Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[elaine567]

road....Elaine has been sympathetic to my wife since I first posted. My wife would never end up with OM and that is 100% fact. I just take that kind of hate with a grain of salt. Others have been awesome though. I've received some great advice from folks who have followed this thread from the beginning. Not all of my feedback from these posters has been roses and sunshine but I respect where they are coming from.

 

I have not been sympathetic to your wife but I have been consistently sympathetic to your kids and that I still stand by.

[road]

 

 

 

 

The kids don't have to accept the OM as a 'role model'. They do, however, have to respect his role if he does become a step-parent to them.

 

 

 

No they do not owe the OM anything. It is the OM that transgressed and sinned against them. The OM did not come by the role as step dad in an honorable manor.

 

 

The OM has no moral standing. The OM just because he got their mom on her back with her legs bent back over her head in no way shape or form makes the OM an up standing man that is to be respected.

 

 

We are not talking about a honorable man that the mom got divorced first before she even met the this new man or was a she became a widow first then met her new man. This second husband did nothing to cause harm to the step kids.

[Hope Shimmers]

No they do not owe the OM anything. It is the OM that transgressed and sinned against them. The OM did not come by the role as step dad in an honorable manor.

 

The OM has no moral standing. The OM just because he got their mom on her back with her legs bent back over her head in no way shape or form makes the OM an up standing man that is to be respected.

 

We are not talking about a honorable man that the mom got divorced first before she even met the this new man or was a she became a widow first then met her new man. This second husband did nothing to cause harm to the step kids.

 

You totally missed my point. It is not about "owing" the OM anything. Why can't you see that?

 

The OM has no moral standing in the marriage, true. That is separate from parenting. When you are a parent (you clearly aren't or you would get this), you move beyond issues of moral standing in the marriage and you think about what the kids may need to deal with in the future. And you don't poison them against their other parent, first of all - and you also don't poison them against any relationship that their other parent may choose to have. Because they WILL spend time (maybe most or all of their time) as part of that new household.

[obtuseedge]

What she did was not right. But you sound like an *******. I'm sure that's one of the reasons why she had the affair.

[road]

You totally missed my point. It is not about "owing" the OM anything. Why can't you see that?

 

The OM has no moral standing in the marriage, true. That is separate from parenting. When you are a parent (you clearly aren't or you would get this), you move beyond issues of moral standing in the marriage and you think about what the kids may need to deal with in the future. And you don't poison them against their other parent, first of all - and you also don't poison them against any relationship that their other parent may choose to have. Because they WILL spend time (maybe most or all of their time) as part of that new household.

 

 

 

Not about poisoning them against their mom. The mom did that on her own by her affair. I sorry everything has a consequence. Though being they are her children they need to speak calmly with her. Just as their dad needs to lead the way, teaching by example and not call their mom names either.

 

There is no way an OM can justify that his OW's kids must accept him or even be civil to him after how his actions devastated the lives of those kids.

[FallenA]

What she did was not right. But you sound like an *******. I'm sure that's one of the reasons why she had the affair.

Yes he does but that is not a credible reason to have an affair. If he's a dick then sort it out or leave him. Don't cheat.

He was still wrong to involve the kids though.

[FallenA]

Not about poisoning them against their mom. The mom did that on her own by her affair. I sorry everything has a consequence. Though being they are her children they need to speak calmly with her. Just as their dad needs to lead the way, teaching by example and not call their mom names either.

 

There is no way an OM can justify that his OW's kids must accept him or even be civil to him after how his actions devastated the lives of those kids.

Those kids should not have known about this at their age.

The mom cheated on the dad not the kids. They are innocent in all of this & should not be dragged into such a mess.

[Hope Shimmers]

Not about poisoning them against their mom. The mom did that on her own by her affair. I sorry everything has a consequence. Though being they are her children they need to speak calmly with her. Just as their dad needs to lead the way, teaching by example and not call their mom names either.

 

Exactly. But that isn't what happened, is it? Instead their dad screamed it from the rooftops to everyone who would listen, and called her a whore to their kids. And deliberately put his kids in the middle of it.

 

Whatever the mom did to the marriage should stay in the marriage. It's not about the kids. Her 'consequence' should not have anything to do with the kids.

 

We won't ever agree. So I'll agree to disagree with your principles.

[DukeNukem47]

OP, I understand where you're coming from. You sound a lot like me (emotional and, at times, you react first and think later).

 

I don't think that outing her to everybody was a bad idea for the same reasons that everyone else seems to (your kids SHOULD know that their mother is a whore).

 

However, you could have used this time to gather evidence and take her to the cleaners in divorce court (you could have filed for an at-fault divorce if you live in states that still allow it). THEN, you out her (with evidence) when it's all said and done.

 

I think the message you should be sending your daughters now is to not be a whore like their mother.

[FallenA]

OP, I understand where you're coming from. You sound a lot like me (emotional and, at times, you react first and think later).

 

I don't think that outing her to everybody was a bad idea for the same reasons that everyone else seems to (your kids SHOULD know that their mother is a whore).

 

However, you could have used this time to gather evidence and take her to the cleaners in divorce court (you could have filed for an at-fault divorce if you live in states that still allow it). THEN, you out her (with evidence) when it's all said and done.

 

I think the message you should be sending your daughters now is to not be a whore like their mother.

Yes of course the kids should be destroyed, they are hers after all, why not f**k them up as best you can yeah.

[drifter777]

Exactly. But that isn't what happened, is it? Instead their dad screamed it from the rooftops to everyone who would listen, and called her a whore to their kids. And deliberately put his kids in the middle of it.

 

Whatever the mom did to the marriage should stay in the marriage. It's not about the kids. Her 'consequence' should not have anything to do with the kids.

 

We won't ever agree. So I'll agree to disagree with your principles.

Not sure these details are correct but what you are saying is pretty accurate. So what? From here he goes forward and, hopefully, will learn from this mistake. He should have acted more responsibly but he can't change it. We all should be trying to advise him on the issues he's dealing with right now.

 

OP: help us get back on track with a summary of what happened today and where your head is at.

[sidney2718]

They should never accept the OM into their lives.

 

This is wrong, both morally and ethically.

 

If there is shared custody and if the WW marries the OM, the children will come into contact with the OM. Telling the kids that they should never accept the OM into their lives means that you are using them to fight an endless battle with your WW.

 

SHE IS THEIR MOTHER. Nothing can change that. There is nothing to be gained and a lot to be lost by making the kids disobedient and hateful.

 

The one hope for peace and love in your kids life is to let them accept reality the way it is. No, the OM will never be their biological father, but he will be a male role model for them no matter what you do.

[Selfish]

That is debatable...

 

bam,

 

You've skipped and ignored a lot of questions.

 

Like if you actually called your wife a whore in front of the kids. And what exactly the problems were in this marriage leading up to this and why you chose to stay despite her holding divorce over your head (which was obviously an idle threat because she still isn't divorcing you even now.)

 

Also to add to these... You say the affair was with a coworker. I've reread some but it seems the coworker doesn't live here. Is he still a coworker?

[sidney2718]

Exactly. But that isn't what happened, is it? Instead their dad screamed it from the rooftops to everyone who would listen, and called her a whore to their kids. And deliberately put his kids in the middle of it.

 

Whatever the mom did to the marriage should stay in the marriage. It's not about the kids. Her 'consequence' should not have anything to do with the kids.

 

We won't ever agree. So I'll agree to disagree with your principles.

 

I'll agree...

 

I'll even go further. Exposure is a good thing ONLY if the BS gets some real benefit from it. If exposure is needed, selective exposure often works best, like exposure to the OM's wife. What the BS usually gets from this is an ally in breaking up the affair.

 

Exposure to the entire world may make the BS feel better for a minute, but it crashes his children's world without any escape for them. They can't simply walk out of the family. They can't support themselves. They are ruined.

 

But worse, exposure at times costs the WS their job, reducing the family income when things are about to get very expensive. Exposure makes friends choose sides, which many may not wish to do and drop both of you instead. That doesn't help anybody either.

 

The list goes on and on. Do NOT expose unless there is a real benefit to be obtained from it.

[Selfish]

I will say while I agree with exposing to the OBS i don't agree with it for someone to help "break up the affair". Over used rhetoric aside, if it takes that much vigilence to break up an affair, R should not be happening... HOWEVER, I do think having the second pair of eyes should NC be breached is helpful and can expose quickly just how unremorseful your wayward is. Also, most BS would want the OBS to inform them.

[bamawsp]

For some reason, the same people keep posting false information even though I've clearly stated the truth.

 

For the record, the exposure WAS NOT SHOUTED FROM THE ROOFTOPS TO EVERYONE. It was exposed to 11 people total. Her parents, OP parents, my parents, 2 of her friends and my children. I didn't even tell my own brothers so in the event of reconciliation my family would welcome her back in. Those of you that continuously claim EVERYONE or shouting from the rooftops are distorting facts to further your agenda.

[beach]

When she talked to her best friend the other day - did she tell her friend she had the affair?

[Selfish]

For some reason, the same people keep posting false information even though I've clearly stated the truth.

 

For the record, the exposure WAS NOT SHOUTED FROM THE ROOFTOPS TO EVERYONE. It was exposed to 11 people total. Her parents, OP parents, my parents, 2 of her friends and my children. I didn't even tell my own brothers so in the event of reconciliation my family would welcome her back in. Those of you that continuously claim EVERYONE or shouting from the rooftops are distorting facts to further your agenda.

 

Did you call her a whore in front of your children? That one still hasn't been cleared up.

 

And what exactly has been the state of your marriage? When did these threats of divorce come? 13 years is a long time for a marriage to be dysfunctional. Why didn't she ever leave? Why didn't you?

[aliveagain]

I used a poor choice of words when describing my 10 year old's responses. She affirmed the affair saying she had seen messages on her mother's phone when my wife tried to deny it tonight. My kids deserve the truth. My oldest actually called the OM and told him to leave us all alone. She needs to see the chaos in all of its glory at what her affair has caused.

 

I honestly do not care if she gets fired. That is not my problem. I am not exposing the affair for revenge. I want my family back. We had our first counseling session a week ago last Friday. I discovered the affair this past Monday and she said she wanted to work it out. I then exposed the affair to the OM parents over the weekend. She came home tonight guns blazing and I decided it's time to expose to the people that matter

 

Some people seem to think that discussing the affair with your children who already knew that their mother was having an affair is a much bigger crime than the cause of the problem, your wife who freely allowed another man to put his penis in her repeatedly. It seems she wanted to work it out until you exposed the POS to his parents. Why would she be upset unless he called her? That means they are still in communication and any marriage counselling is a waste of money until she goes absolutely no contact. You told his mommy and daddy, he went ape sh*t on your wife who is now pissed at you because you made her boyfriend mad at her.

 

I think it is about time some people stop making you out to be the bad guy, why post if they can't honestly give you what your looking for, help dealing with your wife's infidelity. You did the right thing, you exposed the POS. If your wife is not all in finish what she started because you deserve to be with a woman that is faithful. Lying to your children to protect their cheating mother will do more harm to your relationship with them. They already know about what she has done, they read the emails. Her actions are the cause of any damage her relationship with them suffers. You can't undo what is already done just like she can't unfu*k herself. You are still a victim and not the cause.

[SycamoreCircle]

Living with a spouse 13 years that hangs divorce over your head---at what point do you cease being a victim of the other person and start becoming a victim of your own inaction?

[DAO]

What she did was not right. But you sound like an *******. I'm sure that's one of the reasons why she had the affair.

 

Who are you to call the victim(BS) an *******.:sick:

Your cheating credentials do not give you that right.

:sick:

[SawtoothMars]

I have not been sympathetic to your wife but I have been consistently sympathetic to your kids and that I still stand by.

 

You bashed on him for asking the kids to notify him if this dude shows up. That is not an unreasonable request. What if this guy is a child molester?

 

I can imagine you telling your kids "If some stranger touches your privates... shut up and don't tell anyone!!!" Then slap their face for effect... because you are clearly that kind of animal.

 

My cousins went through a divorce like this. They blamed themselves for the divorce for at least 4 years, because their mom thought it was cool to keep it all a secret. After 4 years of serious mindf*cking my cousins finally learned the truth in High School that Daddy had a BF. They didn't hate their dad. They just stopped hating themselves.

 

I know you think your way is best... but it isn't.

 

So I told the wife I wasn't going to therapy and I am dissolving our marriage because she refuses to take the necessary steps to terminate her A or AP. She said that's what therapy is for and that I am a coward.

 

Seriously bama... When your wife softens you need to tell her that you still love her... but when she gets snide and insulting... you need to be very cold and unemotional.

 

I was married to a woman like this for 10 years. No kids though. I'm sorry but you really could not pay me to go back. She also cheated with a 46 year old permanent bachelor when she was 30.

 

My current wife is a physician and our life together is awesome! Just completely full of love and joy.

[sandylee1]

Did you call her a whore in front of your children? That one still hasn't been cleared up.

 

And what exactly has been the state of your marriage? When did these threats of divorce come? 13 years is a long time for a marriage to be dysfunctional. Why didn't she ever leave? Why didn't you?

 

I think he did call her that name in front of the kids. He probably realises it was wrong in hindsight and doesn't want to spell it out in writing here.

 

People have commented on him saying that so many times. If he never said it in front of the kids, he would have made that clear to us.

 

OP - You say you never shouted it from the rooftops, but you told those that matter, the rest of the world are irrelevant.

 

Telling OMs parents was a good call, telling her parents was a good call, her employers?...could be a good call, unless she looses her job over it and that means you have to pay more spousal support. Telling your parents, as they are some support for you, that's okay. Except they may not want a reconciliation, which could affect your relationship with them and their relationship with your W. You may call this consequences, but when the consequences affect others, you need to think twice.

 

No need to rehash my view on telling the kids.

[road]

SHE IS THEIR MOTHER. Nothing can change that. There is nothing to be gained and a lot to be lost by making the kids disobedient and hateful.

 

The one hope for peace and love in your kids life is to let them accept reality the way it is. No, the OM will never be their biological father, but he will be a male role model for them no matter what you do.

 

 

 

Not saying to act hateful to the mom.

 

 

Why are you attacking the kids making them accept the man that destroyed their lives?

 

 

Why do you insist that the OM by his harmful, negative, immoral actions, is a role model to be followed?

 

 

Shame.

[Selfish]

I think he did call her that name in front of the kids. He probably realises it was wrong in hindsight and doesn't want to spell it out in writing here.

 

People have commented on him saying that so many times. If he never said it in front of the kids, he would have made that clear to us.

 

OP - You say you never shouted it from the rooftops, but you told those that matter, the rest of the world are irrelevant.

 

Telling OMs parents was a good call, telling her parents was a good call, her employers?...could be a good call, unless she looses her job over it and that means you have to pay more spousal support. Telling your parents, as they are some support for you, that's okay. Except they may not want a reconciliation, which could affect your relationship with them and their relationship with your W. You may call this consequences, but when the consequences affect others, you need to think twice.

 

No need to rehash my view on telling the kids.

 

I just didn't want to assume he did because he never confirmed that. Doing so is very telling of personality type. And Even though what is done is done (so not agood attitude to have though), if he did he needs to apologize to his children for that.

 

The other thing is them telling him if the OM shows up. If he just knows they would because they are kids and don't like the OM no issue that people are making it out to be. But if he sat them down and told them to tell. I'm not sure about that one. Neither parents should do that (her saying "don't tell daddy, for instance). A better way would be. "Children, if OM shows up and you are afraid to tell me because either mommy said not to or you are worries I'll be more upset, don't be, You can tell me." Entirely different. Completely acceptable.

 

But, besides an apology to his little children I don't think there is anything to save here. Despite the OPs reluctance to explain why his wife held divorce over his head for over a decade, that fact alone means there is nothing to save.

 

It is time for him to stop trying to "win" and to start seeing his legal rights in regards to the kids, house, ect. And file for divorce.

 

Normalls I say a BS can take time to decide. But that is for a BS with a remorseful WS or a good marriage pre dday. He has neither here.