Timshel Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Dont agree with this approach at this time. They are his kids, their kids. Introducing another man, and one who is a AP, unknown character (he is a cheater), and more... They are still married and he has full rights with his kids. If they divorce and mommy is single - and decides to date, then thats different and the kids will also understand that dynamic - then right now where everything is hidden and lies. You think my intent was about the kids liking him more ? Its about safety, about full parental rights (again they are not divorced)..its abut understanding who this AP, inserting himself (no pun intended) into the family dynamic. Also children should be able to choose who they wish to interact with - who a "friend" really is - and mommy's AP might not be one they would want (at this time) to hang out with - especially the 12 year old could feel betrayed it was hidden from her. He was right to tell his kids there is a stranger - another man inappropriately involved in the family right now. Perhaps there was a better, kinder, gentler way to disclose this - perhaps OP's motivation for telling his kids was not completely right - but I believe disclosing the basic information about another person involved in the family was justified and right thing to do. I'm sorry, I can't agree. Much respect but I start to feel unhinged when children are involved in any way, shape or form with adult issues. It is my personal belief that at this point, the kids should know only that mom and dad are working on some things in their relationship but it has nothing to do with them. I realize it's too late for that. Further use or involvement of the children should be completely halted. Their well-being is the highest priority; everything that happens now should revolve around that goal. I hope I haven't misunderstood your point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Guys there's no point debating whether what he did was or wasn't wrong or justified any more. It's been 20 pages already. Let's just focus on helping the OP move forward from now on, yeah? Sorry, I was typing while you were making a good point! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Here is where everything stands at the moment. 1. The recent facebook messages I discovered were in fact NOT breaking off the relationship. She was out with her friend to let her know of the relationship. He was playing his dog and pony of how bad he feels that she is having to go through this but that his love is true and he is standing by her side. 2. I took exposure to a new level this Tuesday night. She actually survived the initial exposure(other than the kids). I sent the actual facebook messaging evidence to her parents, close friends and boss. Here is the Wednesday aftermath: 1. She threatened me with an Order of Protection if I refused to leave our house. She said she doesn't feel safe with me and fears for our children. She maintained that she was taking all the kids to soccer and if I didn't have them at the house there would be trouble. 2. Her parents told her they would not finance her divorce and would not support her financially in the event of a divorce due to her adultery. Her mother then called me and said her daughter is out of her head and I need to focus on my children and myself and make things tough on her. She said I've made it too easy on her in our marriage and she needs a hard dose of reality. 3. She totally blocked/deleted me from facebook. It's as if she doesn't exist 4. I wrote an email that I wish I could share but due to length I cannot. The email basically stated in a calm fashion that my singular focus is coming to a civil and amicable resolution to our conflict whether it be R or Divorce for te sake of our children. 5. I changed my address to a PO Box and I paid cash for a monthly storage building which currently holds every important document, cash, picture etc. I basically whitewashed the house of everything except the furniture, clothes, kitchen items etc. She has no clue. 6. My youngest child stayed with me while the wife took the other 2 to soccer practice. 7. We all went to bed with no fanfare and I felt she was backing off the threats since my youngest was with me by myself. I filmed a video of her with date stamp and uploaded to a secure storage. Cue up today: 1. I was scheduled to go on an overnight business trip. I was concerned impending winter weather would cancel schools thus forcing her to bring my children to her workplace putting them in a position to be alone with AP. Thankfully my trip was delayed for a few hours so I was able to take control of the situation. 2. I tell her school is closed and that I wasn't leaving at all. She bristled and started talking the order of protection nonsense. I aske her what she wants in a divorce and she can't answer. She tells me she has a meeting with an attorney @ 9am and will file an Order of Protection if I refuse to leave for the weekend. 3. 10 minutes before her attorney appointment I pull out the VAR where I record a 4 minute conversation. In this recorded conversation, I clearly and calmly state that I am going on my work trip and that I would return on Friday night where I would not only stay for the weekend for the foreseeable future. She threatens me the Order of Protection and says she can't believe I'm forcing her to do this. She acknowledges the affair but states more that once than an affair "doesn't matter anymore in marriage proceedings" She basically whitewashes. I mention the AP by name and she says he has nothing to do with this and that we need to be separated. I agreed but I stated since she had the affair she need to go and again she said the affair is irrelevant and doesn't change 13 years of "misery" She ends the conversation by stating she is going to file the Order of Protection and that I am disgusting. 4. I call her mother and let her know she is meeting with an attorney to file an Order of Protection and the her mom went off saying this isn't right, you're a good Dad etc. 5. I tell my children before I leave that I'm truly sorry for this situation and that his isn't their fault and that both Mommy and Daddy love them very much and we are working to make things right. I also tell them that if the AP is their presence they need to tell me. 6. She phones me after the attorney meeting with a more humble, empathetic tone saying I can stay in the house and wants to continue MC. 7. I called the MC and asked to move up our appointment because I'm not sure we can make it to Friday with her volatility. I go on my work trip feeling somewhat capable of rest and a decent meal. Here is what is going to happen after discussion with counsel. I'm not saying anything about our marriage until our next MC session. However, when we enter the room the first words out of anyone's mouth are going to be from me and they will consist of something like this "Before we begin, we are wasting our time in this room unless my wife agrees to full transparency and a surgical breakoff with the affair partner. It has to be done swiftly. Anything less and we are wasting everyone's time in ths room and wasting my money" If she doesn't agree to 3-5 day timetable then I am prepared to file for divorce and kick her ass into his arms where she now becomes her problem. If she agrees, I'll take the next step moving forward because I owe it to my kids. I am currently in my work trip in another state and the children and their mother are resting comfortably by themselves at the house. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Damn. There clearly is no messing with you Sounds like your handling this like a Pro. Where were you when I went through all this Good Job Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 How do you know that she does not have the AP over at the house while you are gone? You should get a VAR to record what she says, especially with the threat of the protection order. good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 The kids are there with her. They would tell me if he is there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 You really have to watch every move this woman makes. She will seize any opportunity to kick your legs from under you, by fair means or foul. You seem to be doing that, so good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Well, good luck to you. You are taking charge, for sure. You will never, ever reconcile with her after this, but at least the divorce will proceed quickly. You did not deserve to be cheated on. Unfortunately though she is legally correct in that her affair will have no impact on the divorce proceedings (assuming you live in a no-fault state, since she made that statement and most states are). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Why so pessimistic about reconciliation, Hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Why so pessimistic about reconciliation, Hope? If I may answer that question: She seems to be largely clueless about what matters in a marriage... Maybe she knew once, but just now its as if she never knew. I admire you for having the fortitude to try reconciling, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DatingDirection Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Exposing the affair to our children (ages 12 10 and 7) sent her over the edge. You told a 12, 10 and a 7 year old all this??? They're not adults! There probably going through a lot of confusion and anxiety right now, scared about what is going to happen to them, and their parents. I wouldn't involve them in any of this going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It is my personal opinion that your blowing the affair public to everyone and their cousin will be the end of it for her, even if she ever would have been open to reconciliation. Beyond that, I agree with Satu that she doesn't seem in the mindset to do so, but the way things are playing out is doing nothing but alienating her from the marriage further. Taking charge of your life and moving forward with or without her is one thing, but doing it the way you did is another. I hope I am proved wrong, but I don't think it will happen. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Man, this is so incredible to read. Cheaters are the most unoriginal people in the world. If only they knew how standardized and generic the garbage out of their mouth is. If only they had something unique to claim, then maybe you could give some of their grievances credence. But it's just a shared formulaic script. In fact, I'm positive my ex e-mailed your wife her copy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 I merely exposed the affair to her boss, her parents, AP parents, 2 close friends and my children. That isn't everybody and their cousin. These are surgical strikes as opposed to an all out nuclear bomb. Your premise does have merit but let's at least be clear on the exposure targets. Her tone softened dramatically after meeting with an attorney. At the end of the day, her only source of financing a divorce is the AP. Her parents are adamant about not funding her. The AP just became introduced to real life. If he wants her divorced he is going to have to pay for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I merely exposed the affair to her boss, her parents, AP parents, 2 close friends and my children. That isn't everybody and their cousin. These are surgical strikes as opposed to an all out nuclear bomb. Your premise does have merit but let's at least be clear on the exposure targets. Okay. Good luck with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I just don't get it? What sort of life can you have with someone who is only staying because she is financially stuck? What sort of person are you that this is "okay" with you should she decide to stay? What sort of family life will this be for the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 The only way I am going to stay with her is if she demonstrates total and over the top transparency and telling AP to GFH forever. If both those facets do not occur I am filing for divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Ok other man did not cause destruction to your family!! She made a bad choice and you are the one destroying your family...not her... Jesus, you outed her and sent emails to everyone and told your children! Now I see why she is leaving you! Handle it like a real man and don't bring family and your children into it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Jos....Welcome to the thread. You've got a lot of catching up to do. Plus, you're giving AP a pass. It will be difficult to take anything you say with a grain of salt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Children young as 4 can comprehend the truth. What you are telling this BH to do is to lie to his children. All this does is teach them the wrong way to handle life. Things get hard and you lie. If their mom's actions are good then their mom should not be able to get mad at the kids knowing she is cheating. A WW blowing up is proof that she knows her affair is wrong. A 4 year old child only needs to know that when moms/dads are married they do not have BF/GF and go on dates with them. Well mom has a BF, his name is ______ and they are going out on dates. When telling the kids about Are you seriously out of your mind!!?? A child of 4 or 10 should absolutely NOT be hearing about thing they cannot comprehend. It's not lieing, it called protecting! You obviously have no children! Children should not be dealing with adult issues and the fact that this man brought those poor children into it shows me his lack of good parenting skills! Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 At the end of the day, her only source of financing a divorce is the AP. Her parents are adamant about not funding her. The AP just became introduced to real life. If he wants her divorced he is going to have to pay for it.Ha. We'll see how deep his love is now. "Baby, you know I'd give the moon and stars for you but...well...business has been a little slow this past month and I'm just not in the best position right now to help you be free ONCE AND FOR ALL from that pathetic excuse for a man which is your husband. But...just know...I'm still here for you. Anytime you need me, you can reach my voicemail." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I'm not giving her a pass! But why couldn't you just handle it between the two of you? Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Yeah, Jos please...read the first 10 pages of this thread before jumping in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Jos you actually made the claim that the other man did not cause destruction to my family. That's giving him a pass. I tried to resolve things between us in house but she decided to bang a guy at her workplace. Therefore, I had to take matters into my own hands. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Bam You are doing great. Keep showing her consequences. And keep the VAR on you at all times. Her attorney obviously put her in her place with respect to the Order and falsifying charges against you. I think your MC appointment will be interesting. Good Luck HM 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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