oldshirt Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 However, due to your insistence of hitting me with an order of protection, threats of divorce for 13 years and inability to show remorse leading up to this moment I am skeptical of your intentions. .... She has held divorce over my head for 13 years while I've fought like hell to keep the family in tact. Sycamore - I interpret these statements as saying she has been threatening divorce for 13 years. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 You want to have a chance at saving your marriage then do not make hasty decisions. You got great results from the exposure. WW as many do are knock for a loop and are on the ropes. A steady hand can finish this affair with NC, and give the time for the WW to realize what damage she has done and opportunity to save the family. It is unrealistic to expect a WW to go to Stepford Wife in 24 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 OP: From everything you've posted here I'd say you are a classic codependent and your WW a classic narcissist. And for that reason its very possible for you to have a long and miserable marriage. Codependents use denial to shelter them from the reality of a bad spouse. They learned this important lesson growing up in a home with an addicted or narcissistic parent. Its hard to break the pattern so getting in to IC is probably the only way you will ever learn how to face reality. You should do some research on codependency and see how it fits your life situation. Codependents will do anything to save the family - do it for the kids. But the fact is they do it for themselves and their own desperate need for security. Growing up in your home pretty much means your kids are going to follow in your footsteps. They need security and with the mess going on right now they too will turn to denial to find it. Even though its not real - its better than nothing. Read about the narcissist/codependent relationship. It might help you understand why you are behaving so erratically right now. And that might help you find and keep the strength to hold your ground and protect your kids. Forget MC - go to IC and take care of yourself. Harden your heart and turn away from your selfish, cheating wife and don't look back. True 180 is hard and tough and unrelenting. And consistent. Find a lawyer and get the divorce going ASAP. Move forward for yourself so you can truly be there for your kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 You want to have a chance at saving your marriage then do not make hasty decisions. You got great results from the exposure. WW as many do are knock for a loop and are on the ropes. A steady hand can finish this affair with NC, and give the time for the WW to realize what damage she has done and opportunity to save the family. It is unrealistic to expect a WW to go to Stepford Wife in 24 hours. He didn't get "great" results from the exposure. What he got was a bunch of drama, screaming and yelling, broken relationships with family, and kids stuck directly in the middle of a nasty vindictive marital fight. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 He didn't get "great" results from the exposure. What he got was a bunch of drama, screaming and yelling, broken relationships with family, and kids stuck directly in the middle of a nasty vindictive marital fight. You are right - results not all great. But I give credit for doing something to claim his manhood and fight for his family. His subsequent actions have been soft then hard then soft again. This gives WW permission to keep running him over and blaming him for being in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I hinted to this before, but OP isn't really interested in saving his marriage, he no longer wants to be married to his wife. This is ego driven and a game to be "WON". Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Threatening a divorce over 13 yrs is cruel. What really has been going on in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Threatening a divorce over 13 yrs is cruel. What really has been going on in your marriage? They have been married 13 years, and the oldest is 12. This brings 3 scenarios to mind: 1. She got pregnant, and that is why they married. This does not bode well for reconciliation because she may not have been 100% all in with the marriage at all. It would also expplain why they are still together if she has, in fact, been threatening D the entire time 2. They were both a bit older when they married and wanted to try for kids right away. This would be the scenario with the most hope 3. They are both a part of a very fundamentalist church where birth control is highly frowned upon. If that is the case, then the other tenets of the church are likely quite stringent as well, with very little emphasis on grace. That bodes the least hopeful for reconciliation. Because the OP will likely never be able to move forward with a wife who did something so horrible (and an A IS very horrible), and even if she DOES become humble, repentant, and remorseful, no matter what she does it will likely never be enough In scenario 1 or 3 I would recommend immediate divorce. Anything else is just postponing the inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) This is true. This is something that needs to change throughout the entire culture. People have this knee-jerk response that they must remain together "for the children" despite how much hostility and chaos and venom is in the marriage. Children need to parents who love them and support them and provide them with a sane and safe environment. There isn't anything in the world that says that cannot be done from two different houses. Children are negatively impacted by abuse, violence/hostility, chemical abuse, chronic infidelity, chronic open bitterness and resentment between parents etc etc etc. They are not negatively impacted by two parents who are cooperatively coparenting from two separate houses and are maintaining two sane, safe, loving, supportive houses that are free of fighting and hostility and name calling and threats and blah blah blah. You are causing the kids more harm by living in a high drama, high hostility, chaotic home with two bickering and hostile parents, than you by having them in two sane and supportive homes. I think divorce is recommended here and in many harmful marriages. Some good points. However - I just think too many people think that once the divorce is over and their in separate homes that some how the hostilities, high drama, and bickering will stop. Not likely in some cases- especially when one of the spouses is a nasty cheating resentful peace of work. I am a step dad, and can't tell you how many tears, hostility, and even police calls and more took place within my OWN home from her ex husband over his kid. Nasty selfish bitter vengeful spouses can remain that way even when divorced in separate homes - and sometimes both remain unhappy and use the kids and still fight via distance. Screaming over the phone over visitations, parenting decisions, vacations, money, medical bills, saying horrible things to the kids about the ex spouse, and then of course what happens when mommy and daddy are going through the process of dating around and having new potential moms and dads in and out of the kids lives. Yes divorce - but just keep this in mind Edited February 28, 2015 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I think divorce is recommended here and in many harmful marriages. Some good points. However - I just think too many people think that once the divorce is over and their in separate homes that some how the hostilities, high drama, and bickering will stop. Not likely in some cases- especially when one of the spouses is a nasty cheating resentful peace of work. I am a step dad, and can't tell you how many tears, hostility, and even police calls and more took place within my OWN home from her ex husband over his kid. Nasty selfish bitter vengeful spouses can remain that way even when divorced in separate homes - and sometimes both remain unhappy and use the kids and still fight via distance. Screaming over the phone over visitations, parenting decisions, vacations, money, medical bills, saying horrible things to the kids about the ex spouse, and then of course what happens when mommy and daddy are going through the process of dating around and having new potential moms and dads in and out of the kids lives. Yes divorce - but just keep this in mind That is exactly the reason I felt the OP shouldn't be making a bogeyman out of the AP in front of his kids, if the intention is to divorce. bamawsp wrote:- "...they (the kids) have a mean on for AP and that's how it should be." - Er no, they may end up living with this man. They only hate the AP because daddy told them to. This is using kids as weapons, without thinking about what the poor little souls may have to go through later. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 That is exactly the reason I felt the OP shouldn't be making a bogeyman out of the AP in front of his kids, if the intention is to divorce. bamawsp wrote:- "...they (the kids) have a mean on for AP and that's how it should be." - Er no, they may end up living with this man. They only hate the AP because daddy told them to. This is using kids as weapons, without thinking about what the poor little souls may have to go through later. They should never accept the OM into their lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 They should never accept the OM into their lives. If the couple divorce and the W and the OM set up house together, then he will be the kids step dad, so are you seriously suggesting the kids never interact with their step dad??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 They should never accept the OM into their lives. Sigh* I'm really starting to think Road is some sort of crazy cult follower. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If the couple divorce and the W and the OM set up house together, then he will be the kids step dad, so are you seriously suggesting the kids never interact with their step dad??? Don't bother, elaine. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Sigh* I'm really starting to think Road is some sort of crazy cult follower. Ten characters Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Is she still working at the same place? Coworker she had the affair with still in her work environment? If so, why hasn't she changed jobs? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Is she still working at the same place? Coworker she had the affair with still in her work environment? If so, why hasn't she changed jobs? Didn't a lot of this stuff blow up like Monday? Or Wednesday? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Didn't a lot of this stuff blow up like Monday? Or Wednesday? His exposing her did. But let's face it - the wife is still seeing the OM and still working in that job - as far as we can tell. So she hasn't been making effort to change things. She's just trying to be clever about continuing the affair and manipulating OP. But he still allows it. That's the part he isn't realizing. As long as he stays or engages with her he's allowing her to do this even longer. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 So I told the wife I wasn't going to therapy and I am dissolving our marriage because she refuses to take the necessary steps to terminate her A or AP. She said that's what therapy is for and that I am a coward. You're definitely no coward. You're just not stupid enough to let her manipulate you (although in her narcissistic mind that too is a reason for you to apologize). Amazing how deep in denial she is, hoping to put all responsibility on the therapist. It's good you spared yourself the useless talk, this way the therapist also might spend his time with couples that actually need fixing. She doesn't need a marriage counselor, she needs individual counseling with a very experienced psychologist. I'm so sorry for your in-laws. And, to take some pressure off your nerves; don't let any of her insults get to you. She cannot be trusted anymore and she's unable to think or judge anymore. Think of her as someone with a mental handicap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 If the couple divorce and the W and the OM set up house together, then he will be the kids step dad, so are you seriously suggesting the kids never interact with their step dad??? How can you suggest that the kids accept the man that attacked their dads marriage, broke up their family and home, that they only get to see there dad half the time, have to go back and forth between two houses? Then how are these kids to accept the OM as a role model, authority figure, when the OM's behavior shows that his morals are lacking, that he is a selfish person? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Sigh* I'm really starting to think Road is some sort of crazy cult follower. I am not the one saying to drink up the Kool-Aid Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 road....Elaine has been sympathetic to my wife since I first posted. My wife would never end up with OM and that is 100% fact. I just take that kind of hate with a grain of salt. Others have been awesome though. I've received some great advice from folks who have followed this thread from the beginning. Not all of my feedback from these posters has been roses and sunshine but I respect where they are coming from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 How can you suggest that the kids accept the man that attacked their dads marriage, broke up their family and home, that they only get to see there dad half the time, have to go back and forth between two houses? Then how are these kids to accept the OM as a role model, authority figure, when the OM's behavior shows that his morals are lacking, that he is a selfish person? Because that's the way real life works, road. The kids come first. Their interests and needs come before anger, resentment, and bitterness on the part of the BS. That's just what you DO when you have kids. You put your own needs behind those of your kids, you suck it up, and you DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM. And it is NOT best for kids to be used as pawns, to be put in the middle of venomous, emotional adult situations. Therefore, no matter how wronged the BS was, s/he bites the tongue and does not set the kids up to hate the person they may end up having to live with in a 'step-child/step-parent' relationship. The kids have to be kept out of it so they aren't poisoned against the parent (who is STILL THEIR PARENT) or the parent's subsequent relationship, even if it was wrong wrong WRONG to the BS. The issues with the marriage are separate from parenting. THAT is what being a good parent is about. The kids don't have to accept the OM as a 'role model'. They do, however, have to respect his role if he does become a step-parent to them. I will add one thing though - eventually the kids will figure things out for themselves. The parent who acts with respect and with their best interests in mind and heart will earn their respect and trust in the end, believe me. I know this because I lived it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I am not the one saying to drink up the Kool-Aid That is debatable... bam, You've skipped and ignored a lot of questions. Like if you actually called your wife a whore in front of the kids. And what exactly the problems were in this marriage leading up to this and why you chose to stay despite her holding divorce over your head (which was obviously an idle threat because she still isn't divorcing you even now.) Link to post Share on other sites
FallenA Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 As a BS myself the thoughts of exposing this kind of thing to young children is abhorrent. I think you made a mistake there that will affect your children long into the future. Forget your wife & focus on fixing the damage that has been done to your children by both of you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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