Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[drifter777]

I told my wife I wasn't going to our scheduled therapy session for next Friday unless she had broken things off with AP and would commit to total transparency. After an hour or 2 of back and forth texting where I said it's time for AP to actually support her and that was filing for divorce and she blamed me for '13 years of total misery' I decided to call her.

 

I was calm when she answered and basically said therapy is pointless with her having an existing relationship with AP. I was ready to move on and it's time for them to take their relationship to the next level.

 

She responded that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult. She said she would give me her passwords and has broken off the AP. She has begun the process of finding a new job. She asked me in a warm fashion(something she has never done)to come to therapy and that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult and that she loved me. I. WAS. FLOORED. Needless to say my skeptical antenna arose, but I agreed to the MC and have decided to give her 1 more week to see how it plays out.

Keep your skeptical antenna very high - but this is really good news. Don't stop being relentless in your demand for No Contact with OM. She needs to understand that you have ZERO tolerance for any kind of contact or even attempt to contact. If she fails, you refuse MC and find a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. If this happens you don't have to share with her that you can always stop those proceedings - at least until you scare her straight again.

 

You are not "there" yet, but you know that. Also know that the hell you've gone through to this point might get worse as you try to reconcile. You are likely to discover many more painful, disgusting details and each time these things trickle out it's like a dagger to the heart. There are triggers that will set off mind-movies of her and OM having sex. You will remember the lies and the disrespect and the sheer selfish cruelty she treated you with. This is all part of the deal with attempting to R so be forewarned. Any MC worth a thing will tell you the same thing. And stop any tolerance for her if she is pining for the OM. Firmly tell her to get the F out if that crap starts. Nothing shakes a WW out of "affair fog" like reality. She'll forget him really quick when faced with the prospect of actually losing her marriage.

 

Stay strong.

[HereNorThere]

Dude, you are threatening her whole lifestyle. Of course she's going to do whatever she can to buy her some time. She told you before that she was done with AP and she was lying, so why wouldn't she be lying now? She didn't just sprout morals overnight.

 

Look, it's all about leverage. If she had been remorseful on her own, without exposure, without a threat to her lifestyle, there may be some hope. Instead, she's doing it because you have leverage. She has nothing to lose and everything to gain by keeping you somewhat hopeful. That's the only thing that's going to keep you from more exposure. She's going to keep you waiting in the wings until she is SURE ap has made up his mind, either way.

[bamawsp]

Timshel...they haven't turned their backs on her they just said they wouldn't finance a divorce or support her financially in the event of a divorce due to the AP. They still love and support her emotionally

[HereNorThere]

The exposure to EVERYONE is honestly the best thing you have done so far. There's 2 things cheaters hate more than anything A) being cheated on B) the truth.

 

When you don't expose, you're an enabler, pure and simple. However, you're going to get a lot of hate on this forum for it because it's full of a lot of enablers. Plus, a lot of them don't expose because they're ashamed and I genuinely do feel bad for them. Instead of letting the cheater's poor behavior reflect on the cheater, they let it reflect on themselves. Don't carry around her burden and don't allow her to make you an enabler. You have every right to live in reality. If she wants to live in fantasyland, that's fine, but you don't have to enable it.

 

Besides, this woman would have rewritten history sooo fast on you if you hadn't exposed. I mean, she already has. Things like "order of protection" or about how bad the last 13 years have been, etc are proof of that.

[drifter777]

Dude, you are threatening her whole lifestyle. Of course she's going to do whatever she can to buy her some time. She told you before that she was done with AP and she was lying, so why wouldn't she be lying now? She didn't just sprout morals overnight.

 

Look, it's all about leverage. If she had been remorseful on her own, without exposure, without a threat to her lifestyle, there may be some hope. Instead, she's doing it because you have leverage. She has nothing to lose and everything to gain by keeping you somewhat hopeful. That's the only thing that's going to keep you from more exposure. She's going to keep you waiting in the wings until she is SURE ap has made up his mind, either way.

I mostly agree with this except you aren't giving him any advice as to what to do next. Yes, right now he has leverage because he TOOK it. If she is just pretending to buy time then his insistence on total compliance with NC will either break her under that pressure and she'll choose OM or she'll commit to at least trying to repair the damage she has done and trying to R.

 

I think your advice would be like mine - OP: keep your leverage! No letup, no softening, no "one last time to say goodbye" bullsh*t. Its zero contact or I'm filing for divorce. And remember - you cannot fake the 180. You have to harden your heart and make divorce your first choice in this BUT you are willing to hold off and reevaluate if she meets your demands. Make sure she understands that no matter what happens you are leaning toward divorcing her. You must believe this and be committed to this path or she'll see though it and play you like a fish.

Edited February 27, 2015 by drifter777

[autumnnight]

I mostly agree with this except you aren't giving him any advice as to what to do next. Yes, right now he has leverage because he TOOK it. If she is just pretending to buy time then his insistence on total compliance with NC will either break her under that pressure and she'll choose OM or she'll commit to at least trying to repair the damage she has done and trying to R.

 

I think your advice would be like mine - OP: keep your leverage! No letup, no softening, no "one last time to say goodbye" bullsh*t. Its zero contact or I'm filing for divorce. And remember - you cannot fake the 180. You have to harden your heart and make divorce your first choice in this BUT you are willing to hold off and reevaluate if she meets your demands. Make sure she understands that no matter what happens you are leaning toward divorcing her. You must believe this and be committed to this path or she'll see though it and play you like a fish.

 

This is because his stance is very clearly that no cheater should ever be reconciled with.

 

OP, your W is talking a good game. Watch diligently for consistent and very REAL backing up with action. Words don't matter. And regardless of what passwords she gives, you need to put a keylogger on her computer. It is possible she is willing to give up passwords because she has had time to create other accounts.

[oldshirt]

This is because his stance is very clearly that no cheater should ever be reconciled with.

 

OP, your W is talking a good game. Watch diligently for consistent and very REAL backing up with action. Words don't matter. And regardless of what passwords she gives, you need to put a keylogger on her computer. It is possible she is willing to give up passwords because she has had time to create other accounts.

 

This ^^^^

 

Passwords to her current accounts now are worthless. She has had plenty of time to delete and edit everything and make everything sparkly and clean.

 

You need skylights to fins the new email and Facebook accounts she has set up and VAR s stashed in her car and in the house to hear her talking on the phone you don't know about and GPS trackers to know where she really is.

[oldshirt]

After an hour or 2 of back and forth texting where I said it's time for AP to actually support her and that was filing for divorce and she blamed me for '13 years of total misery' I decided to call her.

 

 

 

 

She responded that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult. She said she would give me her passwords and has broken off the AP. She has begun the process of finding a new job. She asked me in a warm fashion(something she has never done)to come to therapy and that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult and that she loved me.

 

 

Those two paragraphs are conflicting and incongruent. Why the change of heart in 2 hours???

 

If you don't know the answer to that, you'd best be finding out.

[bamawsp]

I'm home. She and I had a pleasant discussion and we are going out tomorrow night. She initially refused and played the 'safety' card. I calmly told her that I had nothing to gain and everything to lose by harming her. I wouldn't do that to her or the children. She said I know you're not violent but people snap in these situations. I then went on to say I had made peace with divorce and that I'm only going to therapy because you asked me in a warm fashion. However, due to your insistence of hitting me with an order of protection, threats of divorce for 13 years and inability to show remorse leading up to this moment I am skeptical of your intentions. I'd like for us to go out and just talk tomorrow night. She finally agreed after saying she had 'given me enough.'. I then told her I was one phone call from from filing for divorce today(I was.) but softening her stance and asking me to come to therapy stopped me from doing so. She turned white and responded, 'I already did.' and then said, 'I'm just kidding'....

[HereNorThere]

There's no reason to play probation officer and it will ultimately make her resent you more.

 

The real end game is - she is who she is. Nothing is going to change what happened, nothing is going to make her "come around." You either accept that this is who she is and what she is capable of, or you don't. However, there is no going back. You know this is a part of her and now it's up to you to decide whether you deserve better or not.

 

 

"I already did" ...... Ooooo this chick is cruel.

Edited February 28, 2015 by HereNorThere

[bamawsp]

Sidenote: Her BFF called from another state while we were talking. As the phone was ringing she asked me if I had told her about the affair. I told her I had not(I considered it but decided against it) but what shocked me even more was that she hadn't.

 

Facts are surgical exposure works. I know this will rile up the feminists but exposing to the kids worked as well. My kids still adore their mother. However, they have a mean on for AP and that's how it should be.

[bamawsp]

Those two paragraphs are conflicting and incongruent. Why the change of heart in 2 hours???

 

If you don't know the answer to that, you'd best be finding out.

 

 

Shirt, I asked her and she said she was tired of the tit for tat games and wanted to try being an adult for awhile. I remain skeptical

[road]

I told my wife I wasn't going to our scheduled therapy session for next Friday unless she had broken things off with AP and would commit to total transparency. After an hour or 2 of back and forth texting where I said it's time for AP to actually support her and that was filing for divorce and she blamed me for '13 years of total misery' I decided to call her.

 

I was calm when she answered and basically said therapy is pointless with her having an existing relationship with AP. I was ready to move on and it's time for them to take their relationship to the next level.

 

She responded that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult. She said she would give me her passwords and has broken off the AP. She has begun the process of finding a new job. She asked me in a warm fashion(something she has never done)to come to therapy and that she is tired of the games and ready to be an adult and that she loved me. I. WAS. FLOORED. Needless to say my skeptical antenna arose, but I agreed to the MC and have decided to give her 1 more week to see how it plays out.

 

 

 

Normal WW response to a exposure that was done well. The OM threw her under the bus for he is scrambling to save his marriage and job.

 

 

The affair has lost it's luster now that everyone knows about it so the WW has to face her behavior as being wrong.

 

 

So stay calm and hold the course.

[autumnnight]

Isn't the OM single?

 

Sorry, one of my pet peeves is canned stuff without reading. It happens a lot other places - just a wall of quotes and such.

[bamawsp]

Normal WW response to a exposure that was done well. The OM threw her under the bus for he is scrambling to save his marriage and job.

 

 

The affair has lost it's luster now that everyone knows about it so the WW has to face her behavior as being wrong.

 

 

So stay calm and hold the course.

 

road that is definitely plausible but OM is 47 and never been married. The job factor is quite interesting. The evidence I sent the owner of the company intentionally makes my wife look like a victim while he admits causing pain to my wife and children. Interesting theory.

[whichwayisup]

I'm home. She and I had a pleasant discussion and we are going out tomorrow night. She initially refused and played the 'safety' card. I calmly told her that I had nothing to gain and everything to lose by harming her. I wouldn't do that to her or the children. She said I know you're not violent but people snap in these situations. I then went on to say I had made peace with divorce and that I'm only going to therapy because you asked me in a warm fashion. However, due to your insistence of hitting me with an order of protection, threats of divorce for 13 years and inability to show remorse leading up to this moment I am skeptical of your intentions. I'd like for us to go out and just talk tomorrow night. She finally agreed after saying she had 'given me enough.'. I then told her I was one phone call from from filing for divorce today(I was.) but softening her stance and asking me to come to therapy stopped me from doing so. She turned white and responded, 'I already did.' and then said, 'I'm just kidding'....

She (may) have the papers ready. Don't trust her.

[Hope Shimmers]

When you don't expose, you're an enabler, pure and simple. However, you're going to get a lot of hate on this forum for it because it's full of a lot of enablers. Plus, a lot of them don't expose because they're ashamed and I genuinely do feel bad for them. Instead of letting the cheater's poor behavior reflect on the cheater, they let it reflect on themselves.

 

No. The issue is who you expose to. What goes on in marriages should be private business and everyone within shouting distance should not be privy to the details.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm home. She and I had a pleasant discussion and we are going out tomorrow night. She initially refused and played the 'safety' card. I calmly told her that I had nothing to gain and everything to lose by harming her. I wouldn't do that to her or the children. She said I know you're not violent but people snap in these situations. I then went on to say I had made peace with divorce and that I'm only going to therapy because you asked me in a warm fashion. However, due to your insistence of hitting me with an order of protection, threats of divorce for 13 years and inability to show remorse leading up to this moment I am skeptical of your intentions. I'd like for us to go out and just talk tomorrow night. She finally agreed after saying she had 'given me enough.'. I then told her I was one phone call from from filing for divorce today(I was.) but softening her stance and asking me to come to therapy stopped me from doing so. She turned white and responded, 'I already did.' and then said, 'I'm just kidding'....

 

Why do you want her so much that you would put up with being second place? If I were in your shoes I would already have filed.

[gettingstronger]

When you don't expose, you're an enabler, pure and simple. However, you're going to get a lot of hate on this forum for it because it's full of a lot of enablers. Plus, a lot of them don't expose because they're ashamed and I genuinely do feel bad for them. Instead of letting the cheater's poor behavior reflect on the cheater, they let it reflect on themselves.

 

 

 

Disagree- I did not expose because I wanted reconciliation to be about us-I did not want outside influences having an opinion on what we should and shouldn't be doing in our marriage-

Am I ashamed of my husband behavior-you bet- does it reflect on me-no

[bamawsp]

I'm trying to demonstrate a smidge of mercy and grace for the sake of my kids. I'm only giving her 1 therapy session. Not sure what more she could do to me. I've already made peace with a divorce and will do so at the drop of a dime. And again I didn't expose the affair while shouting from the rooftop. My exposure was so effective it just seemed like it. In fact, it was so effective I'm actually feeling a tad guilty.

Edited February 28, 2015 by bamawsp

[Selfish]

I'm trying to demonstrate a smidge of mercy and grace for the sake of my kids. I'm only giving her 1 therapy session. Not sure what more she could do to me. I've already made peace with a divorce and will do so at the drop of a dime. And again I didn't expose the affair while shouting from the rooftop. My exposure was so effective it just seemed like it. In fact, it was so effective I'm actually feeling a tad guilty.

 

Effective how? What have you actually gained from it? It seems to me the lawyer told your wife where she stood and then she decided a new tactic was needed...

 

Honestly this whole thing is starting to leave me thinking there is a lot more to the story (or less) than has been told. It just isn't adding up.

 

Kids may be a good incentive to attempt reconciliation with a remorseful wayward spouse. But this? Not so sure.

[bamawsp]

The attorney talked her out of filing the Order of Protection on Thursday morning. She was still singing her normal tune until this afternoon. Something happened to soften her stance and I'm as perplexed as you are. I was 1 phone call away from filing a divorce.

[beach]

Why didn't you at least "file"? You can always cancel it later.

 

Do you even know what your wife is "really" up to? I don't think so - seems she still has you eating out of her hand.

 

Did she give passwords yet? Offer them, even?

 

Did she tell her best friend what she's done? Did she offer her truth?

 

Did she quit the job on the spot to spare you more hurt feelings?

 

Have you moved money to your name ONLY to protect yourself? Have you installed a key logger and an app to track her phone? Place voice recorders in her purse and car?

 

What are you DOING to find out what her motivation is for all this gross manipulation?

 

Start finding out.

 

And don't believe a word she says - she's a liar.

[Selfish]

Why didn't you at least "file"? You can always cancel it later.

 

Do you even know what your wife is "really" up to? I don't think so - seems she still has you eating out of her hand.

 

Did she give passwords yet? Offer them, even?

 

Did she tell her best friend what she's done? Did she offer her truth?

 

Did she quit the job on the spot to spare you more hurt feelings?

 

Have you moved money to your name ONLY to protect yourself? Have you installed a key logger and an app to track her phone? Place voice recorders in her purse and car?

 

What are you DOING to find out what her motivation is for all this gross manipulation?

 

Start finding out.

 

And don't believe a word she says - she's a liar.

 

Beach, the least you could do is put the effort into reading only the OP's posts. This post just appears to be form rhetoric. Not to mention also some illegal advice.

[drifter777]

I just feel I have to finish my contribution to this thread by observing the obvious - another BH paralyzed with shock and grief who is being swallowed up by denial.