Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[Chi townD]

Holy sh*t. Can we please stop beating a dead horse.

 

 

Pages and pages on how dare he tell his kids, how dare he even expose the affair, how dare he expose to her work, how dare he contact HIS folks.

 

 

What's done is done. Can't change it. Now, can we please move forward with what he SHOULD be doing?

 

 

Personally, I think you need to get you kids into counseling as well. They might need it, especially if reconciliation is off the table.

[SycamoreCircle]

I also wonder if there's any way the kids could stay at their grandparents or uncle's place until the jets have cooled.

[bamawsp]

Sycamore. Wife and I have committed to an in house truce in front of the children at the advice of our MC. No more fighting. If anger strikes I am to walk away. I promised my children not to fight and I intend on honoring my vows.

 

Save it for the safety of our MC's office.

[Spectre]

Wife says it was an emotional affair, the husband may assume otherwise but there is no proof that this was a PA.

 

Sweet, then it just changes to "she had it in her power not to have an emotional affair". Also, sorry, I don't trust cheaters. There is no proof it was a PA, but meh she's a cheater.

 

If that is true, OP you may have dug a serious hole for yourself. You've jeopardized this woman's professional well-being---I hope you have hard evidence.

 

Utter BS, again. She cheated. Emotional or physical? It deserved to be exposed. Also, he jeopardized NOT A SINGLE THING. The woman who had the affair did. Emotional, physical, doesn't matter one bit.

 

But I don't get this at all. So help me out. She cheats, she chooses to do it. Husband finds out, tells boss. You come away from that with "oh well HE jeopardized her professional well being!". Just..what.the.hell? How can you type that with a straight face? How can you acknowledge she had an affair of SOME KIND and yet put this on him? Whether or not she physically banged the dude matters not, she cheated. Emotional, physical, spiritual, it doesn't matter the method.

 

See, you could of pointed out how he could of hurt her career..while still making sure it is known that this is ultimately her own fault. But nope, you said not a damn word about how she did this to herself, it was just "well you jeopardized her career! The one having an affair with a co worker for some reason had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT".

 

The boss is "fair game", sure. But a good idea? Probably not. Friends and relatives, I am with you. Expose expose expose. Tell everyone who will listen. Friends family, her family, OM's family. That guy in the bar you met. The supermarket checkout girl. Everyone.

 

But the boss. Just because you have a "right" to tell, doesn't mean it's sensible. What will happen if she gets fired because of this?

 

She will stay at home and be a "full time mom". When the custody battle goes to court she will get a larger share of parental care because she's already been acting as a full-time mom. He will become an every-other-weekend dad rather than having a good shot at 50/50 care.

 

She will have no income, and will have a much better alimony claim.

 

So yeah, he has every "right" to tell her boss, but it's a pretty dumb thing to do.

 

Nice, dumb thing to do indeed. Sort of like cheating with a co worker, right? Maybe it was dumb, but then again..I guaran-damn-tee you this woman will think twice before she cheats with a co-worker in her next relationship.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Spectre

[Satu]

Sycamore. Wife and I have committed to an in house truce in front of the children at the advice of our MC. No more fighting. If anger strikes I am to walk away. I promised my children not to fight and I intend on honoring my vows.

 

Save it for the safety of our MC's office.

 

I think thats all for the best and the right way forward.

 

Good luck.

[Spectre]

Sycamore. Wife and I have committed to an in house truce in front of the children at the advice of our MC. No more fighting. If anger strikes I am to walk away. I promised my children not to fight and I intend on honoring my vows.

 

I commend you, at least one person in this marriage knows how to honor vows. It's too bad both parties didn't because then we wouldn't be here.

 

Well good luck, though my advice is no matter what your MC says you should not stay married to this woman.

[SycamoreCircle]

Sycamore. Wife and I have committed to an in house truce in front of the children at the advice of our MC. No more fighting. If anger strikes I am to walk away. I promised my children not to fight and I intend on honoring my vows.

 

Save it for the safety of our MC's office.

May I ask, are the two of you planning to sleep in the same room together?

[bamawsp]

Probably not. We didn't last night. I'll probably sleep upstairs. She texted me she would be home in an hour over 30 minutes ago. I responded 'be safe'

[harrybrown]

Has she gone NC with the OM?

[Mr. Lucky]

Has she gone NC with the OM?

 

And what will be your reaction this week if you find she's communicating with him? I'd guess she is, if for no other reason than to deal with the fallout.

 

Do you know if she's spoken to a lawyer?

 

Mr. Lucky

[bamawsp]

I have photographic evidence that she cut it off with AP but I wasn't supposed to know. I hacked into her Facebook and there is 4 lengthy messages from AP that he feels like a disgusting human being for causing all this. He said he swore to stand by her side forever because he cannot help who he falls in love with. He is crying that it's over and heartbroken because of what she and my children had to hear from their father and the pain he caused.

 

I told her thanks for breaking it off and she called me psychotic for checking her Facebook. Not all the way there but it appears on a certain level exposure has worked. He kept saying 'it didn't have to be this way'. I have the screenshots saved in a safe location where he admits he is the cause. Moving forward while avoiding fights and sleeping upstairs.

[SycamoreCircle]

I have photographic evidence that she cut it off with AP but I wasn't supposed to know. I hacked into her Facebook and there is 4 lengthy messages from AP that he feels like a disgusting human being for causing all this. He said he swore to stand by her side forever because he cannot help who he falls in love with. He is crying that it's over and heartbroken because of what she and my children had to hear from their father and the pain he caused.

 

I told her thanks for breaking it off and she called me psychotic for checking her Facebook. Not all the way there but it appears on a certain level exposure has worked. He kept saying 'it didn't have to be this way'. I have the screenshots saved in a safe location where he admits he is the cause. Moving forward while avoiding fights and sleeping upstairs.

What a load of shyte---that homewrecking scumbag doesn't know the first thing about love. He'll be banging someone else's wife in a few weeks.

 

As for your wife, I have trouble feeling that things can just return to normal. All of her snide, under the breath comments come off like a grounded teenager. As with most cheaters, there is some kind of emotional immaturity that needs to be dealt with before any kind of serious loving relationship can happen. And that usually points to a lack of self-respect or self-love.

[bamawsp]

I agree Sycamore on all accounts

[Selfish]

I am not a fan of scorched earth policy to spark R for one really big reason only.

 

Who the H E L L would feel safe again with someone who when discovered and saw the pain on their BS face didn't care and want to R?

 

Really? I also think "the fog" is an over used term. Does someone really want a spouse who has to be punished, manipulated, controlled and drug back into the marriage. Even the 180 for R seems off to me. Does one really want a spouse who only wants what they can't have?

 

That's my personal opinion on that.

 

OP, I'm sorry you are hurting. As far as it goes. Your wife is not into R. I'm not into giving R advice when you don't have the important elements. A WS who fully 100% wants to R (not to say there aren't tough times) and a BS who wants to be able to forgive the WS (and I also believe BS can take some time one this... But I don't think WS should get that chance)

 

As to what will recommend. Counseling for the kids ASAP. They got exposed to far to much crap (glad you aren't believing road now and his bull about what you did being perfect). And counseling for yourself. You need the support. You need to eat and stay healthy for you kids and make sure to make good choices here on out because sadly, someone has to be the better person for the kids. Fair? No. But that is the way it is. (Or should be). Oh and the counsellor might help you work on your fear of Divorce.

 

Hang in there. For your kids and for yourself

[PegNosePete]

I told her thanks for breaking it off and she called me psychotic for checking her Facebook.

Dude I have some serious advice for you. I am not going to judge you for hacking her facebook, in fact, quite the opposite. I believe that to save a marriage you need to lay down the law. The fact that she is calling you psychotic simply because you don't trust her, is very worrying. Why the hell should you trust her after what she's done? In fact you should have NO TRUST whatsoever. You posted earlier that she was going out with a female friend. Are you sure that's where she went? If she told me that, I would not have believed her. She needs to regain your trust.

 

She has been giving you all kinds of mixed messages. She has had long enough to think what she wants. If I were you I would tell her you want an answer RIGHT NOW, whether she wants to save the marriage or not. Any kind of indecision means "no". If she wants to save it then you'll do all you can but you need to know RIGHT NOW. I would tell her that if she's not ALL IN, then she's out.

 

If she says she's all in, then I would say there are some terms and conditions to you taking her back, after what she has done. If she doesn't agree to these terms and conditions, or does agree to them but breaks them later, then it's over. Then tell her the conditions one at a time:

 

1) Since she has betrayed your trust in the worst way possible, you have ZERO trust in her words, and you need to verify that the affair is truly over. She will hand over her phone, facebook and email passwords, everything, right now and you will check them. No going to the toilet first (to delete evidence). No hesitations and no holding back. She will allow you to monitor all communication. She has NO PRIVACY. In time your trust will be re-built and she can have her privacy back, but for now it is ZERO and she needs to prove herself to you. Her words are not enough.

 

2) She will tell you exactly what happened between them, right now. Not gory details, but how far it went, how often, etc. You need to know if it was a PA, what she did, etc. If you later find out she has lied or omitted anything then it is OVER. She has lied and betrayed you, if she is still lying then your marriage is over. This is her one and only chance to come clean.

 

3) She will never speak or have any kind of contact with the OM again. She will go to all possible lengths to prevent communication: block him on all social media, block his email, block his phone number. If he contacts her then she will not respond, but will bring it to your attention immediately and you will decide the appropriate response (if any) together.

 

4) You will attend MC (you're already doing this, so should be no problem).

 

If she doesn't like these terms then OP, you need to do the difficult thing, and realize that she isn't committed enough to save the marriage. And if she isn't committed, how do you think it can be saved? I would tell her that if she's not going to commit to saving the marriage then you'll be cancelling the MC session and seeing a divorce lawyer instead.

[SycamoreCircle]

Pete's advice is great, but a truly tall order. I just can't see this woman whipping her own @ss into shape. If anything, OP has set himself up as punishing mean-o Daddy to her mine-mine-mine Little Girl. She's pining for her Romeo, the one man who truly loved her, who understood her, who will meet her at midnight on the balcony and steal her away from the hideous, corrupt tyrant King and carry her off to paradise.

 

I also wouldn't trust a fµcking word out of her mouth. That whole friend thing after work---dubious...

[Toodaloo]

OP I am glad that you seem to be calming down and being more rational. I am also very glad that you have some of LoveShacks "Old timers" who have been there and got through one way or another.

 

Please be very careful. Be careful with your emotions and your actions as I am afraid to say it I don't think your wife is taking kindly to this and I don't think its going to end positively no matter what you do.

 

Keep up the MC.

Keep up your boundaries.

Keep looking after yourself and be careful.

Keep telling your kids that you love them and take one day at a time.

 

Good luck OP. You have people here giving you better advice than I can right now so please listen to it as they are trying to help you.

[elaine567]

That whole friend thing after work---dubious...

 

I have to agree, the friend may have been in on this secret all the time and may be covering for her now.

But as I do not know either of them it may have been a genuine meet up.

 

As you want to reconcile, then you will have to play a cleverer game than if you want a divorce.

You know her personality, you have to work out how you can get her back, how you can convince her that the other man is not her preferred option, or that living alone is not her preferred option.

 

Many on here are fans of the alpha male, neanderthal approach. Drag her kicking and screaming back into the marriage, but that will only work if she wants to accept that.

I don't know why your wife cheated, but many women who cheat*, it appears to me are done with the marriage, many have been carrying emotional weight for years and don't want to do that any more.

They signed up for commitment and respect and good times, but get landed what to them, seems like a glorified nanny and skivvy job, with all of the responsibility and few of the good times.

 

They see themselves as Cinderella, unloved and unappreciated and along comes Prince Charming...

Dragging Cinderella by force back to the kitchen, may work, but she will be dead inside and going through the motions or she may again escape to the palace for some fun.

 

I know your instinct is to punish and assert dominance, but I feel that is the road to divorce.

I know it goes against all sense of right and justice to appear to pander to her, but for a woman to cheat, seems to me a huge sign of an unhealthy marriage.

You need to work out how you can fix it long term, if you want her back and happy again.

Resentful women do not make good companions.

(*I am presuming here that your wife is not someone who is predisposed to cheat, serial cheaters I feel are a lost cause and the only solution there is divorce)

Edited February 25, 2015 by elaine567
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[SycamoreCircle]

I don't entirely agree with the idea that women cheat because they are in unhappy marriages. That implies that two people are not working together. Marriages and/or serious relationships require work, discipline and emotional maturity. My partner's happiness is not my sole responsibility. If something is not working, then my partner owes it to me to communicate their dissatisfaction. As a loving partner, my responsibility then becomes to aid them through their unhappiness as best I can.

 

Affairs often begin without the other partner realizing that anything is wrong. When that is the case, the person involved in the affair has withheld their unhappiness. Why? I believe it's because the unhappy person deep down realizes that the lack is not in the marriage, but within themselves. Their own self-love, their own self-worth is disabled. They then create a semi-fictional world of problems with the spouse to justify the slope of betrayal they embark on. But it all stems from their own self-value.

[oldshirt]

 

. Even the 180 for R seems off to me. Does one really want a spouse who only wants what they can't have?

 

 

 

 

The 180 is not and never has been a reconciliation program.

 

It is a game plan for moving on with your own life in the most efficient and effective means and not allowing your ex to use or manipulate you or keep you hanging on.

 

It is a moving on program, not a reconciliation program.

 

Some WS' s do capitulate and come around during the 180 once they realize their back plan and safety net are not going to be in place but that is not the intent or end goal of the 180.

[road]

Him exposing an affair is not being Neanderthal.

 

 

He is not forcing his WW to recover the marriage.

 

 

He is being a man standing up to his WW. And that loser sneak behind the back low life thief in the night OM.

 

 

I sorry there are so many uniformed people posting on this thread. For it is not normal behavior for most WW's to fall on their knees and beg for forgiveness. A lot of WW's attack their BH the way this WW is doing.

 

 

For she is acting as an other addict. For she is being threaten with the cut off of her source of addiction, the OM. All addicts lash out when being faced with forced to go dry.

 

 

This is why she is still hostile towards her BH. Calling him psycho, Her behavior is due to her trying to keep her drug of choice, the OM, still available. For her BH has taken steps to cut off her supply.

 

 

This WW is acting ugly because she has been forced to leave the Egypt, she can no longer live in the Land of Denial and must face that her banging the OM was ugly behavior and she now knows that others see her as behavior as being ugly as well.

 

 

She knows now that for her self to be redeemed she will have to clean up her act.

[Buckeye2]

My H was not "cool" with my infidelity and in no way did I dictate the terms of reconciliation. He chose to give me another chance. The decision to R was in his hands. Had he chose to expose it to the world I would not have agreed to HIS terms. I'm being honest here. Exposing an affair sometimes back fires. It's not necessarily the only way to save a marriage after infidelity.

 

So you had an affair and accepted your husband's forgiveness. But you wouldn’t consider forgiving him for telling people about it.

[oldshirt]

I have photographic evidence that she cut it off with AP but I wasn't supposed to know. I hacked into her Facebook and there is 4 lengthy messages from AP

 

 

 

 

 

 

I told her thanks for breaking it off and she called me psychotic for checking her Facebook.

 

.

 

Letting her know you hacked her FB was a mistake. Now she is going to go deeper underground and find another more secure means of communicating with him. Do NOT reveal any more of your sources of information. You want to have her thinking she has a secure means of communication with the OM and let her guard down.

 

The reason you need to be able keep tabs on her is because if she is still involved with OM then any attempts at R are in vain and any MC etc etc will be a waste of time and money and will give false hopes.

 

From here forward don't give her any indication that you are investigating.

 

You are now going to have to bump things up a notch and install keylogger programs on her computers, stash VAR s in her car and any place in the house that she may have private conversations.

 

It may seem distasteful and disingenuous to be snooping but in order for you to make a good faith effort at R, you have to have confidence that she is no longer involved with OM.

 

And in order for her to make any progress with R, OM has to be completely out of the picture and if he isn't out of the picture, that means it is a false R and she is trying to have her cake and eat it too and not really committing to the marriage.

[elaine567]

I don't entirely agree with the idea that women cheat because they are in unhappy marriages. That implies that two people are not working together. Marriages and/or serious relationships require work, discipline and emotional maturity. My partner's happiness is not my sole responsibility. If something is not working, then my partner owes it to me to communicate their dissatisfaction. As a loving partner, my responsibility then becomes to aid them through their unhappiness as best I can.

 

Affairs often begin without the other partner realizing that anything is wrong. When that is the case, the person involved in the affair has withheld their unhappiness. Why? I believe it's because the unhappy person deep down realizes that the lack is not in the marriage, but within themselves. Their own self-love, their own self-worth is disabled. They then create a semi-fictional world of problems with the spouse to justify the slope of betrayal they embark on. But it all stems from their own self-value.

 

Yes there will be women who deep down have lack within themselves, but

I do not believe that problems some cheating wives have with their spouse are semi-fictional or made up. I do not believe that all the unhappiness is all in their own minds and that the marriage was indeed fantastic.

I feel for some couples, it may be just a convenient out for a BS to think that the problems are all in the cheater's head. The cheater in R may themselves agree to that façade in order to make amends, and to avoid causing further hurt to the BS.

[oldshirt]

In addition to the heightened surveillance to confirm the NC, here are some other pointers -

 

- Get a lawyer ASAP and start drawing up divorce plans and papers.

 

- under your lawyers guidance, start protecting your financial assets and properties and resources (ie moving funds from joint accounts to your individual accounts, changing credit cards etc etc)

 

- her drug usage must be addressed (and yours too if you are also using). People who have intoxicants in their system or who's brain's haven't completely recovered from past use are incapable of acting, reacting and reasoning like a sane, rational person.

 

- in addition to preparing for a divorce, start envisioning what you want your post divorce life to be and start working towards that. The more prepared you are for life after divorce, the less fearful you will be about divorce and the less likely you will be manipulated by her and less likely you will settle for being mistreated in a bad marriage.