Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[elaine567]

This WW is acting ugly because she has been forced to leave the Egypt, she can no longer live in the Land of Denial and must face that her banging the OM was ugly behavior and she now knows that others see her as behavior as being ugly as well.

 

There is no proof her that she banged anyone, all the evidence here is about an EA.

That is bad enough of course, but no assumptions can be made until there is hard evidence of a PA.

[SycamoreCircle]

My H was not "cool" with my infidelity and in no way did I dictate the terms of reconciliation. He chose to give me another chance. The decision to R was in his hands. Had he chose to expose it to the world I would not have agreed to HIS terms. I'm being honest here.

I'm just curious about your thought process. Would you not have agreed to his terms, had he exposed the affair, because you feel he would be putting his needs(his pride, especially) above the needs of the relationship? Is "exposing" by the BS a kind of mirror selfishness to the selfishness of cheating? I'm genuinely asking.

[elaine567]

In addition to the heightened surveillance to confirm the NC, here are some other pointers -

 

- Get a lawyer ASAP and start drawing up divorce plans and papers.

 

- under your lawyers guidance, start protecting your financial assets and properties and resources (ie moving funds from joint accounts to your individual accounts, changing credit cards etc etc)

 

- her drug usage must be addressed (and yours too if you are also using). People who have intoxicants in their system or who's brain's haven't completely recovered from past use are incapable of acting, reacting and reasoning like a sane, rational person.

 

- in addition to preparing for a divorce, start envisioning what you want your post divorce life to be and start working towards that. The more prepared you are for life after divorce, the less fearful you will be about divorce and the less likely you will be manipulated by her and less likely you will settle for being mistreated in a bad marriage.

 

Yes, I agree, get your finances in order and speak to your lawyer. She has already said she wants a divorce, she perhaps was deadly serious, do not assume otherwise.

You can rein back the divorce stuff if you R, but if you let your guard down, then you could be caught on the back foot, thinking you are reconciling, and she is hellbent on divorce.

She may be agreeing to MC to give her time and to calm the situation down.

Her AP says he loves her, so to him, this is no fling; she has options here.

BUT statistics are on your side, most cheaters do not want to leave the marriage.

[the_artist_1970]

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm not a big fan of exposure like that. You said your daughter deserves to know her mom's a whore? I find that very offensive. I'm not trying to sound rude, but for me personally, if my husband had exposed my A like that, there's no way I would have been willing to agree to his terms of reconciliation.

 

Exposure is one of the best ways to end the secrecy. I know most waywards don't want anyone to know but bringing the affair to the light usually clears their foggy head up and makes them see what they are actually doing. I did the same thing. I exposed my DH and his affair to his employer and anyone else who would listen. I didn't sign up for an open marriage and there was no way I was going to share him with another woman. If my DH didn't like it, so what. It wasn't his choice about whether we stayed married, it was my choice as to whether I was going to forgive him. Unlike you, my DH knew he could hit the road as I would have packed his sh*t and threw him out if he had an attitude like if I exposed he would leave. He had made enough choices about our marriage without my consent.

 

I think it's important that the WS knows that it is an honor and a privilege for a BS to try to work things out after they have cheated and they have no business having anymore a sense of entitlement that makes them think they are the end all to be all.

[autumnnight]

Use of the word whore aside, the OP actually did exactly what he - and only he - had a right to do. It was his wife who cheated and his family was at stake, so he was within his rights to expose his own wife and her AP.

[the_artist_1970]

I have photographic evidence that she cut it off with AP but I wasn't supposed to know. I hacked into her Facebook and there is 4 lengthy messages from AP that he feels like a disgusting human being for causing all this. He said he swore to stand by her side forever because he cannot help who he falls in love with. He is crying that it's over and heartbroken because of what she and my children had to hear from their father and the pain he caused.

 

I told her thanks for breaking it off and she called me psychotic for checking her Facebook. Not all the way there but it appears on a certain level exposure has worked. He kept saying 'it didn't have to be this way'. I have the screenshots saved in a safe location where he admits he is the cause. Moving forward while avoiding fights and sleeping upstairs.

 

It's very troubling to me that your WW called you psychotic for checking her Facebook page. She should be WILLING to let you check anything to make you feel safe in the marriage again. You shouldn't even have to ask. She doesn't sound like someone who is worthy of rebuilding yet. She is gaslighting you. Please google gaslighting and see what the term means. You have to let her know that you can live and thrive even if you are not married to her. Her sense of entitlement is through the roof. SMH:rolleyes:

[familygone]

now she wants a divorce after 13 years. I've exposed the divorce to her family, boss, our children and friends this evening(some after midnight so I haven't received a response). I've also exposed the divorce to his family which we will talk about in a moment.

 

Exposing the affair to our children (ages 12 10 and 7) sent her over the edge. She responded by saying she has never loved me and began blaming the affair on me. My oldest daughter actually left the OM a voicemail humanizing the effect. I also called her a whore and she went crazy saying "it's over" etc.

 

She claims it(being the marriage) is over (and it very well might be) but I am willing to work it out which I why I exposed the affair to the people that matter. I'm actually interested in what the boss has to say.

 

Anywho, all I can see is this guy's face and the destruction he has caused my family in conjunction with my wife. I'm prepared for any result, but I am looking for support.

Same thing happened to me,they put all the blame on you and everyone else but not themselves.I call my ex a whore right to her face and she didn't bat and eye. I have a daughter, now you have to the sharing of kids ****ing hate it I wanted too be a family.My daughter doesnt deserve this.

I was looking for her to say sorry big mistake.

You are in the stage of trying to fix it don't,there is nothing you can do if she isn't willing to do it.It takes two to make it work.I look her as fraud and our marriage as a fraud like it never exsited

[truncated]

Honestly, your wife sounds like she has been quite sneaky and deceitful. She's doesn't seem to have any issue with being dishonest, and will rationalize and excuse her behavior using whatever she needs to in order to make it okay if only in her own mind.

 

She is showing you a facet of her personality right now, so really give that due consideration. All the excuses in the world won't make up for this fact.

 

Some have siad the her behavior could be because she is not happy in her mariage with you. While that may or may not be true, her feelings, when it comes to her dishonesty, are irrelevant. infidelity is not an inescapable result of unhappiness or discontent in a marriage. Rather, it is a result of the waywards personality and choices.There ae plenty of people who are unhappy in their marriage, yet they do not cheat. They find other ways to deal with it, such as talking to their spouse, getting counseling or therapy, or, as a last resort,getting a divorce.

 

This is not to say that a person who cheats can not experince remorse and regret, learn from the experince and then go on to be a wonderful husband or wife and a great life partner. The key is that they have to admit they made poor choices and be willing to learn better ways of behaving and dealing with issues that come up. Right now, your wife doesn't sound like she is in that position, and she may well never be, or maybe she will. No one knows right now. This is why you need to CYA ( cover your rear) as much as possible while continuing to work towards reconciliation.

 

Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[aliveagain]

Your wife is not showing remorse for her affair, what you are seeing is her anger for being caught and exposed. She has had a lot of time to plan for such an outcome as she and O/M more than likely discussed the possibility but never expected it to happen. You have been the third wheel in your own marriage for some time, your the last one to know about it. Plan accordingly, plan for the worst and hope for the best. Exposure is still the best way to bring her back to reality, you did the right thing. They can not work together, one of them has to leave because you can not control what happens at their work place. Decide what is more important and best for you and your family, the money she earns or ending all contact with O/M.

 

You have put her on notice and you are always strongest at time of confrontation. This is why it is so important to have your boundaries and requirements for staying in the marriage clearly stated. Once they are clear to her stand by them and be ready to enforce them if necessary, do not move the line you have drawn in the sand. She need to know that with or without her you are taking you and your children out of infidelity. You can not control her so make it very clear to her that she is free to continue her relationship with O/M but not as your wife.

 

Do not finance the affair so protect your finances, you may need advice from a lawyer and it sounds like you have already taken the first step in that direction. Make the affair a bad place to be, wow, you did that well, give it time to really sink in. Your wife needs independent counselling, she needs to get to the root problem that allowed her to justify having an affair because bringing a third person into a marriage will not help the issues within the marriage. You can't save the marriage on your own she needs to be as committed as you in order to achieve reconciliation. Your marriage counsellor needs to make it known that counselling won't work as long as she is still in her affair. Stay strong.

[Chi townD]

Your wife is not showing remorse for her affair, what you are seeing is her anger for being caught and exposed. She has had a lot of time to plan for such an outcome as she and O/M more than likely discussed the possibility but never expected it to happen.

 

 

 

 

Well, I wouldn't expect the WW to show remorse. Her affair JUST ended and if you go with Road's post, she's an addict and she just got cut off by her supplier. So, she's going to be more angry than anything else.

 

 

And I don't see a lot of affairs partners discussing contingency plans in case they get caught. By doing this, it would be admitting to each other that what they are doing is wrong. They already know this, they just don't want to be reminded of it. Normally, you hear about them planning the possible future. If she were to leave her marriage, how would they explain their relationship? Probably deciding that if she left, they would need to keep their relationship under wraps and slowly introduce him as a "friend" of hers that's helping her "through the most trying time of her life". And introducing him more and more over time until "What do you know! We're in love!" And no one would be the wiser that these two were actually the cause of her failed marriage. They would be looking for the easiest route with as little damage as possible.

 

 

OP might have just screwed up their plans.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Chi townD

[dreamingoftigers]

This may be just me,

 

 

but what evidence was there of an EA?

 

 

What made it cross the line from friendship to A?

[Chi townD]

I have a feeling that it was an EA/PA. And not just a EA

 

 

Reason why I feel this way is her responses. I mean, deep feelings can develop with just an EA, but her responses makes me feel that these feelings are far more entrenched. Making it harder to break away from her affair partner. Plus, we're not talking about a Facebook EA where the OM is 1000 miles away. They worked together. Therefore, they've had all the opportunity in the world to make it physical in some way, shape or form.

[Confused48]

There is no proof her that she banged anyone, all the evidence here is about an EA.

That is bad enough of course, but no assumptions can be made until there is hard evidence of a PA.

 

Really, give the WW the benefit of the doubt and assume she is telling the truth, now, after all the lies before? A truth that is so very unbelievable? Two adults in an EA, saying ILU, for months, and we are to assume that they had the character and morals to stop at that, no sex? Despite the fact they are lying and sneaking around already? It is just too much head in the sand for me.

 

I think the OP should assume they had sex and be ready to accept it if proven otherwise but really, I'd not even waste money on a poly for this one if I were him. If WW wants to set it up and pay for it, sure attend, otherwise, assume they had sex. It is unreasonable in the extreme to expect him to assume otherwise.

 

It's very troubling to me that your WW called you psychotic for checking her Facebook page. She should be WILLING to let you check anything to make you feel safe in the marriage again. You shouldn't even have to ask. She doesn't sound like someone who is worthy of rebuilding yet. She is gaslighting you. Please google gaslighting and see what the term means. You have to let her know that you can live and thrive even if you are not married to her. Her sense of entitlement is through the roof. SMH:rolleyes:

 

^^^^Totaly! WW is psychotic if she thinks she deserves any privacy at this point. Trying to make OP feel bad about this is more evidence WW is still in the A fog. Still, OP should not have disclosed his source of info. Rookie mistake.

[elaine567]

I have a feeling that it was an EA/PA. And not just a EA

 

I think we all have that "feeling", but it doesn't necessarily make it true.

 

She may also be on heroin and cocaine, not just weed, but we cannot assume anything about her drug habits, as only the weed is proven.

 

We need to comment here on what has been proven, not on "feelings".

[Chi townD]

I agree, I see a lot more drama ahead and that will only reflect on the kids. I get it when adults rip each other to shreds over cheating and divorce, but when it involves kids, there needs IMO to be more thought put into any interactions, less knee jerk reactions and wild behaviours.

 

 

Do you actually SEE the drama ahead or is that just a feeling?

[Timshel]

^^^^Totaly! WW is psychotic if she thinks she deserves any privacy at this point. Trying to make OP feel bad about this is more evidence WW is still in the A fog. Still, OP should not have disclosed his source of info. Rookie mistake.

 

I don't think she is psychotic. She has made a choice of loyalty. If she was choosing H, she would volunteer, she would be remorseful.

I can't say the marriage is over (it would be for me) but she needs out of the house to pursue her desires at this time. Away from BS and the children. I am not suggesting that she should not see the kids. This is a volatile situation the kids should not be exposed to.

Op needs some distance and peace to sort himself out and WW needs to be able to do what she is doing without it being in her family's face.

In short, she is not reconciling.....she should leave the house.

[CrystalShine2011]

Children that young don't deserve to be involved like that in a situation that is for adults. I feel for you guys, I hope it smoothes out.

[road]

Really, give the WW the benefit of the doubt and assume she is telling the truth, now, after all the lies before? A truth that is so very unbelievable? Two adults in an EA, saying ILU, for months, and we are to assume that they had the character and morals to stop at that, no sex? Despite the fact they are lying and sneaking around already? It is just too much head in the sand for me.

 

I think the OP should assume they had sex and be ready to accept it if proven otherwise but really, I'd not even waste money on a poly for this one if I were him. If WW wants to set it up and pay for it, sure attend, otherwise, assume they had sex. It is unreasonable in the extreme to expect him to assume otherwise.

 

 

 

^^^^Totaly! WW is psychotic if she thinks she deserves any privacy at this point. Trying to make OP feel bad about this is more evidence WW is still in the A fog. Still, OP should not have disclosed his source of info. Rookie mistake.

 

 

 

Exactly. As with witnessing other affairs through the years. This WW kicking up such a fuss time of the affair, close proximity due to being co-workers, indicates this is a PA.

[Spectre]

I have photographic evidence that she cut it off with AP but I wasn't supposed to know. I hacked into her Facebook and there is 4 lengthy messages from AP that he feels like a disgusting human being for causing all this. He said he swore to stand by her side forever because he cannot help who he falls in love with. He is crying that it's over and heartbroken because of what she and my children had to hear from their father and the pain he caused.

 

I told her thanks for breaking it off and she called me psychotic for checking her Facebook. Not all the way there but it appears on a certain level exposure has worked. He kept saying 'it didn't have to be this way'. I have the screenshots saved in a safe location where he admits he is the cause. Moving forward while avoiding fights and sleeping upstairs.

 

Okay, this is why I do not get why people are telling you to go to marriage counseling. Look, I'm no therapist, but I thought couples went to MC with the intent to *save* the marriage. So my question is why are you doing this? Do you honestly want to save this marriage? Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with this cheating, deceitful, manipulative, and all around cruel woman? Even if she "changes" you will never know if it's legit or if she is just putting on a show for you.

 

She wouldn't of cheated if she was happy, so this means if you stay with her you are essentially staying with a person who, when relationship issues arise, will not do the adult thing and come to you and talk about it. At this point, I don't think staying with her for the kids is a valid excuse anymore. Even if you didn't tell them anything...they have seen friggin texts from this OM.

 

Your wife's response to you going into her Facebook tells you all you need to know, and it says to me this marriage can never work. See, whenever something like this happens, when someone goes into your email, anyone's first instinct is to get upset. To think, how dare you invade my privacy. But if you've shown you aren't trustworthy, I don't think you can complain at all.

 

Now add in the fact this woman has been caught cheating..you think if she wanted to fix this marriage she'd be on her best behavior, you'd think even if it bugged her you went into her Facebook..that she would express it in a different manner. Or better yet, keep her anger to herself because she realizes she isn't trustworthy and thus her Facebook became fair game. Some might say that she is like an addict and just got her supply taken away, but that is no excuse to me if she truly wanted to save the marriage. I mean come on, you are psychotic because you want to make sure your cheating deceitful wife is no longer cheating and being deceitful?

 

So yeah, I don't get why you'd bother to try to fix something with this woman. How can you ever trust her? I don't get why you want to work on it at this point man. Look at how she treats you! It reminds me of Charlie Brown and Lucy.

[Selfish]

The 180 is not and never has been a reconciliation program.

 

It is a game plan for moving on with your own life in the most efficient and effective means and not allowing your ex to use or manipulate you or keep you hanging on.

 

It is a moving on program, not a reconciliation program.

 

Some WS' s do capitulate and come around during the 180 once they realize their back plan and safety net are not going to be in place but that is not the intent or end goal of the 180.

 

See that's what I thought and then I was told it is to get the other spouse to "wake up" and come back. I never much liked it for that (even if it happens)

[SycamoreCircle]

I feel like the OP has this idea that with rigid authority, tough love and a good man's fight to save his family, he can put all the broken pieces back together.

 

I wanted to save my relationship. I would have done anything. No go. The cheater, in effect, makes all the choices for you. There's only one option: ending your relationship and getting as far the he11 away from each other as possible. You feel emasculated, you feel emotionally raped, you feel utterly powerless. You want to choke the life out of the woman. You want to smash a bottle over the back of the head of the OM.

 

Nearly a year later my ex still idolizes the OM. He eventually discarded her and now has other women. Does that stop my ex from idolizing him? No. He is a professional asset to her. He can move her career. It is still resource supply to the Narcissist.

 

Why mention this? We have no idea of the scope of this woman's infatuation. This man could provide some link to something she wants beyond romance. People that slip into this sort of NPD will stop at nothing to get what they want.

 

He11 awaits.

[PegNosePete]

I feel like the OP has this idea that with rigid authority, tough love and a good man's fight to save his family, he can put all the broken pieces back together.

Yep, undoubtedly. It's a very common feeling. He has to realize that it takes 2 to tango. He can't do her share of the work for her, no matter how hard he "fights for his family" (another phrase which is often used, but nobody seems to know the details of what it involves actually doing!).

[dichotomy]

introducing this OM is not on you - it's on your spouse because that is HER new partner, not yours. it would be awesome if people could actually forget about their bruised ego for a minute and explain everything to their children together. you telling your kids about this OM because you're afraid they'll like him more than you? no bueno.

 

.

 

 

Dont agree with this approach at this time.

 

They are his kids, their kids. Introducing another man, and one who is a AP, unknown character (he is a cheater), and more...

 

They are still married and he has full rights with his kids. If they divorce and mommy is single - and decides to date, then thats different and the kids will also understand that dynamic - then right now where everything is hidden and lies.

 

You think my intent was about the kids liking him more ? Its about safety, about full parental rights (again they are not divorced)..its abut understanding who this AP, inserting himself (no pun intended) into the family dynamic. Also children should be able to choose who they wish to interact with - who a "friend" really is - and mommy's AP might not be one they would want (at this time) to hang out with - especially the 12 year old could feel betrayed it was hidden from her.

 

He was right to tell his kids there is a stranger - another man inappropriately involved in the family right now. Perhaps there was a better, kinder, gentler way to disclose this - perhaps OP's motivation for telling his kids was not completely right - but I believe disclosing the basic information about another person involved in the family was justified and right thing to do.

Edited February 26, 2015 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

Dont agree with this approach at this time.

 

They are his kids, their kids. Introducing another man, and one who is a AP, unknown character (he is a cheater), and more...

 

They are still married and he has full rights with his kids. If they divorce and mommy is single - and decides to date, then thats different and the kids will also understand that dynamic - then right now where everything is hidden and lies.

 

You think my intent was about the kids liking him more ? Its about safety, about full parental rights (again they are not divorced)..its abut understanding who this AP, inserting himself (no pun intended) into the family dynamic. Also children should be able to choose who they wish to interact with - who a "friend" really is - and mommy's AP might not be one they would want (at this time) to hang out with - especially the 12 year old could feel betrayed it was hidden from her.

 

He was right to tell his kids there is a stranger - another man inappropriately involved in the family right now. Perhaps there was a better, kinder, gentler way to disclose this - perhaps OP's motivation for telling his kids was not completely right - but I believe disclosing the basic information about another person involved in the family was justified and right thing to do.

 

But the last we heard from the OP is that his wife has broken up with the OM, so he in reality, is unlikely to ever be in the children's lives.

Did the children really need to know at that early stage?

 

If mummy and daddy are going to be reconciling, was it really necessary to involve the kids in all that trauma and drama?

Now mummy, it has been revealed to the kids, is a whore, where does that leave the family dynamic?

 

"Well, girls are all going for a picnic."

"Is the whore coming too daddy?"

[PegNosePete]

Guys there's no point debating whether what he did was or wasn't wrong or justified any more. It's been 20 pages already. Let's just focus on helping the OP move forward from now on, yeah?