divorce to her family, boss, our children and friends this evening(some after midnight so I haven't received a response). I've also exposed the divorce to his family which we will talk about in a moment.

 

Exposing the affair to our children (ages 12 10 and 7) sent her over the edge. She responded by saying she has never loved me and began blaming the affair on me. My oldest daughter actually left the OM a voicemail humanizing the effect. I also called her a whore and she went crazy saying "it's over" etc.

 

She claims it(being the marriage) is over (and it very well might be) but I am willing to work it out which I why I exposed the affair to the people that matter. I'm actually interested in what the boss has to say.

 

Anywho, all I can see is this guy's face and the destruction he has caused my family in conjunction with my wife. I'm prepared for any result, but I am looking for support.

 

First, welcome to the forums. Sorry it had to be because of what you're currently going through.

 

And second, as you can see from the second sentence I wrote, I empathize with you for how hurt and enraged you must be feeling right now. That being said, I feel that the way you exposed your wife's affair to your youngest children could have permanently damaged their sense of security and the way they'll look at sex and relationships in the future.

 

If your children were 12 years of age and OVER, then I could understand you sitting them down and saying something like, "I want to tell all of you something about your mother and I. We might be separating and may possibly be getting a divorce if we're unable to work things out between us. I'm telling you this because I want to prepare all of you in case that happens. Your mother has done something to me and to the marriage that has hurt me and has broken my heart. It's not important to tell you what she did just yet; I'll tell you about it when you're a little older. All you need to know now is that it was something that a person who loves their husband should NOT do while being married or in a relationship. I want you guys to know that your mother and I still love you all VERY much and that what she did and what might happen because of it has NOTHING whatever to do with any of you. I love you all so very much and we WILL all get through this, okay?"

 

As Toodaloo has stated, what you did by brandishing a scarlet letter on your wife's forehead was a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt and utter betrayal you felt (and are still feeling) when you found out. As far as you exposing her affair to her boss, what you did could possibly make her lose her job - and if that happens (even if that doesn't end up happening) - she's going to go after you for Alimony; and the judge will possibly grant her judgement.

 

As far as exposing her affair to her family, her friends and the OM's family; oh well. She should have that of her actions BEFORE she decided to have sex with another man while being MARRIED! I mean, seriously...WHY do people CHEAT *while* they're in a relationship or marriage?? If she claims to have "never" loved you and didn't want to be in the marriage, then WHY didn't she just MOVE OUT, filed for a legal separation or divorce and THEN go and sleep around??? Some people just want their cake and eat it too, and um, life doesn't happen that way!

 

.

[Popsicle]

The way you seem so domineering, I woykdnt be surprised if she's almost completely financially dependent on you and even though she hates you, she stays in the marriage for financial reasons. And you will be perfectly fine with that.

[violet1]

The OM is single and has never been married nor does he have children. He is 47 years old. I am 41 and my is 35.

 

I decided to expose to his parents, sister and boss because those are the only people I could locate close to him and perhaps maybe have a conscience and step in(not the case).

 

As for my children, I do not want them to hate their mother. However, they need to know the truth instead of potentially blaming themselves. Your husband may have been cool with your infidelity and allowed you to dictate terms but in my specific instance, I'm looking for support from the people that she trusts to help her end this sham.

My H was not "cool" with my infidelity and in no way did I dictate the terms of reconciliation. He chose to give me another chance. The decision to R was in his hands. Had he chose to expose it to the world I would not have agreed to HIS terms. I'm being honest here. Exposing an affair sometimes back fires. It's not necessarily the only way to save a marriage after infidelity.

 

 

Again, I'm very sorry for your pain. I wasn't trying to poke at you. Infidelity is not an easy thing to recover from. You need to do what feels right in your heart whether others agree or not. Are you planning on putting your children in therapy? That might help them process everything.

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm not a big fan of exposure like that. You said your daughter deserves to know her mom's a whore? I find that very offensive. I'm not trying to sound rude, but for me personally, if my husband had exposed my A like that, there's no way I would have been willing to agree to his terms of reconciliation.

 

When you cheat on your spouse, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, you are worse than a "whore"...you're a cheater. A whore is simply a sex worker

[DKT3]

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm not a big fan of exposure like that. You said your daughter deserves to know her mom's a whore? I find that very offensive. I'm not trying to sound rude, but for me personally, if my husband had exposed my A like that, there's no way I would have been willing to agree to his terms of reconciliation.

 

Never really understood this stance (well I do, but its not logical) after all him telling isn't the problem, the problem was you being with another man. He has to deal with the pain of that, why shouldn't you since it was your doing?

[bamawsp]

On November 2, 2014 by happenstance saw a text message from a random number that contained a link to a tumblr page consisting of gifs of hardcore anal porn. I asked her who sent it and she said it was the husband of one of her female co-workers. That didn't satisfy my curiosity so I looked up the number. It was the AP. Up until then, he was only the guy that gave her free weed. So I then check cell phone records and a whole new world opens up. Late night calls, etc. I confront her about it and she says its emotional but nothing more. I remained skeptical. On Christmas Day she gives me a new wedding ring. I still remain skeptical but the cell phone bills are clear. A week ago Monday, I decide to check her Facebook. By luck of the draw her Facebook password is the same as Netflix. I see 2 messages from OM stating 'I LOVE YOU!' and that he was hoping to chat before she went to sleep. I confronted her immediately and she seemed relieved that she was discovered but also claimed it still wasn't physical and that she wanted to work it out. She came home from work tonight with guns blazing wanting a divorce, defending the OM and I finally decided it's time to expose.

[BeholdtheMan]

On November 2, 2014 by happenstance saw a text message from a random number that contained a link to a tumblr page consisting of gifs of hardcore anal porn. I asked her who sent it and she said it was the husband of one of her female co-workers. That didn't satisfy my curiosity so I looked up the number. It was the AP. Up until then, he was only the guy that gave her free weed. So I then check cell phone records and a whole new world opens up. Late night calls, etc. I confront her about it and she says its emotional but nothing more. I remained skeptical. On Christmas Day she gives me a new wedding ring. I still remain skeptical but the cell phone bills are clear. A week ago Monday, I decide to check her Facebook. By luck of the draw her Facebook password is the same as Netflix. I see 2 messages from OM stating 'I LOVE YOU!' and that he was hoping to chat before she went to sleep. I confronted her immediately and she seemed relieved that she was discovered but also claimed it still wasn't physical and that she wanted to work it out. She came home from work tonight with guns blazing wanting a divorce, defending the OM and I finally decided it's time to expose.

 

Why is your goal R and not divorce?

[purplesorrow]

My WH told everyone! For me as a bs, all of that exposure was very difficult. It really was the reason i initially kicked him out. I couldn't see how so many people knowing would help. My feelings of embarrassment grew ten fold.