Caught Wife in affair w/ coworker (Updated)

[sandylee1]

This isn't a tit for tat game. I exposed the affair in hopes of expediting her termination of the affair. No other way was working. If this doesn't work then it's over, but I am going to fight for my family until it is futile.

 

 

I totally agree exposure was the right thing here and is recommended to end the affair. ....BUT. ... The children need not have been told. At least not now. That only hurts them and will make them think badly of their mother, which I know she caused.

 

My heart goes out to your 12 year old leaving a voicemail on the OMs phone. Any decent human being would end the A after hearing that message. ..but your kids will never forget this feeling and that is so not fair.

 

Your decisions obviously, but I speak as someone who discovered my father was having an A as a child. I will never ever forget the pain I felt as around 10 years old. He doesn't know I knew about it, but it's horrible. No child should carry that burden. They are too young right now.

 

No free pass for infidelity from me.

[kendahke]

I'm prepared for any result, but I am looking for support.

 

You don't need support from people you'll never know in real life if you believe as strongly as you do that right is on your side. You have more than enough support within yourself to make this journey you've started. Only someone who is not sure of the path they're taking seeks support. You have gone on for 6 pages declaring how right you are and everyone who weighs in with an opinion different from yours is wrong, so go forth and do what you must. It's right, isn't it?

[Friskyone4u]

Bama

 

You have one responder on here who seems determined to paint you as the bad guy here . Tune her or him out as you have done. They have an agenda.

 

Hand your wife divorce papers and send her off to he boyfriend who lives with his parents . Yo come here having had your world ripped apart and you getting lectured is outrageous . Lent simpleton babble on. Most of us empathize with your situation and screw her work reputation .

She deserves any shame she gets

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I just want to say that I'm sorry for your pain.

 

You have a tremendous learning curve in front of you. It's going to be painful. Everything you're feeling is natural. You can't have the life you had before, but I promise that if you hold on and do the best you can, you'll be a much richer, wiser person by the end.

 

I know some posters, including myself, have come down hard on you. You're still reeling from the discovery. How fortunate that you found this forum so quickly! I promise if you'll devote some of your emotional trauma to this forum, you'll gain vast new insights.

 

For now, just try to take one day at a time. And trust that you're strong enough to get through this.

 

:-)

[Toodaloo]

For the record, none of the children lashed out at me. The kid privy to the text messages lashed out at her mother.

 

You may continue the bash fest.........

 

Of course the child was angry with Mum! Doesn't mean that 10 years down the line its going to help though does it?!

 

Please listen to reason and like likes of Peg Nose and Betrayed etc. They have been there, done that, written the book done the TV show and got out the other side.

 

I know you are torn up, hurting like hell and angry and sad and a whole heap of other things at the moment but lashing out is not going to do you goo din the long run.

 

Listen to Satu. You need to eat even if you feel you can't, you need to force yourself to look after yourself. Get to the doctor if you need help with sleep etc.

 

When you feel it all bubbling up remove yourself and calm down.

 

I really feel for you I really do. But having watched a good friend ruin himself emotionally, physically, mentally and financially as well as loosing contact with his children, his home etc over the past 18 months I do not want anyone else to go through that. It wasn't his fault either but because he couldn't be calm and rational he is now screwed. Don't let it happen to you.

[Clay]

You don't need support from people you'll never know in real life if you believe as strongly as you do that right is on your side. You have more than enough support within yourself to make this journey you've started. Only someone who is not sure of the path they're taking seeks support. You have gone on for 6 pages declaring how right you are and everyone who weighs in with an opinion different from yours is wrong, so go forth and do what you must. It's right, isn't it?

 

I get what your saying he should find the strength within himself to do what is right but he should also have the freedom to come get a different point of view and sometimes a outsider is the best point of view you can have. I wished I would had knew about these places when I went through what I did. It was brutal doing it on my own. I did take custody of my four kids. I had to fight my xW every step of the way not to mention the constant lies she told the kids. It seems like a every day battle what I would have given for a little extra support during that time.

 

Clay

[misty12]

Absolutely Misty. She's been doing it for awhile to validate her affair. I'm sure you're familiar with that.

 

I just don't believe your kids are old enough to understand what you are telling them. What does a 7 year old know of sexual infidelity and why is this a conversation they should be having with any adult? I know my parents had issues with each other but they would never dare pull me into it and try to turn me against the other. Young children in my opinion should not be put in a position to 'take sides'. By doing so you are undermine the respect and authority dynamic between the child and parent.

[stillafool]

OP, keep posting and sooner or later the conversation will turn to helping you instead of telling you what a mistake you've made by telling your kids. It may take time but it will happen. You can obtain alot of help from this forum so don't stop posting.

[whichwayisup]

You don't need support from people you'll never know in real life if you believe as strongly as you do that right is on your side. You have more than enough support within yourself to make this journey you've started. Only someone who is not sure of the path they're taking seeks support. You have gone on for 6 pages declaring how right you are and everyone who weighs in with an opinion different from yours is wrong, so go forth and do what you must. It's right, isn't it?

 

You have no right to tell someone NOT to post for online support. That's just cruel and uncalled for. And think, next time you are going through something and reach out, how would you like a response like this?

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, keep posting and sooner or later the conversation will turn to helping you instead of telling you what a mistake you've made by telling your kids. It may take time but it will happen. You can obtain alot of help from this forum so don't stop posting.

I agree. It's in the past and it's clear OP is still in a state of shock. It's important to focus on more practical things now.

[kendahke]

I get what your saying he should find the strength within himself to do what is right but he should also have the freedom to come get a different point of view and sometimes a outsider is the best point of view you can have. I wished I would had knew about these places when I went through what I did. It was brutal doing it on my own. I did take custody of my four kids. I had to fight my xW every step of the way not to mention the constant lies she told the kids. It seems like a every day battle what I would have given for a little extra support during that time.

 

Clay

 

I agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying. For 6+ pages, OP indicates that he doesn't want a different point of view. He wants validation for a view he's not going to change--and I'm not saying that I blame him for that. He feels he's right and IMO, that's all he needs to proceed. Infidelity is a nasty business and yes, I've been through this meat grinder myself. But I also had people in my life who grabbed my coat tail before I went head first over the precipice because I thought my salt and scorched earth policy was the best way to go. I listened to them and thought about what they had to say--I didn't dismiss them outright as if they were just a bunch of weak minded numbskulls because they weren't the ones hurting like me or weren't telling me what I wanted to hear.

 

OP has had nothing but nastiness and vitriol for anyone who has implored him to scale back the destruction when it comes to the children and to the wife's job . They are putting that out there because chances are, especially with the way the court systems are in this country, he may still end up paying in some way he's not even factoring in because of his actions. The court may look at his mental stability and say "because he did this, he's not really a safe person for the children to be with", and a good lawyer will exploit that. We're just saying "don't hand her lawyer ammunition to use against you in court if it goes there".

 

It is always good policy to cool down and not react on impulse. That is all most people on here are saying. It's really easy for people whose lives are not going to be affected by his actions to say "damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!!" They're going to sign off and go about their happy lives. OP is still going to be in that whirlpool of anger and disgust and he needs to find a way to stop his heading towards and disappearing over the emotional "event horizon".

 

If he is cool with facing these scenarios because he feels the tack he took was appropriate, then that's all he needs to proceed. He should go ahead and keep to this path since right is on his side.

[kendahke]

You have no right to tell someone NOT to post for online support. That's just cruel and uncalled for. And think, next time you are going through something and reach out, how would you like a response like this?

 

Rights have nothing to do with this.

[whichwayisup]

I agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying. For 6+ pages, OP indicates that he doesn't want a different point of view. .

 

This all JUST happened. Nobody takes advice asap, they need to digest it for a while before it sinks in. Give him time.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with some of the above posts---outing the affair to the children and to her boss was uncalled for.

 

But...what's done is done.

 

My advice is try to proceed with as little contact as possible. The two of you are going to need to get away from each other. Keep the contact you have with her unemotional and efficient.

 

Yes, I would expect some sort of retaliation on her part. I'm betting she has already contacted a lawyer.

 

BetrayedH, a member of LS, has a very good understanding of the steps necessary when dealing with divorce and a wayward spouse. Although, he may find your position too complicated after the scorched earth tactic you just employed.

 

 

Yeah, he is more of a scorched couch kind of guy.

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with all of you.

 

I think we need to assist in helping OP cool off. Let's give him some direction. For NOW.

[sandylee1]

It's sad indeed.

What has the world come to?!

 

If there is any justice in the world, this women should never see her children again!

 

I'm no fan of cheating, but I don't see why you'd say she shouldn't see her kids again. Honestly.......let's be real here.

[TrustedthenBusted]

got me thinking. My kids are 10 and 12. ( Boys ) and they know ALL about cheating from school, and they even know that some of their friend's parents have broken up over it.

 

They don't understand the devastation of course, but they know right from wrong, and I think there are ways to let them know why their parents are splitting up that are truthful and helpful.

 

Funny, the first ( and only) time my older son said the word "whore" he was about 6 and asking me if that's what Mary Jane from Spiderman was, because she keeps kissing Harry, then Peter, then Spiderman. Lol.

 

I just said " yes, son."

[Chi townD]

I'm not going to bash on you dude. In fact, I agree with you.

 

 

If you're trying to save your marriage, then exposure is vital. Affairs are like roaches. They LOVE the dark. But what happens when you turn on the light? They scatter. Well, all you did was bring the affair into the light. But, telling a 7 y/o, I have to question that too.

 

 

However, when you have all these people knowing of her affair, there's a strong chance people aren't going to be too accepting of her new relationship. A lot of jobs have morality clauses about dating at work. Her parents aren't going to be happy about this and neither is yours. You're kids are already mad at her and it's going to make it even harder for her to leave at night to see her affair partner if her kids know the reason why she's leaving. Might snap her out of her affair fog.

 

 

Another aspect is that the OM might throw your wife under the bus because of all this new pressure being put on him. He might think, "this chick isn't worth all of this drama!" And they go running off. THEN, your wife will truly see the kind of guy she fell for.

 

 

As for her lashing out at you after exposure, that's NORMAL! You screwed up her other relationship and her plans. SO, of course, she's going to say some mean and hurtful things. You just don't respond to them.

 

 

Heads up because things are about to get interesting.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I still maintain that the two of you need to be AWAY from each other for at least a few days. If that means you need to go stay with a friend, do so. There may be people on here that blast, "Hell no, it's his house. He didn't cheat. That whore should be the one out the door." But that is all a matter of pride. The most important thing is that the two of you get to a place where, on some level, you are able to communicate. So, what are the sleeping arrangements for tonight? Will she be at the house?

[Chi townD]

OP, I still maintain that the two of you need to be AWAY from each other for at least a few days. If that means you need to go stay with a friend, do so. There may be people on here that blast, "Hell no, it's his house. He didn't cheat. That whore should be the one out the door." But that is all a matter of pride. The most important thing is that the two of you get to a place where, on some level, you are able to communicate. So, what are the sleeping arrangements for tonight? Will she be at the house?

 

 

 

Sorry dude, But, I think he needs to stay put. If he up and leaves for a few days, that's all the time she needs to see a lawyer and get a RO out on him stating that he abandoned the martial home, therefore he has no business being there. She's hot right now, so I wouldn't put it past her.

[sandylee1]

There really is no need to call the OPs wife a whore or a skanky wife. The simple fact that someone has an affair does not make them a whore. She's still his wife and it's nobody's place here to be name calling.

 

BTW I am not a WW.

[SycamoreCircle]

Sorry dude, But, I think he needs to stay put. If he up and leaves for a few days, that's all the time she needs to see a lawyer and get a RO out on him stating that he abandoned the martial home, therefore he has no business being there. She's hot right now, so I wouldn't put it past her.

You may be right. I don't know too much about marital rights and infringements. I guess I'm thinking in a purely practical sense.

 

If he took the kids to go stay with his parents---could that be viewed as improper?

[mintcondition]

You did the right thing by confronting her and blowing this whole charade wide open IF, and it's a big if, you just want to end it and move on QUICK! This is the way to go about doing it because you have put her on the defensive in a big way and she will forever hold you in contempt because of that. So divorce her ASAP and move on. She will never recover from having been exposed in a big way, but she didn't have to recover from cheating on you because it came natural. See where I'm going with this?

 

I don't understand why you felt the need to expose the AP by contacting his family and what not. Who cares?? He's not the problem but she is the problem. He's single and just taking advantage of free sex. Trust me, if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Women who have affairs want their egos stroked and want to feel desired....that's all. It's an innate trait in her DNA. She probably had other affairs too.

[Chi townD]

There really is no need to call the OPs wife a whore or a skanky wife. The simple fact that someone has an affair does not make them a whore. She's still his wife and it's nobody's place here to be name calling.

 

BTW I am not a WW.

 

He's mad, upset and angry and even HE called his wife a whore. And he has a right to feel that way. He wants her to feel a little bit of the pain that she's causing him. As for everyone else, he's probably causing some people o trigger. Is it right? No. But, people to trigger and have a knee jerk reaction.

[Chi townD]

You may be right. I don't know too much about marital rights and infringements. I guess I'm thinking in a purely practical sense.

 

If he took the kids to go stay with his parents---could that be viewed as improper?

 

 

 

Yeah, dude, If you read the first post in his other thread, she already told him that she doesn't feel "safe" there. Yet, she won't leave. Him leaving is all she needs to file an RO on him and he loses the house.