Blu72 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Last time I saw MM was a little over a month ago. Long story short, push/pull pretty much since then. So I decided a week after we saw each other,when he started hot/cold again, that I would not feed into it and go cold/distant myself. Well that lasted a few days. He got really ill so I reached out to see if he was ok. We emailed back and forth during his illness for a few days..just mostly getting updates on his health. He started feeling better, so I again went distant. He has emailed me a few times since then. I would respond with short to the point answers. I hated it, but I feel I need to distance myself. Since then it's becoming easier for me to NOT reach out. Until today. He got in an accident. I know he is ok, but a part of me is dieing inside not reaching out to check up on him and tell him I'm glad he is ok. I hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Last time I saw MM was a little over a month ago. Long story short, push/pull pretty much since then. So I decided a week after we saw each other,when he started hot/cold again, that I would not feed into it and go cold/distant myself. Well that lasted a few days. He got really ill so I reached out to see if he was ok. We emailed back and forth during his illness for a few days..just mostly getting updates on his health. He started feeling better, so I again went distant. He has emailed me a few times since then. I would respond with short to the point answers. I hated it, but I feel I need to distance myself. Since then it's becoming easier for me to NOT reach out. Until today. He got in an accident. I know he is ok, but a part of me is dieing inside not reaching out to check up on him and tell him I'm glad he is ok. I hate this. There will always be a reason to reach out. A snow storm, hurricane, death of pet, loss of life, loss of job, sickness, accidents, the reasons are bountiful and endless. What you are really doing is making excuses to maintain contact and the door open. You know he's safe. That's all you need to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 My first instinct was to email him. I went right to email and started writing something to him but deleted it. Then I came here. I'm trying to fight the urge. Trying anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 My first instinct was to email him. I went right to email and started writing something to him but deleted it. Then I came here. I'm trying to fight the urge. Trying anyway. Keep trying. What good will come from the contact? You'll feel better in the moment only? Or will you feel worse for caving? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Probably both. I'll feel better in the moment for showing I care. But then feel worse because it won't matter and then I'll feel like an ass for caving. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Leave it alone. Write out here what you want to say to him. Is your affair over and this push/pull, cat/mouse game all that has been going on? If so, then just end it and walk away. Having this 'game' continue on is damaging and dramatic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 No it's not over. It's just distant at the moment. But I'm using this time (or attempting to) to distance myself from him. I was starting to feel like I could survive going completely NC with him after 4 years of this, but it's these little setbacks that set me spiraling into self doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 No it's not over. It's just distant at the moment. But I'm using this time (or attempting to) to distance myself from him. I was starting to feel like I could survive going completely NC with him after 4 years of this, but it's these little setbacks that set me spiraling into self doubt. Then just stop contacting him. You are prolonging your grieving and letting go stage. FOUR years is enough! If you want the suffering to stop, you have to block him. Tell him that you don't want this anymore, say goodbye, wish him well and block him so he can't contact you anymore. The A is over, he isn't leaving his wife to be with you. To continue on with him is pointless and damaging. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Yes, agreed. It's just hard getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mindfulmoomin Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Awww poor you. No contact and take each second, minute, hour, day, week as it comes...Stay in the now..Lots of distraction too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 No it's not over. It's just distant at the moment. But I'm using this time (or attempting to) to distance myself from him. I was starting to feel like I could survive going completely NC with him after 4 years of this, but it's these little setbacks that set me spiraling into self doubt. Why are you distancing yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Because it needs to be over and I guess I'm trying to brace myself for the NC. It's just hard because I've known him for 15 years now. Friends for many years before any of this started up. And he isn't a bad person, we just made a HUGE mistake that has lasted way too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Because it needs to be over and I guess I'm trying to brace myself for the NC. It's just hard because I've known him for 15 years now. Friends for many years before any of this started up. And he isn't a bad person, we just made a HUGE mistake that has lasted way too long. Keep telling yourself why. I asked you to remind yourself of the reasons. Often, when we are NC, all we do is focus on the good things about the AP - not the bad aspects they bring into our lives. Make your words your daily Mantra...Because it needs to be over...we made a HUGE mistake that has lasted way too long! I'm sure there are a ton other reasons for it to be over. Stay NC. Detox yourself from it. You can do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 As stated above there's always a reason to contact. Just remember the feeling of victory every day you don't contact him. Other than wondering what he is doing, doesn't it feel great when you haven't contacted him, looked him up on line? Keep doing it. After about 10 days you feel emancipated. 4 years is enough. You need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Once you get to that point, don't look back. You deserve better 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It appears like you're weaning yourself from him. Like you would to a drug that you're addicted to. If it works, more power to you. He got in an accident and I'm glad he's okay but if he wanted to reach you and put you in the loop he would of contacted you by now. Stop finding excuses to have contact with him. I know its difficult but by keeping in touch it will only prolong the process of you letting go and moving on. Take it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Well I'm an idiot. I caved and emailed him. I'm such a complete failure at this. I'm a mess and don't know how I'm ever gonna get 'there'. I hate me right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 You're human and I know where you're coming from. I have struggles too. You still care, it can't be shut off, it takes time and it takes a breaking point that you haven't reach yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Well I'm an idiot. I caved and emailed him. I'm such a complete failure at this. I'm a mess and don't know how I'm ever gonna get 'there'. I hate me right now. Don't beat yourself up. That is a lot of years to be involved with someone. Trust me, I know how hard it is. Just keep on keeping on. For what it's worth, I tried low contact/distancing myself at some point, and it just didn't work for me. It ended up feeling like more of a game (the less I contacted him, the more he would reach out, then I would cave and reply... wash, rinse, repeat). The only thing that really worked for me was to cut it off. Absolute hell for a long time, but looking back, it was worth it. I wish you peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 For what it's worth, I find that doing it in steps helps. I changed a 'habit' every few days. First, I started taking another door to avoid him. A few days later, I started parking in another parking lot to avoid him (we have several). You get the point. The push/pull behavior between us was unbelievable, and it was on both of our parts. He is at the pull right now and trying to distance himself from me, so I smarted up and am realizing I need to do the same. It worked for me for months before. I can do it again, and so can you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Well for the most part he has always been the one who initiates contact. So although I agonize during the hot/cold phases wondering when I will hear from him next, I can usually keep my distance and not reach out. It's during the times like today when things happen ie: illness, accident, bdays, etc that I struggle with. By nature I reach out to the people I care about when in need..he is no exception unfortunately. I wish I had a different heart right now. One that has no bonds with him. One that doesn't feel broken. But it's my fault, my cross to bear. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Well for the most part he has always been the one who initiates contact. So although I agonize during the hot/cold phases wondering when I will hear from him next, I can usually keep my distance and not reach out. It's during the times like today when things happen ie: illness, accident, bdays, etc that I struggle with. By nature I reach out to the people I care about when in need..he is no exception unfortunately. I wish I had a different heart right now. One that has no bonds with him. One that doesn't feel broken. But it's my fault, my cross to bear. I suggest you start leaning heavily on friends. I chose a few friends whom I trusted *explicitly* with this situation and disclosed it to them. I have known them for a while and knew I could trust them. They have been a huge source of comfort and advice. They are also people I can lean on when other things happen that are stressful in my life; illness, work related incidents, etc. PM me further if you want to talk. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate them. I do have a friend who I confided in when it had reached the year mark. We all were at a work function (him and I no longer work together thank god) and she could tell I was upset. I came clean with her about everything. She had already suspected. She had gone thru an affair as well so she understood. In the beginning she was there for me. When he left the company, she figured it was over and I let her assume that. That was 3 years ago - still going on. I don't feel comfortable discussing it with her now because she has her own issues. I really need to get into therapy or something. I need to work this out in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Blu72, don't beat yourself up. But the chain of reactions caused by this could potentially set you back. You are trying limited contact, you sent an email and now, If you haven't received it, are checking to see if he replies. If you have, you are debating how you're going to reply or if you are. So now it's completely occupying your mind on what to do. You have to draw a line in the sand, (tired cliche) and figure out if you're ready to free yourself or continue this charade. If you were watching yourself in a film and somebody was beating you up the way you are beating yourself up, would you want to stop it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 All great points, thank you for responding :-). He did respond 10 min after I emailed. In his email he gave me the story of what happened and that he hoped I was somewhere safe and warm and out of the bad weather, I replied saying again how glad I was that it hadn't been worse. I justified it in my head that I was just gonna show that I cared and not get into a long email exchange with him, but then when he never replied back the 2nd time I felt the familiar hurt in my heart all over again. So I beat myself up for letting this all get to me in the first place. But I think I'm moving toward an angry stage one that I haven't felt as much before so maybe that's a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Well now, you have your opening. He didn't reply. You're not a priority. Use that and let it snowball. The ball is in your court. You don't have to reach out to him. Let him come to you. When he doesn't, you're getting better every day by not contacting him. When he does, you can blow him off and have the last laugh. You don't even need to tell him why you won't be contacting him. He doesn't deserve a reason. Yes it can sound childish and ego-centric, but think about it. What is better for you? Him thinking you're a good person? Or you having a healthy well-being? Use your ego to your advantage here. Who is he to blow me off and now answer my emails? Go out on top. Link to post Share on other sites
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