My ex wife is getting married, but i am still in love with her. how to win her back?

[Bheemesh]

Hi,

 

Need help, please give me suggestions to win her back. i have been crying for last 1 1/2 months, and she has been maintaining no contact.

 

I met my ex-wife 5 years back (i was 26 and my wife was 23). After 7 months of long distance relationship because of families force we got married before we were ready (we wanted to marry later). i got some second thoughts as i was having some job problems, problems with long distance relationship, my wife was giving some problems before marriage etc.. initially i thought of annulling the marriage as i thought she wanted the same (and i was not in right frame of mind - kind of depressed with change because of marriage, new job, being forced to marry before i was ready etc.). but she really wants marriage to work, so were the families. so, reluctantly started working the marriage as i was worried what happens to marriage without love.

 

She was really nice to me for the first 4 months after marriage, but i was mean to her. then she changed too rightly so as i was not reciprocating her love. Gradually things changed as we got used to each other - we have been very good friends and partners (occasionally still fighting now and then). After 2 years of being together she got a very good offer, so she moved to different state to work. we maintained long distance relationship for over a year, but for some silly argument we decided to get divorce as we thought we are struggling as we don't have love in our marriage (immaturity)

 

She sent email to lawyers (and the stupid process - don't even involve going to court or anything. everything happened over emails) for divorce. i did not want divorce so i didn't sign for 8 months. after she and lawyers kept asking me of for signatures, i have signed one day. the moment i signed the docs i knew i wanted to cancel it. but, they advised only to reconcile and remarry as they can't cancel divorce. throughout this time, we maintained good and friendly relationship.

 

Now i realized how strong my affections were towards her, and i really love her. life without her feels like has no meaning. so, convinced her to meet me and conveyed my intentions. So, we texted each other, talked, and i have met her 3months back. we had great sex, and i kind of asked indirectly is there anyone she is seeing. she told me there is no one else.

 

And she told me in order to remarry i really have to impress her, and give her answers why the remarriage will work. While i was texting, and finding concrete answers for her (ignored impression portion as i thought she's still my girl as there is no one i need to worry), she suddenly texted me she is seeing someone else and he really impressed her.

 

i tried everything i can to reach her. but no avail as she is maintaining no contact after the message. And after m begging and desperate attempts to reach her, she told me she is getting married this April with that guy.

 

i am really devastated. i feel like all my dreams are crashed and there is no purpose to my life. i badly want to get her back. i still don't know when she met this guy, she she talked with me for remarrying, and suddenly dumped me unceremoniously for this guy

 

Please help, how to win her back? i tried to reach her families - they are not giving me info and asking me to move on with my life. i tried to reach common friend she doesn't know anything.

 

I don't even know where she is to go and meet her(according to her friend she is at her bro's place). she is not meeting me when i went to her place. i went to her place, and just roamed around roads for 5 days like a crazy guy . i am just teeing and calling but she is not answering. i would have given her time, if not for this marriage thing. what to do? i couldn't handle so i came back to India from US to be with my brothers and parents as i couldn't cope up. now i want to go back and do everything in next couple of months to see if i can win her back. so, please help.

 

Regards.

Edited February 24, 2015 by Bheemesh

[regret143]

Its not gonna happen for you. You will need help. Stay with family and seek counseling.

[Farid]

I’m sorry to hear that brother.

 

There is some good news and bad news for you.

 

The bad news is you can’t get her back by negotiating, begging, pleading and stalking. It’ll only make you look bad in her eyes.

Here are some things that you should do:

Don’t contact her. I’m not saying completely go no contact. But let her contact you. If she does contact you, be a man! Don’t beg, don’t plead. Just be honest and with an authoritative and clear voice express your feelings and wishes. Keep it short. Don’t overdo it. You can say things like “You do know what I want. Do I need to repeat it?”

 

In the mean time, write. Begin to write you feelings, you pain, thoughts, everything.

After couple of months of not contacting her (probably she won’t contact you either, but no problem), then you can decide if you want to share what you’ve written.

It won’t matter if by that time she is married or not. This is about you. Not her.

 

The (ironic) good news is that the worst that could happen, has happened. She’ll probably marry that guy. So know that it can’t get any worse than this for you. From this point on, you can only go up.

 

The other good news is that she didn’t dump you for no reason. There was a reason. You took her for granted, you were mean to her. The same happened to me. My relationship lasted for six and a half years. We broke up around 2 and half month ago and I feel exactly like you do. There is a strange solace in the knowledge that I kinda deserved what happened. You get it? At least I didn’t suffer injustice.

It would suck way more if she was a truly evil person who broke my heart and left me for a taller, handsomer and richer guy.

 

You are from India I gather. I’m from Afghanistan. Let me warn you that we are very romantic people and we idolize love. Once we love, we love to death. It becomes our entire purpose in life. Try this: Your hand is not so big right? But look at it close enough and it’ll be big enough to cover the universe. You are looking at love way too close right now.

 

If you wanna ease your pain, look for the reasons why you were mean to her. I’m not talking about justifications. Maybe there is no justification. Maybe she was really a good person who didn’t deserve to be treated badly.

I’m talking about looking for what went wrong.

Why did you behave like you did?

It’s like investigating a plane crash. The investigator aren’t trying to tell us why the passengers deserved to die. They are trying to figure out what went wrong.

 

In my case, why am I able to forgive myself:

I was depressed. I was really sick and I didn’t know it. I was in denial.

She was young. She didn’t see what’s wrong with me, didn't understand my mental health and fought with me to the bitter end.

 

Here is another good news for you:

You may have been mean to her, but you are not a bad person. Why? Because you have a conscience. If you were really a bad person, your conscience wouldn’t be torturing you the way it is. The real bad people are those who do evil and don’t even realize it. You are human. All too human.

 

And be careful (I did catch myself doing this) Do Not confuse your regret of treating her bad with loving her. Those two emotions can get confused easily. I’m not saying you don’t love her. But do know that the bad feeling that comes with regret can/will make you think that you love and miss her more than you actually do.

 

About her marriage: While I don’t wish her any bad luck, there is 90% chance her marriage is doomed to failure.

What you are going through is making you a better man. The next girl you’ll marry is a lucky girl! Coz you won’t make the mistake you made with this one.

The chances are, the other guy didn’t go through what you are going through. Especially because she is marrying this other guy without getting to know him first, he is going to take her for granted, he is going to be mean to her, and she’ll be miserable. I really don’t wish this to her, but as an Afghan man I know that this comes with marriages like this.

 

And you my friend are being baptized by fire. Unfortunately there is no remedy at this point. The evil man who made those mistakes, the man who hurt an innocent women has to burn. He has to burn away until a cleansed and pure person is left behind. The heartache, the suffering is burning your sins away.

 

If this hadn’t happened to you, no cautionary tale, no amount of book reading, no amount of advice and parental guidance could have taught you this lesson. Becoming a better person is not easy. There are no shortcuts. Apparently it takes something like this for us to learn. And only the good among us learn.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Farid