Selfish Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 The attorney talked her out of filing the Order of Protection on Thursday morning. She was still singing her normal tune until this afternoon. Something happened to soften her stance and I'm as perplexed as you are. I was 1 phone call away from filing a divorce. Or she mulled over what the attorney said (could have been also about where she stands financially) and she decided to play nice. Maybe she didn't want you to think it was that so she waited a but before switching gears. Or she suddenly cares and has decided to mend her ways and be a good little wife (despite the last few digs) Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I agree Drifter and to be honest, I am coming to the realization my marriage is over and my heart is breaking for my sweet children. I had a marvelous dinner with 2 of my children tonight(3rd one is at a sleepover). We were happy, relaxed and just enjoying the moment. She returned home from her monthly ladies night and was her usual hateful self. I wasn't even worried at the thought she might have been with AP. Its time to get my life back and focus on being a Dad exclusively. I'll get her when the time is right but I am DONE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Or she mulled over what the attorney said (could have been also about where she stands financially) and she decided to play nice. Maybe she didn't want you to think it was that so she waited a but before switching gears. Or she suddenly cares and has decided to mend her ways and be a good little wife (despite the last few digs) She isn't capable of being a good wife or experiencing joy. She cannot receive or accept love or grace. She is petrified of the unknown. She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact. My MIL is humiliated and said AP isn't allowed in her home. I feel bad for them because they have supported us both throughout our marriage. This is truly a sad situation but I can't take her bull schitt any more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Be very careful around her. The fact that she keeps mentioning violence makes me wonder what she might have in mind. Don't go out with her to any place, least you get arrested for beating her and she uses restaurant servants as evidence you two were at certain places before this and that happened. This woman blamed you for 13 years of misery. This marriage is deader than her original picture of OM and their "relationship" will be in a few days time after the divorce is finalized. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact Please explain further. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Voice activated recorder, carry it on you at all times you are around her. It could keep you from facing a false charge. The best proof that you are done with her games is to start the paperwork and give her until the final decree to fight for the marriage. If she doesn't your done with her and you save yourself 6 additional months of pain. Your the prize and if reconciliation is in the cards make sure it includes a post nuptial giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Just be sure that staying married to an unfaithful wife is what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) I'm not seeing how trying to keep this marriage intact is benefiting your kids. To be honest your marriage sounds like a train wreck, one that both of you have put on full display for your children and have placed them square in the middle of. You can still do right by your kids and not be together. I have no idea why so many people seem to have this knee jerk assumption that two parents living together in the same home is automatically in the best interest of the children no matter how ****ed up the marriage and relationship between the parents actually is. The two of you could go your separate ways, have positive relationships with other people, and show your children what a healthy relationship actually does look like. You don't have to live together to co-parent your children. At this point in time it doesn't sound like either one of you are showing your children what a healthy relationship is anyway. Edited February 28, 2015 by JS84 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact. You didn't have a family 13 years ago. Your kids are 12, 10 and 7. Why the heck did you have kids, and then continue to have one after another in a marriage that you describe as terrible before the first was even born? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) Reading over the past day or two of entries, Herenorthere is doing an excellent job of shining a cold, hard light on all of this. OP, NC/LC is so strongly preached on LoveShack because it's the first step in providing emotional clarity. You have not attempted that. You've been batted around silly this entire time. Even your gained footholds are only as valuable as the dunghill you are climbing. Additionally, the WW has not benefited from the clarity that NC/LC provides. All of her concessions are lip service. Her "I already did" joke is no different from her snide "We'll see about that." She has clearly demonstrated that nothing has changed. It's also fascinating to me that the WW can make comments like "I'm ready to be an adult" and avow to leave her job while still being so clearly internally invested in the AP. It reminds me of sleepwalking where the somnambulist is able to perform tasks like driving a car while still being in a trance. I feel, as I suspect you are starting to feel, that if you stop the ascent and step away from this, you'll see that what you are climbing is not worth the struggle. Edited February 28, 2015 by SycamoreCircle Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Op. Sorry if I sound too harsh but the truth is always bitter. Your WW have been making a fool of you for 13years. However, by you forcing reconciliation on her and trying to patch up things with her even after her cheating, non remorsefulness and emotional unavailability you are only making a fool of your self. Op, where is your value? You marriage is very unhealthy for healthy growth and development of your children. End it now. No rational human being will remaind in marriage with a person like your wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She isn't capable of being a good wife or experiencing joy. She cannot receive or accept love or grace. She is petrified of the unknown. She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact. My MIL is humiliated and said AP isn't allowed in her home. I feel bad for them because they have supported us both throughout our marriage. This is truly a sad situation but I can't take her bull schitt any more. Do not rely on the MIL to take your side indefinitely, her priority is most likely her grand-children and she will do anything to make sure she still sees them, so if your W ends up with the AP, then your MIL's loyalty to you may change. She will be very keen to play happy families and if she has to tolerate the AP to keep in regular contact with her grand children she will do so. Same with your wife's friends, they may take your side to your face, but I guess when push comes to shove, they are her friends after all. Do you have any friends of your own, that you could turn to for support that are not tied up with your wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I'm trying to demonstrate a smidge of mercy and grace for the sake of my kids. I'm only giving her 1 therapy session. Not sure what more she could do to me. I've already made peace with a divorce and will do so at the drop of a dime. And again I didn't expose the affair while shouting from the rooftop. My exposure was so effective it just seemed like it. In fact, it was so effective I'm actually feeling a tad guilty. 13 years ago, no kids, didn't D Now 3 kids, same issues, no D There's always an excuse not to D isn't there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) I agree Drifter and to be honest, I am coming to the realization my marriage is over and my heart is breaking for my sweet children. I had a marvelous dinner with 2 of my children tonight(3rd one is at a sleepover). We were happy, relaxed and just enjoying the moment. She returned home from her monthly ladies night and was her usual hateful self. I wasn't even worried at the thought she might have been with AP. Its time to get my life back and focus on being a Dad exclusively. I'll get her when the time is right but I am DONE. Yes I think you are done. For what ever reasons (yet unexplained) you state you wife feels she has been unhappy or miserable for a LONG time in the marriage. Beyond the affair, this is kind of what sticks in my mind - she has long term resentment over the marriage and you. I dont see a way to fix this. Based on this - I dont trust a thing she says - I think her world is crumbling around her, her fantasies of AP whisking her away, of the courts making you stay away and punishing you, of support from family and friends for her long time suffering int he marriage...its all vanished. She is just gyrating to hold on to something and alternating between lashing out and panic and being nice. Dont trust her one bit, expect her (like with protection order attempt) to try anything against you...and I mean consider the worst like accusing you of abuse to her or your kids. She may go for excessive child support, alimony, and more once this ends. If she gets shared custody, or even primary residential custody of the kids, I worry for you that games over visitations, exchange of kids for weekends, co parenting issues, and more - to continue. I am sorry for all that's happening, but you have had some good control of things lately and you can handle it. Edited February 28, 2015 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact. Do you really want another X amount of years with her holding divorce over you. I think because she knows you don't want a divorce she has threatened this. My coworker said her H threatened D throughout their 20 year marriage. Then one day he said it again and she said fone, let's do it. He was in shock and went as white as a sheet, but for her there was no going back and she filed. This is truly a sad situation but I can't take her bull schitt any more. Take care of yourself and your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Op. Sorry if I sound too harsh but the truth is always bitter. Your WW have been making a fool of you for 13years. However, by you forcing reconciliation on her and trying to patch up things with her even after her cheating, non remorsefulness and emotional unavailability you are only making a fool of your self. Op, where is your value? You marriage is very unhealthy for healthy growth and development of your children. End it now. No rational human being will remaind in marriage with a person like your wife. Where did you get that she has been making a fool of him for 13 years? Seriously, I get that being a BS is horrific, but we need to learn the fine art of distinguishing our own WS and our own unresolved...whatever with the actual thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 So I told the wife I wasn't going to therapy and I am dissolving our marriage because she refuses to take the necessary steps to terminate her A or AP. She said that's what therapy is for and that I am a coward. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 So I told the wife I wasn't going to therapy and I am dissolving our marriage because she refuses to take the necessary steps to terminate her A or AP. She said that's what therapy is for and that I am a coward. I don't think you are a coward. I think this is the best decision for both of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 So I told the wife I wasn't going to therapy and I am dissolving our marriage because she refuses to take the necessary steps to terminate her A or AP. She said that's what therapy is for and that I am a coward. so in other words she thinks it's the therapists job to try to get her to end the A?? You are correct in this instance, therapy is a waste of time and money as long as someone is still involved with an AP. Therapy can often help two people that want to be married to each other and are both committed to trying to save the marriage, to peel back the layers and learn effective ways to address their issues. Therapy does not turn cheating potheads who hate their husbands and blame them for all their problems into nice, sober, loving, faithful wives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I'm not seeing how trying to keep this marriage intact is benefiting your kids. To be honest your marriage sounds like a train wreck, one that both of you have put on full display for your children and have placed them square in the middle of. You can still do right by your kids and not be together. I have no idea why so many people seem to have this knee jerk assumption that two parents living together in the same home is automatically in the best interest of the children no matter how ****ed up the marriage and relationship between the parents actually is. The two of you could go your separate ways, have positive relationships with other people, and show your children what a healthy relationship actually does look like. You don't have to live together to co-parent your children. At this point in time it doesn't sound like either one of you are showing your children what a healthy relationship is anyway. This is true. This is something that needs to change throughout the entire culture. People have this knee-jerk response that they must remain together "for the children" despite how much hostility and chaos and venom is in the marriage. Children need to parents who love them and support them and provide them with a sane and safe environment. There isn't anything in the world that says that cannot be done from two different houses. Children are negatively impacted by abuse, violence/hostility, chemical abuse, chronic infidelity, chronic open bitterness and resentment between parents etc etc etc. They are not negatively impacted by two parents who are cooperatively coparenting from two separate houses and are maintaining two sane, safe, loving, supportive houses that are free of fighting and hostility and name calling and threats and blah blah blah. You are causing the kids more harm by living in a high drama, high hostility, chaotic home with two bickering and hostile parents, than you by having them in two sane and supportive homes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Let's not sling any unnecessary mud at potheads...ahem...ahem. Ahem...dang, strong stuff. OK, onward---I think there was a misreading of something the OP wrote earlier. I don't think Bama was saying that the marriage has been a disaster for the last 13 years and that divorce has been hung over his head for all of those years. I think that was a miscommunication. Or am I wrong? Yes, the wife claims that she's been miserable these past 13 years, but only now is she claiming that. OP, am I wrong? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She isn't capable of being a good wife or experiencing joy. She cannot receive or accept love or grace. She is petrified of the unknown. She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact. My MIL is humiliated and said AP isn't allowed in her home. I feel bad for them because they have supported us both throughout our marriage. This is truly a sad situation but I can't take her bull schitt any more. OK, onward---I think there was a misreading of something the OP wrote earlier. I don't think Bama was saying that the marriage has been a disaster for the last 13 years and that divorce has been hung over his head for all of those years. I think that was a miscommunication. Or am I wrong? You are wrong - see bold Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 OP, You need to figure out what is broken inside of you. To be a better person for your kids. You also need support. I'd get in IC quickly. It will help with the divorce and your healing and helping you see where you need to change. Because something is seriously amiss in this. A healthy person does not put up with that and have kids for thirteen years. Or it really was your wife putting up with something (and we know for sure she isn't healthy) And before i'm jumped on I'm talking about the marriage. The cheatinf and her behaviour now is on her. And her descision to stay and be miserable and have kids is on her has well. But so is whatever he did in that time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Well, if that is the case, I'm going to have to take back some of the generosity I've shown you, OP, over the course of this thread. She's been threatening divorce for 13 years and you've stayed with her?! Pardon my French, but what the he11 is wrong with you?! Loving couples don't use the D-word around each other. Also, I can't believe this is the first time she's cheated. I feel like you've been very selective of the information you've provided LS with. You didn't seem to apply such a filter to your children, poor things. Just what is going on in that household? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Well, if that is the case, I'm going to have to take back some of the generosity I've shown you, OP, over the course of this thread. She's been threatening divorce for 13 years and you've stayed with her?! Pardon my French, but what the he11 is wrong with you?! Loving couples don't use the D-word around each other. Also, I can't believe this is the first time she's cheated. I feel like you've been very selective of the information you've provided LS with. You didn't seem to apply such a filter to your children, poor things. Just what is going on in that household? This is what I was digging at earlier. Something is off. And not just her switch to nice (that didn't las long). Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 This is what I was digging at earlier. Something is off. And not just her switch to nice (that didn't las long).The other thing is it really casts OP's "exposure blow up" in a negative light. I mean, if you've been seeing signs for 13 years that your wife is not on board and then lo and behold you find out last week she's having an affair with a co-worker, what right do you have to tear down everything in her world? Granted she should have taken the initiative to get out of the marriage, as well. She's not absolved of her guilt. But this just sounds like a stew of bad choices and people not owning up to reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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