Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[SycamoreCircle]

Yeah, dude, If you read the first post in his other thread, she already told him that she doesn't feel "safe" there. Yet, she won't leave. Him leaving is all she needs to file an RO on him and he loses the house.

Does he have any alternative to spending the night in the same place with her?

[elaine567]

Yeah, dude, If you read the first post in his other thread, she already told him that she doesn't feel "safe" there. Yet, she won't leave. Him leaving is all she needs to file an RO on him and he loses the house.

 

She is also defending the AP and calling me childish for exposing the affair to his family. She even went on to say they are scared for their safety even though I didn't threaten them in the least I just laid out what was happening with their son

 

I would guess if the APs parents feel threatened by the OP or are scared for their son, then a RO is probably on its way.

[elaine567]

Yeah, dude, If you read the first post in his other thread, she already told him that she doesn't feel "safe" there. Yet, she won't leave. Him leaving is all she needs to file an RO on him and he loses the house.

According to that post, she didn't say she felt unsafe, the APs parents felt unsafe after talking to the OP.

[Hope Shimmers]

I cannot believe you would do that to your children (7 years old!?!). You can say you got no satisfaction out of it, but you did it out of spite because you wanted to blow your WW's world apart. Even at the expense of your children.

 

There is no excuse in my book for contacting the OM's PARENTS (are you kidding?) and her boss and literally everyone you can think of, just in the name of destruction and revenge. You say it is to "get it out in the open so you can get your family back". But you just blew your family apart, probably for good. Your WW is never going to reconcile with you after that behavior.

 

If you wanted to tell your children at some point, you should have waited until your emotions died down and then told them calmly and quietly, leaving the histrionics and insults out of it. You caused them damage that will likely never be repaired by throwing children in the middle of complicated adult situations and turning them against their mother!

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you handled it all wrong in my opinion.

[Chi townD]

Nah, it's the WW saying that she's "scared for their safety" meaning her and the kids. Thinking that he's probably lost his mind for exposing. Yet, she refuses to leave the home (so much for being scared). If the OP leaves his home for a few days, that's all the time she would need to get an RO out on him and state that he's already abandoned the family home. He needs to stay put.

 

 

And other thing OP, you need to start carrying a voice activated recorder (VAR) at all times. It wouldn't surprise me if she tries to goat you into an argument and that's all she would need to call the cops to get you removed. The VAR is for your protection. You can pick one up pretty cheap at any electronics store.

[elaine567]

Nah, it's the WW saying that she's "scared for their safety" meaning her and the kids.

 

read it

 

"She even went on to say they are scared for their safety even though I didn't threaten them in the least I just laid out what was happening with their son

"

[sandylee1]

As for support, I have my father who lives an hour and a half away. Other than that its slim pickens because her friends are my friends and vice versa.

 

I spoke to one of her friends today and she honestly had no clue about the affair. None. This person bathes herself in honesty as well almost to fault.

 

The only people that knew about the affair were my wife, her AP, myself and my parents. That all changed by this morning.

 

I have spoken to attorney already and know what the gameplan is. I am not filing for divorce. However, I will administer a blistering and visceral defense in the event she does.

 

It's all very real and it is killing me. I can't sleep or eat. My chest hurts and its hard to breathe from the heartache. Nothing in this world matters more to me than my family. To see it destroyed makes me feel worth living. I honestly don't know if I can go on without them.

 

Please try and take care of yourself. If you can get a few days of work, please do so. Your children need you more than ever now. I know it's so hard to be the rock, when you are hurting so badly yourself.

 

You won't feel like it, but you need to eat, keep hydrated and rest.

 

You know your wife probably only said she didn't love you /never loved you to hurt you. That's a common line with unfaithful spouses to try and justify their actions.

[autumnnight]

This all JUST happened. Nobody takes advice asap, they need to digest it for a while before it sinks in. Give him time.

 

It depends on where you post. I know of some places that will rapid fire demands for updates and obedience several times an hour. Thankfully on LS there isn't such....um.....devotion to a cause.

 

OP, every WS becomes livid when an A is exposed. And it probably wouldn't have mattered one way or another to your wife if you had said it nicely or not. The point is now people KNOW about the shameful thing she has been doing. And part of the deal is that the shame and not being able to hide from it is supposed to get her to look in the mirror.

 

I would like to know if you actually used to word whore when talking to elementary school aged children, but that ship has sailed. I mean, I know of BS's who carried guns around after finding out about an affair.

 

So, let's say having to face the truth DOES do its job and she becomes broken, remorseful, and wants to reconcile. What do you WANT your children to think of their mother 2,5,1- years down the line. What kind of marriage would you want? Do you want this to be the permanent defining moment? Because the approach you use in implementing "THE PLAN" will have a huge impact on that.

[Chi townD]

I cannot believe you would do that to your children (7 years old!?!). You can say you got no satisfaction out of it, but you did it out of spite because you wanted to blow your WW's world apart. Even at the expense of your children.

 

There is no excuse in my book for contacting the OM's PARENTS (are you kidding?) and her boss and literally everyone you can think of, just in the name of destruction and revenge. You say it is to "get it out in the open so you can get your family back". But you just blew your family apart, probably for good. Your WW is never going to reconcile with you after that behavior.

 

If you wanted to tell your children at some point, you should have waited until your emotions died down and then told them calmly and quietly, leaving the histrionics and insults out of it. You caused them damage that will likely never be repaired by throwing children in the middle of complicated adult situations and turning them against their mother!

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you handled it all wrong in my opinion.

 

 

 

If you read anything on trying to save a marriage due to infidelity, you will find that exposure is vital and it needs to happen. I will agree with you that the kids shouldn't have been told. But, the thing is, kids aren't stupid, hell, the 10 y/o already knew! And kids don't have very good filters, sooner or later the 10 y/o would have told the 7 y/o. But, what's done is done, you can't undo it.

 

 

Exposing the OM to his parents. Why not? You don't think that his mother needs to know that her son is sleeping with a married woman and breaking up a family? Do you think that she may think that she didn't raise him to act like that? You don't think that se isn't going to express her displeasure of the situation?

 

 

Exposing to her boss. Why not? A lot of corporations have morality clauses in their employment handbooks. If he' her superior, that's a big no-no! At the vey least, they would need to separate the two in different departments or fire one of them if not both of them to stop a possible lawsuit.

 

 

A lot of times, exposure has a VERY destructive ending. It usually ends the affair. Usually the OM/OW with throw the other under the bus. It snaps them out of their affair fog, and they start to realize what they're going to lose. Their family, their homes, their marriages and their kids. She may realize, that because of her affair, she'll be a part time mom. Meaning that she'll only get her kids for half of their childhood because the OP has rights as a father as well. A lot of family courts want to see a 50/50 custody of the kids.

 

 

If he's trying to save his marriage and his family. Then, he didn't do a bad thing. IF he was going for a divorce, then it could be viewed as bad and I wouldn't be posting.

[Hope Shimmers]

If you read anything on trying to save a marriage due to infidelity, you will find that exposure is vital and it needs to happen. I will agree with you that the kids shouldn't have been told. But, the thing is, kids aren't stupid, hell, the 10 y/o already knew! And kids don't have very good filters, sooner or later the 10 y/o would have told the 7 y/o. But, what's done is done, you can't undo it.

 

I wouldn't (and didn't) expose A to children. My husband had an A prior to our divorce, although by then I didn't care. Still, I wasn't about to fling mud about my H to their dad. What they might have come up with on their own is one thing - it didn't need any help from parents by directly involving them. What would the insinuation of that be? That they should take sides. That they should think their mother is a "whore". What other point would there be to telling them?

 

Exposing the OM to his parents. Why not? You don't think that his mother needs to know that her son is sleeping with a married woman and breaking up a family?

 

Ummm. No. He's an adult. What is his mother supposed to do? Ground him? Give him a time-out?

 

This is an adult situation and should have been kept private. Telling everyone within shouting distance is juvenile in my opinion. Telling the OM's W, if there was one, would have been different. It's just my opinion; you're welcome to yours of course.

 

Exposing to her boss. Why not? A lot of corporations have morality clauses in their employment handbooks. If he' her superior, that's a big no-no! At the vey least, they would need to separate the two in different departments or fire one of them if not both of them to stop a possible lawsuit.

 

If OM is a coworker and it's directly against company policy, then I can see that point. (I didn't read that part). But still, I don't see how it's going to help BS in the long run. I think it was just an emotional reaction.

 

A lot of times, exposure has a VERY destructive ending. It usually ends the affair. Usually the OM/OW with throw the other under the bus. It snaps them out of their affair fog, and they start to realize what they're going to lose. Their family, their homes, their marriages and their kids. She may realize, that because of her affair, she'll be a part time mom. Meaning that she'll only get her kids for half of their childhood because the OP has rights as a father as well. A lot of family courts want to see a 50/50 custody of the kids.

 

 

If he's trying to save his marriage and his family. Then, he didn't do a bad thing. IF he was going for a divorce, then it could be viewed as bad and I wouldn't be posting.

 

I disagree. I don't think he helped himself or the future of his family at all with that emotional lashing-out. There are other, better ways to get the WW out of her "fog". Just my opinion, though.

[elaine567]

Exposing the OM to his parents. Why not? You don't think that his mother needs to know that her son is sleeping with a married woman and breaking up a family? Do you think that she may think that she didn't raise him to act like that? You don't think that she isn't going to express her displeasure of the situation?

 

The OM is 47, is parents will be heading for 70 if not there already - no wonder they are scared of some angry 41 year old BS.

I am not sure if terrorising the elderly is at all helpful here.

[Clay]

I cannot believe you would do that to your children (7 years old!?!). You can say you got no satisfaction out of it, but you did it out of spite because you wanted to blow your WW's world apart. Even at the expense of your children.

 

I think there is really not enough information to really support if this was all that damaging to the child. I would also question do you think its really safe to bring another man around the kids knowing full well things could get physically violent if she were caught. His wife is what put the kids in harms way there is no doubt everyone will always question what is the best way to talk to the kids and the best time. Each situation is different and I am just not all that quick to judge. I was in this position my daughter was 7 as well. Sure she was told but the serious damage was already done when her mom went to live with the OM after being thrown out.

 

There is no excuse in my book for contacting the OM's PARENTS (are you kidding?) and her boss and literally everyone you can think of, just in the name of destruction and revenge. You say it is to "get it out in the open so you can get your family back". But you just blew your family apart, probably for good. Your WW is never going to reconcile with you after that behavior.

 

I think this is one of those things I really have a hard time with. People are quick to judge the BS when he or she is not the one that brought this into there lives. The cheater is the one and what ever they get out of it is probably what they deserve. You can all speculate on if it was the right way or not but think about how might deal with it if you were in his shoes. Another thing to think about how you would deal with defending yourself when your heart is broken.

 

I personally think he should just leave but if he wants to try to fix then maybe this might be the best way to do it. I have followed many stories on Dr. Harleys site and there method is extreme but it does seem to work in alot of cases.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you handled it all wrong in my opinion.

 

I think the last thing I would say about this is everyone has a opinion but you never know how you will really deal with a situation until your faced with it. I think what he needs now is help on how to move forward.

 

Clay

[Chi townD]

The OM is 47, is parents will be heading for 70 if not there already - no wonder they are scared of some angry 41 year old BS.

I am not sure if terrorising the elderly is at all helpful here.

 

 

He said he didn't "terrorize" this couple. Are you saying you don't believe the OP? He said he informed them of what his son is doing to his family. They were blindsided with their son's behavior and I suppose they were in shock. Who expects that kind of phonecall in the middle of the night? So, possible knee jerk reaction from them?

 

 

If OP was calling them over and over and over...then I would agree,

[No Limit]

The OM is 47, is parents will be heading for 70 if not there already - no wonder they are scared of some angry 41 year old BS.

I am not sure if terrorising the elderly is at all helpful here.

 

It's pointless because ultimately they don't care, their little boy is a grown man closer to his 50th year than 40th, who also probably doesn't want anything to do with OPs wife anymore.

 

Yes, there's been a storm unleashed. Frankly I think it's only natural OP is angry, it's been said a hundred and more times in this forum that the moment a wayward gets caught, he or she has no control anymore - which obviously resulted in this cases' WW to throw a tantrum.

 

And considering that WWs messages were shared/read by one of the kids already it's her exposing the affair to them. As some of you have already written; no, the kids have no idea what infidelity means (except the eldest maybe). But they know something's going very wrong right now and that their mother is the culprit; the children's only concern now is what future their family has, if it even has a future. And blaming only OP for this situation is just plain wrong.

 

There's certainly more oil in the fire now but that too will cease in the next few days. The only thing OP should try to avoid is starting fights with WW when the kids are nearby. But for now, all you can do is wait.

[bamawsp]

I just left my MC session. I shared exactly how the discovery of the affair happened, the exposure of the affair to the children. My therapist didn't judge.

 

Wife had a session earlier in the day.

 

Two key takeaways:

 

1. Wife set up a joint session for next week.

 

2. Therapist said I need to set up an in house truce and commit to it.

 

I called the wife and told her I am done fighting in the house in front of the children and will commit to only airing grievances in our safe spot with the therapist. Her response, "Yes, because this is disgusting"

 

I then said "we've gotten in the muck and we're going to climb out of it together"

 

She said, "we'll see about that".........

[autumnnight]

I get that she is angry, but that last remark would have cut me to the bone

 

I hope she comes to her senses.

[Chi townD]

I just left my MC session. I shared exactly how the discovery of the affair happened, the exposure of the affair to the children. My therapist didn't judge.

 

Wife had a session earlier in the day.

 

Two key takeaways:

 

1. Wife set up a joint session for next week.

 

2. Therapist said I need to set up an in house truce and commit to it.

 

I called the wife and told her I am done fighting in the house in front of the children and will commit to only airing grievances in our safe spot with the therapist. Her response, "Yes, because this is disgusting"

 

I then said "we've gotten in the muck and we're going to climb out of it together"

 

She said, "we'll see about that".........

 

 

I wouldn't say that she's coming out of the fog with that statement, but she's probably thinking about the state of things right now.

[oldshirt]

sometime es you have to swat a spider to get it out of your house and to keep it from biting somebody.

 

 

You burned the house down with a flamethrower in hopes of hurting the spider and making sure it didn't have any place to come back to.

 

 

You did this out of spite to hurt and humiliate your wife and inflict pain upon her.

 

 

Disclosure to specific key people under certain circumstances can be a necessary part of trying to clear the fog of an affair to create an environment for which a reconciliation may be able to take place.

 

 

You responded in a way disproportionate manner just to hurt and humiliate people and now you are trying to justify it by saying you want to reconcile.

 

 

This is like pouring a can of gasoline over someone and throwing in a match and then going to their house and burning it down and leaving their family homeless and then claiming self defense because they double parked you in a parking lot.

 

 

You were reckless, out of proportion, mean-spirited and did this out of vengeance to hurt and humiliate people and to exert aggression and intimidation over them.

 

 

The way you discuss this and the way you justify your actions makes it sound like you are probably abusive and cruel and aggressive in your other interactions with her all along.

 

 

IMHO she is justified in leaving you on the grounds of mental cruelty and possibly even abuse. If she were the one on these boards many of us would recommend she seek shelter while obtaining legal counsel and obtaining a restraining order/no contact order.

[Chi townD]

 

Ummm. No. He's an adult. What is his mother supposed to do? Ground him? Give him a time-out?

 

This is an adult situation and should have been kept private. Telling everyone within shouting distance is juvenile in my opinion. Telling the OM's W, if there was one, would have been different. It's just my opinion; you're welcome to yours of course.

 

 

 

Okay, so what! He's an adult!

 

 

But, it won't matter to his folks because he can be 47 or 17, he's still their son! The same son that they gave birth to, the same son that they raised from a boy into a man. Teaching him good from bad and right from wrong. Trying to set him up with a set of morals that will help him be a good man in life.

 

 

What if this was YOUR son. What if you got a call in the middle of the night from someone saying that your son was sleeping with a married woman and a mother of three. Would you be proud? Or, would you blast him and tell him that "I thought I raised you better than that!"?

 

 

The point of exposure is to bring the affair to light. His parents now know and are probably not going to be as accepting of this new relationship he is in because of how it came about. That's going to put pressure on the OM to end the affair because his parents could be ashamed of what he's done.

[bamawsp]

Here's the thing.

 

I agree she isn't out of the fog. However, for the first time in our marriage she is actually doing something to move forward.

 

Yes it may be a divorce, but the exposure worked simply to get things in motion. Keep in mind, the affair has only come out in small portions as I've discovered it. The exposure to others including the kids(even though it may have been a bad idea in retrospect) has things in full motion.

 

She may come out of it but she now knows the world(people important to her) knows she has been having an affair. Contrary to what a few minority here believe an EA is just as harmful as a PA.

[HereNorThere]

OP, don't let anyone shame you because you chose to live in reality and not enable your wife to hurt anymore people. You absolutely did the right thing in every single way possible.

 

Also, when you do not expose, you always run the risk of her rewriting history behind your back. Now she has to fully face herself in the mirror and look at the person she is. She can no longer pretend to be someone else and carry on a double life. If you divorce, your kids don't have to carry around the burden of always wondering whether or not it was something they did that broke up your marriage. They always have foundation of knowing they have at least one trustworthy parent who cares about them and their well-being.

 

Congrats on doing the right thing. So many other posters here wish they had the courage to do the same thing, but they don't. They're so ashamed of themselves for allowing someone so detrimental in their life, they hide it and continue to enable poor behavior.

 

That which can be destroyed by truth should be.

[Chi townD]

 

 

IMHO she is justified in leaving you on the grounds of mental cruelty and possibly even abuse. If she were the one on these boards many of us would recommend she seek shelter while obtaining legal counsel and obtaining a restraining order/no contact order.

 

 

Because he exposed the affair?!?!? That seems a bit out there. Or, are you upset that he didn't expose the way others would have exposed?

 

 

Exposure is messy if you do it the right way or the wrong way. And what is the right way or the wrong way?

[bamawsp]

Here's the thing.

 

I agree she isn't out of the fog. However, for the first time in our marriage she is actually doing something to move forward.

 

Yes it may be a divorce, but the exposure worked simply to get things in motion. Keep in mind, the affair has only come out in small portions as I've discovered it. The exposure to others including the kids(even though it may have been a bad idea in retrospect) has things in full motion.

 

She may come out of the fog or she may not but she and more importantly he now know the world(people important to her) knows she has been having an affair. Contrary to what a few minority here believe an EA is just as harmful as a PA.

[oldshirt]

 

 

My oldest actually called the OM and told him to leave us all alone.

 

 

 

If this actually happened, my assumption is that the OP made her do it.

 

 

If that is the case, the wife's attorney is going to take that to the bank and perhaps even get Child Protective Services involved.

 

 

One of two things is going to come of this. Either the OP's wife is a typical abused wife and she is going to capitulate and do nothing and continue to live under his domination and threats of harm and threats of separation from children/family/employment etc etc

 

 

Or she is going to shove back and this is going to be one ugly divorce.

[Confused48]

Contrary to what a few minority here believe an EA is just as harmful as a PA.

 

1 - I think very few that have been on this site for more than a month would claim an EA is less harmful than a PA.

 

2 - I would bet a thousand to one that this is not just an EA. No way. This is a classic hidden PA.