Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[Confused48]

There is a lot more required than that and I'm afraid when your done competeing with OM and being proactive you will wake up and realize that.

 

Any person who blantantly refuses to end an affair when caught and then behaves as your wife did should not be reconciled with.

 

Think about that instead of just your conpetition with this OM. The prize is not that great.

 

OP - upi should listen to this person. This is not another bitter BS (I am a bitter BS) The above post is by a fOW. Take it to heart. It is easy for a bitter BS to say kick her to the curb. If even OWs are telling you that, well.....

[beach]

I don't care what my wife does. However, if she is going to try to work things out then she is going to be ALL IN. If she can't be ALL IN then I'm out. It's quite simple. I am committed to doing everything in my part to support her with all my heart IF she decides to go in. Any thing less from her then we will get a divorce. I've offered her a divorce at least 20 times in the last 5 days. She has said no. I refuse to be a third wheel for her relationship with AP.

 

But really, you need to know - IS she all in?

 

What does all in look like to her? Is she acting all in? Can you begin to trust what she says/does?

 

This is about rebuilding trust - if she's not willing to DO everything to rebuild trust then you have nothing to work with.

 

How much is she doing?

[bamawsp]

She is doing nothing at the moment other than committing to therapy and refusing to agree to a divorce. This all came to a head on Wednesday. I'm allowing things to simmer down until next Friday's MC when being ALL IN will be addressed.

[beach]

She is doing nothing at the moment other than committing to therapy and refusing to agree to a divorce. This all came to a head on Wednesday. I'm allowing things to simmer down until next Friday's MC when being ALL IN will be addressed.

 

Allowing all the important decisions to be made by her is out of balance for you.

 

Waiting isn't taking charge of your life. If you want to divorce her based on her doing nothing to repair the damage she's caused - then go ahead and file for divorce.

 

You've given her all YOUR power again by putting that decision at the feet of the cheater. She's shown you she doesn't care - believe her and be done with it.

[DKT3]

Truth of the matter is, OP will most likely won't want to be married to her in a few months. Right now he is in that caveman stage "her mine". Once that passes it will be full on anger. His WW is one of the worse I've read about here, according to what he is saying.

[elaine567]

What are her reasons for refusing a divorce?

[PegNosePete]

She does not need to agree to a divorce. Her agreement or consent is not required. You have a good attitude, if she's not ALL IN then you are right you should be divorcing her.

 

And it's pretty clear to all readers of this thread that she's not all in. In fact far from it, she's halfway out already. She's probably just giving you the lip service to prevent you getting your way, and to line her ducks up for the divorce. Buying time.

 

Hopefully you'll be able to see this too, in time, and without wasting too much time or money on the MC.

 

Good luck!

[LifesontheUp]

Trying to understand why you would want to be with someone who speaks and treats you like that?

 

If its for the kids then please think twice. And I say that from experience.

[Timshel]

I don't care what my wife does. However, if she is going to try to work things out then she is going to be ALL IN. If she can't be ALL IN then I'm out. It's quite simple. I am committed to doing everything in my part to support her with all my heart IF she decides to go in. Any thing less from her then we will get a divorce. I've offered her a divorce at least 20 times in the last 5 days. She has said no. I refuse to be a third wheel for her relationship with AP.

 

 

Of course you care and there is nothing wrong with that. She is your wife and the mother of your children. You care, that is commendable, it is not a flaw.

 

Despite your pain, try to find what you need in this. What you need is simple and straight forward. I agree with other posters that she has already left the building.

 

You have preoccupied yourself with retaliation. True strategy requires calm and to be methodical and calculating. You are willy nilly now and a bull in china in order to stop pain.

 

I would suggest a separation. You need to grieve and allow what has happened to sink in. Absorb this or you will continue to do more damage. I have to say, your ability to turn her own parents against her was quite ruthless.

 

You have to get hold of yourself. You need time to process and think things through. Your insistence on keeping her close at this time is damaging everyone, including yourself.

[Chi townD]

Ah! So, she went to a lawyer then AFTER the appointment she wants to work on things. Sounds like she got bad news. Dude, keep an eye out. I don't know what state you live in but there's still a couple of states that are an "at fault" state for a divorce. You may be living in one of them. And she may have found out she wouldn't fair as well as she thought she would.

 

 

She probably found out that she couldn't get a order of protection if there's never be police reports for domestic violence or any domestic disturbances. Therefore, it would look like she just wanted to remove the father of her children from the home to be vindictive and that probably wouldn't sit well with the judge in Family Court. She can't get him on slander because; well, she IS having an affair and he just told the truth. Therefore, he wasn't being slanderous.

 

 

Dude, you need to continue to carry that VAR on you at all times. She still may bait you into a fight to get the cops to remove you, don't take the bait. Because if you do, then she has a record of domestic disturbance and get her R/O. I think that her lawyer would advise her against this, but your WW isn't in the right frame of mind either.

[oldshirt]

I don't care what my wife does. However, if she is going to try to work things out then she is going to be ALL IN. If she can't be ALL IN then I'm out. It's quite simple. I am committed to doing everything in my part to support her with all my heart IF she decides to go in. Any thing less from her then we will get a divorce. I've offered her a divorce at least 20 times in the last 5 days. She has said no. I refuse to be a third wheel for her relationship with AP.

 

That is a good strategy and something that many of us here often preach.

 

The point of my last post though is can you really be "all in" after all that has been done and said?

 

Can you really stand there and say that you actually want to be married and live under the same roof with this woman?

 

You are basing your decision off of whether she is going to be all in or not in a few days. But as it stands right now she doesn't even have a pinky toe in.

 

 

Are you really wanting to save this marriage because you want to be with who and what she is today?

 

Or are you just trying to force her into your box to conform with what you want life to be and you don't want this OM TO have her?

 

Are you really striving to save your marriage because you want it, or are you just fighting so you don't lose?

 

Her venom and vitriol and disgust towards you is not a bored housewife who's little office flirtation and attention went too far and now she's devastated by what her little fling has done to her marriage and how it's hurt her husband's feelings and upset the family.

 

She hates you and is trying to twist the knife in you. This has been building up to this for years and its going to get uglier and uglier.

[oldshirt]

She is doing nothing at the moment other than committing to therapy and refusing to agree to a divorce.

 

Consent is not required for a divorce.

 

That is because the people that refuse to let their spouse divorce them are the ones that people need to get away from the most.

[oldshirt]

Truth of the matter is, OP will most likely won't want to be married to her in a few months. Right now he is in that caveman stage "her mine". Once that passes it will be full on anger. His WW is one of the worse I've read about here, according to what he is saying.

 

I agree. ^^^^^^

[drifter777]

OP: If you decide you have to go the divorce path you also need to commit to being "all in". That means you are going to have to be more than reasonable in the settlement. If you make considerably more than she does then it's likely you are going to pay her legal bills so the tougher you make it the more it will cost you. Even if that's not the case, you want the actual divorce proceedings quick & painless as possible. Find an attorney who will tell you pretty much what I'm telling you. That means he's not an ambulance chaser blowing smoke up your butt just to get paid.

 

I encourage you to stay on the path you are following. Be resolute - it get's easier to be tough every day you are able to do it. And she will get a stronger dose of reality each one of those days.

 

Start interviewing lawyers ASAP. It usually doesn't cost a thing for a 10 minute consult and you can get a good feeling for what they are about after speaking with a few. Stay strong.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP: If you decide you have to go the divorce path you also need to commit to being "all in". That means you are going to have to be more than reasonable in the settlement. If you make considerably more than she does then it's likely you are going to pay her legal bills so the tougher you make it the more it will cost you.

 

If that's the case, it will be worth every dime. And I'm also speaking from experience.

 

With my (then) young son involved and in order to expedite proceedings, I gave her approximately 75% of our assets and agreed to generous child support. And I haven't regretted it a single day ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

If that's the case, it will be worth every dime. And I'm also speaking from experience.

 

With my (then) young son involved and in order to expedite proceedings, I gave her approximately 75% of our assets and agreed to generous child support. And I haven't regretted it a single day ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Every divorced man I know either wishes they did something like this or is happy that did.

[dichotomy]

The kids are there with her. They would tell me if he is there.

 

 

And THIS is why I supported you telling them.

[dichotomy]

Here is where everything stands at the moment.

 

1. The recent facebook messages I discovered were in fact NOT breaking off the relationship. She was out with her friend to let her know of the relationship. He was playing his dog and pony of how bad he feels that she is having to go through this but that his love is true and he is standing by her side.

 

2. I took exposure to a new level this Tuesday night. She actually survived the initial exposure(other than the kids). I sent the actual facebook messaging evidence to her parents, close friends and boss.

 

Here is the Wednesday aftermath:

 

1. She threatened me with an Order of Protection if I refused to leave our house. She said she doesn't feel safe with me and fears for our children. She maintained that she was taking all the kids to soccer and if I didn't have them at the house there would be trouble.

 

2. Her parents told her they would not finance her divorce and would not support her financially in the event of a divorce due to her adultery. Her mother then called me and said her daughter is out of her head and I need to focus on my children and myself and make things tough on her. She said I've made it too easy on her in our marriage and she needs a hard dose of reality.

 

3. She totally blocked/deleted me from facebook. It's as if she doesn't exist

 

4. I wrote an email that I wish I could share but due to length I cannot. The email basically stated in a calm fashion that my singular focus is coming to a civil and amicable resolution to our conflict whether it be R or Divorce for te sake of our children.

 

5. I changed my address to a PO Box and I paid cash for a monthly storage building which currently holds every important document, cash, picture etc. I basically whitewashed the house of everything except the furniture, clothes, kitchen items etc. She has no clue.

 

6. My youngest child stayed with me while the wife took the other 2 to soccer practice.

 

7. We all went to bed with no fanfare and I felt she was backing off the threats since my youngest was with me by myself. I filmed a video of her with date stamp and uploaded to a secure storage.

 

Cue up today:

 

1. I was scheduled to go on an overnight business trip. I was concerned impending winter weather would cancel schools thus forcing her to bring my children to her workplace putting them in a position to be alone with AP. Thankfully my trip was delayed for a few hours so I was able to take control of the situation.

 

2. I tell her school is closed and that I wasn't leaving at all. She bristled and started talking the order of protection nonsense. I aske her what she wants in a divorce and she can't answer. She tells me she has a meeting with an attorney @ 9am and will file an Order of Protection if I refuse to leave for the weekend.

 

3. 10 minutes before her attorney appointment I pull out the VAR where I record a 4 minute conversation. In this recorded conversation, I clearly and calmly state that I am going on my work trip and that I would return on Friday night where I would not only stay for the weekend for the foreseeable future. She threatens me the Order of Protection and says she can't believe I'm forcing her to do this. She acknowledges the affair but states more that once than an affair "doesn't matter anymore in marriage proceedings" She basically whitewashes. I mention the AP by name and she says he has nothing to do with this and that we need to be separated. I agreed but I stated since she had the affair she need to go and again she said the affair is irrelevant and doesn't change 13 years of "misery" She ends the conversation by stating she is going to file the Order of Protection and that I am disgusting.

 

4. I call her mother and let her know she is meeting with an attorney to file an Order of Protection and the her mom went off saying this isn't right, you're a good Dad etc.

 

5. I tell my children before I leave that I'm truly sorry for this situation and that his isn't their fault and that both Mommy and Daddy love them very much and we are working to make things right. I also tell them that if the AP is their presence they need to tell me.

 

6. She phones me after the attorney meeting with a more humble, empathetic tone saying I can stay in the house and wants to continue MC.

 

7. I called the MC and asked to move up our appointment because I'm not sure we can make it to Friday with her volatility.

 

I go on my work trip feeling somewhat capable of rest and a decent meal.

 

Here is what is going to happen after discussion with counsel.

 

I'm not saying anything about our marriage until our next MC session. However, when we enter the room the first words out of anyone's mouth are going to be from me and they will consist of something like this

 

"Before we begin, we are wasting our time in this room unless my wife agrees to full transparency and a surgical breakoff with the affair partner. It has to be done swiftly. Anything less and we are wasting everyone's time in ths room and wasting my money"

 

If she doesn't agree to 3-5 day timetable then I am prepared to file for divorce and kick her ass into his arms where she now becomes her problem. If she agrees, I'll take the next step moving forward because I owe it to my kids.

 

I am currently in my work trip in another state and the children and their mother are resting comfortably by themselves at the house.

 

 

Where can I send you a trophy for Bad Ass Betrayed Spouse of 2015?

 

Well done.

 

I particularly like (#6 Cue Up today) where in her attorney probably dashed her fantasy of a protection order.

[No Limit]

I agree with everything you did so far except the MC part bam. She's trying to get you out of the house by force, something a >>>partner<<< shouldn't do. Who cares if her parents won't help her through the divorce? If her AP loves her so much he can do it.

[bamawsp]

I told my wife I wasn't going to our scheduled therapy session for next Friday unless she had broken things off with AP and would commit to total transparency. After an hour or 2 of back and forth texting where I said it's time for AP to actually support her and that was filing for divorce and she blamed me for '13 years of total misery' I decided to call her.

 

I was calm when she answered and basically said therapy is pointless with her having an existing relationship with AP. I was ready to move on and it's time for them to take their relationship to the next level.

 

She responded that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult. She said she would give me her passwords and has broken off the AP. She has begun the process of finding a new job. She asked me in a warm fashion(something she has never done)to come to therapy and that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult and that she loved me. I. WAS. FLOORED. Needless to say my skeptical antenna arose, but I agreed to the MC and have decided to give her 1 more week to see how it plays out.

[HereNorThere]

Wow, it really is like cheater's have a secret handbook or something.

 

It looks like you're handling everything as best to be expected for someone in your shoes. I encourage you to read some of the stories of the poster's who allowed a cheater back into their circle of trust without some sort of consequences. The ones who have partners that still work with or communicate with their AP. Watch how they desperately write post after post, day after day, trying to convince themselves that one day, they'll be their partner's first choice again. They use the same justifications and rationalizations cheaters use to cheat, just to be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

 

You don't want to live like that. If anything, seeing how so many of these cheaters live the exact same lifestyles, should show you that you're better than that. Don't be on here months later trying to convince us that somehow, someway, your broken bird is going to fly again. Don't spend every day worrying that your wife is in the arms of another man. Get out now while she's still being ugly and horrible. The last thing you want is for her to turn nice again and suck you back in. Don't let her get her teeth into you. These women don't hold on, they claw.

[bamawsp]

I told my wife I wasn't going to our scheduled therapy session for next Friday unless she had broken things off with AP and would commit to total transparency. After an hour or 2 of back and forth texting where I said it's time for AP to actually support her and that was filing for divorce and she blamed me for '13 years of total misery' I decided to call her.

 

I was calm when she answered and basically said therapy is pointless with her having an existing relationship with AP. I was ready to move on and it's time for them to take their relationship to the next level.

 

She responded that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult. She said she would give me her passwords and has broken off the AP. She has begun the process of finding a new job. She asked me in a warm fashion(something she has never done)to come to therapy and that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult and that she loved me. I. WAS. FLOORED. Needless to say my skeptical antenna arose, but I agreed to the MC and have decided to give her 1 more week to see how it plays out.

[HereNorThere]

I told my wife I wasn't going to our scheduled therapy session for next Friday unless she had broken things off with AP and would commit to total transparency. After an hour or 2 of back and forth texting where I said it's time for AP to actually support her and that was filing for divorce and she blamed me for '13 years of total misery' I decided to call her.

 

I was calm when she answered and basically said therapy is pointless with her having an existing relationship with AP. I was ready to move on and it's time for them to take their relationship to the next level.

 

She responded that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult. She said she would give me her passwords and has broken off the AP. She has begun the process of finding a new job. She asked me in a warm fashion(something she has never done)to come to therapy and that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult and that she loved me. I. WAS. FLOORED. Needless to say my skeptical antenna arose, but I agreed to the MC and have decided to give her 1 more week to see how it plays out.

 

 

Well, she got a week out of you then. I'm sure she's just hoping that enough time to prepare her soft landing with AP. Surely you aren't falling for this again. Didn't you just figure out your were being duped last Wednesday or something?

 

Stay vigilant.

[bamawsp]

Interesting thought here to there...Care to expound?

[Timshel]

I agree with everything you did so far except the MC part bam. She's trying to get you out of the house by force, something a >>>partner<<< shouldn't do. Who cares if her parents won't help her through the divorce? If her AP loves her so much he can do it.

 

Yes he should. She should get out. This is sick. There is nothing about Love in any of this.

 

I would never turn against my child. That her parents have is telling.

 

Anger, hatred and rage will bring more anger, hatred and rage.

 

I wouldn't want that for anyone I love or myself. But you guys keep preaching hate and contempt and vengeance. Instead of saying walk and maintain love and integrity.

 

Ok