Daughter in serious relationship before 12???

[boshemia]

Hello,

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here but I have a question. My 11 ½ year old daughter developed a crush on a boy a year ago, and it has progressed to the point where they now say “I love you” I realize that a year long relationship at this age is not normal, both of their teachers agree, and share my concern… We live in a small town and have many people keeping an eye on them and they have not been alone so I don’t think there is a physical relationship.

 

However I am a bit worried that starting a long term relationship this young will open up the door to things they aren‘t ready for way too soon, and I don’t want that for either of them. I am a very blunt person and have talked to both of them about respect, but I’m not stupid, I know they wont hear a word I say until they are grown.

 

They started holding hands shortly after my husband and I separated, it is my second marriage, and we are still dating, just not currently living together. Just a side note… (blaming myself I guess)

 

Another concern I should mention is that the boy in question is getting some strange messages from home. His mother actually called my daughter “Her future daughter in law” today and told me she truly believes they will grow up, get married, and have babies… She even told me that she tells him how lucky he is to have such a pretty girlfriend since he is the fat kid. Ouch!!! My daughter is currently grounded because of her grades, and his Dad actually stopped by today (a week after the grounding) and asked when she would be ungrounded because his son is miserable. I am really trying to keep these kids at an appropriate age level, but it seems like his parents are feeding him some unhealthy messages.

 

Should I talk to his parents or is his home life none of my business?

 

Should I be concerned about this??? Is this way too young to be serious?

 

Any advice on what I should be saying or doing to help these kids keep from growing up too fast?

 

Next year they will be going to different schools, he will move on to middle school, and she will still be at the grade school, so I am hoping it will fizzle out soon…

[moimeme]

When I was her age, I was *madly* in love with a boy in my grade. It lasted about four years. Sure, kids can have crushes that last a long time, but the difference was that our parents wouldn't let us play girlfriend and boyfriend at that age.

 

I think you should speak to his parents for sure - not to tell them how to run his life, but to get cooperation in not allowing the two to take this too far. Does that mother realize that kids that age are having sex? I fear she thinks it's 'cute' and that 'kids' are playing at being in love without really understanding how much 'kids' these days know.

 

And I sure hope you have had 'the talk' with your daughter by now - including about birth control. Because kids know so much today, they need to know the realities, like how youthful pregnancy and disease can easily occur and ruin their lives.

[boshemia]

Yes we've had the talks... lots of them, about mechanics and such, she started her period two months ago and I told her that any time she wanted I would take her the doctor and she could discuss anything she didn't feel comfortable with me, and I told her the doctor could talk to her about birth control and they wouldn't tell me if she didn't want them too...

 

I've also been talking to her and her siblings about sex since they were very young, giving them little bits as they asked questions. I've chosen not to focus on abstinence as much as responsibility, and respecting themselves and their bodies. I was molested so this was more of a keeping your body safe from adults comversation...

 

I also have a wonderful way of explaining hormones to my kids as we breed Rotties... if you've ever seen a male react to a female in heat it is a pretty good visual. Our male mopes around the house and cries, he sighs and is totally lovesick for about 10 days. Truly pathetic... I hope she remembers him when some boy is trying so hard to convice her that he loves her and sex is just a part of love...

 

but I still feel like I am not near equipped to deal with the idea that she is growing up, she already has a chest and periods and once someone said the word grandmother to me I've kind of been in a panic ever since!!!

[boshemia]

What do you mean by "play boyfriend and girlfriend"

 

I wasn't aware I had much of a choice in that area... I just stalk them and try to keep them G rated, but I know there have been love letters and such... she shows them all to me. He's a pretty romantic fellow, he also gives her gifts etc.

 

Do you think I should discourage these behaviors? If so can I do this without losing her ability to confide in me???

[moimeme]

I mostly meant what seems to be happening already - not too much time alone together. And do remind your daughter that we all fall madly in love when we're her age. And that, unfortunately, it usually doesn't last.

[Nicholas]

Originally posted by boshemia

Should I talk to his parents or is his home life none of my business?

I think that the parents of the other children are overstepping an important boundary. They should not be interfering with the parenting of your daughter. I think you should politely tell them, next time it occurs, that it would be best if they didn't pressure you to consider their son's feelings in the parental choices you make.

Should I be concerned about this??? Is this way too young to be serious?

I think you should take a step back and realize how incredibly lucky you are.

 

A lot of young people experience extremely intense, if not-so-complex, emotional bonds. I was very lucky to have places like this to come and work things out in my head--but I doubt most kids are afforded the luxury. I was very young, but to me, my relationship with this girl was extremely important to me, but I didn't feel like I had the support structure at home or with most friends to discuss that.

 

The fact that she's comfortable to share these feelings (and I think you may be underestimating it) is a testament to how well you've established bonds of love and trust. I don't think you should take that for granted. I think you're rooting for this to end because it's easier on you to not be pressured with the idea of your daughter dealing with something we all deal with.

Any advice on what I should be saying or doing to help these kids keep from growing up too fast?

To a point, you're powerless.

Next year they will be going to different schools, he will move on to middle school, and she will still be at the grade school, so I am hoping it will fizzle out soon…

It won't.

 

You're twelve--a yearlong relationship is practically marriage. You've never loved before. You completely trust the other person, you're wholly vulnerable. I'm not saying that going to different schools won't be an imposition, I'm just saying that this won't be put down lightly. If it does end, 'fizzle' won't be a good verb to describe the emotional trainwreck that follows.

 

My concern is that, when it does end, you'll be seen as the person who wanted that to happen, and I think that would be an extreme detriment to your relationship with her. You're so unbelievably lucky to be in a supportive position, and you don't seem to be embracing it out of something that's really not as scary as you think, compared to the alternative.

 

Originally posted by boshemia

Do you think I should discourage these behaviors?

And what's the alternative? The convent?

 

Often times people have these kinds of relationships young. Some of them have sex, some of them don't--that's a function of value systems and education. Some people like to think it's a function of circumstance, i.e., if you follow them around all the time they'll have no time to do it. Having been in eigth grade not so long ago, I can tell you that's not the case.

 

People have sex in eighth grade. People have complex relationships in the eighth grade. It's a reality that you're powerless to stop--and trust me, small town living does NOT fortify you from it. I've lived in towns from 200 people to 200,000--and it's all the same stuff. The difference between small towns and big cities is in the varieties of vices, not the quantities.

 

I think you need to be more supportive of her--not that I'm saying you should be buying her condoms and composing love letters with her--but you need to recognize that this is an important (and normal! I wish I would have understood that my feelings were normal) part of her life.

 

She's going to need you as a resource when the **** hits the fan. In my case, I didn't feel comfortable with my parents enough to do that. If she can cry on her mother's shoulder instead of her dealer's, you've done your job.

[Merin]

Damn..

 

::Merin is now thinking back to when she was 12::

 

There was this guy who lived in my hood.. his name was Jason and OMG I was crazy about him! LOL

 

When I think about it.. while it was innocent on some level.. I also recall him pushing for more than I felt ready for.

 

Nothing "serious" happend with it (we never had sex) but yeah.. I do remember other things that were going on and I can say if this was one of my kiddo's I would be crapping my pants as a Mom

 

Keep the lines of communication open with her.. involve yourself in her life.. do speak with his parents because while I see nothing un-normal about a 12 year old having a serious crush, I do see something very wrong with this other kids Mom telling your daughter that she will be her daughter in law and have babies with her son.. now that IMO isn't okay.

[boshemia]

I'm sorry if I've made it sound like I don't support their relationship, because I do. He treats her very well, and he is really a good kid. Yes she does share most of their relationship with me... she has shown me all of the love letters he has written her without me asking and she told me when he held her hand the first time.... and says they haven't kissed yet.

 

I told her what "Hearts in Atlantis" said about your first kiss that it is the kiss that you will judge all others by. I told her about my first kiss (I was 13 or 14)

 

My concern is not ending it... but putting the brakes on it a bit an keeping them from getting in over their heads. But my number one concern is always my relationship with my daughter and maintinaing the trust and openess that we share.

 

I was actually more afraid I was being too lenient with them...

[Tamed Wildflower]

You know you might not have to worry as much as you think you do.

 

I had a relationship that I considered very serious that began when I was 10. It lasted 3 years!! (It was only a summer camp relationship. It didn't occur to us to ask our parents to drive us to each other's towns during the school year. And this was just before the Internet was part of popular life.)

 

For us, no one needed to "put brakes on it". We knew what we were and weren't ready for. As far as feelings, well, damn! He was the boy of my life as far as I was concerned! I would think happily about how we were going to be together forever, someday getting married and having kids. I got butterflies in my tummy when I looked at him, and sometimes I felt like my knees were melting and I couldn't stand up. I would also write his initials and my initials in a heart, and write "Mrs. (my first name) (his last name)" inside a heart. It was really sweet.

 

But physical stuff? Well, that was right around the time when my mother had "the talk" with me about the mechanics of how babies are made, but knowing how it is done and wanting to do it with my little sweetheart were two very different things!! I never even considered doing it!! Sure I wondered what boys bodies might look like, I thought about what sex might be like, but any kind of physical experimentation was beyond my boundaries and his at the time.

 

Why don't you ask your daughter some questions about what she and her boyf talk about and what they do, and about why they like each other so much--is the relationship for fun or does she feel feelings in her heart-- etc. etc. Just listen to what she has to say and I think that will give you a really good idea about the nature of the relationship, where these kids are, and where they want to go or where they think they are heading.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Ah! Sorry I wrote my post before I read your last one!

 

It sounds like your daughter is communicating very well with you about this.

 

And no, I don't think you are being too lenient.

 

It sounds like you are being a wonderful parent, very much there for your daughter and very supportive of her.

[Fuzzy Chickens]

Those kids have a healthier relationship than many adults do. Let it take its course.

[RecordProducer]

She will probably not think about sex at least for one more year. She is only 11.5. Make sure she knows how to protect herself from pregnancy, but don't let her think that discussing protection means you are okay with her having sex (like some mother here did - she told her daughter who wasn't ready for sex to take the pill).