Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[lollipopspot]

OP, if she's been wanting to divorce for 13 years (before your first child was even born), what will change in the relationship such that she will genuinely want to stay now? You're asking for her to make a change, but what are you going to do differently to make this relationship work differently too? The exact same relationship minus the cheating is still a bad relationship - it hasn't worked well for 13 years.

[bamawsp]

lollipop...well said. MC isn't just about affair recovery. I've got some things to work out outside of my marriage as well. We both fight like wounded dogs with each other because we experienced a lot of pain as children.

[road]

I am not making them accept the man who destroyed their lives. I am suggesting that it is NOT a good idea to paint the OM as evil when the OM may be a fixture in their lives.

 

Children should NEVER be used as pawns in a marriage battle. Your advice would put the children between the wife and the husband. Each one telling them to do something different and making the children choose.

 

I do agree that the OM should not be visible to the kids until the divorce has reached its final stages. Most courts insist on this at the outset. It is an attempt to avoid this very situation where the kids are given contradictory instructions.

 

 

 

So you support that the kids should be lied to by their parents?

 

 

That the OM gets to lie to the gets as well.

 

 

That the AP's escape a major consequence of their acts.

 

 

That the kids are deceived that their are two traitors in their lives pretending to of done no harm to them.

[road]

If she is willing to work, then I will work as well. I'm prepared for a divorce and am being skeptical. We had a pretty good day today. All five of us. Contrary to what Elaine and a few other feminists believe, I am not a monster and am capable of extending some grace. I know I can get a divorce whenever I choose. If MC works then a family of 5 will be restored. If it doesn't, at least we tried.

 

Did she completely end it with her OM? Do you have proof?

 

Well...Password is off and she's wearing her ring. The job is being addressed and I've made some scheduling changes that puts her with the kids more so than in the past. Other than following her for 24/7 that's all the proof I have. If the affair is continuing they will make a mistake. I'm continuing to get everything in order for divorce. That isn't changing. I mean hell, she was planning on filing a protective order this past Thursday morning.

 

 

 

If you have not revealed how you got your information do not do so now.

 

 

Get the GPS to work on WW phone.

 

 

Access to all phone bills.

 

 

Install a key logger on the home PC.

 

 

Hide a VAR in the house and WW's car.

 

 

And, above all do not let WW know.

 

 

 

 

This will allow you to verify NC. While doing this it will slowly repair the broken trust as each day you see NC is maintained. Along with WW being where she is suppose to be.

 

 

 

 

If this MC is going to place any of the blame for the affair on your fire that MC and try another one.

 

 

Good luck. Your are embarking on the next step in your war. May you be victorious in recovering your marriage. There are no guarantees though what you have to gain is worth the effort.

[beach]

lollipop...well said. MC isn't just about affair recovery. I've got some things to work out outside of my marriage as well. We both fight like wounded dogs with each other because we experienced a lot of pain as children.

 

That should be for you to discover and discard in individual therapy.

 

Then when you work through your baggage you get to MC with more to offer upon entering the MC.

 

 

I would caution you about proper order... As it seems to be your pattern - such as working on the marriage again without knowing if she's ended her affair or not.

 

Why don't you want to know in order to make an important decision such as repair a marriage... Without the knowledge yet if there's still a third person in the relationship?

[Chi townD]

Actually it isn't their choice. It will be their choice when they reach legal adulthood, which varies from state to state. Up until that time they are under their parents control.

 

 

The parents can't control the way they feel. And if the kids want to give this douche rocket the cold shoulder and not treat this asshat as anything other than a stranger, then that's that. All they would have to do is learn how to tolerate this person, but you can't make them become best buds.

 

 

I mean, they didn't ask for this guy to come into their lives and especially in the manner that he did. That's between him and the WW. That's HER relationship, nothing states that the kids HAVE to garner a relationship with this dude.

[road]

If you have not revealed how you got your information do not do so now.

 

 

Get the GPS to work on WW phone.

 

 

Access to all phone bills.

 

 

Install a key logger on the home PC.

 

 

Hide a VAR in the house and WW's car.

 

 

And, above all do not let WW know.

 

 

 

 

This will allow you to verify NC. While doing this it will slowly repair the broken trust as each day you see NC is maintained. Along with WW being where she is suppose to be.

 

 

 

 

If this MC is going to place any of the blame for the affair on your fire that MC and try another one.

 

 

Good luck. Your are embarking on the next step in your war. May you be victorious in recovering your marriage. There are no guarantees though what you have to gain is worth the effort.

 

 

 

Edit to add GPS WW's car. Because a WW can leave her phone at work where she is suppose to be and her car GPS can show her to be at the OM's house.

[beatcuff]

Get the GPS to work on WW phone.

Install a key logger on the home PC.

Hide a VAR in the house and WW's car.

 

absolutely great advice, for if/when she discovers it... protective order is a slam dunk. good luck then trying to get custody of your children.

 

BTW, OP can you stop ignoring the question of what you SAID to your children. You are doing a great job of framing this thread to hear what you want.

[Clay]

Why waste another second of your time. Life is seriously to short than to sit there and change everything about yourself because your wife is a cheater. I mean lets get real. This wasn't a mistake and if you allow her to just keep on playing the games what is it all really worth in the end. I totally understand wanting back the person you once knew. Well those days are gone and the sooner you get that through your head the better off you are. Sure some couple can survive infidelity. You might be one of those people but ask yourself just how much time and effort do you want to put into this. Is it really worth all the hours of stress and spying on her. If she really just wanted to be with you then you would not be going through this in the first place. The value you once held in her is now gone. If she wanted to earn that back then she has to fight for it and honestly from what you have said she is not really doing much.

 

I wouldn't tell her I wanted a divorce. I would show her.

 

Clay

[SawtoothMars]

absolutely great advice, for if/when she discovers it... protective order is a slam dunk. good luck then trying to get custody of your children.

BTW, OP can you stop ignoring the question of what you SAID to your children. You are doing a great job of framing this thread to hear what you want.

 

Actually... this would not provide grounds for a protective order unless they have a legal separation in place. I know this because my xWife put all this kind of tracking and monitoring software on everything I own. Even a company issued laptop. Bizarre that she wanted to catch me catching her cheating!

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I can get a divorce whenever I choose.

 

MC isn't some outside force, MC is...you. The two of you. I've never seen MC work when one or both partners have one foot out the door like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[atreides]

wow is this a long thread. whew...

 

First off, what is done is done... i just want clarification... in exposing to your kids, you called her a whore or was that just between the two of you?

 

I 100% agree in exposing to the kids as in they need to know. I have seen too many times the marriage go haywire and the kids blame themselves because they are not in the loop. I know of this first hand. So I agree with you in exposing to the kids but not in bad mouthing their mother in front of them.

 

Exposing as you did to everyone else, if i may based on my own observations, experiences and threads i have asked here, "humiliation" as through exposure is probably the single most thing avoided if possible by the waywards. You did right in exposing.

It may not help rebuild the marriage but in almost every case it helps end the affair and that is always step 1.

 

There is so much in this thread... as for your kids in how the feel about their mother and in helping you keep tabs. I have read some comments, let me add my own experience to this. In exposing, you did damage the relationship with their mother, as one poster said, "kids are first" very true. I believe you are putting them first, i think we each read what you wrote with a bias and some assume spite or revenge and others something else.

If anything, let's say the relationship is not repaired with their mother as in you divorce and R is never achieved. It was her bed she made, we cannot escape our actions which involve our own kids if we betray them with an affair as an affair betrays all.

This has nothing to do with them not being first, it is a consequence of her actions, they may have not known had you not exposed but gone crazy second guessing themselves about why mom and dad are not "working" as a marriage.

So they will grow up and decide for themselves how they will come to terms with their mother's betrayal. They may forgive, they may not but let me say this, my wife is one of those kids whom for years did not want anything to do with her dad who cheated. Many, many years later, they have a relationship, not the best but something. That was my wife's choice, exposing had nothing to do with it. She chose how to treat her father from childhood to adulthood and is not for the worse for it. Her mother put her and her siblings first and exposing was just setting the record straight.

 

I agree with the shock and awe, it puts you in control of you and what is left of the marriage in how you yourself proceed, but you cannot will your wayward to do anything and I believe you get that and thus set the rules in how to earn you back.

If she held the threat of divorce for so many years, just going off of that tells me she is an explosive type likely, so her behavior to exposure is likely at least the way i read it, just another pebble of the same ole behavior.

That said, i get what you did, you stopped the A, shut her down and controlled the best you could and put the ball in her court for a response including being open to R if she follows your rules.

 

So after so many pages of this thread, she is back and forth, it seems. Post visit to her lawyer, she likely was told the price she would have to pay and backed off.

There is nothing genuine with her at this point, the embers are still burning on the field from your bombing run.

With all the fences and conditions you put up, i urge you now to slow down and work for the genuine response from her. She is navigating this bombed filed you created and at the same time detoxing from her affair.

Work on you too, and perhaps reach out a bit if R is still on the table.

[Gofsttrnlft]

OP, I have to commend you for continuing to sort through your mess on this forum even as the masses tried to bash you into the ground. Please do not in any way shape or form feel bad for telling your children the truth. The truth is not going to affect them adversely, they appreciate it as I am willing to bet they already knew things were not all candy coated like some of the sheeple here believe. My kids were your kids age when I told them. My wife at the time was not a very nice person either. I received full custody of my kids. Guess what people, they are just fine and well into their 20's now. Imagine that. Sure they had some resentment towards her, disliked her other 3 husbands since, but they in their own time have moved on from it.

 

What you say to them, how you behave, and how you show them your love from this day forward is how they do not suffer adversely. Believe me it is not easy some days to not bash the ex-wife but they will see it, the better person in you, and thrive in the example that you are setting.

 

I spent more years than I could mentally handle working on a Paramedic ambulance. If you do not believe that 4,5,6 year old kids do not know what is going on, or cannot handle information and knowledge, message me you non believers, I will tell you stories that will make you cry.

 

Either way, lay off of the OP. Especially you hateful folks that are bashing him with your opinions to make yourselves feel better. He did what he did because as their DAD, he did what he thought was best for them. They will be fine. He has set an example of honesty. They at least have one person who isn't lieing to them and at least one person they can look up to in this mess.

 

Good luck OP i wish you and your little ones the best!

[sidney2718]

So you support that the kids should be lied to by their parents?

 

 

That the OM gets to lie to the gets as well.

 

 

That the AP's escape a major consequence of their acts.

 

 

That the kids are deceived that their are two traitors in their lives pretending to of done no harm to them.

 

Please don't put words into my mouth. I wrote my view in plain English. There is no need to restate it. It is free advice, quite possibly worth what was paid for it.

[FallenA]

wow is this a long thread. whew...

 

First off, what is done is done... i just want clarification... in exposing to your kids, you called her a whore or was that just between the two of you?

 

I 100% agree in exposing to the kids as in they need to know. I have seen too many times the marriage go haywire and the kids blame themselves because they are not in the loop. I know of this first hand. So I agree with you in exposing to the kids but not in bad mouthing their mother in front of them.

 

Exposing as you did to everyone else, if i may based on my own observations, experiences and threads i have asked here, "humiliation" as through exposure is probably the single most thing avoided if possible by the waywards. You did right in exposing.

It may not help rebuild the marriage but in almost every case it helps end the affair and that is always step 1.

 

There is so much in this thread... as for your kids in how the feel about their mother and in helping you keep tabs. I have read some comments, let me add my own experience to this. In exposing, you did damage the relationship with their mother, as one poster said, "kids are first" very true. I believe you are putting them first, i think we each read what you wrote with a bias and some assume spite or revenge and others something else.

If anything, let's say the relationship is not repaired with their mother as in you divorce and R is never achieved. It was her bed she made, we cannot escape our actions which involve our own kids if we betray them with an affair as an affair betrays all.

This has nothing to do with them not being first, it is a consequence of her actions, they may have not known had you not exposed but gone crazy second guessing themselves about why mom and dad are not "working" as a marriage.

So they will grow up and decide for themselves how they will come to terms with their mother's betrayal. They may forgive, they may not but let me say this, my wife is one of those kids whom for years did not want anything to do with her dad who cheated. Many, many years later, they have a relationship, not the best but something. That was my wife's choice, exposing had nothing to do with it. She chose how to treat her father from childhood to adulthood and is not for the worse for it. Her mother put her and her siblings first and exposing was just setting the record straight.

 

I agree with the shock and awe, it puts you in control of you and what is left of the marriage in how you yourself proceed, but you cannot will your wayward to do anything and I believe you get that and thus set the rules in how to earn you back.

If she held the threat of divorce for so many years, just going off of that tells me she is an explosive type likely, so her behavior to exposure is likely at least the way i read it, just another pebble of the same ole behavior.

That said, i get what you did, you stopped the A, shut her down and controlled the best you could and put the ball in her court for a response including being open to R if she follows your rules.

 

So after so many pages of this thread, she is back and forth, it seems. Post visit to her lawyer, she likely was told the price she would have to pay and backed off.

There is nothing genuine with her at this point, the embers are still burning on the field from your bombing run.

With all the fences and conditions you put up, i urge you now to slow down and work for the genuine response from her. She is navigating this bombed filed you created and at the same time detoxing from her affair.

Work on you too, and perhaps reach out a bit if R is still on the table.

The kids need to know if it's going to be D yes, but not quite so crudely & not in way way that will make them hate their mother.

If R is the goal then telling the kids is absolutely disgusting given their ages. The oldest was 12 & the youngest is 6. I am so disturbed by the kind of people that post here advocating destroying childrens lives

Edited March 3, 2015 by FallenA

[atreides]

The kids need to know if it's going to be D yes, but not quite so crudely & not in way way that will make them hate their mother.

If R is the goal then telling the kids is absolutely disgusting given their ages. The oldest was 12 & the youngest is 6. I am so disturbed by the kind of people that post here advocating destroying childrens lives

 

I think the exact opposite, i think it is as disturbing to let them fend for themselves in the middle of turmoil not knowing what has happened in the most traumatic event to ever hit a marriage and anything their imagination could conjure up should be put to rest by the truth. You premise as if Reconciling is some peaceful and smooth process and if it is for you, then great but not for many. Reconciling is a long and rough process and of every example my wife included, all the children whether it was divorce or not were by their own admission better for it in knowing. My wife was 6 and her brothers older. In my own extended family, the children were 8, 10 and 13. None of their lives were destroyed. I just don't know where the thought of destruction from exposure gets its roots, it is more sophistry than anything. I cannot agree and agree to disagree on this, i think when one says "they are protecting the children" in this context, that it is very similar to a wayward not wanting to tell their spouse as "to protect them from the affair." Probably the most asinine fallacy of logic ever and more rooted in self-interest. Moreover, i am not advocating "sexual education" (pertaining to your questions from your thread) as to affairs in exposure, but more the concept that is the point at hand, as with how my MIL told my wife when she was young from day 1 onward. She new the marriage was in trouble because of her dad, then as each year went on she got more as she asked. I know of a lot of infidelity in my circles and every case but one, the children were told and some are still working on the marriage. in no case was anyone vulgar about exposure.

 

As for crudely, did you not read my post? I am not for the OP in any manner to bad mouth their mother in front of the children. That is entirely opposite, that is not exposure but toxicity. Moreover, i will go one further, if any BS uses exposure as to spite, then i ardently disagree with that as well.

Edited March 3, 2015 by atreides

[road]

Please don't put words into my mouth. I wrote my view in plain English. There is no need to restate it. It is free advice, quite possibly worth what was paid for it.

 

 

 

Instead of speaking as Jim Carney you will avoid confusion.

[lollipopspot]

I think the exact opposite, i think it is as disturbing to let them fend for themselves in the middle of turmoil not knowing what has happened in the most traumatic event to ever hit a marriage and anything their imagination could conjure up should be put to rest by the truth.

 

The marriage has been bad since before the kids were even born, with her threatening divorce since they were first married. An "event" is not the real problem here. The real problem is lack of function and willingness from the very beginning, and then bringing 3 kids into it. In this case, it seems as though the affair is just a symptom of an ongoing bad marriage. I think in many cases that people put way too much emphasis on the affair, when it's hardly unpredictable that it would happen, given what he says about the marriage being dysfunctional for 13 years. For a happily married couple an affair might be a bomb. Here it's just another symptom of a bigger, ongoing problem.

[autumnnight]

in exposing to your kids, you called her a whore or was that just between the two of you?

 

Good luck getting an answer to this. He is afraid to answer.

 

OP, eyes wide open. Look at her actions, not her words.

[Chi townD]

I am so disturbed by the kind of people that post here advocating destroying childrens lives

 

 

WHAT?!?!? How EXACTLY are people HERE destroying any kids life? We didn't do anything and the feminists have been doing a fantastic job of bashing on this guy for saying anything to these kids (or exposing to anyone else for that matter).

 

 

We didn't cause this and people have been giving him a hard time about it for pages and pages and still can't seem to let it go! I'm, frankly, amazed he still comes back here! Because people are glossing over the fact that he got betrayed from the one person he promise to dedicate his life too. We have seemed to gloss that over as if he is to accept his role as a cuckold and or divorce his wife. And people focus on crap that can't be changed; can't be undone.

 

 

We have been beating a dead horse or pages and pages. And I truly feel that; in this case, we're letting this person down that came here to the LS community for help.

 

 

So, my advice to the OP? Dude, I think you should close up shop here and find a site that will actually be able to give you help. All you're enduring here is getting bashed on as a father and as a man. Nevermind the hurt YOU must be feeling or the pain that YOU'RE in right now.

 

 

I would advise you to move onto another site and tell your story, just gloss over the fact that your kids know and that your oldest already knew when you talked to them about what happened. keep it emotionless and "as a matter of fact" tone.

 

 

Oh, and I still stand by what I said, get those kids into counseling. Good luck to you and I'm sorry.

[HereNorThere]

The exposure isn't just about letting the world know that your wife is "loose." In this case, it's also about letting the people in your life know she's about one step from full-blown psychosis. Once someone starts threatening your well-being and freedom, you have to expose them to save yourself.

 

This isn't a case of someone who started a relationship with another person, she's actually completely gone off the deep end to la la land. If she were a man and was physically beating him in the face, no one would be mad at her for exposing the brutality. Her threatening to make false statements to police could impact his arrest record, have him thrown in jail where he would be in physical danger, keep him from ever seeing his kids again and make him unemployable.

 

That right there is actually more grounds for divorce than the actual sex with the co-worker. Knowing that your partner would have you thrown in jail for false accusations would be the worst feeling in the world. She is willing to ruin his entire life just so she can have some responsibility free side sex.

 

I wouldn't spend one a moment alone with that crazy B for the rest of my life.

[HereNorThere]

OP, make sure your passport is up-to-date, and have a sizable amount of different untraceable currencies laying around. Pre-paid credit cards, bitcoin wallet, travelers cheques, paypal debit card, etc. You never know when you are going to have to make a midnight run on this crazy chick.

 

*Protip - Keep the cash under 10,000 so that you don't have to declare it at the border, lol

 

 

And I'm not just talking about now, I'm talking about forever. Even after you get divorced, there's no telling the lengths she's going to go to for revenge. After you leave, AP will fall through as well. It'll will take a while, but once she sees the mess she's made, she'll be coming for you with a VENGEANCE.

Edited March 3, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Clay]

Good luck getting an answer to this. He is afraid to answer.

 

OP, eyes wide open. Look at her actions, not her words.

 

It honestly sounds more like he was really upset when all this went down and he probably let his anger get the best of him. I can tell you after things went down for me I know I was not the best father to my kids. I did my best.

 

 

I think with time he will calm down and be able to get a better handle on this.

 

Clay

[Spectre]

Hey guys do not forget one important thing that needs to be said: he wouldn't of been able to say a damn thing to his kids if she had not cheated in the first place. Bottom line. If this woman is mad her kids know? Well say hello to the mirror lady, because with that device you can find out who is truly to blame for that.

 

You cheat, you play with fire, you get burned. Don't like the consequences? Don't do it. I hope she finds the OM worth it, her kids certainly will never look at her the same again.

 

But hey silver lining? Hopefully she won't ever betray any man in the future she is with. Probably not, people like this tend not to learn lessons, but one can hope right?

Edited March 5, 2015 by Spectre

[autumnnight]

It honestly sounds more like he was really upset when all this went down and he probably let his anger get the best of him. I can tell you after things went down for me I know I was not the best father to my kids. I did my best.

 

 

I think with time he will calm down and be able to get a better handle on this.

 

Clay

This makes sense. We are not at our best right after our worlds have been blown up. I no when I sense an outside threat to my family I take no prisoners. Bama also said they'd called a truce since then