Drinks with ex

[mikev123]

Hey guys, long time since I've been on here so I'll give a quick run down!

 

- 1 year relationship, dumped about 5-6 months ago, went straight no contact

- She began to contact me again around Christmas, more and more often

- I only replied because I genuinely felt I was doing fine and it would do no harm

- Feelings of course resurfaced...

- I asked her what she thought about maybe trying again. She had exams though and wanted to focus on those which I completely agreed with.

- She then asked if I would like to meet up for a drink

 

So! We met up for a couple of hours, had a great time, constant laughing, catching up etc. Then as we were leaving I asked about what she thought.

 

Her reply was basically that it's been so long without seeing each other and talking properly and so she wants to try and build our friendship back up first. I agreed it was a good idea as I don't feel diving straight back into a relationship would ever work after that much time.

 

I guess I just don't really know how genuine she is being. I've heard a lot about ex's keeping you on the side. I know you guys aren't mind-readers haha, I guess I'm just asking for opinions on how people think I should proceed or whether I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses here...

 

Thank you for any help! (sorry, ended up longer than I thought)

 

P.S Also we both joked about how nobody knew we were meeting up (its true). Honestly, I did it because I just didn't want people knowing if it wasn't going to lead anyway. Struggling to understand why she would do the same if she just wanted to be friends... Again, more than likely I'm looking at this in an overly positive light :/

Edited February 24, 2015 by mikev123

[Simon Phoenix]

I think the fact that she thinks she should dictate the pace of any relationship is a huge red flag. And just because you feel a certain way about hanging out with her doesn't mean she feels the same about you and doesn't mean she is going to agree with how you perceive it. I mean, I'm sure you didn't agree with her about breaking up the relationship did you? Don't assume that she agrees with and is willing to work with your perception of what your interaction and relationship should be.

 

Sounds like you did this before you were ready to do this. She should be doing what you want, you shouldn't be on egg shells doing what she wants. I would be less available to her if I was you.

[flightplan]

+1 Simon. What is it you want? If she can't give it to you, find someone who will. It may sound sexist, but the alpha male moves at his pace, not hers. Pull away and explore other options and I'd bet a dollar to a donut, she'll take notice.

[writergal]

+1 Simon and +1 flight plan. Both your observations are spot on correct. Whenever you reconnect with a past love, it's rare that they will want to rekindle anything with you -- let alone a platonic friendship to build a foundation from. Very rare. Let her go. She's not on the same page as you. She'll only hurt you in the long run, when she doesn't reciprocate what you give to her.

[calgary]

i know a lot of people will disagree and that's fine.

 

But i keep reading how when in no contact that you're not supposed to reply to breadcrumbs and wait for the ' i made a huge mistake, i want you back' message.

In reality i don't think it works like that. Especially after 6 months.

 

I think people reach out in less subtle ways than that.

 

It's like everybody says, you have to leave the old relationship behind you and treat it as a new one.

 

I'd consider this ' drinks' a first date. I've never walked into a first date and asked a girl to be my girlfriend.

 

I'd treat it like a new relationship and not move so fast, just relax and enjoy yourself and see where it takes you, flirt and see if she responds etc.

 

That's my advice but i'm not an expert at getting ex's back.

[Simon Phoenix]

i know a lot of people will disagree and that's fine.

 

But i keep reading how when in no contact that you're not supposed to reply to breadcrumbs and wait for the ' i made a huge mistake, i want you back' message.

In reality i don't think it works like that. Especially after 6 months.

 

I think people reach out in less subtle ways than that.

 

It's like everybody says, you have to leave the old relationship behind you and treat it as a new one.

 

I'd consider this ' drinks' a first date. I've never walked into a first date and asked a girl to be my girlfriend.

 

I'd treat it like a new relationship and not move so fast, just relax and enjoy yourself and see where it takes you, flirt and see if she responds etc.

 

That's my advice but i'm not an expert at getting ex's back.

 

Pretty much every successful reconciliation I know of involved exactly what you say never happens. And yes, they usually do reach out in more subtle ways, but they will also up the ante if that subtle reaching out isn't returned.

 

In this situation, your preferred method of attack is not realistic. The OP clearly isn't over the first relationship and doesn't have the ability to "take it slow". If he was completely recovered and he wanted to work slowly at his own pace, that'd be great, but he clearly is not comfortable with that. Either way, its up to the dumper to go at the dumpee's pace in a reconciliation if they are serious about it. If the dumpee wants to jump back in right away, the dumper better want to to. If the dumpee wants to take it slow, the dumper better do the same.

 

Ideally of course you want to start a new relationship slowly, but that's not possible with the OP's state of mind. He's already second-guessing and overanalyzing and pushing. He needs to recover more and back off. At that point, maybe she realizes she needs to come correct and goes out of her way to make a reconciliation attempt clear. But it's not up to him to go on her timetable -- that's not going to work.

[Ruby65]

Pretty much every successful reconciliation I know of involved exactly what you say never happens. And yes, they usually do reach out in more subtle ways, but they will also up the ante if that subtle reaching out isn't returned.

 

Agreed. This is how it worked for me, anyway -- and most other lasting reconciliations I've heard of. As a dumper, I pushed for reconciliation immediately -- there was nothing slow or subtle, even though almost a year had gone by with complete No Contact between us. We simply agreed to reconcile and were back at 100% couple status -- there was no hesitation or gradually building up from a friendship because we both knew we wanted to get back together.

 

It's really pretty simple, when it happens. It's all the maneuvering to keep people as backups while still trying to look around for other options.... that's when it gets complicated!