I miss my love after I was married forcefully ?

[dk84]

I was in deep relation with my ex-girlfriend for 3 years, I live and work in Canada and she is in India, due to family mismatch, my parents didn't agree for our marriage. In last 2 years I visited India 3 times only to resolve our marriage issue, but my parents' smart moves never allowed my marriage with her in proper manner.

 

I came to India again 4th time last month, they extremely pressurized and emotionally tourchered me to marry a girl of their choice, I cried and fought a lot but my parents were so selfish for their ego, respect and society. I married a girl of their choice last month and in few weeks my wife came to know about my past that I am not happy with this marriage.

 

When I returned from India to Canada last month, I visited my ex-girlfriend's hometown, spoke and regretted to her for what ever happened, I explained her the whole situation and how I was treated for this marriage and she said if I can divorce my wife, she is very much willing to marry me and ready to wait for me. We both were in so much love and feelings with each other and I asked her to wait for a month, while I discuss to my wife. We cried a lot together when she left me at Airport for next months' wait.

 

But suddenly, in last week or so my girlfriend's attitude changed, she started ignoring me, she said I did everything for my parents respect and never took care for her and there is no guarantee for success even if I come to resolve this matter again. She saw my wife's Facebook profile where she posted our marriage pics and my ex- girlfriend was so mad at me. My girlfriend's attitude has changed a lot in a week's time and I could smell she does not have anymore interest in me. Her family was so happy with me before my marriage because of my kind nature and love to their daughter but now they also doesn't support her anymore in keeping any relations or talks with me.

 

My parents before my marriage abused a lot to my ex-girlfriend and her family over phone because they didn't like her and wanted her to be out of my life, even after my marriage they keep doing the same and as per her, my parents would never accept her and she and her family are so scared from my parents.

 

Today me and my wife are not happy at all, in fact we cry together for whatever happened in just after month of marriage, as per her I ruined her an my life only because to give happiness to my rest family. my family has broken all relations with me post marriage, they don't care or talk to me seems they have thrown me after from their life once their desires have been achieved. only support and smile I had was from my ex-girlfriend's presence in my life.

 

Today I am truly alone, far from home and cry everyday, every moment my heart says I cant live with my ex-girlfriend and only she can bring my smile back. she must be going through equally pain as she could feel my love for her every second when we were together.

 

I have lost my smile, my happiness, my relations, my love and passing through a very tough time, I feel my happiness lies only in my girlfriend as I love her my heart out, but it seems she wants to walk away from my life, What should I do ?? Please help !

[justwhoiam]

Hi dk84,

 

Welcome to the LDR loveshack forum.

 

Were you born in 1984? You'd be 31 and mature enough to make your own decisions.

 

I really have a hard time understanding how you could accept to marry someone you hardly ever met, have no connection with, possibly no chemistry and whom you're not in love with. A total disaster.

 

How much time has gone by since you married? Can you annul the marriage?

Did you consume the marriage? And how many times?

[dk84]

I have been married for just one month but me and my wife are passing through misery after all what happened. All we do everyday is cry together as she knows I cant make her happy as my own feelings have been ruined.

[justwhoiam]

You didn't answer all my questions.

 

Can you annul the marriage? I think it'd be wise. It's just one month.

Did you consume the marriage? And how many times?

[dk84]

My wife tries to please me but she is slowly getting she was never my choice and I was not happy at all with this marriage. Now in just month's time she says that she will keep me happy and love me a lot, which is very easy for her because I was her first choice, but I am finding it pain to replace her with a girl to whom I gave my 3 years heart out love. my wife says that her parents are also not happy with this marriage and my parents' health is also getting weaker. My wife might be ready for separation as we can't live with this burden everyday and cry like anything but that doesn't solve my misery as my ex-girlfriend is very much upset with what my parents did to her and might not be ready to come back as she has family pressure too. So far we don't have any kind of physical relationship yet, I didn't consume the marriage - ALL I WOULD SAY MANY PEOPLE SUGGESTED MY PARENTS NOT TO GO FOR THIS MARRIAGE AS I WAS NOT HAPPY AND THEY ARE SPOILING 3 LIVES, THIS WAS FACT BUT THEY DIDN'T NOTICED AND NOW I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING IS COMING TRUE.

[d0nnivain]

You & your wife agreed to this arranged marriage, for better or worse. Since you are stuck, try forgetting your EX GF & making the best of the situation you are in. Try romancing your wife. Tell her you are doing this & that you want to find some way so you are both not miserable.

 

Life has given you lemons -- partly because you accepted them -- so not it is incumbent upon you to make lemonade. Get squeezin'!

[AVarma]

You & your wife agreed to this arranged marriage, for better or worse. Since you are stuck, try forgetting your EX GF & making the best of the situation you are in. Try romancing your wife. Tell her you are doing this & that you want to find some way so you are both not miserable.

 

Life has given you lemons -- partly because you accepted them -- so not it is incumbent upon you to make lemonade. Get squeezin'!

 

They probably "agreed" to it.... if you know what I mean.

[justwhoiam]

I disagree with d0nnivain on this.

 

dk84, you don't need a separation/divorce, you need to annul the marriage ASAP.

Please do it right now.

I think it should be easy, as you didn't consume the marriage at all and you're only one month in. The sooner, the better.

 

Be a man, or you might regret it for the rest of your life. You are going to make this girl's life miserable. She's young. You're young. It'll be like neither of you ever got married, if you get the annulment.

 

You then tell your girlfriend that you're getting an annulment. If she really loves you, she will wait.

 

If she tries to reject you, try to make her reason and beg her not to make your own mistake, when you went against your own feelings and you know the destructive results you got. And she knows too.

 

If she then doesn't want to have anything to do with you, you let her go. And start from scratch. Your family seems quite unaffectionate and unable to give you any emotional support. Seek for some comfort from friends if you can. If they're real friends, they'll help you. Or maybe you have some relative who can support you somehow.

Edited February 26, 2015 by justwhoiam

[d0nnivain]

I disagree with d0nnivain on this.

 

dk84, you don't need a separation/divorce, you need to annul the marriage ASAP.

Please do it right now.

I think it should be easy, as you didn't consume the marriage at all and you're only one month in. .

 

 

You are right that this is the best present course but I don't think the OP has the internal fortitude to do this. If he had the ability to stand up for himself he never would have "agreed" to this in the 1st place. That is why I suggested the 2nd best alternative: make the best of a bad situation.

 

 

Saying no I don't want this arranged marriage is way easier than trying to undo it now even if he has the legal ground to do it.

[TMichaels]

"Did you consume the marriage? And how many times?"

 

"So far we don't have any kind of physical relationship yet, I didn't consume the marriage..."

 

 

consume

 

verb con·sume \kən-ˈsüm\

: to eat or drink (something)

: to use (fuel, time, resources, etc.)

: to destroy (something) with fire

 

 

consummate

 

verb con·sum·mate \ˈkän(t)-sə-ˌmāt\

: to make (a marriage or romantic relationship) complete by having sex

: to make (something) perfect or complete

 

 

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

Thanks, TMichaels

Luckily he got what I meant!

 

We were not talking of Silence of the Lambs

[dk84]

Hi, thank you for your kind response. I don't know what is right and what is wrong in current situation but I am coming from Hindu background and we have lot of emotional and cultural aspects to think before we take any step in our life, sometimes you must agree or you will be agreed for that.

 

My ex-girlfriend is my smile, this is what my heart says because I lost her and my guess its too late to realize. To be honest, I realized her importance once I lost her and I am truly guilty of what happened to her image in 3 years time. Many people have suggested me that I am bull sheet and selfish person as I don't think about my wife's future, but I am sad today and not happy at all with what my parents' did and still doing to me and to my ex- girlfriend. They ruined everything for both of us, now is that so easy I forget everything what happened with me and my ex and make my current wife happy easily to please my parents and signal them I have given up everything ?

 

Before marriage, My wife had just one wish to marry me irrespective i talk to her, think about her or no. she just wanted to marry me that's it, I was happy or no or what if I was not talking to her, didn't matter for her or her family. I understand I am so immature guy who married in difficult circumstances and now making excuses, but only I can imagine the pain I am getting and even today my ex-girlfriend is suffering even after I married somewhere else, because of my parents stupid and nonsense behaviour.

 

15 days before my marriage, when I met my wife, I took her for walk and cried outside in front of her and said there is nothing such good relation and time between me and my family and I might need to go back to work even before marriage because I don't have leaves and both families pressurizing me to stay like anything. I tried to give her all clues I could but she didn't get any attention.

 

I tried to run away from my hometown before marriage but was caught on air port two times by my family members, they created lot of drama just to get this marriage done, they took my passport with them, broke my phone, never allowed me to go out alone about 25 days during which I couldn't talk my ex-girlfriend and she was mad at me for those 25 days.

 

I am leaving for back home tomorrow and I totally understand how much pain my wife might be feeling now and my ex-girlfriend is nearly impossible to get back, but even if I can get her spoiled image and self pride back in her society, I will be proud to some extent and rest all outcomes, I am leaving upto God.

 

Thanks again for your all inputs and I apologize to all form members if I am keep making nonsense excuses.

[Satu]

I think its hard for anybody from outside this culture to understand how powerful the pressures exerted can be.

 

The idea is that you put your own wishes completely aside in order to be a good son or daughter.

 

If you choose happiness rather than your parents wishes, you are 'bad.'

 

If you accept your parents wishes, you are 'good', but in many cases very miserable for the rest of your life.

 

It should be said though, that some arranged marriages are happy.

 

 

 

- From RD Laing, radical psychiatrist:

 

 

It is our duty to bring up our children to love,

 

honour and obey us.

 

If they don’t they must be punished,

 

otherwise we would not be doing our duty.

 

 

 

If they grow up to love, honour and obey us

 

either we have brought them up properly

 

or we have not:

 

if we have

 

there must be something the matter with them;

 

if we have not

 

there is something the matter with us.

[bathtub-row]

Get a divorce. Even if you can't make amends with your former girlfriend, at least you'll be out of the marriage. However, you can probably get back together with your former girlfriend, but you have to get a divorce first.

[loveboid]

If you get a divorce your girlfriend will probably marry you. All will be forgiven.

[d0nnivain]

If the OP had the ability / fortitude to get a divorce / annulment don't you all think he would have been able to get out of the arranged marriage to begin with?

 

His relatives kidnapped him at the AP, twice, and held him hostage for 25 days before the marriage. In a culture that accepts that don't you think that these same people will try to kill him or his wife before they let the "shame" of divorce taint their families?

 

This isn't western culture we're dealing with here.

 

While I think the whole situation is abhorrent as anyone here, I don't see where divorce is an option.

[justwhoiam]

I understand the family pressures, but probably "kidnapping" is a stretch. It's not that they had a gun pointed at him, right? I guess they used psychological pressures and he gave in. He should have been firm and just say "no". AP stands for airport? That's a public place, he would have been safe. But I agree, he didn't have the courage to say no.

 

Is living like a puppet worth it? I don't know. We have human rights for children too. I can't imagine doing that to an adult either.

 

But I'm aware that some parents can make your life impossible.

 

dk, don't you have friends who can support you? Who can help you. Anyway, I thought of something else too. You live in a different country, so you can do everything from abroad. And never go back. Try that route.

 

Unless that meant risking your own life. Is that in the scenario?