regret143 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I dont wanna go back to it, but my wife ended her affair in october. I decided to forgive, but I cant forget. I feel so small. He was way richer, wich means, nice car always well dressed, taking her to nice restaurants, he has his own business, so he boss people around, while I cant afford good clothes, eat out, I am bossed around at work, average car,etc... I just cant quit thinking about it. All day long, I think of how everything I do, she would be comparing to how it would be with him. The comparison is always bad on my side. I am starting to hate her, even tho she is working hard on making it work. But I always keep thinking she just wants to not fight and have a calm life until she graduates and can aford to live on her own. What should I do? 2
CarrieT Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 You are starting to hate your wife - then it is time to divorce because you will drag it around your neck like a millstone until you CAN get over it... 6
Friskyone4u Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Why did her affair end?? You catch her ? Or did he dump her??? And what is she doing to make it now work??? Whatever she is doing if you are thinking she is just hanging around for some other reason than she wants to be wit you then divorce her. There is nothing that says you have to forgive her or don't have the right to change your mind. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 If you can't get over it, don't. I mean, I couldn't. Don't sacrifice your emotional well-being to try to put lipstick on a pig. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. If it is for you, then end it. 7
BC1980 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I decided to forgive, but I cant forget. You haven't forgiven her if you still feel this way. Forgiveness means getting to a point that you can let it go. Honestly, were it me, I don't think I would even be considering forgiveness at this point. It's not something you can do quickly. It's a process that takes time. 3
DKT3 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Dude, you are no where near forgiveness. It takes time, understanding, empathy, and most importantly effort (hard work) by both partners. Don't try to force it, that will cause you to gloss over the problem. Don't expect it to happen in a day, or a week, it may takes YEARS. If she is trying give her a chance and time to help you heal. 3
Author regret143 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Do you have children? age? 2 kids, 2 and 4
Author regret143 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Why did her affair end?? You catch her ? Or did he dump her??? And what is she doing to make it now work??? Whatever she is doing if you are thinking she is just hanging around for some other reason than she wants to be wit you then divorce her. There is nothing that says you have to forgive her or don't have the right to change your mind. she was ready to move in with him, divorce was filed, she dumped him and asked to stay. she is trying to be sweet and not bitchy how she used to be about house chores, she is doing good. It could be better, but there is effort.
Author regret143 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 If you can't get over it, don't. I mean, I couldn't. Don't sacrifice your emotional well-being to try to put lipstick on a pig. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. If it is for you, then end it. its much harder with kids... 4
No Limit Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 You're feeling down because she's using you as her plan B and you know that. Nobody feels good in a relationship when they know their partner would replace them, even if it's just the waywards' ego (or in this case, greed) that drives them. And on top of that, your wife makes no real effort except rug sweeping and a smiley face mask. Your marriage is over. 6
Simon Phoenix Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 its much harder with kids... You can still be a good father without being married to the mother. You can do more damage to your children by staying in a relationship like that than you can by divorcing. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but my grandmother and grandfather were in a relationship where there was cheating by both sides and it psychologically messed with my mother for years into adulthood. Staying together isn't necessarily the best thing for your children if relationship is strained. 1
CarrieT Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 You're feeling down because she's using you as her plan B and you know that. Nobody feels good in a relationship when they know their partner would replace them, even if it's just the waywards' ego (or in this case, greed) that drives them. And on top of that, your wife makes no real effort except rug sweeping and a smiley face mask. Your marriage is over. Couldn't have said it better. OP, I believe you should listen to your gut; find a woman who will want you as Her #1, not a back-up plan. It isn't about being a good housekeeper, it about being your champion and partner for life - and you, her partner and champion. If you can't elevate and celebrate each other as partners, you shouldn't be together. 3
gettingstronger Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 How is he plan B? She decided to stay- or did I miss something- did the OM dump her? I think you just need time- experts say 3-5 years and at the start of this I would have never believed it but now 2 years in I do- I think the trauma and self doubt lingers for a lot longer than any of us would have imagined or hoped-hang in there- 3
jm2013 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 "she was ready to move in with him, divorce was filed, she dumped him and asked to stay." Did you ever find out why "she" dumped him? The more accurate scenario was he dumped her and she came back to you and made this story up to make herself look better. I believe my wife did the same thing. WS's will try to minimize and do damage control. They know how hurtful it would be to us if they plain out just said that things did not work out with AP so now they want to work on their marriage. It is a bunch of BS in my opinion. It causes a hurt not many can fathom. Good luck to you. 9
Clay Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 If you think she is going to leave when she graduates then why entertain being with her any longer. Why put yourself through the hell all over again. Are you sure she dumped him. I wouldn't be a bit surprised your not being told the truth. I think if you plan on staying with her you need to get as much of the truth as you can out before you can even start to really heal. I am sorry you are going through this and having kids does make it harder. Clay 2
badkarma2013 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) How is he plan B? She decided to stay- or did I miss something- did the OM dump her? I think you just need time- experts say 3-5 years and at the start of this I would have never believed it but now 2 years in I do- I think the trauma and self doubt lingers for a lot longer than any of us would have imagined or hoped-hang in there- ***************************************************************** She was READY to leave and divorce him.....and changed her mind...IMHO the OM dumped her and she fed him a Line...after all she has lied,deceived and betrayed him...Why in Gods name would you believe her NOW... As far as 3-5 years of self doubt,self esteem issues, Endless insecurities and the feeling of being lost ...If that is R then you can bloody well keep it... WE have all seen here ( more Bhs) try to R and they Know when they start they will NEVER get over their WWs Affair.. Fact: Most BHs want to stay with their WWs (65-70%)....after D-DAY but for those BHs who enter into R....70%+- file for Divorce within 3 years...Why? They Knew they could never over the A and would Never let it go..when they started..and I am sorry to admit most do not want to Reconcile but to punish and inflict the soul crushing pain we felt after D-DAY.... The unfortunate thing with this...This (false R) continues for months and years until one of the parties can no longer stand the pain and humiliaition and files for Divorce...Something they should have realized many years before... Badkarma PS If that is Not Plan B ..I do not know what is.. Edited February 25, 2015 by badkarma2013 4
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 You are going to get a lot of people who tell you to divorce. I am not ( yet ) one of them. Need a lot more information first. Divorce was filed? When? Why? By whom? Was this prior to D-Day? After? During? Because of the affair? Unrelated? What contact do you have with OM, and can you verify her story? How is her relationship with the kids? Were they the thing that brought reality back to her? You are in a very tough spot, and I feel for you. Does she work with this guy? Is he much older than you? Need more details to make an informed decision. All I can say now is that I understand how difficult it is to split up your family, so hang in there until you feel settled enough to make some real decisions.
aliveagain Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Some of us never get over infidelity and staying and leaving are both right decisions. It's up to you to decide which of these are best for you. The best way to decide is not by what she tells you but by what she shows you. Much of what comes out of her mouth right now is bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t and is about damage control. Do not let her rug sweep this or you can expect more of the same the next time she thinks she can get away with it. There is a chance that she dumped O/M but there is probably a better chance that when you started divorce procedures against her she and all her baggage became available, she was no longer his free piece on the side, not at all what he was expecting. She must of thought she was more than a piece on the side for him, her new reality didn't leave her too many options. One requirement of reconciliation needs to be counselling for her, she needs to know why she felt so entitled to have an affair. Last thing you need is to have this happen again. Without professional help she's still broken no different than a car that has broken parts, how can you feel safe taking a long trip in a car you have no confidence in? Ask her for a written timeline of all and every event that occurred, how, when, where, how long, who knew about her affair yet didn't tell you or worse encouraged her, these people are not friends of the marriage. There can be no secrets between her and O/M, you need to know everything so you can decide if they are still a team because if he is still on her mind there is very little room for you. She may be legit, after all you did file for divorce and that could be what it took to bring her back to reality. Not talking about it and trying to sweep it under the rug is not remorse. You may be having doubts because her actions are telling you that she is not fully committed or remorseful. Make her do the work and fix herself because you will not go on this long journey with someone who is broken. You deserve 100% from her and not the 50% you have been getting because O/M has no place in your life with her. Accept nothing less. Sometimes you just can't get over the feeling that your sanctuary has been tainted. 3
autumnnight Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 It sounds like you both swept it under the rug in an effort to "get over it." That doesn't work. This kind of pain....it has to really be dealt with. You wife may be nice about chores now, but there are a few things she MUST do in order for you to be able to even begin to think about forgiveness: 1. She has to own her choice 100%. No blameshifting, no "but," no muddying the waters with this or that prior unhappiness 2. She has to have humility. Pride and remorse cannot coexist. She needs to understand exactly what she allowed herself to do and how hurtful it was 3. She has to be completely transparent about everything 4. She has to have no further contact with the OM. Period 5. She has to work to regain your trust every single day If she is not willing to look this in the face and address it, you will not recover. 4
sandylee1 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 she was ready to move in with him, divorce was filed, she dumped him and asked to stay. she is trying to be sweet and not bitchy how she used to be about house chores, she is doing good. It could be better, but there is effort. I'm not believing that she dumped him at all. More like he got cold feet and you're the fallback plan. Was the OM single? Was she going to take the kids with her? Does the OM gave kids of his own? Because somehow I don't reckon the prospect of little kids around the place filled him with glee. 4
Mal78 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 she was ready to move in with him, divorce was filed, she dumped him and asked to stay. she is trying to be sweet and not bitchy how she used to be about house chores, she is doing good. It could be better, but there is effort. Why did she dump him? Do you believe her reason or have you talked to this AP? My guess, he got overwhelmed by the extreme she took it (ready to move in, divorce was filed). He was probably content with fantasy and the "fake-futuring" it with her. She took it to the next stage and he turned into an a $$hole and was out. Was the intentions the kids were to go with her, or stay with you? I think you seriously need to evaluate the scenario. It went far... she was filing for divorce, you were her net because *he* didn't work out. She wasn't prepared to be left with nothing. So, she settled. The fact is, you are settling for her. She might even know this. However I would bet she isn't making the effort a typical WW might as if your gut instincts serve you right, she is just preparing for an escape. Perhaps you should beat her to the punch. You are not obligated to support her through school, your obligations are with your children. These thoughts of feeling inferior to her lover will never change because even if he is long gone the thoughts for you will be that is what she is attracted to. A alpha male.
Friskyone4u Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 No Limit had it right. You are Plan B . She did not dump him. I'm still not sure who filed for divorce ? She filed for divorce from you??? Or OM filed for divorce from his wife??? The fact is infidelity does not in most cases cause immediate divorce but the 70% in three years is probably close to right. You are not going to get over it without a huge amount of work on her part. Doing housework does not qualify . Most here believe her story is crap. The only true part is she was ready to leave you. My advice is to see an attorney now 2
harrybrown Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 How do you know she has not taken the A underground? How do you know she does not have contact with him now? Sorry for your pain. Your kids are young, this is early in your marriage for her to have an A? Did she tell you why, besides she wanted to, she liked it and she is selfish? Did she think about your kids? Have you had them tested to make sure that they are yours? Hope you find some peace someday. 1
badkarma2013 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) TrustedthenBusted Established Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: Southern CA Posts: 472 You are going to get a lot of people who tell you to divorce. I am not ( yet ) one of them. ******************************************************************* I really do not think most here are advocating Divorce...However he is clearly lost...and looking for help... Sometimes in real life....When you and yours are being overrun...you have to call a strike on your own POS...Will you survive ?..Maybe..Will those who are trying to kill you make it...more than likely not..But you may not either...it is a chance one takes.... It is a chance Just like R ...These are the most Difficult choices he may make in his life...he NEEDS to see both sides... I AM NOT anti-R... However....In my many months here ..I have seen very few truly successful attempts at R... Badkarma PS Again I was not, nor will ever be someones Plan B. Edited February 25, 2015 by badkarma2013 3
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