Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I know I did the right thing and there are studies that validate my exposure. No need to justify myself to any of you. Of course, I'm not the one who betrayed my family..... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 My WH told everyone! For me as a bs, all of that exposure was very difficult. It really was the reason i initially kicked him out. I couldn't see how so many people knowing would help. My feelings of embarrassment grew ten fold. OP obviously doesn't mind exposure. His wife didn't give two ****s about his feelings when she cheated. OP is well within his rights to expose as he deems appropriate 5 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 When you cheat on your spouse, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, you are worse than a "whore"...you're a cheater. A whore is simply a sex worker Maybe so...I do not believe a child needs to know that. It's not the name. It's the my daughter deserves to know her mom is a whore that bothers me. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I want R as opposed to divorce for a myriad of reasons. First of all, I love her. Second, it's the best thing for my kids. Finally, I will feel more shame being divorced than I would reconciling with my wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Actually purplesorrow, exposure on this level is the only thing that will save this marriage. Being complacent is giving up and I do not want a divorce. I am shining a light on a fantasy. It's time for some realism to rear its head. The OM has no clue but he is getting a healthy dose of it now. Unless your wife wants the same as you, it doesn't really matter. You can't shame nor force her into reconciling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 OP obviously doesn't mind exposure. His wife didn't give two ****s about his feelings when she cheated. OP is well within his rights to expose as he deems appropriate True, I was just expressing how it may make reconciling more difficult for both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I know I did the right thing and there are studies that validate my exposure. No need to justify myself to any of you. Of course, I'm not the one who betrayed my family..... Its not that we are condoning what she has done. Its that we know that all interactions with her, your children etc are critical at this point and will be remembered for many decades. They will have very long lasting ramifications. She can use all of this against you. Be very very careful. If you have your studies etc then don't bother with us. Affairs are not good for marriage Broken homes where parents argue and are bitter are not good for children. But telling your kids that Mamma is a whore is really not great. Broken homes where the parents are able to speak to each other and support each other with the raising of their children and continue to support their children are FAR preferable to the alternative. It sucks. What she has done is callous, uncaring, undignified and just downright nasty. However you do not need to be the person playing "tit for tat" games here. If you continue to "attack" her like this you and your children are going to have some very serious problems in the future and it will go on for years and it will be a living hell. Not an environment I am sure you wish your children to be brought up in. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I totally get what you are saying. However, I had to so in order to expedite termination of the affair. If she doesn't want to then I know it's time to go. I'm fighting for my family until there is no hope. When and if that day approaches I'll do what I have to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I know I did the right thing and there are studies that validate my exposure. No need to justify myself to any of you. Of course, I'm not the one who betrayed my family..... Bama, did you read my initial response to you? I absolutely do NOT give infidelity "a pass". What she did to you was morally reprehensible, heartbreaking (to YOU) and SELFISH!!!! As I've stated in my last post, she should have THOUGHT of the extreme DAMAGE that her ACTIONS would cause BEFORE she allowed another man's penis inside of her vagina. Not only that...even before she allowed THAT to happen, there was probably an emotional affair that preceded her sexual affair. So...who knows how long she was developing feelings and sexual attraction for this other guy WHILE being MARRIED to YOU. She took the SELFISH and COWARD'S way out of this marriage. Karma does NOT discriminate against anyone. Before this entire process of her learning experience is completed, she WILL reap the repercussions of what she has sown, so you can be reassured about that OP. Hopefully, you weren't verbally/emotionally or physically abusive towards your wife during the marriage - because if you were, her actions could partially justify what she has done. If you weren't, and you treated her well and with love and respect, then....she's just a poor excuse for a human being and she has a SEVERE character disturbance. My question to you is: after everything she has done and the utter betrayal she has caused to you, the irreparable emotional and spiritual damage she has done to her children and to the marriage - WHY would you consider "working things out"?????????????????? . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 This isn't a tit for tat game. I exposed the affair in hopes of expediting her termination of the affair. No other way was working. If this doesn't work then it's over, but I am going to fight for my family until it is futile. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Don't be like Sam from the movie "Casino". If your W wants out let her out. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I agree with some of the above posts---outing the affair to the children and to her boss was uncalled for. But...what's done is done. My advice is try to proceed with as little contact as possible. The two of you are going to need to get away from each other. Keep the contact you have with her unemotional and efficient. Yes, I would expect some sort of retaliation on her part. I'm betting she has already contacted a lawyer. BetrayedH, a member of LS, has a very good understanding of the steps necessary when dealing with divorce and a wayward spouse. Although, he may find your position too complicated after the scorched earth tactic you just employed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 All she has to do is leave. I've asked her to leave on numerous occasions but she won't. Therefore, I'm going to do everything in my power to fight for my family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It would be in your best interest to start gathering some kind of evidence of her affair. Peaceably, that is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Okay well, fighting for your family means making strategic decisions which might conflict when the choices are reasonable vs. emotional, short term or long term. My WW also had a long term EA/PA with a co-worker and continues to work in the same environment through which they developed their fantasy, so Ill have some things about all this. DDAY is usually enough to terminate an affair. Usually. Followed by some serious behavioural changes on the part of the WW of course. When the AP is a single man who has previously had ZERO problem being in a relationship with another man's wife and all that entails, you almost have to forget about him. Exposure is not the same if he were a WH for someone else. My wife's AP is, for all intents and purposes, waiting our marriage out still. So there is nothing I can do, and no amount of exposure is going to change that. Only your WW can expedite termination of the affair. I think what people are trying to say is your approach, while it has the advantage in the short term of wide damaging exposure, might in the same short term, make reconciliation very difficult. And I tend to agree. But you have played your hand. Now what? I think you need to re-establish something clear with your 10 year old. My daughter is also 10, but I am never going to call her mother a whore, and definitely not to my daughter's face. In fact, in our first MC session after DDAY the therapist tried to call her a "whore" and get me to respond to his provocation. I quietly told him I did not consider her to be a "whore", just a c-nt, for doing what she did. As to whether a "whore" is worse than a "cheat" well, in the eyes of a 10 year old, and in the large majority of people let's face it. It's worse to call a spouse a "whore", only BS's know that what is worse than being a "whore" is having a WW. OP I think you need to seriously assess damages done in this exposure if you really mean it to say you are fighting for your family. There is no question that your reaction has merit, but it seems to me you have made the path to your goal all that much harder to get to, when a little less exposure, but in the places where you needed it, would have perhaps been enough. When I had my DDAY, I told only a few very close friends. She ended it with AP and told her "confident" what had happened. Eight months later we had a rupture in the process in which some members of her family were made aware that there had been an infidelity and we were working on it. Their reaction to his news culminated in my going NC with her entire family. That was over a year ago. What I asked her to do, because of what I sensed was some "narcissistic hovering" on both parts was to ask her to inform three close colleagues about why she was keeping her AP away from sitting at lunches and having coffees. They didn't understand her angry reaction at his advances to try to reestablish contact with him. Telling them gave me the added eyes on the issue, and helped to establish a safety circle around her to prevent him from continuing. When he learned they knew all about it, he backed entirely away and hasn't been heard from since. But this was done very discreetly. I think you need to find some measure of discretion at this point in your family, because if your WW does not feel safe in your concept of family, she will reasonable see no motivation for meeting you half way. I totally get what you are saying. However, I had to so in order to expedite termination of the affair. If she doesn't want to then I know it's time to go. I'm fighting for my family until there is no hope. When and if that day approaches I'll do what I have to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I totally get what you are saying. However, I had to so in order to expedite termination of the affair. If she doesn't want to then I know it's time to go. I'm fighting for my family until there is no hope. When and if that day approaches I'll do what I have to do. Totally understand. I hope you find your peace. Take care of yourself and your kids. You have some tough times ahead. You will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I agree. That is why I am surprised that after she had an affair, cheated on you, told you that she has never loved you and said the marriage is over - that you still want her back. You are the one who is giving her a free pass. Anyone cheats on me, they are out the door so fast they'll have to call back next week to pick up their shadow. Dude you can "fight for your family" as much as you like but if your wife does not want it then it's all futile. It takes 2 to fix a marriage. If your wife doesn't want to fix it then it's already a lost cause, no matter how hard you "fight". (What does that even mean?) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FancyFace Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 bamawsp: you are not fighting for your family by your actions, you are tearing it apart. And honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself for using your children as pawns to try and get whatever fantastical outcome you had dreamed of. Your children are exactly that, children, you should be looking to protect them from all hurt whether it is caused by outsiders or the ones closest to them and right now, sorry to say you are failing in that by exposing them to this nonsense. Right now your actions are causing irreprable damage to your children and your marriage. You married your wife, and your children are a by product of the union, you should not be involving them in the marriage issues. Honestly you need to calm down and get yourself together because as much as what she did is terrible, horrible, you are no better than she is and you are sitting right there in the same boat if you continue with your terrible horrible actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Farid Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. It's sad indeed. What has the world come to?! If there is any justice in the world, this women should never see her children again! Edited February 24, 2015 by Farid Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Never really understood this stance (well I do, but its not logical) after all him telling isn't the problem, the problem was you being with another man. He has to deal with the pain of that, why shouldn't you since it was your doing? You are correct. Him telling is not the problem. However, in my experience, too many opinions involved is not always a good thing. You know my stance on telling children. I do not agree with it. What's not logical about not wanting to involve all the family and friends in your personal relationship problems? I'm confused by your last question. How would exposing make a WS deal with the pain? I understand exposing to the other BS to kill the A, but that's it. I'll share past history of exposure. My H cheated on me many many years ago when we were living together and long before marriage. I told EVERYONE (except for my H's kids who were very young at the time) about it. The exposure back fired on me pretty damn fast. My family was not supportive of me giving him a 2nd chance. In fact, my family told me that if I took him back I wasn't allowed to bring him to any family functions. His family justified his behavior with "you two aren't married yet so its not that big of a deal." Since I chose to involve so many people I got a lot of opinions that I didn't necessarily need to hear. I also felt quite confused and embarrassed about it. He also moved out while I was at work because of me exposing. It was a bad situation and it took months of complete NC before we worked it out. To this day, exposing him is a decision I regret. On my D Day, I didn't tell my H who he could or couldn't tell. HE chose to only tell two people. I may have made f*cked up choices, but it takes two to reconcile. The BS gets to decide if R is an option and the WS gets to decide if they want to accept the terms of R. I know myself and our families well. So does my H. Our marriage was in a horrible state at that time. I'm not rewriting history. That's the honest to God truth. Our marriage would not have survived if he had exposed. Our relationship barely survived the first time around when I exposed his wrong doings all those years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I get the anger, I get the frustration, I get the hate, I get the desire to punish. But what I do not get is for a father to make his daughter have to go through this very public embarrassment. This may make it very difficult for her at school, she is now "the daughter of a whore"; the bullies will have a field day. Her self esteem will be in bits, as her mother will be in a mess, your wife will either be a sobbing heap on the floor or an angry, bitter women out for revenge, neither is good parent material. Her father may be seen first as the betrayed party, but in some circles he will be seen as some weak man who couldn't keep his wife in check and who is so bitter and twisted he caused mayhem; laughing stock comes to mind. - Will that be good for your daughter to hear? In the middle of all this trauma, is some poor 10 year old who will have her life in tatters and because she is now seen as half "whore", will I guess have some issues to contend with in the future. I do not condone your wife's cheating and yes, I would agree with divorce or reconciliation whatever is decided. But this bomb, which I am sure gives you great pleasure at this moment in time, has actually just blown up in your daughter's face and that I cannot agree with. The long term consequences for your daughter could be horrendous, and this is all your doing. Your wife had an affair, that IMO should have been dealt with by you, in a more dignified and adult fashion, one which would have taken into consideration your daughter and her happiness going forward. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad indeed. What has the world come to?! If there is any justice in the world, this women should never see her children again!Whoa...Farid, should we lop her hands off, too? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Just read three children informed, 7, 10 and 12. Oh dear... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Whoa...Farid, should we lop her hands off, too? LOL good response, Syc. Farid...what this woman did to her husband, her children and their marriage is absolutely horrible, hurtful, hateful and selfish. BUT...she shouldn't be barred from ever seeing her children again! I mean geez, she didn't murder anyone! What she did was soooo very wrong, yes. But, she'll reap what she has sown and will suffer the consequences of her actions by seeing how much suffering her children will go through because of what SHE has done. The guilt she'll feel from this point on will HAUNT her for the rest of her life. . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 OP, I think you need to begin making decisions that are always prefaced with "is this what is best for the children?" They are the real victims of this. The more you indulge your anger, the more your selfishness accumulates. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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