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11 Lies We Need to Stop Telling About Breakups


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Hello all.

A good article about breakups. Here is the source, where you can access more info (i.e. links of the studies): link

 

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11 Lies We Need to Stop Telling About Breakups

 

We can all agree: Breakups are the worst.

 

But, as one of the most universal experiences stemming from romance, it's a circumstance many of us can relate to. The average woman, for example, will experience severe heartbreak at least twice before she ends up with a long-term partner — if she ever does.

 

While lifestyle magazines may force-feed us supposedly foolproof methods for getting over a breakup (ice cream, sobbing, Tinder binges) and others may emphasize the seven "normal" phases of a breakup, the aftermath of splitting from someone you truly care about is enormously complex and unique for every person.

 

People deal with breakups in different and much messier ways than the media would have you believe. Here are 11 lies about breakups we need to stop telling ourselves — and each other.

 

 

1. You shouldn't dwell on it.

 

Yes, you should. A recent study from the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that critically thinking about and dwelling on a past relationship (preferably while eating a tub of ice cream) might actually expedite the healing process. By allowing ourselves to work out what went wrong in a relationship, researchers found that recently heartbroken people could quickly rebuild the sense of self they once had as a single person, according to the study.

 

What's a healthy mourning period? However long it takes, but the sooner we verbalize emotions, the sooner we can leave them behind. That's how an attached "we" becomes a confident, single "I."

 

 

2. Men initiate breakups most often.

 

Wrong. It turns out that women are much more effective at initiating breakups than men.

 

A survey Cosmopolitan reported last year found that, on average, women take about six days to decide to break up with a partner, while men agonize over the decision for about 10. That's because, according to the study, 88% percent of men are working carefully to frame a polite "exit strategy." While there aren't a lot of stats about who dumps who in premarital breakups, past research indicates that women initiate about 66% of divorces.

 

 

3. Rebound relationships and sex don't work.

 

Actually, they do. In many cases, experts recommend using rebounds — short flings or even longer-term relationships — as a healthy way to assess yourself and what you're looking for in a new partner.

 

This troubling gendered myth not only paints women dealing with breakups as pathetic, but also does a disservice to men who are trying to get over the person of their dreams.

 

A 2010 study from the Journal of Health and Social Behavior examined the effect of men's and women's relationships on their mental health and found that, "[w]hile current involvements and recent breakups are more closely associated with women's than men's mental health, support and strain in an ongoing relationship are more closely associated with men's than women's emotional well-being."

 

In sum, men often rely on their partners, rather than friends, for emotional intimacy and personal support, and losing that support during a breakup can cause a lot of emotional distress. As Men's Health points out, "Women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a breakup, whereas men are typically unprepared for it." But it's okay, dudes; the truth is that we all have an incredibly hard time getting over a breakup.

 

 

4. Men cope with breakups better than women do.

 

This troubling gendered myth not only paints women dealing with breakups as pathetic, but also does a disservice to men who are trying to get over the person of their dreams.

 

A 2010 study from the Journal of Health and Social Behavior examined the effect of men's and women's relationships on their mental health and found that, "[w]hile current involvements and recent breakups are more closely associated with women's than men's mental health, support and strain in an ongoing relationship are more closely associated with men's than women's emotional well-being."

 

In sum, men often rely on their partners, rather than friends, for emotional intimacy and personal support, and losing that support during a breakup can cause a lot of emotional distress. As Men's Health points out, "Women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a breakup, whereas men are typically unprepared for it." But it's okay, dudes; the truth is that we all have an incredibly hard time getting over a breakup.

 

 

5. It's totally cool to still follow your ex on social media.

 

No. Unfriend and unfollow immediately. It's really bad for you.

 

A 2012 study conducted by Western University found that around 88% of individuals dealing with a breakup in the last 12 months have followed their ex's Facebook activity, while another study from Brunel University found that surveilling an ex on social media slows down the recovery process. If love has an effect on the brain similar to that of drugs, then it makes sense that liking every Instagram selfie your ex takes just feeds the endorphin-fueled addiction. "Continued Facebook surveillance may mean that an individual becomes stuck in a rut, unable to let go of that ex-partner," study author Tara Marshall told Mic.

 

You don't need to go cold turkey, but use the reality of your breakup as a digital wake-up call. As online dating expert Laurie Davies tells Refinery29, "Give your timeline a reality check. Following them is fun, but it can hurt your heart ... if they want to get in touch, they will."

 

 

6. The time it will take you to get over your relationship is equal to half of the time you spent together.

 

Known as "the breakup golden rule," this formula is dangerously misleading. Pop culture loves perpetuating this rule of thumb on shows like How I Met Your Mother and Sex and the City, but there's one key problem: Emotions can't be timed.

 

A 2009 study suggests it can take up to 18 months to get over a serious relationship, and that's just a survey average. But many factors contribute to how long someone takes to heal after a breakup, such as the length of the relationship, terms of the breakup, amount of communication and future romantic opportunities.

 

When the question was posed to the men of Reddit last year, responses ranged from 18 hours to 10 months to going on 11 years. The golden rule must be thrown out the window.

 

 

7. If you were supposed to break up, it won't be tough to get over.

 

No matter who initiates a breakup, both parties will likely experience a strong emotional reaction. Those who did the dumping know that initiating the breakup doesn't necessarily mean it will be easier to get over.

 

As Jennifer Kromberg notes in Psychology Today, "The part of our brain that governs emotional reactions doesn't care whether or not the breakup was for the best. It just knows there's been a loss. As shaped by your previous experiences of loss, the emotional center of your brain may still react negatively even when the logical part of you knows it's positive." As much as we want our reaction to breakups to be logical, we're still dealing with the messy knot that is love and loss.

 

 

8. Breakups are caused by the change of seasons.

 

"Breakup seasons" are not real, as heartbreak happens at all times of the year. The major reasons people break up aren't because "it got hot" or "it got cold." A Cosmopolitan survey of 1,400 women found that the most commonly cited reasons for a breakup were falling out of love, infidelity, lying and incessant fighting.

 

But still the the popular myths remain — people believe others are more apt to break up as the months warm up, when more people go out or are open to summer flings, some say. Facebook data shows the opposite is true: Breakups start rising in mid-November and peak two weeks before Christmas. They also tend to peak around Valentine's Day and spring break. These trends have less to do with the seasons themselves and are more likely in correlation with the heavy questions big holidays tend to stir up: "Am I with the right person?" "Do I want to introduce them to my family?"

 

So, don't write off a breakup to just the beginning of tourist season or the onset of Thanksgiving. It's more likely indicative of an issue that was present long before the change in season. Or, maybe, it's just a Monday.

 

 

9. Men do most of the cheating.

 

Stop blaming men, and look towards your genes. A new study from the University of Oxford in England explains there are many factors that contribute to someone cheating, and that hormonally, some of us are more likely to be promiscuous than others. The study shows that there are two different "mating" strategies — people who stray and people who stay. Factors like a long ring finger (compared to the index) may suggest someone is more likely to stray. But it's good to note that daters destined for either long term or short term partners come in all shapes, sizes and, importantly, genders.

 

 

10. All breakups are explicit.

 

Have you ever heard of something called "ghosting?" It's a term that describes when a person just fades away without any formal breakup. The increasingly virtual nature of our dating lives has made it easy for many of us to us that sense of anonymity to avoid awkward moments like breakup talks.

 

Surveys like the one reported in Elle show that up to 27% of women and 14% of men have been ghosted. And just because we have been ghosted doesn't mean we don't ghost people ourselves. So, no, signs of a breakup are not explicit to everyone — especially when we haven't been given a proper goodbye talk (or even a text.) In today's dating landscape, many of us might not know we've been dumped until our partner has given us a few weeks of radio silence.

 

 

11. With every breakup, you're just collecting baggage.

 

Past relationships can help inform our future ones, and are crucial for our personal and romantic development. Singles now make up the majority of the adult population in the United States. While that may mean that more potential romantic partners than ever are previously dumped or historical dumpers, it doesn't mean we have to worry about what our baggage means.

 

Western Illinois University professor Christopher Carpenter found in a 2013 study that the more previous relationship statuses a person has on Facebook, the more "likes" and interests they display on their profile. The study indicated that the more unique interests we adopt from a partner, the more attractive or interesting we will look to future dates. So that David Bowie obsession you adopted from your college boyfriend back in 2006, the one that inadvertently attracted someone on OkCupid? Thank your ex. You couldn't have gotten here without a breakup.

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Well, I already knew all those, except the last one. I disagree with the last one. I'm pretty sure breakups add to emotional baggage, independent of others being more attracted to you.

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Frank2thepoint
2. Men initiate breakups most often.

 

Wrong. It turns out that women are much more effective at initiating breakups than men.

 

A survey Cosmopolitan reported last year found that, on average, women take about six days to decide to break up with a partner, while men agonize over the decision for about 10. That's because, according to the study, 88% percent of men are working carefully to frame a polite "exit strategy." While there aren't a lot of stats about who dumps who in premarital breakups, past research indicates that women initiate about 66% of divorces.

 

I'm going to play devil's advocate on this one. If women are doing majority of breakups, then how is this supposed to be encouraging to men? I would think this would put men on the fence about pursuing a relationship, if they felt like their efforts are worthless. Of course you breakup with someone because of infidelity, lying, or constant bickering, but what about over fickle reasons? Breakups do occur over the most inconsequential reasons as well. And since women are doing more breakups, which includes fickle reasons for breaking up, then why get into a relationship in the first place?

 

 

3. Rebound relationships and sex don't work.

4. Men cope with breakups better than women do.

 

The answers for 3 and 4 are repeated. I call this a crock report.

 

When the question was posed to the men of Reddit last year, responses ranged from 18 hours to 10 months to going on 11 years. The golden rule must be thrown out the window.

 

Research was conducted on Reddit? A public social media site where trolls can easily skew data? Definitely a crock report.

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The key points seem valid to me.

 

Women initiate most of the breakups.

 

Women are more quick to decide to breakup than men are.

 

Women cope better after a breakup regardless if they were the dumper or dumpee.

 

Both genders cheat equally.

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The key points seem valid to me.

 

Women initiate most of the breakups.

 

Women are more quick to decide to breakup than men are.

 

Women cope better after a breakup regardless if they were the dumper or dumpee.

 

Both genders cheat equally.

 

Today for sure. Women have caught up with men in the cheating departnent. It used to be seen as men were majority of the time were the cheaters, now it's pretty equal. I've heard some severe horror cheating stories of what some people do these days. And once a woman emotionally checks out of a relationship than there's nothing you can do to fix it since she's already moved on in her mind until she breaks it off.

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I would think this would put men on the fence about pursuing a relationship, if they felt like their efforts are worthless. Of course you breakup with someone because of infidelity, lying, or constant bickering, but what about over fickle reasons? Breakups do occur over the most inconsequential reasons as well. And since women are doing more breakups, which includes fickle reasons for breaking up, then why get into a relationship in the first place?

 

This is actually happening in western culture. The availability of hookups, contraception, and "empowered" slut walking women who have no problem having sex on the first date - coupled with the horror stories that we have all heard about divorces over nothing and the kangaroo family courts. Toss in a healthy dose of "women need men like a fish need a bicycle" and it makes relationships look not too appealing.

 

But we're men, and we're prone to keep trying to accomplish our objectives like oxes. Eventually, we've been smoked and blindsided enough times and if we havent found our sweetie who treats us well we realize there's no real point to trying anymore.

 

Look up the MGTOW movement.

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I'm going to play devil's advocate on this one. If women are doing majority of breakups, then how is this supposed to be encouraging to men? I would think this would put men on the fence about pursuing a relationship, if they felt like their efforts are worthless. Of course you breakup with someone because of infidelity, lying, or constant bickering, but what about over fickle reasons? Breakups do occur over the most inconsequential reasons as well. And since women are doing more breakups, which includes fickle reasons for breaking up, then why get into a relationship in the first place?

 

 

 

 

 

The answers for 3 and 4 are repeated. I call this a crock report.

 

 

 

Research was conducted on Reddit? A public social media site where trolls can easily skew data? Definitely a crock report.

 

Um, you quoted me and I never said any of that.

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Frank2thepoint
"women need men like a fish need a bicycle"

 

I've read this quote before on here. I think a few women have said something along these lines. I ignored it before, but after my question in my first post in the thread, I'm starting to wonder how much is the game rigged for a man.

 

 

Look up the MGTOW movement.

 

I looked it up, went to the official website. Looks like a bit antagonistic, and too extreme in nature. The About page has this in the first sentence: "where the modern man preserves and protects his own sovereignty above all else." I don't think this is the proper way to address the issue. They even have the definition of "sovereignty" at the bottom of the page, in case the reader visiting the site doesn't know the meaning. I think the site would be better served in teaching men self-respect, nurturing self-worth, and helping them deal with emotional difficulties.

 

 

Um, you quoted me and I never said any of that.

 

I quoted your post which references the article you linked to. I know you didn't say any of that.

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I think as it is a Cosmo study its going to be younger women who are "playing the field".

 

As for rebound relationships - what about the poor sods who are the rebound girl/ guy? Do they really deserve that?

 

Women do still need men - we are just not entirely sure what for. Now womens lib has made us more independent, capable and assertive we are a bit stuck between wanting a "provider and protector" and wanting to "provide and protect" ourselves... Bloomin' confusing being a woman these days I can tell you.

 

I think the seasons, and major holidays within those seasons, make us reflect more hence the seasonal break ups. I can remember thinking that I could never again cope with a Christmas covered in raw human faecal matter, food spoilt with miserable people ever again... Long story that only ends in tears and a few baths... It was like the last straw.

 

I do think that men have a tougher time in many respects than women. I don't think women give men credit for the depths of emotion that they are capable of feeling sometimes. Women are better able to deal with emotions as they tend to understand them better. Chaps could use some help here.

 

I may be right with some of my thoughts, I may be wrong. You can never tell as each individual is different anyway...

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toolforgrowth
Women do still need men - we are just not entirely sure what for.

 

I think we're beginning to see the opposite happen as well. Women initiate 66% of all divorces. This means that 66% of all divorced men have to learn how to function independently of women.

 

When I was married, I depended on my xWW to do most of the tasks revolving the children and deep cleaning. I worked the most, so I relied on her for those things. Once I became single, that was no longer an option. I was forced to learn how to take care of my daughter in any capacity without her.

 

This cultivated a very strong sense of independence, one that I am not prepared to ever give up. I don't need a woman to help me care for my daughter, cook my meals, tend my home, or provide companionship.

 

There is literally only one thing that only women can offer me that I want that I can't do myself. We all know what that is. Lol

 

But that doesn't imply I even want a relationship with said woman. I have a GF now and she is wonderful, but I set the expectation early on that I value my space and alone time. It's critical to me now.

 

The point is that men are starting to feel the same way. What do I need a woman for? Really, in the grand scheme of things, what value do I get from them?

 

My GF has shown me that value, but it took dating a LOT of women to find one that could do that.

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I think we're beginning to see the opposite happen as well. Women initiate 66% of all divorces. This means that 66% of all divorced men have to learn how to function independently of women.

 

When I was married, I depended on my xWW to do most of the tasks revolving the children and deep cleaning. I worked the most, so I relied on her for those things. Once I became single, that was no longer an option. I was forced to learn how to take care of my daughter in any capacity without her.

 

This cultivated a very strong sense of independence, one that I am not prepared to ever give up. I don't need a woman to help me care for my daughter, cook my meals, tend my home, or provide companionship.

 

There is literally only one thing that only women can offer me that I want that I can't do myself. We all know what that is. Lol

 

But that doesn't imply I even want a relationship with said woman. I have a GF now and she is wonderful, but I set the expectation early on that I value my space and alone time. It's critical to me now.

 

The point is that men are starting to feel the same way. What do I need a woman for? Really, in the grand scheme of things, what value do I get from them?

 

My GF has shown me that value, but it took dating a LOT of women to find one that could do that.

 

I agree. When I got divorced, my poor EX had never run washing machine and flooded the apartment the first night. I'd never taken care of a car and nearly cried in terror going through a car wash. Sad. Though my kids found it all hilarious.

 

One of the positives of divorce is gaining that independence if you didn't have it before. And I think my kids know their dad more and better than they would have if we'd continued as we were. silver linings.

 

I actually love taking the perspective, "what value do I get from my BF?" Because it is very high value in so many ways, and maybe I appreciate it more.

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toolforgrowth
I actually love taking the perspective, "what value do I get from my BF?" Because it is very high value in so many ways, and maybe I appreciate it more.

 

Me too! Not because we have one foot out the door, or because I'm misogynistic or your misandric, but because we don't want to waste our valuable time. Once the value diminishes or stops, it's time to re-evaluate.

 

I've learned to never depend on another person's income or presence to pay my bills and tend my home life.

 

Marriage just isn't for me!

 

EDIT: With all that being said, I love my GF to pieces. She's so amazing and I'm very lucky.

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I think we're beginning to see the opposite happen as well. Women initiate 66% of all divorces. This means that 66% of all divorced men have to learn how to function independently of women.

 

When I was married, I depended on my xWW to do most of the tasks revolving the children and deep cleaning. I worked the most, so I relied on her for those things. Once I became single, that was no longer an option. I was forced to learn how to take care of my daughter in any capacity without her.

 

This cultivated a very strong sense of independence, one that I am not prepared to ever give up. I don't need a woman to help me care for my daughter, cook my meals, tend my home, or provide companionship.

 

There is literally only one thing that only women can offer me that I want that I can't do myself. We all know what that is. Lol

 

But that doesn't imply I even want a relationship with said woman. I have a GF now and she is wonderful, but I set the expectation early on that I value my space and alone time. It's critical to me now.

 

The point is that men are starting to feel the same way. What do I need a woman for? Really, in the grand scheme of things, what value do I get from them?

 

My GF has shown me that value, but it took dating a LOT of women to find one that could do that.

 

You are absolutely right! And for me I have exactly the same in reverse! :)

 

I can mend my own taps, I can catch my own spiders, pay my bills and live happily on my own.

 

I sometimes worry that I am becoming "too independent" in that I really do not know what role a man would take in my life - apart from the stated obvious! As long as the local shop has ample supply of AA batteries I am good to go! Its still fake though.

 

What I want (note word want rather than need) is someone to wake up next to in the mornings, someone to ask how their day went and what their thoughts are about issues in the news or at work/ home, someone to enjoy a cup of tea with, walk the dogs with.

 

After years of damaging my health both mental and physical, by trying to "make up" for the differences in relationships and trying to be perfect I am worn out from it all. To put it bluntly I just can't be arsed. I am a very physical person. I love sex, I miss sex, but its not the be all and end all. I just can't be bothered to put all that effort in when quite frankly I am going to end up being treated as a lesser mortal than dog poo on someones shoe. I am too old for all that now. But I do miss someone to hold my hand...

 

Past experience has taught me that I am not going to get that support anyway, so try as I do to fight those feelings and remain optimistic I guess I am just waiting for it again... and again... and again... I would rather "waste" my love care and affection on people who appreciate it. Sadly I can't have sex with any of those!!! :o

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