beatcuff Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Just read three children informed, 7, 10 and 12. Oh dear... i agree --- i find posters ignoring this, how.... i'm am speechless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 All she has to do is leave. I've asked to leave on numerous occasions but she won't. Therefore, I'm going to do everything in my power to fight for my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If I am reading this right your wife is still denying a PA and still lying to you. At this point you probably do not know 25% of the truth. Her protecting OM and coming home wanting a divorce should tell you volumes about where her head is at. Do not believe anything she tells you right now and get to an attorney asap. Not sure why a 47 year old man is still living with his parents but outing them at work was the right thing to do. Workplace affairs are hard to stop when they are not exposed or someone does not quit the job . It seems like your wife is more concerned with her self than what she has done and could care less about the family. And she allowed her phone to be where your kids could see what she was doing . I see no remorse here at all, just regret at being caught. With all due respect , varied opinions are good but I'd be careful to take action based on what you need to get through this than concern for your wife's frelings. With her attitude you are not going to nice her back if she comes back at all . See an attorney, and get the truth . You do not have it now. And I'd also ask yourself why if you knew about it it was ok for her to be scoring weed from a singlle 47 year old man she worked with. What were you thinking ??? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 And what exactly are you going to do to "fight" for your family? She is under no legal obligation to leave. It is her home as much as it is yours. She has a right to stay there. In fact if she has taken legal advice, then no doubt the first thing she was told is do NOT leave the marital house, it will disadvantage you later on. Does that mean she wants to fix the marriage? No, it means she is thinking with her brain, not her heart. No doubt the financial situation is suiting her just fine right now. She has no interest in changing the status quo, so she will do all she can to maintain it. If you're not happy with it then you'll have to take action yourself rather than relying on her taking action. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I respect your opinion but having an affair isn't healthy to children either. They deserve the truth. It will all work out for the best whatever that may be. That was not an opinion to respect. It was an attack at you by a person that has no understanding on how to fight an affair. Do not waver. The more a WW gets angry only shows how effective the exposure is. Get the rest of the exposure done today. Do not argue why you exposed with your WW. Say I will only talk about saving the marriage not divorce then change the subject. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I can assure you I received no satisfaction whatsoever from exposing my wife's affair. None. However, she has been living in a fantasy land at the expense of my children. They deserve the truth. Of course, no one is expounding on the 10 year old reading incriminating text messages between the two and the mass confusion they caused. Exposing the affair actually made sense of it all for her. I'm prepared for a divorce but I can assure you what I did in surgically exposing was definitely the right thing to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 They are giving infidelity a pass. That is because doe of those giving it a pass cheated themselves and got away with it . It amazes me how someone who has not been betrayed can minimize the effect. Give her a divorce and see how happy she is. What she wants you to do is suck it up and rugs weep it so she can resume her affair when it cools off. With what she has said why on earth do you want to reconcile anyway.???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 All she has to do is leave. I've asked to leave on numerous occasions but she won't. Therefore, I'm going to do everything in my power to fight for my family. Have you really thought about this, how are you going to cope with 3 most likely grieving, upset, angry young kids on your own, without your wife? Can you even arrange your work around them? Family and friends may help you out short term but long term, I doubt it I also very much doubt she would go without her kids though, if you push this, are you prepared for her to up sticks and leave the home, taking your kids with her. After the way you handled this I doubt she will be in any mood for negotiating access, this will be a court battle. Would it not be better to calm down and try to work something out for the sake of your children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If your children were 12 years of age and OVER, then I could understand you sitting them down and saying something like, "I want to tell all of you something about your mother and I. We might be separating and may possibly be getting a divorce if we're unable to work things out between us. I'm telling you this because I want to prepare all of you in case that happens. Your mother has done something to me and to the marriage that has hurt me and has broken my heart. . Children young as 4 can comprehend the truth. What you are telling this BH to do is to lie to his children. All this does is teach them the wrong way to handle life. Things get hard and you lie. If their mom's actions are good then their mom should not be able to get mad at the kids knowing she is cheating. A WW blowing up is proof that she knows her affair is wrong. A 4 year old child only needs to know that when moms/dads are married they do not have BF/GF and go on dates with them. Well mom has a BF, his name is ______ and they are going out on dates. When telling the kids about 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I know I did the right thing and there are studies that validate my exposure. No need to justify myself to any of you. Of course, I'm not the one who betrayed my family..... You are right. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 bama, what reaction did you get from the OMW when you told her about the affair? Does WW work for a small business or large business with CEO's, Human Resources Dept? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 OM is single. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You are correct. Him telling is not the problem. However, in my experience, too many opinions involved is not always a good thing. You know my stance on telling children. I do not agree with it. What's not logical about not wanting to involve all the family and friends in your personal relationship problems? I'm confused by your last question. How would exposing make a WS deal with the pain? I understand exposing to the other BS to kill the A, but that's it. I'll share past history of exposure. My H cheated on me many many years ago when we were living together and long before marriage. I told EVERYONE (except for my H's kids who were very young at the time) about it. The exposure back fired on me pretty damn fast. My family was not supportive of me giving him a 2nd chance. In fact, my family told me that if I took him back I wasn't allowed to bring him to any family functions. His family justified his behavior with "you two aren't married yet so its not that big of a deal." Since I chose to involve so many people I got a lot of opinions that I didn't necessarily need to hear. I also felt quite confused and embarrassed about it. He also moved out while I was at work because of me exposing. It was a bad situation and it took months of complete NC before we worked it out. To this day, exposing him is a decision I regret. On my D Day, I didn't tell my H who he could or couldn't tell. HE chose to only tell two people. I may have made f*cked up choices, but it takes two to reconcile. The BS gets to decide if R is an option and the WS gets to decide if they want to accept the terms of R. I know myself and our families well. So does my H. Our marriage was in a horrible state at that time. I'm not rewriting history. That's the honest to God truth. Our marriage would not have survived if he had exposed. Our relationship barely survived the first time around when I exposed his wrong doings all those years ago. I only told my mother, and would have never told our kids. That was my decision. Lovin started telling everyone because she said they were running me down and blaming me for the divorce that was her decision. I guess my point is, having them (BS) tell is their choice, its part of what the (WS) gets for what they did. You did it face it and own it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I know I did the right thing and there are studies that validate my exposure. No need to justify myself to any of you. Of course, I'm not the one who betrayed my family..... No one here is giving infidelity a pass. If right is so on your side, then why is this thread even here? And link those studies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I only told my mother, and would have never told our kids. That was my decision. Lovin started telling everyone because she said they were running me down and blaming me for the divorce that was her decision. I guess my point is, having them (BS) tell is their choice, its part of what the (WS) gets for what they did. You did it face it and own it. I agree that exposing is the BS's right. It's also the WS right to choose not to reconcile because of it. Exposing kills the affair, but it's not necessarily a positive thing if reconciliation is what the BS wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 No one here is giving infidelity a pass. If right is so on your side, then why is this thread even here? And link those studies. Just google Dr. Harley. IMO, a total quack. Dr. Harley preaches that the only way to survive infidelity is to expose, expose, expose! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I want R as opposed to divorce for a myriad of reasons. First of all, I love her. Second, it's the best thing for my kids. Finally, I will feel more shame being divorced than I would reconciling with my wife. If you don't mind me asking, why would you feel shame in divorcing?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Exposure won't keep her away from OM forever though. Who knows, perhaps in her hate your wife will rush to OM and beg him to take her and the kids in (which he won't of course, he didn't enter an affair with a married woman for drama in his life, he just wanted easy sex). She will never lift a finger for divorce because it's easier to just stick her head in the sand and wait it out. It's gonna be you who has to do that move, but first wait a week to see how she behaves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I will take a slightly different view from some posters on a few items. There are gentler ways to discuss the subject with younger children. However kids (even 7 year olds) are not unaware or stupid. They would sooner or later know mommy has another man, so I see nothing wrong with explaining this - in a simplistic and basic way. Also I would have told them because I would have a fear of this OM being allowed to hang out with my kids unknown to me, and would seek to forearm them with this understanding of who OM was. I would not need my STBXW telling them he is a friend and lets all go to mini-golf. Telling her boss, if the OM was a supervisor or subordinate of hers MIGHT be valid if it is considered a violation of company policy. I will agree with the others on the following You should not want her back, and I think both of you have done the damage now. However, I understand your anger your hurt and the emotional reaction of finding out about a affair can really cause a BS to react strongly. Hard for me to blame you - plenty of us have done things after an affair or betrayal we are not proud off - from threatening AP's, to destroying home furnishings, to verbal outburst. Your human. I am sorry for all this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 The kids already know something is wrong from reading mom's phone and talking to each other. Kids are not as clueless as adults want to believe they are. They knew too much at this point to not have the parents say something. Especially when there is going to be angry hostile parents in the home and one may be moving out. The children needed to be told something. Preferably by both parents but if the WS wanted to keep it failing secret, no, the BS had to tell. Telling a child that their mother is a whore though, no, that goes to far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I agree No Limit. I've covered all my bases. I'm prepared for anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I agree No Limit. I've covered all my bases. I'm prepared for anything. Please be sure that you have and keep a cool head because you are in for a bumpy road. Please be very careful how you deal with this as a good lawyer would rip you to shreds and leave you with nothing. Now that would be even more unfair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I have no qualms with children and especially children who suspect being told, in a sensitive and calm manner, but calling their mother a whore and allowing a child to speak to the OM... This bomb going off isn't just the children themselves being told, it is about friends, work colleagues, grand parents, aunts, uncles and cousins, friends of friends, people in the street, children of friends, kids at school all knowing and that for a child will be mortifying, embarrassing and will be damaging. Not only is their family falling apart but their mother who they love will be seen as a demon harlot by some, and that love/hate conflict is going to be hugely unsettling for them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 This isn't a tit for tat game. I exposed the affair in hopes of expediting her termination of the affair. No other way was working. If this doesn't work then it's over, but I am going to fight for my family until it is futile. So why did you expose a divorce to everyone and not it as an affair? Exposing divorce as fact when you are open to staying married is deceiving, no? No matter what, your kids want to know they are loved and safe. I hope you are allowing them to know they have that in their future should you divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's sad to see folks give marriage infidelity a pass. I know I did the right thing and there are studies that validate my exposure. No need to justify myself to any of you. Of course, I'm not the one who betrayed my family..... For the record, I agree with informing children over the age of 6 or 7 of the truth in a calm and age-appropriate manner (as do the people at the other site I am sure you have visited). You actually did it the right way, choosing the people who matter and not taking out an ad or putting it all over Facebook. Her affair was a choice, and it was wrong. That said, if you use vitriol to complete turn her children against her, then recovery is not gonna happen....for any of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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