Selfish Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Not saying to act hateful to the mom. Why are you attacking the kids making them accept the man that destroyed their lives? Why do you insist that the OM by his harmful, negative, immoral actions, is a role model to be followed? Shame. Its off topic and not relevent at this time to this situation, but I believe many object to your "never" comment. Kids have their own choice to make down the road IF the WS and AP end up together. A very hard road for sure. But they are quite young. And many find it wrong that instead of saying "they don't have to accept" you say "never should". Like it would be wrong of them to do so. Also, if they did end up together. The children are so young that "never" accepting the fact he IS their step father (should that happen) would gaurantee setting them up for a much harder path. But that is just speculation. It doesn't sound like they are running off into the sunset. I think some just objected to your rather harsh and harmful opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 If the couple divorce and the W and the OM set up house together, then he will be the kids step dad, so are you seriously suggesting the kids never interact with their step dad??? No, they don't have to and they shouldn't have to be made to accept this person in their lives. Cat's out of the bag, they know this guy is the reason they're coming from a broken home. They may have to learn to tolerate this asshat, but they don't have to accept him into their lives. It's their choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 No, they don't have to and they shouldn't have to be made to accept this person in their lives. Cat's out of the bag, they know this guy is the reason they're coming from a broken home. They may have to learn to tolerate this asshat, but they don't have to accept him into their lives. It's their choice. I agree it is their choice. In this highly unrelevant topic. BUT, I disagree with roads stance that they SHOULD NEVER accept him. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 The kids don't have to accept the OM as a 'role model'. They do, however, have to respect his role if he does become a step-parent to them. No they don't! They can learn to tolerate being around him in if comes to that, but they don't have to respect him and welcome him into their lives and they shouldn't be made to feel like they should. Respect him?!?! Like he respected the marriage? Like he respected those kids by breaking up their family for his own selfish desires? Nah, they might have to learn tolerate him, but they don't have to respect him. Respect is earned, does it seem that he's earned anyone's respect? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I'm pretty sure he's not going to file for D or leave her. Nor will he go to MC/IC. I bet my life on it. He just likes to beat his chest to get what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I'm pretty sure he's not going to file for D or leave her. Nor will he go to MC/IC. I bet my life on it. He just likes to beat his chest to get what he wants. Popsicle...Since you made the accusation, please tell me why you believe that notion. You are grossly incorrect but I'm curious at your thought process. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 This thread is evidence that "staying for the kids" is just an excuse. No, you're staying for yourself. And by the way, your W can't get a protective order unless you have put your hands on her or threatened her. If she doesn't have proof, it will be denied if you haven't. You are also not obligated to leave your house. It's legally your house too. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Popsicle...Since you made the accusation, please tell me why you believe that notion. You are grossly incorrect but I'm curious at your thought process. Well, you seem stubborn enough not to go to counseling There are men like that. And since you want to "fight so hard for the family" you won't divorce. Most men hate D, and you are just the type to fit that mold. She, however, may file, especially if you keep acting like you won't go to counseling and generally being a tyrant. How about YOU pick the counselor? How does that sound? You can test a few out by yourself first. You can't keep this war up (and that's exactly what it is, we warned you) and win. You both will lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) No they don't! They can learn to tolerate being around him in if comes to that, but they don't have to respect him and welcome him into their lives and they shouldn't be made to feel like they should. Respect him?!?! Like he respected the marriage? Like he respected those kids by breaking up their family for his own selfish desires? Nah, they might have to learn tolerate him, but they don't have to respect him. Respect is earned, does I have to agree here. I have lots of understating of step parenting. Edited March 1, 2015 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 And by the way, your W can't get a protective order unless you have put your hands on her or threatened her. If she doesn't have proof, it will be denied if you haven't. That's pretty naive. C'mon, in a world where drunk teenage girls can get their ONS thrown into jail with tears and a few lies you think a crazy psycho-wife and her boyfriend are powerless? She just has to make the claim, and he just has to say "It's all true, she always told me how terrible her husband treated her and I protected her when she was with me". Of course you can add far more colorful lies to this very simple example. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 When she talked to her best friend the other day - did she tell her friend she had the affair? Third time asking? Want to see if she's capable of OFFERING honesty to those she's supposedly close to...? And what is your plan? What are you doing next to move forward? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Third time asking? Want to see if she's capable of OFFERING honesty to those she's supposedly close to...? And what is your plan? What are you doing next to move forward? Yes. She and I are going to MC on Friday. Everything seems to have mellowed substantially. She even began wearing her ring again today. Other than that nothing else really to report Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 That's pretty naive. C'mon, in a world where drunk teenage girls can get their ONS thrown into jail with tears and a few lies you think a crazy psycho-wife and her boyfriend are powerless? She just has to make the claim, and he just has to say "It's all true, she always told me how terrible her husband treated her and I protected her when she was with me". Of course you can add far more colorful lies to this very simple example. It's not naive. You've probably never stepped foot in a court. I have and know how it works. It won't be granted without proof and the police need proof to even arrest him. Rape is different. We are talking about a protective order. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Yes. She and I are going to MC on Friday. Everything seems to have mellowed substantially. She even began wearing her ring again today. Other than that nothing else really to report Is your plan when you "win" her from OM to dump her after? Or do you have such a fear of divorce you will actually buy what she say as a magical and instant change of heart. Originally Posted by Selfish View Post Did you call her a whore in front of your children? That one still hasn't been cleared up. And what exactly has been the state of your marriage? When did these threats of divorce come? 13 years is a long time for a marriage to be dysfunctional. Why didn't she ever leave? Why didn't you? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Is it that you change your mind depending on her mood? I mean - really, I don't get why you bend in the wind every time she creates a breeze. Can you see you have absolutely zero power in this relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Is it that you change your mind depending on her mood? I mean - really, I don't get why you bend in the wind every time she creates a breeze. Can you see you have absolutely zero power in this relationship? Beach I think OP ultimately would like this to work out, which he has maintained all along. So if she shows any signs of being willing, then he will mirror that. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Not saying to act hateful to the mom. Why are you attacking the kids making them accept the man that destroyed their lives? Why do you insist that the OM by his harmful, negative, immoral actions, is a role model to be followed? Shame. I am not making them accept the man who destroyed their lives. I am suggesting that it is NOT a good idea to paint the OM as evil when the OM may be a fixture in their lives. Children should NEVER be used as pawns in a marriage battle. Your advice would put the children between the wife and the husband. Each one telling them to do something different and making the children choose. I do agree that the OM should not be visible to the kids until the divorce has reached its final stages. Most courts insist on this at the outset. It is an attempt to avoid this very situation where the kids are given contradictory instructions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 No, they don't have to and they shouldn't have to be made to accept this person in their lives. Cat's out of the bag, they know this guy is the reason they're coming from a broken home. They may have to learn to tolerate this asshat, but they don't have to accept him into their lives. It's their choice. Actually it isn't their choice. It will be their choice when they reach legal adulthood, which varies from state to state. Up until that time they are under their parents control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 sidney ... say it with me 'in the best interest of the child'. That is the thought process of the family court in the end. If the child is old enough to express himself/herself than their opinion can count ... though it depends on country when this happens. After a certain age, they can select which parent they live with full time. A good rule of thumb [and pls correct me if i'm mistaking] is 10yrs old to be listened to, but not taken that much into consideration and 14+ to be taken into consideration with seriousness. bama, what she did is wrong, but MC is a good way to go. However, you should still proceed with getting Divorce papers ready. MC work for the couple itself, not the individual and are divided into 2 camps : - those that believe that the marriage must be saved at all costs, and who are willing to push towards the spouse with the problem getting rid of it; that means sweeping the affair under the rug - those that believe that it should be talked about, guilt should be taken, and something must be learned from it. They tend to believe that the marriage is 50:50 in guilt and responsability while the affair is 100% on the one who starts it. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Again I say, look at the consistent pattern of her actions. Actions actions actions. And to have this in the back of your mind: What do you see a reconciled marriage looking like for you? What do the words reconciled and recovered mean to you? What would a recovered marriage relationships look like day to day to you? Who would you be? Who would your wife be? How would you be with each other? The answers to those questions, IMO, tell the tale as to whether or not a couple should even bother trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 If she is willing to work, then I will work as well. I'm prepared for a divorce and am being skeptical. We had a pretty good day today. All five of us. Contrary to what Elaine and a few other feminists believe, I am not a monster and am capable of extending some grace. I know I can get a divorce whenever I choose. If MC works then a family of 5 will be restored. If it doesn't, at least we tried. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Did she completely end it with her OM? Do you have proof? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 If she is willing to work, then I will work as well. I'm prepared for a divorce and am being skeptical. We had a pretty good day today. All five of us. Contrary to what Elaine and a few other feminists believe, I am not a monster and am capable of extending some grace. I know I can get a divorce whenever I choose. If MC works then a family of 5 will be restored. If it doesn't, at least we tried. You are there living this and we are not. You are very smart bamawsp. What you choose to do now will define the rest of your life. I know that you know that. The pain will recede. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Well...Password is off and she's wearing her ring. The job is being addressed and I've made some scheduling changes that puts her with the kids more so than in the past. Other than following her for 24/7 that's all the proof I have. If the affair is continuing they will make a mistake. I'm continuing to get everything in order for divorce. That isn't changing. I mean hell, she was planning on filing a protective order this past Thursday morning. Edited March 2, 2015 by bamawsp Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Well...Password is off and she's wearing her ring. The job is being addressed and I've made some scheduling changes that puts her with the kids more so than in the past. Other than following her for 24/7 that's all the proof I have. If the affair is continuing they will make a mistake. I'm continuing to get everything in order for divorce. That isn't changing. I mean hell, she was planning on filing a protective order this past Thursday morning. You seem level about this. Real life isn't all or nothing, instant, and rapid fire questions and answers. Real life isn't a wall of quotes from an expert. Real life is you and your WW who will hopefully become a FWW navigating a day at a time with your standards high and your eyes wide open. No one in real life gets it all done yesterday. No one in real life recovers by the book with no bumps in the road. Real recovery is a lot more like Everyman and a lot less like Jim Jones. Link to post Share on other sites
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