Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[sandylee1]

You seem in a bit of a better place after your MC session. You may think this is OTT, but the BS is often accused of violence and the WW calls the cops on him . I hope she won't do this to you. Consider getting a VAR for when you are alone with her, to protect yourself.

[elaine567]

I would bet a thousand to one that this is not just an EA. No way. This is a classic hidden PA.

 

YOU don't know that and neither does the OP, the only people who know that is the wife and her OM.

 

Classic stirring to ramp up emotions and no doubt trigger a few here.

[oldshirt]

Because he exposed the affair?!?!? That seems a bit out there. Or, are you upset that he didn't expose the way others would have exposed?

 

 

Exposure is messy if you do it the right way or the wrong way. And what is the right way or the wrong way?

 

 

 

My point is he did it out of vengeance to hurt and humiliate her. She made him mad and he retaliated to hurt her.

 

 

Disclosure can absolutely have it's place and if you've read any of my other posts you'll see that I do almost always advocate disclosure to pertinent people and I even do advocate contacting the AP.

This however was not disclosure for purposes of trying shine light on inappropriate behavior IHMO. I think this was a case of using mass disclosure as weapon of retaliation and scorched earth.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

This thread had been moved from it's original position since I last posted in it early this morning and not only that, but this is a new thread that was created with the same title but with totally different postings in it!

 

Anyway....what has been done is DONE. There is no "he should've...he could've...." stuff. He exposed his wife's affair to practically every person within 20 ft. of him. It's DONE. He can NEVER take that back. Especially how he exposed it to his children. That's the part that I disagree with the most...and it's the only part of his situation that saddens me - my heart goes out to his poor children. I feel bad for the heartache he's going through too, but he's an adult. He's strong enough to deal with it. Not so sure about his children though. Just thinking about what they all must be feeling and thinking right at this very moment while they're in school is enough to put a lump in my throat.

 

 

.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've exposed the divorce to her family, boss, our children and friends this evening(some after midnight so I haven't received a response). I've also exposed the divorce to his family which we will talk about in a moment.

 

Exposing the affair to our children (ages 12 10 and 7) sent her over the edge. She responded by saying she has never loved me and began blaming the affair on me. My oldest daughter actually left the OM a voicemail humanizing the effect. I also called her a whore and she went crazy saying "it's over" etc.

 

I had the exact same thoughts and inclinations when I discovered my (ex) wife's infidelity.

 

Difference was, I kept them to myself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SycamoreCircle]

I think it's also important to keep in mind that "fog", "affair fog" is a contentious issue. A lot of people don't agree with its application. The idea that once the fog lifts, the BS will have their partner back may be viewed as self-deception.

[bamawsp]

I don't abuse her. If anything she is abusive towards me. This will only get as ugly as she wants it. She is continuing the counseling together which demonstrates to me at least a glimmer of wanting to reconcile. She is very angry now which is good. It got her off her ass and made her uncomfortable. Complacency is no longer the acceptable norm. Ironically, she is going out after work with one of the women I exposed the affair to. I thought this woman was in on it but she had no clue. My wife reached out to her unbeknownst of the exposure and said "we need to talk" This woman's husband died 15 years ago and she's been a single mom ever since. She admitted she would tell her that an affair is no way about going things and morally wrong. She also had no issue with me calling her a whore. She said wife deserved it. However, she also admitted that she has told Virginia to do whatever she feels that makes her happy which includes divorce. I'm just going to honor the truce, hang out with the kids and try to get some sleep. I know dee down I'm doing the right thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

She also had no issue with me calling her a whore.

 

At some point, you're going to have to decide if it's a good idea to continue to tell people the wife you plan on taking back is a "whore"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chi townD]

My point is he did it out of vengeance to hurt and humiliate her. She made him mad and he retaliated to hurt her.

 

 

Disclosure can absolutely have it's place and if you've read any of my other posts you'll see that I do almost always advocate disclosure to pertinent people and I even do advocate contacting the AP.

This however was not disclosure for purposes of trying shine light on inappropriate behavior IHMO. I think this was a case of using mass disclosure as weapon of retaliation and scorched earth.

 

 

But, How can you say with 100% certainty that he did expose out of a sense of vengeance? How are you so certain that he didn't do it just to end the affair? I mean, some articles I've read on saving the marriage from infidelity says to expose, expose, expose to anyone that will listen. Are you saying those articles are wrong?

[CarrieT]

At some point, you're going to have to decide if it's a good idea to continue to tell people the wife you plan on taking back is a "whore"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This, this, a thousand times this.

 

OP, I get that you are deeply hurt and don't deserve what happened to you, but at some point - especially for your children - you are going to have to let go of that moniker.

[Confused48]

YOU don't know that and neither does the OP, the only people who know that is the wife and her OM.

 

Classic stirring to ramp up emotions and no doubt trigger a few here.

 

I do not know. I said a thousand to one. Not a million to one. There is probably a thousand to one chance that a 47 yr old male and 35 yr old female would hook up and get all emotionally bonded, for months, even say ILY, and not have sex. Yah, I'm sure it happened once or twice in the history of the world. Chances are it did not happen here. OP needs to know this bc his WW is already hitting the gaslighting very heavy.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I don't abuse her. If anything she is abusive towards me.

 

 

.

Yeah, and every 6'3", 235lb wife beater says that his 5'2" 110lb wife is actually the one that is abusing him. That line is used so much it is cliche' and is actually used as evidence, just like someone having a heart attack saying that they are dying but that it isn't their heart, is documented as a sign of a heart attack.

 

 

But I will concede I'm stretching things a bit here. We can't help but read between the lines a bit and some times we see things that aren't really there and sometimes we miss things that are. I may be reading too much into your tone and style of writing and coming up with visions that aren't really there, but your tone is striking me that you responded in a very disproportionate manner.

 

 

With most BS's we have to put their feet to fire to get them to even consider contacting the AP's spouse via email and here you are calling his 70 year old parents at midnight along with the rest of the neighborhood.

 

 

Yes, you got her attention and you got her into the MC's office, but not all attention is good attention.

 

 

Your degree of response as well as your tone and verbiage strikes me as reactionary, retaliatory and vengeful to hurt people rather than as something done as a means to uncover the truth and to foster reconciliation.

 

 

I may be wrong or I may be right, but either way I caution that disclosure can be a valuable tool in the toolbox of dealing with infidelity - however when it is used as a weapon it is very indescriminatory and inflicts a lot of unnecessary pain and damage and chaos and a lot of collateral damage on those that are innocent bystanders.

 

 

And it is a weapon that can very often swing back around and hurt the person wielding it the most.

[bamawsp]

That moniker has been addressed and will be addressed again next friday. Again, I had to get the affair out in the open and this is the only way I knew to do it and based on the response from her it has worked. She is opening up to a therapist and is now opening up to a friend. Granted, that friend who I confided in is about to betray me but in the end its all about moving forward without just calling an attorney and filing for divorce. Yet.

[elaine567]

This thread had been moved from it's original position since I last posted in it early this morning and not only that, but this is a new thread that was created with the same title but with totally different postings in it!

 

Anyway....what has been done is DONE. There is no "he should've...he could've...." stuff. He exposed his wife's affair to practically every person within 20 ft. of him. It's DONE. He can NEVER take that back. Especially how he exposed it to his children. That's the part that I disagree with the most...and it's the only part of his situation that saddens me - my heart goes out to his poor children. I feel bad for the heartache he's going through too, but he's an adult. He's strong enough to deal with it. Not so sure about his children though. Just thinking about what they all must be feeling and thinking right at this very moment while they're in school is enough to put a lump in my throat.

.

Lump in throat here too.

[oldshirt]

At some point, you're going to have to decide if it's a good idea to continue to tell people the wife you plan on taking back is a "whore"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And this is the whole point of the issue of disclosure. Disclosure is not meant to be a weapon of mass destruction. It is a tool intended for very specific people in a very specific manner and for very specific purposes.

 

 

The BS should never disclose the affair to his/her friends and relatives until he/she has pretty much decided to divorce and is simply informing them why the moving truck is out front.

 

 

Even if both the WS and BS decide to attempt reconciliation the BS's friends and family will never accept the WS back fully again and may even try to actively resist or even sabotage the R attempts.

 

 

Informing the AP's spouse is an important component of shining the light on the affair. Even informing management/ HR of inappropriate conduct in the workplace has it's place but calling up AP's 70 year old parents and getting the minor children involved in the confrontation and then calling up everyone in the tri-state area at midnight is reactionary and in this case likely vengeance.

[Chasing_mya]

You have added fuel to an already ugly situation and although the kids are already aware of her affair you have now rubbed it in their face even more. I'm not condoning her actions (affair) however, you humiliating her will not make her come back. You know the old saying 'you get more bees with honey'. You have made her resent and hate you more. You outed her personal business to her boss...... Why did you feel the need to have her professional life get in the mix of this? I don't know what outcome your looking for but whatever it is, best believe you have lost her for good. Wishing you both the best during this difficult time.

[elaine567]

At some point, you're going to have to decide if it's a good idea to continue to tell people the wife you plan on taking back is a "whore"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That point hadn't escaped me either.

[bamawsp]

I didn't call them. I merely sent 1 email to the father and a facebook pm to his sister and mother. It read exactly as follows.

 

Hi Mr. AP,

 

My name is OP and your son AP is currently having an affair with my wife who is also his coworker at WorkPlace. Wife and I have 3 daughters together (Name redacetd 12, Name redacted 10 and Name redacted 7) and have been married for 13 years. He is sending porn to her phone and giving her marijuana at the workplace He has repeatedly lied about his intentions and is costing my family a great deal of emotional stress not to mention financial hardship. She now has to quit her job in order to get away from him

 

I realize your son is a grown man but I thought you would like to know.

 

Regards,

OP

[elaine567]

I didn't call them. I merely sent 1 email to the father and a facebook pm to his sister and mother. It read exactly as follows.

 

Hi Mr. AP,

 

My name is OP and your son AP is currently having an affair with my wife who is also his coworker at WorkPlace. Wife and I have 3 daughters together (Name redacetd 12, Name redacted 10 and Name redacted 7) and have been married for 13 years. He is sending porn to her phone and giving her marijuana at the workplace He has repeatedly lied about his intentions and is costing my family a great deal of emotional stress not to mention financial hardship. She now has to quit her job in order to get away from him

 

I realize your son is a grown man but I thought you would like to know.

 

Regards,

OP

 

Has she quit her job?

[Clay]

Has she quit her job?

 

If her company find out about the drugs she might not have a choice.

[bamawsp]

Chasing_mya.......a workplace affair can be damaging to an organization if it isn't snuffed out. It leaves a company susceptible to sexual harassment charges not to mention the drug element. They themselves chose to have a workplace affair. I didn't. And if she hates me so be it. Things weren't working in the present and now we are finally moving forward. Mission Accomplished. I know things are going to be tough and she is going to lash out at me and bait me into anger. As long as I don't take the bait we will all benefit.

[oldshirt]

Response below.

 

 

But, How can you say with 100% certainty that he did expose out of a sense of vengeance?

 

 

I can't with anywhere near 100% certainty. As I stated above, we all have to read between the lines a little and go with our gut to a certain degree. I may be wrong about him being abusive/vengeful and I concede that is a strong statement with very little facts to back it up at this point and we'll never likely hear from her so we'll never know the whole story.

 

 

 

 

How are you so certain that he didn't do it just to end the affair?

 

 

The same way George Zimmerman ended Treyvon Martin's trip home from the convenience store??

Maybe not a fair comparison but that's kind of my point. His response was disproportionate to the information he had at the time.

 

 

That's why I get the impression he did it to hurt her and not just to shine a light on something she was doing in the dark.

 

 

I mean, some articles I've read on saving the marriage from infidelity says to expose, expose, expose to anyone that will listen. Are you saying those articles are wrong?

 

 

If someone is saying to expose to anyone that will listen - yes, that is wrong. See my post above.

 

 

Regardless of who is informed and why, it needs to be a tool and not a weapon. I get the feeling in this case it was used as a weapon to inflict unnecessary pain and chaos.

If you walk out into the parking lot and find someone rifling through your glove compartment, you can't pull a gun and start shooting everyone in parking lot in case they are an accomplice.

if the person in your glove box starts mouthing off to you but doesn't show any physical threat, you can't shoot them or cause them serious bodily harm. But if they turn around and physically attack you, you can defend yourself in a proportionate manner which will ultimately be determined by a court, judge and jury.

This is all about degrees and proportionate responses. I believe his response was disproportionate and with the intent to cause pain and humiliation and is now saying he did that to bust up some Facebook schmoochykins (which was the only information he had at the time. It may truly be a fullblown affair, but he didn't know that with the info he had at the time. ...kinda like me thinking he was abusive)

I see this as sneeking up behind a scrawy teenager and beating him senseless with a lead pipe when you catch him going through your glove box. The person that does that, does it because they want to inflict pain and injury, not to stop the contents of their glove box from being stolen.

[Hope Shimmers]

Okay, so what! He's an adult!

 

What if this was YOUR son. What if you got a call in the middle of the night from someone saying that your son was sleeping with a married woman and a mother of three. Would you be proud? Or, would you blast him and tell him that "I thought I raised you better than that!"?

 

None of the above. I would wonder what kind of crazy person was calling me in the middle of the night to rant and rave about my middle-aged son as if he still lived with me and I could control his behavior.

 

Sounds like you think that people who have affairs have parents who didn't raise them right and that the parents are to blame. Not my opinion, but whatever works for you.

 

The point of exposure is to bring the affair to light. His parents now know and are probably not going to be as accepting of this new relationship he is in because of how it came about. That's going to put pressure on the OM to end the affair because his parents could be ashamed of what he's done.

 

The OM should have the A ended for him by his ex-MW, not by scolding from his parents.

 

At some point, you're going to have to decide if it's a good idea to continue to tell people the wife you plan on taking back is a "whore"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Excellent point!

[Friskyone4u]

Bama

 

You are probably going to find out this was not just an EA. she has so far admitted nothing that you have not found out yourself. When you go to MC you need to address the affair and not the kids first. Your MC should not take your money trying to do therapy with someone who is still actively in an affair .

You may have exposed it but that does not mean it is ended.

And don't put it past your wife to go have sex with him instead of going out with her girlfriend. I'd make sure that story is true

You may not be able to save your marriage AND get out of infidelity. I think you are aware of that.

And no matter how pissed off she is the non negotiables are

NO CONTACT with OM

TOTAL Transparecy of electronics

And don't let any of those who are more concerned about your kids finding out what they already knew hand you any bull shot that you have to nice her back. You were in the same ****ty marriage but did not have sex with anyone else

[road]

Road, does it sound to you like the OP gave timely thought to making his children aware of what was happening or rather that he impulsively pushed his agenda onto them?

 

 

 

I do not know what he told his kids. Though I do know he acted in a timely manner by telling them.