Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[Josmatjes]

I read enough.... I will say this though. I don't know why you would want to reconcile with her. Her affair will always be the elephant in the room, and it will be very awkward around people that know.

If I was you, I'd call it a day and try to be amicable for your kids, because they are all that matters. She is not going to change.

[aliveagain]

Ok other man did not cause destruction to your family!!

 

She made a bad choice and you are the one destroying your family...not her...

Jesus, you outed her and sent emails to everyone and told your children!

 

Now I see why she is leaving you! Handle it like a real man and don't bring family and your children into it!

 

Sorry, but the moment she gave herself the OK to allow another man to put his penis in her the family was doomed. The other man had a lot to do with it but most of the credit should go to his cheating wife, ya, the woman that promised to protect him when he wasn't there to do it himself. He can tell whoever he needs to in order to stop the affair or his other option is to continue to be humiliated by a wife that is actively dating. That scenario includes a lot of pain. Yes his wife made a bad choice, over and over and over again. He is doing the right thing for him, the right thing is to take himself and his children out of infidelity. Keeping his cheating wife is not required to do that. Exposure is a consequence of infidelity. Stay on your path, the affair was all on her.

[Selfish]

The only way I am going to stay with her is if she demonstrates total and over the top transparency and telling AP to GFH forever.

 

If both those facets do not occur I am filing for divorce.

 

There is a lot more required than that and I'm afraid when your done competeing with OM and being proactive you will wake up and realize that.

 

Any person who blantantly refuses to end an affair when caught and then behaves as your wife did should not be reconciled with.

 

Think about that instead of just your conpetition with this OM. The prize is not that great.

[mintcondition]

Jos you actually made the claim that the other man did not cause destruction to my family. That's giving him a pass. I tried to resolve things between us in house but she decided to bang a guy at her workplace. Therefore, I had to take matters into my own hands.

 

 

She decided to bang someone. If a woman wants to "give it up", men are all too eager hit it. She shouldn't have made herself available....it's that simple. I highly doubt that he chased her for months and resorted to some elaborate courting process and charmed her off her feet. Married people who cheat already have their minds made up - they're going to do it an they're just looking for a viable candidate.

[drifter777]

I think you are handling this mess appropriately. Others can argue about who you should have told and why and all that crap but since you don't have a time machine it doesn't matter. What's done is done and now you keep pressing forward.

 

By pushing your agenda of MC & ending contact with AP you are being more reasonable than most BH's. Your plans make sense and I hope you are able to keep your thinking clear.

 

I know a bit about family law and getting an OoP or Restraining order is expensive and a lot harder then you would think. I mean, you actually have to show cause to get a judge to agree & and issue such an order. I'd bet the lawyer told her straight up that it would cost around a grand and she doesn't have a good case. No wonder she changed her tune after meeting with him - reality is a bitch. So keep dishing up the reality to her. You have all the high-ground here so keep it. Be reasonable but stay inflexible regarding MC and ending the affair + NC.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just don't get it? What sort of life can you have with someone who is only staying because she is financially stuck? What sort of person are you that this is "okay" with you should she decide to stay?

 

What sort of family life will this be for the kids?

 

The only way I am going to stay with her is if she demonstrates total and over the top transparency and telling AP to GFH forever.

 

Your answers don't address Selfish's questions.

 

I haven't once in this thread heard you say you love your wife. Your angst and anger seems more based of theft of property than on depth of emotion.

 

You've very effectively limited your WS's options, hats off in that regard. But when the dust settles from this, do want to spend the next 20 years sleeping next to a hostage? I think that's what Selfish is asking...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Selfish]

Your answers don't address Selfish's questions.

 

I haven't once in this thread heard you say you love your wife. Your angst and anger seems more based of theft of property than on depth of emotion.

 

You've very effectively limited your WS's options, hats off in that regard. But when the dust settles from this, do want to spend the next 20 years sleeping next to a hostage? I think that's what Selfish is asking...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

EXACTLY what I'm getting at. If someone wants to reconcile with their spouse I am in support of that descision if there are key elements to work with.

 

I see no key elements here. Just a plan of attack to win... Something... Still not sure what is being won.

[sandylee1]

The only way I am going to stay with her is if she demonstrates total and over the top transparency and telling AP to GFH forever.

 

If both those facets do not occur I am filing for divorce.

 

I have to say I really like your no nonsense approach. Being wishy washy and pussyfooting around the issue never works.

[PegNosePete]

The only way I am going to stay with her is if she demonstrates total and over the top transparency and telling AP to GFH forever.

 

If both those facets do not occur I am filing for divorce.

Damn right!!! Dude you have your head screwed on right. You are indeed handling it like a pro now.

 

If I were you I'd cancel the MC. You don't need a mediator to determine if she's interested in saving the marriage or not. You can just tell her the above and see what happens. I'm sure you'll have your answer immediately, and for free.

[SycamoreCircle]

Damn right!!! Dude you have your head screwed on right. You are indeed handling it like a pro now.

 

If I were you I'd cancel the MC. You don't need a mediator to determine if she's interested in saving the marriage or not. You can just tell her the above and see what happens. I'm sure you'll have your answer immediately, and for free.

Cancel the MC, find a local Asian massage parlor and spend that money on a nice happy ending.

[elaine567]

I just don't get it? What sort of life can you have with someone who is only staying because she is financially stuck? What sort of person are you that this is "okay" with you should she decide to stay?

 

What sort of family life will this be for the kids?

 

The kids are already being used as the "policemen" of this affair. Tell daddy if the AP comes round, don't tell daddy if the AP comes round...

 

What a position for the poor little souls to be in.

Leave them out of it completely, they should be playing and learning, without a care in the world, not worrying themselves sick if the "bogeyman" is going to come a knocking and then face the wrath of either their father or their mother if they tell or don't tell.

What you or your wife does is up to you, and you both need to set boundaries here, but keep your kids out of it.

 

Please start thinking about your children and how they feel.

If this does pan out that the AP is going to be a big part of their lives on going, then you need to spare them any trauma, and not act like some caveman. They might have to live with him; living with a man that has been portrayed as a "bogeyman" is not going to be fun for them

YOU need to protect them, whatever happens. It may not be to your liking but you have to consider them first and foremost, please stop using them as pawns to further your own agenda.

 

They should not be put in a position they have to choose.

Keep this between you and your wife, don't involve your kids.

[bamawsp]

Elaine, my primary motivation is my children. I respect your opinion but deep down in my soul I was right in what I did in exposing their mother's affair. My job is not to make my wife's affair easy on her. My job is to protect my children. It's their mother's job to clean up the damage she caused by allowing another man into her family.

 

I do love my wife. However, my writings are coming off as callous and direct. I haven't mentioned that I've lost wait, lack an appetite, hurt all over and am basically a glass house of emotion. I'm holding on by a thread for the sake of my children. They need it.

[elaine567]

Elaine, my primary motivation is my children. I respect your opinion but deep down in my soul I was right in what I did in exposing their mother's affair. My job is not to make my wife's affair easy on her. My job is to protect my children. It's their mother's job to clean up the damage she caused by allowing another man into her family.

 

I do love my wife. However, my writings are coming off as callous and direct. I haven't mentioned that I've lost wait, lack an appetite, hurt all over and am basically a glass house of emotion. I'm holding on by a thread for the sake of my children. They need it.

 

I think we have moved on from what you did in exposing your wife's affair but now you are employing your children as little detectives.

Leave them alone, leave them out of it.

[sandylee1]

Elaine you are spot on. Having the kids as spies is wrong. Even though your wife created the mess by having an A, does not mean that you shouldn't protect your children. You are placing a huge burden on them. Your wife is being selfish right now, but you continue to involve the kids where you shouldn't.

 

They will remember in years to come how mom had an A and they had to tell dad if the OM came round when he wasn't there. Is that really fair for them? Regardless of the fact that their mom created this chaos.

 

I know you are in a terrible situation and at times nothing seems to make sense, but try and put yourself in the position of your kids. Who love their parents and probably just want them to be happy together. You can't just keep on saying whatever happens, whatever fallout and mess occurs is down to your wife.

[beatcuff]

Elaine you are spot on. Having the kids as spies is wrong. <snip>

, but try and put yourself in the position of your kids. Who love their parents and probably just want them to be happy together.

 

continuing --- if the kids want their parents back together (and at least initially who would not) you, OP, are putting them in an extremely difficult position of LYING to you that he is NOT around (when he is) to save the M.

 

BTW you better pray this does not wind up in family court (for custody), especially if you live in a blue state: the judge will eviscerate you.

[road]

You are making a mistake not leaving a VAR in the house when you go away for the business trip.

 

 

Also you never answered how large a business this is or its management structure. For you may have not exposed this affair far enough up the food chain.

[bamawsp]

He has not been around the children other than the few times through the years they have been in her workplace.

 

My wife is a lot of things but she isn't going to bring that man around my children. She just admitted her affair to a person outside her workplace this past Tuesday.

 

I'm perplexed at the way some of you believe that the children shouldn't know about their mama's affair. How can it be better for them if Mama is bringing around a friend and then one day they discover that friend is sleeping in Mama's bed (all while still being married to Daddy). That doesn't sound to healthy or protective to me.

[aliveagain]

More bad choices from your wife you can't control, a restraining order keeping O/M away from your children you can. Reality of what she has done will soon sink in. Exposure is a consequence of being caught no different than when a newspaper reports a crime, they have no problem telling the world the names of those involved. Do you think the police care about a relatives opinion when they publish the names of "Johns" they bust in a sting operation? If you can do the crime you can do the time. Most self centered selfish types that are more than willing to cheat on a spouse just never expect to be caught. They can't believe you would be so heartless as to bring shame to them without considering their action and what they have done to you is the cause of their problem.

 

The next few weeks will be the most telling. If she gets individual help you have a chance, if she continues to blame you for her troubles be prepared to take action through a lawyer. They can't continue to work together.

[elaine567]

I'm perplexed at the way some of you believe that the children shouldn't know about their mama's affair.

 

You keep bringing that up in your defence, but that is now a moot point, the kids already know, and we have already laid that to rest.

 

The kids are there with her. They would tell me if he is there.

This is now the issue, using your kids as spies.

[oldshirt]

 

Her tone softened dramatically after meeting with an attorney. At the end of the day, her only source of financing a divorce is the AP. Her parents are adamant about not funding her. The AP just became introduced to real life. If he wants her divorced he is going to have to pay for it.

 

In most jurisdictions both parties are entitled to rough 1/2 of the marital assets. There for its kind of unrealistic to think that all you have to do is not give the WW money and she won't be able to pay for a divorce and will be stuck without financial recourse.

 

She'll have money, it will be coming out of the division of marital assets.

 

The AP has nothing to do with it, although there is about a 95% chance that by the time this is over and she is a divorced and free woman, he'll want nothing to do with her.

 

He's all for banging her when it's on the downlow and he doesn't have to contend with her 24/7, but once a divorced woman with 3 kids shows up wanting fulltime support and companionship, he's going to fade away like a fart in the wind.

 

The best way to get rid of him is to hand her over to him and say, "there you go."

[oldshirt]

The only way I am going to stay with her is if she demonstrates total and over the top transparency and telling AP to GFH forever.

 

If both those facets do not occur I am filing for divorce.

 

While that does sound noble and grand on paper, do you really think you can have a reasonably healthy and functional marriage after all that has been said and done on both sides regardless if she dumps OM and becomes transparent???

 

Can you really reconcile with her after the things she has done and said?

 

Do you really think she can sincerely reconcile with you in good faith after the things you have done and said?

 

You may be able to win the battles and even win the war, but do you think you'll ever be able to win a legitimate and lasting peace?

[aliveagain]

You keep bringing that up in your defence, but that is now a moot point, the kids already know, and we have already laid that to rest.

 

 

This is now the issue, using your kids as spies.

 

Just my opinion based on what I know about my daughters, they would tell me if something unusual happened like mom bringing another man home while I was away on business because I would call them every night and they would talk about their day. They would do the same thing if I brought a woman home while my wife was away, it's news. A 10 year old knows when something is wrong and they will do the same thing you and I would do, watch out for the best interest of the family. If someone is stupid enough to cheat and involve their children by bringing them around O/M or O/W than they deserve whatever their consequence is.

[Timshel]

Jos....Welcome to the thread. You've got a lot of catching up to do. Plus, you're giving AP a pass. It will be difficult to take anything you say with a grain of salt.

 

Ok, I am not new to this thread. You are something serious, that's for sure. I understand that you are hurt and hurting. I get that. The spectrum of emotions are intense and confusing. I won't be popular for saying this but wth.

 

People get hurt badly every day all over the world, so to that extent, you are not unique. I have discovered through my lifetime so far that it isn't whether or not you will be hurt or be in a challenging situation, that's a given, prepare thyself perfectionists.

 

How you handle yourself during times of duress is the only thing that makes you "special." What is happening to you has happened millions of times over to millions of people. At the end of it, what you have to live with is how you behaved, what you did and how much Grace you were able to muster. Right now you think it's all about her and what she did and is doing. I promise you, ten years from now the only thing keeping you awake at night will be your own actions and words. You don't have to believe me but I had to say it.

By the way, you have choices to make now about how your children will remember all of this in the future as they have families of their own. That and their ability for future well being should be your singular greatest responsibility at this time. Not your preoccupation with shaming an controlling your cheating wife.

[bamawsp]

I don't care what my wife does. However, if she is going to try to work things out then she is going to be ALL IN. If she can't be ALL IN then I'm out. It's quite simple. I am committed to doing everything in my part to support her with all my heart IF she decides to go in. Any thing less from her then we will get a divorce. I've offered her a divorce at least 20 times in the last 5 days. She has said no. I refuse to be a third wheel for her relationship with AP.

[elaine567]

You may be able to win the battles and even win the war, but do you think you'll ever be able to win a legitimate and lasting peace?

 

If two adults are going to start a war between themselves, then I have no complaints about them tearing each other apart for 70+ years even, it is their choice, but with small kids there has to be some lasting peace.