Attempt to Reconcile or an Exercise in Futility?

[Heckler]

Was dumped recently and I would just like some input if it is even worth trying to reconcile or just move on.

 

Background: Dated for four and a half months. We really hit it off early, hot and heavy. Spent a lot of time together, went on multiple trips, talked constantly, I fell quickly.

 

From time to time she could be a little more reserved, I could tell she was holding back, but would never talk about it other than she came out a bad one in the past. We did have a bump or two early on, initially she thought I had a player mentality, because I had some many friends that were women. Far from the case... I am extremely loyal, relationships are kinda far and few in between and I always seem to put 110% into the relationship I am in.

Another time we got into a fight, because I had Snapchat and a random girls name popped up with a picture. It was a group sent pic and had nothing to do with me. She still got very angry about it, so I ended up just deleting the app to prove I was committed. I pushed for exclusivity and was the first to say "I love you", but she always returned in kind and with enthusiasm.

 

Everything seemed to be going well and we were getting much closer over the final few weeks. Then I get an email from her a midnight, stating she was looking at Tinder with one of her friends, recently divorced, and my

profile popped up and it said "active 5 days ago"... The email continued to basically call me a liar and cheater and that she wanted to break up. Obviously she was quite angry.

 

After the dust settled, we spoke on the phone a couple of days later and I explained the situation. I told her yes, I had gone on Tinder, but it was to delete the app and commit to the relationship. Yes, I did swipe through 15-20 girls, but it meant nothing, just entertainment then delete the app! Unfortunately logging out and deleting the app from your phone does not get rid of the account... Thus the reason I popped up. I had dated all my OLD apps that night.

 

She listened to me and we had a pretty good, but emotional talk, unfortunately she had already made up her mind. If I was on at all, she did not want to be with me. Black or white... We ended the call very cordially and agreed to talk again.

 

Three days later, being a complete mess and knowing I would just make it worse, I decided to go full NC. No texts, emails, phone calls. I deactivated my FB and closeted everything that was from her. It has been 5 full weeks of NC now.

I did turn on my FB again and we are still friends on there. She had deleted all photos and posts that related to me, but did not de-friend me.

 

Question: So, I had promised myself I would go 5 weeks NC before I took any actions, either try and reconcile or full block. Logically I know I should go full block and all my friends agree. Everyone I have talked with says "good riddance", that I put in all the effort, she always had a foot out the door and what person breaks up over email with even talking about it?

 

My heart says reach out and make contact. Try and see if I can fix things. We had, at least I thought, gotten so close the final month and I really fell for her. I want her back...

 

Thoughts? Am I crazy to reach out? Or keep trying to stay strong and move on?

[flightplan]

IMHO, she's checked out. Nothing to reconcile... trust is gone. It's only been 4 months, keep your dignity, accept the loss and move on.

[erklat]

I can feel the anxiety of the situation as I lived through it, albeit slightly different but she was

similarly insecure.

 

Your friends are right, I wish I could reverse the time and just silently turn and walk away instead

of groveling I did.

 

You already asked if you can work it through, she said no by deleting everything.

 

Just walk away.

 

I know how much hurts the pain of unrealized potential of STR, but be strong and

eventually you will heal.

[quattrob]

Seems like this girl is the one with the issues, she is insecure and never put enough trust in you to begin with. Girls like these are a headache and will only cause herself and her significant other suffering.

 

 

You'll find someone that will treat you right and give you the faith and trust you deserve.

[flightplan]

Seems like this girl is the one with the issues, she is insecure and never put enough trust in you to begin with. Girls like these are a headache and will only cause herself and her significant other suffering.

 

 

You'll find someone that will treat you right and give you the faith and trust you deserve.

 

I don't know, you may have a point, but put the shoe on the other foot. Your dating someone for 4 months, you find out they're on a dating site looking through profiles..regardless of the reason, I'd be a bit cautious from that point on. I wouldn't invest emotionally anymore, if at all, unless I thought it might be worth exploring. The first few months of dating, you're suppose to be feeling that other person out, get a sense of who they are. You do something like this that challenges their trust, then don't be surprised if you run into issues. Sounds like she decided to shut it down before she invested anymore emotion. Not exactly unreasonable.

[quattrob]

I don't know, you may have a point, but put the shoe on the other foot. Your dating someone for 4 months, you find out they're on a dating site looking through profiles..regardless of the reason, I'd be a bit cautious from that point on. I wouldn't invest emotionally anymore, if at all, unless I thought it might be worth exploring. The first few months of dating, you're suppose to be feeling that other person out, get a sense of who they are. You do something like this that challenges their trust, then don't be surprised if you run into issues. Sounds like she decided to shut it down before she invested anymore emotion. Not exactly unreasonable.

 

My point is, TC spoke the truth to her on why he was on there, in his case he just deleted the app on his phone and also the snapchat thing wasn't his fault as he mentioned. In both cases TC was honest and he deleted snapchat just for her. Like seriously, there was never enough trust given by her to begin with. So yes to me she was insecure and the one with trust issues. If you can't trust someone even when they go as far as deleting the problem (in this case both apps). Then yes she is the problem not him. And not to mention she was the one who put judgement on TC for being a player, just because he had a lot of female friends? Insecure much?

 

 

Also if you read TC's first post, she was never opened, she was closed off and was kind of distant to begin with. She didn't mention anything except she had a bad past. There was never enough trust from her to begin with. I don't care what kind of bad past or hardships she's been through but when it comes to relationships, you need to be able to talk about it with your significant other for there to be enough understanding and trust.

 

He compromised for her to prove his loyalty and yet she just kept questioning, became even more suspicious/insecure. SHE was the one who kept challenging TC's loyalty. TC was the one on the defence trying to prove it all. I don't know what else you can ask from TC, he even went as far as asked to be exclusive and said I love yous first. And giving up anything that would make this girl challenge his loyalty. He deserves better than that. In the end this girl wasn't right for TC so that's the ultimate conclusion.

Edited February 24, 2015 by quattrob

[erklat]

Yes, she is the problem as I stated in the previous post.

 

I was insecure before. I tried to prevent my ex from hanging

out with lowlifes, I spent my energy on that so much back

then.

Now... With my current so.. She's encouraged to communicate

with other men who consider her attractive. And it's not now

because she's pregnant, but before even because I was built

firmly on my newfound personality.

 

Don't use your energy on things that are not yours to change.

[flightplan]

Sorry, just don't agree. I see it as a woman who has boundaries and won't accept that kind of behavior. 4 months is not nearly enough time to get to know someone... trust is earned, not granted and 4 months is just not enough time to put your complete trust in someone over something like this and trust he's telling her the truth. I can only guess from her perspective, she's not willing to wait around to find out. Some women are like that but it doesn't mean they have a problem. If this was my daughter, I'd tell her to weigh her options, determine if it's enough to risk more time and emotion over this, or cut bait and move on. I don't know enough about either one of them, they both have their points, but if a woman has been through this before, it's a safe bet she's not willing to go through it again. If I was dating someone and they did this to me, it would be just enough to plant a seed of doubt and I'm not so sure I'd be willing to invest anymore time. I don't completely trust anyone if I've only known them for 4 months.

[quattrob]

Sorry, just don't agree. I see it as a woman who has boundaries and won't accept that kind of behavior. 4 months is not nearly enough time to get to know someone... trust is earned, not granted and 4 months is just not enough time to put your complete trust in someone over something like this and trust he's telling her the truth. I can only guess from her perspective, she's not willing to wait around to find out. Some women are like that but it doesn't mean they have a problem. If this was my daughter, I'd tell her to weigh her options, determine if it's enough to risk more time and emotion over this, or cut bait and move on. I don't know enough about either one of them, they both have their points, but if a woman has been through this before, it's a safe bet she's not willing to go through it again. If I was dating someone and they did this to me, it would be just enough to plant a seed of doubt and I'm not so sure I'd be willing to invest anymore time. I don't completely trust anyone if I've only known them for 4 months.

 

 

Don't have to be sorry, we all have our own thoughts and views. And in this case we agree to disagree. Just saying if what TC said is true about him being innocent and he did all his sacrifices (deleting apps and committing and etc) to prove his loyalty, it's too bad and unfortunate that she doesn't trust the truth because of previous circumstances.

 

 

I can understand your point about earning your trust and it's only been 4 months however when TC has done nothing wrong and all he did was try to prove about what he said was true. It's just unfortunate that she can't believe someone innocent and put judgement based on her position and previous experiences.

 

 

Like I said this relationship was not meant to be for whatever reason, they aren't right for each other unfortunately.