So many different directions, I'm getting sooo tired ...(long)

[harryshurt]

a little background:

we've been married 19 years, not all great but have gotten thru tough times together

I look at her, and I melt...I want her world to always be great and for her to never frown

We have a 19 yr old son and he and his g/f just moved out(they have a 9 mth old son)

We have a 16 yr old daughter....who is leaving with them

they are leaving because my wife is a compulsive liar, and steals from them

she says they steal from her

I don't know who steals, lies , or what when i'm not here - all I know is this place has been a zoo for years

 

 

She was a stay at home mom when they were little - I'm self-employed and worked a lot of long hard hours so she could do that (her choice)

 

When they were about 10ish, she had an affair while I worked and even took them along

I blamed myself for spending too much time away, freaked out , calmed down - we (I think) talked it out and I forgave her and we moved on

 

Four years ago she went back to work - good I thought, " she'll stay busy, earn her own money and go back to enjoy being an independent, happily married woman"

 

Well, when she was going to the bars after work with her girlfriends, I thought "cool, she has close buddies to interact with"

 

Then she got a job at a bigger factory

The "guys" would stop after work at the pub for some stress relief - fine

 

Then the mail started to disappear

Nobody seems to know who got it

"just junk mail"

No bills?

Ok ! I say in a trusting nature

 

Then she gets halled away by the sherriff, for bad checks

I ask nicely if she needs help with her bills, I'd be glad to help (we're not poor)

She replies that she just screwed up her checking accout, all a big misunderstanding

I believe

Then we run out of heating oil ( our deal was the only bill she had to pay was that)

Then we can't get any heating oil

We seem to owe them all money

 

So, I haul kerosene for a couple days, work my butt off, pay everybody off and we can get fuel delivered again

 

Again "she just screwed up her checking accout, all a big misunderstanding"

 

I give her a little lecture about how important it is to keep the heating guys happy, tell her again - if she gets in trouble financially, just let me know

 

For some reason she gets a cell phone - she says it's too expensive to use the pay phone to call me if she needs to

A couple months go by, she's got a different one....she says the kids broke the first

 

phone calls when she's not there....she owes money (a lot) to the first

phone calls, when she's not there,....she owes money for this, for that (a lot)

phone calls at work, she owes money

 

Ok, she has a problem with that

 

My trust is being tried

 

I find out(2 days ago) she'd been giving a ride back and forth to work- For a while,to a couple different men

 

The one I know of is 22 (she's 38)...if it matters

 

I stop in her bar one day when I leave work early, and some guy is looking kinda fishy like over his shoulder in our direction ( I'm a rather large kinda guy, but sweet as a teddybear)

I ignore it as a goofball

 

I ask her to meet me at a different bar to have a couple drinks before I have to go back to work 3 days ago

I show up a half hour early

She's sitting with 22 yr old guy

She came in with him

I give her a kiss, order us some drinks and sit down to see how her day went

She gives me a quick kiss, a couple words and goes back to talking to him

He at least acts decent enough to offer me a few minutes of conversation

I get another drink, look around for something to do, something to say to join in their conversation

I feel ignored and a bit hurt, so I tell her I'm going back to work (unfortuneately I also said "don't bring any diseases home" , before I left

 

A year ago she "went out with her buddies" and didn't come home that night

 

She was supposed to come to work and keep me company while I did some mindless jobs, didnt show - wasn't home

 

We got ANOTHER bill from the oil company, she said she paid it

she didn't

I 'm holding a $250 check from her, I tell her pay them and I'll burn it

She says she paid it

she didn't - i do

 

My patience is wearing thin

 

I check her cell phone, she's deleted all records on it....maybe not so strange

I look at our home phone bill (I always do), there's long distance bills to not far from here( unlisted) noone seems to know to who

 

She sees nothing wrong with her hanging at bars with guys

She sees nothing wrong with flirting (and almost seems proud of it)

She says she's just making up for the time she spent at home with the kids

She says they're just friends

She says she doesn't know who those numbers belong to

She say comes home and does housework

She says the dogs and kids mess it up as soon as she's done

She has a bookmark to a dating site on her computer now

She says she loves me and never wants to lose me

 

She says "maybe you should just give up on me and leave"

I'm staying here

 

anybody wanna throw something my way

.....there's a lot more .....8-(

2 say

[westernxer]

Why do you put up with this? (And don't say it's because you love her... that isn't acceptable.)

[harryshurt]

I think she's ill ( she is on meds for depression)

I think she needs someone to help her to learn to survive (with or without me)

....and I do love her, it seems like a pretty different kind of love lately

and I would die for her to actually get what it is that she needs (whatever that is)

and walking away would be so easy, but it seems like she's been given to me to help

when she's sweet, she's the best (maybe she's playing me, but I doubt it)

we've laughed, we've cried, we've grieved over loved ones passed

maybe we've both wasted all this time together chasing an uncatchable dream

[westernxer]

If this is how you feel, then more power to you. Definitely isn't easy, not as easy as it would be to leave. Just don't let it kill you in the process.

 

Have you tried counseling? Or maybe your wife needs additional treatment, like from a psychiatrist who won't resort to prescribing meds without running a few tests first. Her behavior is extremely erratic, to say the least.

 

Make sure to seek out professional advice if you do plan to stick around. Looks like there's a whole lot going on inside that head of hers.