road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Spectre, that is nonsense. That's saying "I didn't shoot X, the gun did." The wife had a responsibility to her children. She failed that. The husband had a responsibility to his children. He failed that. He has not failed his kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 He has not failed his kids. Remains to be seen, depending on how they ultimately react both short- and long-term to being invited into their parents' marital problems and basically encouraged to take sides. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I do not know what he told his kids. Though I do know he acted in a timely manner by telling them. Acting in a timely manner is saying, "your mother and I are having a serious conversation at the moment but it doesn't have anything to do with you and are sorry we woke you up. go back to bed and we'll try not to be so loud and we'll talk more about this later. " Saying, "your mother is a cheating whore and I need you to call this full grown man that has been fcking your mother and tell him to leave her alone.." can be used against you in court and may even be used as evidence to have DHS come knocking at the door. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Absolutely Misty. She's been doing it for awhile to validate her affair. I'm sure you're familiar with that. Called rewriting the history of the marriage. Forgetting all the good. Making mountains out of mole hills. So the WW can justify her affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Acting in a timely manner is saying, "your mother and I are having a serious conversation at the moment but it doesn't have anything to do with you and are sorry we woke you up. go back to bed and we'll try not to be so loud and we'll talk more about this later. Saying, "your mother is a cheating whore and I need you to call this full grown man that has been fcking your mother and tell him to leave her alone.." can be used against you in court and may even be used as evidence to have DHS come knocking at the door. ^^^well put^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Saying, "your mother is a cheating whore and I need you to call this full grown man that has been fcking your mother and tell him to leave her alone.." can be used against you in court and may even be used as evidence to have DHS come knocking at the door. Let's take the assumption that no more will come of that, but even so any crafty divorce attorney would give his left nut to be able to present a record of DHS making a visit to the other parents home even if it ended up being unfounded. If this turns into a divorce, there are going to be fireworks visible for many miles. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I'm going to ask again: Did you use the word whore when you told your elementary school age children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I just don't believe your kids are old enough to understand what you are telling them. What does a 7 year old know of sexual infidelity and why is this a conversation they should be having with any adult? I know my parents had issues with each other but they would never dare pull me into it and try to turn me against the other. Young children in my opinion should not be put in a position to 'take sides'. By doing so you are undermine the respect and authority dynamic between the child and parent. You do not tell kids about the details of an affair. Simple statement: Moms and dads when the get married do not have BFs/GFs and go on dates with them. Well mom/dad has a BF/GF and is going on dates with the BF/GF (insert AP's name). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 read it "She even went on to say they are scared for their safety even though I didn't threaten them in the least I just laid out what was happening with their son " Anyone that has spent any time on infidelity forums knows that the WW's lie. They will lie about everything. In this case the WW is lying about the OM's parents. She wants to make the BH too afraid to do any more exposing. This WW fears that more exposure will do irreparable harm to her affair. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 A week ago Monday, I decide to check her Facebook. By luck of the draw her Facebook password is the same as Netflix. I see 2 messages from OM stating 'I LOVE YOU!' and that he was hoping to chat before she went to sleep. I confronted her immediately and she seemed relieved that she was discovered but also claimed it still wasn't physical and that she wanted to work it out. She came home from work tonight with guns blazing wanting a divorce, defending the OM and I finally decided it's time to expose. bamawsp, what happened between the discovery of the Facebook messages last Monday and her coming home with guns blazing last night? Why the change in behavior and attitude on her part? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 now she wants a divorce after 13 years. I've exposed the divorce to her family, boss, our children and friends this evening(some after midnight so I haven't received a response). I've also exposed the divorce to his family which we will talk about in a moment. Exposing the affair to our children (ages 12 10 and 7) sent her over the edge. She responded by saying she has never loved me and began blaming the affair on me. My oldest daughter actually left the OM a voicemail humanizing the effect. I also called her a whore and she went crazy saying "it's over" etc. She claims it(being the marriage) is over (and it very well might be) but I am willing to work it out which I why I exposed the affair to the people that matter. I'm actually interested in what the boss has to say. Anywho, all I can see is this guy's face and the destruction he has caused my family in conjunction with my wife. I'm prepared for any result, but I am looking for support. Sometimes you just have to drop all the bullsh*t and get the poison out. What you did is awesome because this kind of "aggressive" 180 will either save your marriage or end it. Either way it is a strong step in the right direction for your personal recovery. Infidelity is DEVASTATING to the whole family so your WW and the OM should have expected this to blow up at some point. I'm sure while it was ongoing you felt powerless, and the torture felt like it will never end. This had to be brought to a head sometime and you chose now. I think you did great! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 She went to work and was told by AP that I had emailed his parents and sister. She was snowed in with all of us the previous week due to an ice storm. BTW, I can call DHR right now for the marijuana to make it ugly and she knows it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You do not tell kids about the details of an affair. Simple statement: Moms and dads when the get married do not have BFs/GFs and go on dates with them. Well mom/dad has a BF/GF and is going on dates with the BF/GF (insert AP's name). This is all about degrees and proportion of responses, not necessarily content. Yes, when parents have decided to physically separate/divorce, children need to be informed what is happening in a manner that is appropriate for their age and in a manner that doesn't damage their relationship with either parent. You don't tell them their mother is a whore and then make them call the OM in the middle of the night right after you find her Facebooking inappropriate messages and you don't put them in the hotseat to interrogate them if they've seen mommy txting anyone. It's not that he informed the children of the marital discord that people are taking issue with. It's the manner and the degree that is inappropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Acting in a timely manner is saying, "your mother and I are having a serious conversation at the moment but it doesn't have anything to do with you and are sorry we woke you up. go back to bed and we'll try not to be so loud and we'll talk more about this later. " Saying, "your mother is a cheating whore and I need you to call this full grown man that has been fcking your mother and tell him to leave her alone.." can be used against you in court and may even be used as evidence to have DHS come knocking at the door. Ok - so things didn't go as you or I would have scripted. But he finally melted down and now its done. Everyone has to live with the consequences of their actions and now that this is totally out there maybe it will help find the right resolution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you Drifter. That was my primary goal to get it out in the open. I was literally suffering keeping it a secret for "our sake" Last night she was defending him, talking about what a great guy he is, great listener, etc. When she unloaded the fear bomb on me that was my breaking point. It was time to look out for #1. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Old Shirt......Your story keeps changing to fit your agenda. I didn't force my child call AP. I called him and he was too chicken schitt to take my call and get involved in real life. My child yelled into the voicemail and I was trying to talk. It wasn't in the middle of the night nor was it right after discovering salacious facebook messages as you falsely alledge. The middle child VOLUNTEERED the info on her own accord. No interrogation whatsoever. It was a week after and only after she brought the bullschitt into my house vocally defending him etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sometimes you just have to drop all the bullsh*t and get the poison out. What you did is awesome because this kind of "aggressive" 180 will either save your marriage or end it. The marriage may survive, but if it does the scars and hurt and anger and residual effects will linger for years longer than if it had been handled in a more reasoned and less venomous manner. The bitterness and anger will last a lot longer if it even does go away. They may also divorce and again it will be a more bitter and hurtful and contentious divorce than if it was handled in a more reasoned and less venomous manner and both will carry more scars and bitterness and anger into their post-divorce lives than needed. So yes, I do agree that this will bring about change and sometimes that needs to happen. It will be more a more painful and bitter result either way than was necessary but if you are all about the ends justifying the means regardless of outcome, then I guess it is a victory. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 OK you have your wife who has told you she wants a divorce, vocally defending her OM to you. What is your plan here? How do you see this panning out? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Old Shirt......Your story keeps changing to fit your agenda. I didn't force my child call AP. I called him and he was too chicken schitt to take my call and get involved in real life. My child yelled into the voicemail and I was trying to talk. It wasn't in the middle of the night nor was it right after discovering salacious facebook messages as you falsely alledge. The middle child VOLUNTEERED the info on her own accord. No interrogation whatsoever. It was a week after and only after she brought the bullschitt into my house vocally defending him etc. It is unbelievably sad that a parent would do this to their young child. All of this should have been done during a time when the kids were completely out of the vicinity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Hey Hope.......take it up with her. She's the one that got the train rolling in the vicinity of the kids with her defense mechanisms. I'm beginning to think old shirt is related to the AP in some sort of way. : ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Old Shirt......Your story keeps changing to fit your agenda. I didn't force my child call AP. I called him and he was too chicken schitt to take my call and get involved in real life. My child yelled into the voicemail and I was trying to talk. It wasn't in the middle of the night nor was it right after discovering salacious facebook messages as you falsely alledge. The middle child VOLUNTEERED the info on her own accord. No interrogation whatsoever. It was a week after and only after she brought the bullschitt into my house vocally defending him etc. your story is the one being amended from your earlier posts. I was basing my responses on your earlier posts as you had written them. But this is all just diluting the content and not really helping anything either way. My point and the point of some of the others is this is adult content that shouldn't have involved children in the room to begin with and that they should not have gotten wrapped up in and I'll leave it at that. Time for all of us, me included, to move on. what's done is done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 elaine........best case scenario is that we both put aside our differences and focus on healing. I'm willing to forgive her for the affair if she's willing to put in the work towards healing as well. Regardless, I'm going to have to forgive her for her affair whether she sticks around for the sake of my children. My girls and I have a great relationship. I talked with each of them as soon as they arrived home from school and apologized. I validated their mother's love for them and I said I was wrong for telling them. They will be fine. They don't want us to divorce and I don't either. Unlike old shirt, I do have some hope and I sure as heck have faith that God has a plan. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 The marriage may survive, but if it does the scars and hurt and anger and residual effects will linger for years longer than if it had been handled in a more reasoned and less venomous manner. The bitterness and anger will last a lot longer if it even does go away. They may also divorce and again it will be a more bitter and hurtful and contentious divorce than if it was handled in a more reasoned and less venomous manner and both will carry more scars and bitterness and anger into their post-divorce lives than needed. So yes, I do agree that this will bring about change and sometimes that needs to happen. It will be more a more painful and bitter result either way than was necessary but if you are all about the ends justifying the means regardless of outcome, then I guess it is a victory. I agree, I see a lot more drama ahead and that will only reflect on the kids. I get it when adults rip each other to shreds over cheating and divorce, but when it involves kids, there needs IMO to be more thought put into any interactions, less knee jerk reactions and wild behaviours. Involving a child when the OP was calling the OM to give him a piece of his mind, is despicable. The children should not have been anywhere near that conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 She went to work and was told by AP that I had emailed his parents and sister. She was snowed in with all of us the previous week due to an ice storm. BTW, I can call DHR right now for the marijuana to make it ugly and she knows it. OK, that was kind of a missing piece of the puzzle that I either missed in all the dialogue earlier or wasn't spelled out clearly. Things make a little more sense now. I think I have a little better grasp of the timeline now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 elaine........best case scenario is that we both put aside our differences and focus on healing. I'm willing to forgive her for the affair if she's willing to put in the work towards healing as well. Regardless, I'm going to have to forgive her for her affair whether she sticks around for the sake of my children. My girls and I have a great relationship. I talked with each of them as soon as they arrived home from school and apologized. I validated their mother's love for them and I said I was wrong for telling them. They will be fine. They don't want us to divorce and I don't either. Unlike old shirt, I do have some hope and I sure as heck have faith that God has a plan. OK I am glad you cooled things down as regards your children. Link to post Share on other sites
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