Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[autumnnight]

I'm just going to assume you DID call your children's mother a whore to them.

 

I am a fan of strategic exposure, but your choice of language was childish and unnecessary.

[bamawsp]

Elaine...I'm a good father that makes mistakes. Wife may never be able to forgive me and that's something I'll have to live with. However, we are closer to healing or closure that we've ever been. If I can put aside my anger until next Friday and we both show up for MC that's another positive step. She is seeing red now and my getting angry will only make it worse. I exposed the marijuana, the deceit and the lying. She has to live with the fact she stepped out in this marriage. I didn't

[WomenWubber]

Exposing the affair is the right thing to do if RL is what you want. The problem is that you did it in anger and you said more than you should have and exposed the affair to more people than necessary. What's done is done, though.

 

Your WW's reaction is completely normal. She will keep insulting and threatening you until she's out of the fog. If you don't see this happening, do the 180 prepare for divorce.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hey Hope.......take it up with her. She's the one that got the train rolling in the vicinity of the kids with her defense mechanisms. I'm beginning to think old shirt is related to the AP in some sort of way. : )

 

You definitely were wronged by her affair - no argument there. I was in those shoes as well, although the details were different.

 

The point is, the number 1 priority should be your kids. You can't change what she chose to do, but she is still their mom and always will be. Even if she isn't acting in the way she should, you should do everything you can possibly do to keep your kids safe and outside of the mess as much as possible - not have an emotional blowout in front of them and drag them into the mess. Your elementary school-aged children should never be in the position to have to take sides or "yell" anything into the OM's voice mail while you are calling him!

[DKT3]

Just google Dr. Harley. IMO, a total quack. Dr. Harley preaches that the only way to survive infidelity is to expose, expose, expose!

 

Why? That's my point. If you would have ended it because he told family how you've wronged him then you weren't that remorseful and truly willing to work it out. Shouldn't be that way, more selfish behavior. Hey I fked you over but you better not tell anyone.

[CarrieT]

This thread had been moved from it's original position since I last posted in it early this morning and not only that, but this is a new thread that was created with the same title but with totally different postings in it!

FYI, the OP created two threads that were exactly the same. Some of us were posting in both threads before they got merged; that is why you are seeing "totally different postings."

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

That moniker has been addressed and will be addressed again next friday. Again, I had to get the affair out in the open and this is the only way I knew to do it and based on the response from her it has worked. She is opening up to a therapist and is now opening up to a friend. Granted, that friend who I confided in is about to betray me but in the end its all about moving forward without just calling an attorney and filing for divorce. Yet.

 

Um, you said that you told your kids that their mother is a "WHORE". You didn't HAVE TO do it this way. But, you did. And now you can't undo it (hell, you probably don't want to).

 

Sorry OP, but - regardless of how hurt or angry you are for what your wife has done - what you did to your children yesterday is....HORRIBLE. UNFORGIVABLE. UNFATHOMABLE. UNBELIEVABLE. I can almost feel the pain in your childrens' hearts right now. I almost want to cry. And YOU made your poor 12 year old daughter CALL the other man and LEAVE A VOICE MAIL??? How could you DO such a thing???????????????? You're a HORRIBLE parent.

 

I hope when you two get a divorce, that your wife gets legal and physical custody of the children. What she did was bad. What YOU did was WORSE.

 

 

.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

FYI, the OP created two threads that were exactly the same. Some of us were posting in both threads before they got merged; that is why you are seeing "totally different postings."

 

Oh okay, thanks Carrie. I thought I was seeing things lol

 

 

.

[bamawsp]

BlackOps.....I did not force my child to call the AP. I'm not sure where you even remotely could reach that conclusion. You can gloss over a workplace affair that included drugs and porn all you want but I can assure people that matter won't. I posted two threads because I wasn't sure where to post. Now I know I'm in the right place. She won't get primary custody. It's not going to happen.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Sometimes you just have to drop all the bullsh*t and get the poison out. What you did is awesome because this kind of "aggressive" 180 will either save your marriage or end it. Either way it is a strong step in the right direction for your personal recovery. Infidelity is DEVASTATING to the whole family so your WW and the OM should have expected this to blow up at some point. I'm sure while it was ongoing you felt powerless, and the torture felt like it will never end. This had to be brought to a head sometime and you chose now. I think you did great!

 

You think he did "great"??? Do you also think he did "great" by telling his children - whom he is suppose to LOVE, CARE about and PROTECT from ALL harm - that their MOM is a *WHORE*?

 

Do you think he did "great" by having his 12 year old daughter leave a VOICEMAIL to the other man's phone number???

 

Those children are going to need serious therapy. And they won't need it because of what their mother did (even though what she did was awful); they'll need it because of what their FATHER has done...to THEM.

 

I'm going to voluntarily bow out of this thread now. I'm starting to feel a palpable anger towards the OP and, as such, I don't want to say anything that I won't regret.

 

Sorry for the pain and betrayal that you're going through, OP. But I feel wayyyy more sorry for your three innocent, beautiful children.

 

God Bless them.

 

 

.

[bamawsp]

Thanks for your opinion BlackOps.

[drifter777]

The marriage may survive, but if it does the scars and hurt and anger and residual effects will linger for years longer than if it had been handled in a more reasoned and less venomous manner. The bitterness and anger will last a lot longer if it even does go away.

 

 

They may also divorce and again it will be a more bitter and hurtful and contentious divorce than if it was handled in a more reasoned and less venomous manner and both will carry more scars and bitterness and anger into their post-divorce lives than needed.

 

 

So yes, I do agree that this will bring about change and sometimes that needs to happen. It will be more a more painful and bitter result either way than was necessary but if you are all about the ends justifying the means regardless of outcome, then I guess it is a victory.

I understand your point and, of course, agree that there are better ways to handle this kind of situation. You and I both know that life rarely goes as planned or "as it should" - its messy and unplanned things happen. So now he deals with the reality of the situation.

 

I disagree with your "ends justifying the means" and "victory" comments. This isn't a game; there was no strategy to play out; no one provided an instruction booklet. The range of reactions when the affair finally boils over is very wide - you know that. This reaction is not surprising to me because he rug-swept himself until the cork blew. Not surprising and not as bad/violent as it sometimes can be.

[oldshirt]

OK, I some how missed that there was a week between the time of discovering the Facebook messages and informing the sister and parents vs when the big blow up was that involved the children and calling her whore etc.

 

 

I'll concede a few things and I'll maintain a few things but either way, realize I don't have a dog in this fight. It doesn't matter to me if you reconcile or if you divorce. All I really care about in these forums is that no one is getting screwed over, abused, exploited, manipulated and that no one is getting their shoes pissed on and being told they are standing in the rain. It's kind of like a bunch of bikers in a bar fight. If two A-holes wanna go outside and bash their brains in just because their morons and don't have enough sense not to, I don't care. But if someone is picking on someone else because one is too naïve and too good natured to realize someone else is an aggressive preditor, then I get riled up.

 

 

So I'll concede the following -

 

 

- Your wife was wrong to be making time with a coworker and BSing you about it.

 

 

- you were right to confront her and to confront the OM about it.

 

 

- you were right to push for getting into MC.

 

 

- I am all for disclosure to AP's spouse and that is an important part of bringing the affair into the light and clearing the fog. seeing how he is single, that makes that point mute.

 

 

- exposing to his parents and sister.......I really don't know if that is effective or worthwhile or not. Maybe. some people have enough of a moral compass that they will straighten up a little to keep their family from looking down on them. Other families may pat him on the back and say, "good job!" and it will make it worse.

 

 

- disclosure at work may also be necessary to put the dampers on mixing business with pleasure. Just be aware that this is pulling out big guns and there can be collateral damage. this is something that has to be well thought out, measured and the potential risks and benefits carefully weighed. I am not sure that was done in that matter in this case.

 

 

- I do understand why you reacted as strongly as you did when she counterattacked and stood up for the OM now and I am not going to say that you were wrong for taking off the gloves.

 

 

HOWEVER -

 

 

- Loosing your marbles and calling her names and fighting infront of the children and for that matter, involving the children to any degree was over the top and will add another layer of complexity to the equation and will make a true reconciliation that much more difficult.

 

 

- calling the OM with the children involved and having their involvement in that AT ALL even if you did not initiate that was also over the top and will also deepen the hole that all you have to dig yourselves out of.

 

 

- the issue of the drugs is a whole other level of complexity and complication. you haven't mentioned your use or nonuse but even if you aren't using it, if it turns up in your home and around your children, you will still be held accountable to one degree or another, should this whole mess really turn ugly. You have known that she had it in your home around your children and allowed it so it can and will be brought in to question in a divorce/custody dispute and will make things messier even assuming that there will never be any actual drug charges.

 

 

- The disclosure to your friends/family can easily turn around and bite you should you two decide to try for reconciliation. You may eventually be able to forgive her and move on, but your family may not. They may never look at her the same again and they may try to thwart your efforts to R. As was stated earlier, they may have an issue with you wanting to stay with a "whore". Again, just realize that that may have dug the hole that you want to get out of that much deeper.

 

 

- and here's one last thing to keep in mind, even though I may have loosened my stance on this being about retaliation and vengeance a bit, others may not. With that kind of carpet bombing, it will be easy for others including her friends/family, marriage counselors, attorneys, judges etc to think that this was all about retaliating and inflicting pain as well. and once again, that is just making the hole that much deeper.

 

 

- and finally, whether rightly or wrongly, she may see that as something you did just to hurt her and humiliate her and to endanger her employment. The cuts and scars from this may run deep and even though her affair was wrong and parts may have needed to be disclosed to certain people, the fact that much of it was in the heat of the moment and indiscriminate, may cause more pain and damage than can be recoverable.

 

 

- and worst case scenario in terms of her job, the irony here is if she gets canned at her job and this all does lead to a divorce, her attorney may use this all against you and make you out to be the villain that got her fired and you'll end up paying her spousal support.

 

 

I am not saying all of this to get down on you or point fingers. I am saying all of this because this is the situation as it stands that we are all left with.

 

 

Yeah you definitely blew the lid off of this affair and have forced many hands. But it was a pretty big explosion and now there is a lot of debris to be picked up and sorted through and time will tell if things will be able to be put back together or not.

[oldshirt]

The range of reactions when the affair finally boils over is very wide - you know that. This reaction is not surprising to me because he rug-swept himself until the cork blew. Not surprising and not as bad/violent as it sometimes can be.

 

Yeah, that's the part I was missing. I missed that this has been playing out over a period of time. I thought this all happened in an evening when he found the facebook messaging.

[oldshirt]

Yeah, that's the part I was missing. I missed that this has been playing out over a period of time. I thought this all happened in an evening when he found the facebook messaging.

 

I thought he was shooting flies with a shotgun and way over reacting and out of proportion. I realize now that wasn't exactly the case. he may have over reacted or been out of line some and not handled things by the book but there really isn't a 'book' and the reaction wasn't to the degree I thought it was.

 

 

I over reacted myself.

[bamawsp]

Thanks for the response shirt. In retrospect, its hard to disagree with anything you posted above. I appreciate it. I have to own what I did and seek out the best possible result

[drifter777]

I thought he was shooting flies with a shotgun and way over reacting and out of proportion. I realize now that wasn't exactly the case. he may have over reacted or been out of line some and not handled things by the book but there really isn't a 'book' and the reaction wasn't to the degree I thought it was.

 

 

I over reacted myself.

Ok - now my world makes sense again...

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the response shirt. In retrospect, its hard to disagree with anything you posted above. I appreciate it. I have to own what I did and seek out the best possible result

 

 

 

Yup.

 

 

 

 

But to be fair so does she. Her hands are far from clean here as well.

 

 

At this point it is going to take some professional MC to peel back all the layers enough to see if both or either of you even want to try to work through all of this. And if you do, it will take a lot of work and effort from both of you.

 

 

And even if one of both of you decide to divorce, it will still take a lot of work and counseling to get through that without any extra pain and chaos and to keep you off of the Jerry Springer Show.

[aliveagain]

People, give this guy a break. He just discovered his wife has been having an affair with some predator she works with. Exposure to all that have influence over her, that's what we tell people to do, expose the affair. He made the call about telling his children who by the sounds of it already knew mom was cheating on dad. I would never lie to my children to protect their mother, the truth is the truth as long as it's told to them in an age appropriate way. Counselling is a must for your children, they need to come out of this feeling safe.

 

An affair is an affair regardless if sex or emotions are involved. Bamawsp you do whatever you need to do to defend your family. When your wife chose to have an affair with a co-worker she knew the risk to her family and to her employment if discovered, don't let her blame shifting make you lose site of your ultimate goal.

 

Remember, she chose to make a bond with you by committing herself to be your wife, what holds that bond together is trust. Having an affair really fu*ks that up, breaking that trust is also a conscious choice. Any man that will soil another mans wife deserves all the exposure he gets and than some. Fu*k him, focus on protecting your family and make sure there is a consequence for betrayal. Forgiveness and a second chance shouldn't be expected, a second chance is earned and only you can give that. She showed you who she is, decide if this is who you want to grow old with than choose the path best for you and your children. You are the prize, she is just another cheater that got caught. You tell her what you need to stay in this relationship, tell her your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them. If she can't agree to them why waste any more time. Hold your ground, you did nothing wrong and there is no right or wrong when it comes to forgiveness in regards to infidelity. You do what ever it takes to make you and your children safe. She can be fired as your wife.

 

Please consider buying a VAR(voice activated recorder) and carry it on you at all times, you don't know where this is going yet.

[sandylee1]

At some point, you're going to have to decide if it's a good idea to continue to tell people the wife you plan on taking back is a "whore"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well said Mr Lucky.

 

OP - If you keep saying that people that you've exposed her to will wonder why you are so keen to reconcile with 'the whore'.

 

You know exposure is good BUT as with everything it has a downside . ....very often once the couple reconcile , family and friends don't forgive the WS and the BS has ended up severing ties with their parents and other family members as a result.

 

When they say your W is not welcome in their home, that would really be tricky. I'm not saying for a fact it will happen, but it's happened with couples in the past.

 

It's hard to be in a marriage when everyone hates your WW because of the affair. I agree she caused it, but it affects your going forward.

 

I do hope you didn't call her that name in front of the kids as well. That could be used against you in a custody battle. As it is not in the best interest of the children to hear their mother being spoken to that way. That's how the courts will view it.

[Friskyone4u]

Bama

 

Glad you are moving forward. Let the debaters who want to debate about your kids talk to one another sand tune them out .

If they have stayed with a cheating spouse solely for the kids that is their choice. How to deal with your wife's affair is totally your choice. And your chances of R in a workplace affair that is not outed dramatically decrease. Just about all the books on infidelity say the job has to go . Do not feel guilty.

And your child found the communication on her phone. I suppose some would think lying to them and bringing them up with a cheating mother is just fine.

You posted to get advice on her affair . Unfortunately some have decided they are going to give you parenting lessons on what they have decided is right for you.

You need to brace yourself for some more revelations and make sure you verify where she went tonight or whenever she says she is going out drinking.

[SycamoreCircle]

Please consider buying a VAR(voice activated recorder) and carry it on you at all times, you don't know where this is going yet.

I wish this thread would start to turn more in this direction. Are we going to argue another 10 pages over how the BS handled things? Let's try to give him something he can use.

[oldshirt]

.....and while you may have thought that my agenda was for you to divorce, my actual preliminary hunch is that you two will remain married.

 

 

I'm not necessarily saying that it will be a perfect, happy, healthy marriage per se but there is passion here. It may not be a healthy passion at the moment but there is a lot of emotion here at the moment.

 

 

People often calm down and come to their senses after the pots and pans have been tossed around and then come to bargaining table when they are ready to lick their wounds. Sometimes then the issues that lead to blow up can be worked out.

 

 

Its the people that feel nothing and are numb and simply don't care anymore that are hard to pull back from the brink.

 

 

-I'll concede one more thing to Drifter77 - the guys that sit and wring their hands and whine and buttbleed yet ultimately DO NOTHING, lose. .....pretty much every single time.

 

 

The guys that blow up $h!T and break things and hurt people's feelings and have everyone all riled up telling them all the things they did that were wrong, usually ride off into the sunset with the girl in the end.

[SycamoreCircle]

Aliveagain, if memory serves, you're always speaking up in situations where betrayed men are in the grips of divorce. Is there anything you can predict to help the OP cover his @ss?

[aliveagain]

Aliveagain, if memory serves, you're always speaking up in situations where betrayed men are in the grips of divorce. Is there anything you can predict to help the OP cover his @ss?

 

Absolutely, decide on what it is you want than work towards that goal. Listen to your lawyer. Always keep your word.