My fiancées secret

[Mitch]

I need help. My fiancée comes on this message board a lot. and you have helped her. Can you help me?

 

Last night we were sitting down and she told me she had a secret to tell me. She told me all this distgusting sordid stuff about what her uncle and aunt had done to her, (she was sexually abused from the age of five). I just couldn't believe it. I drove up to her uncles house and punched him in the face. When I got home she was hysterical, threatening to kill herself and we both started crying. I never knew she has been feeling this way. I feel like a failure for not noticing it and I don;'t want to let her down. I didn;'t touch her in bed last night because I felt like I would be hurting her. It's hard to explain.

 

But now I need to know how to deal with this. I can't believe this has happened to the woman I love, who I care for so much. I would do anything for her and she knows it. We have a child together and I don't want her thinking that I will be like her uncle was to her and do that to our baby girl, Keeleigh. But this has sent me on a huge head mess. What can I do to help her and help myself before she does some serious harm to us?

[Three Little Cows]

Get a life get over it.

[Tony T]

I told your fiance you would react exactly this way...and you did.

 

Your finance has gone through a lot of trauma over this and she really doesn't need any more. She is suicidal to some extent and needs comfort and support and your understanding.

 

I do not think she is nearly as in touch with her anger as you are. I urged her to report all of this to the police and have her aunt and uncle arrested. What they did to her was brutal and inhuman. She said she visits them regularly and they are just about all the family she has, which is no excuse. The only way she will begin to heal from the abuse she sustained is to have them behind bars. It doesn't matter how old and frail they are. At this time, she does not want to report them but there is not statute of limitations on this offense.

 

Other than keeping your cool and honoring her wishes, you can do nothing...and you shouldn't do anything. You committed a crime by punching her uncle out...although I'm glad you did. Once you give your lady some encouragement to report this, just back off. If her Uncle reports the assault, then you should definitely report the abuse incidents involving your fiance.

 

What she went through was worse than any prisoner of war and just about as bad as any holocaust victim. When this kind of abuse is cast upon you, while you should be trying to grieve the death of your parents, the pain and hurt sustained is almost unfathomable.

 

So once you have discussed this with her and she has told you what her feelings are, just drop it. Don't go see her aunt and uncle anymore. This is a matter between her and them. She'll sort it out in her own time. Please do your best to try to understand your fiance needs mental relief from all this. Carry on a normal relationship but try to give her the peace on earth she deserves at this time.

 

Stick by her and give her comfort. Right now, she is on the edge of suicide. She has nightmares. She can't sleep. You are the only person she really has right now and she doesn't needing you shaking her world as well.

 

If she doesn't want to report these people now, she may in time.

 

The very best thing you can do for her is get her counselling. She has many issues that she isn't even aware of yet. These nightmares are just one of the symptoms. Anybody who has gone through the terrible things she has certainly would need help.

 

Warning: A counsellor may be under legal obligation to report this to the police once disclosed in a therapy session. Find this out ahead of time.

 

Be kind and gentle to this lady. She needs no more pain.

[Sam]

I sneed help. My fiancée comes on this message board a lot. and you have helped her. Can you help me? Last night we were sitting down and she told me she had a secret to tell me. She told me all this distgusting sordid stuff about what her uncle and aunt had done to her, (she was sexually abused from the age of five). I just couldn't believe it. I drove up to her uncles house and punched him in the face. When I got home she was hysterical, threatening to kill herself and we both started crying. I never knew she has been feeling this way. I feel like a failure for not noticing it and I don;'t want to let her down. I didn;'t touch her in bed last night because I felt like I would be hurting her. It's hard to explain. But now I need to know how to deal with this. I can't believe this has happened to the woman I love, who I care for so much. I would do anything for her and she knows it. We have a child together and I don't want her thinking that I will be like her uncle was to her and do that to our baby girl, Keeleigh. But this has sent me on a huge head mess. What can I do to help her and help myself before she does some serious harm to us?

[Laurynn]

For someone to tell someone "get a life, get over it" in response to a situation like this.....that's unthinkable.

 

What's even MORE unthinkable is......the IP# of Mitch (and Victoriana) is the *same* as this "Three Little Cows" person.

 

Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds like someone, somewhere is playing some games here, which is freaking sickening, considering the subject matter.

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

Yes, you are right. People are using multiple names to even fake hostile responses to their own posts.

 

Laurynn, you are a psychiatric nurse. Isn't there a technical name for doing this sort of thing? Multiple Personality Disorder or something like that?

 

I never cease to be amazed or amused.

[Laurynn]

Actually Tony, not a psychiatric nurse......but here in Canada, RN's are qualified to work Psych units, which is what I did for a quite a few years, wayyyyy back.

 

Multiple personality? Well actually, that's interesting that you say that. It's actually very common (though I'm not saying that's the case here) that many people who are sexually abused as children, grow up developing Multiple Personality Disorder.......they do it as a way of coping with their past abuse. They often find safety, comfort, security in taking on different identities.

 

As for this situation, I think some people just need to get a freakin life and stop wasting people's time on places like this. Crap like this, makes many of us skeptical of the posts here.....makes us wonder, more often than not, about the validity of the posts......I know it does for me. And I'm less likely to respond to someone if I think they're pulling our collective legs. It's sort of like that story, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".

 

L

[Tony T]

Victoriana posted at 6:32a.m. today, not long before her alleged boyfriend. This could still be a very legitimate post, they are using the same computer, and the post from the Three Little Cows could just have been a brain fart...who knows?

[Miss Mojo]

...that it is a legitimate post and it's victoriana getting pissed at mitch under an assumed name (he probably wouldn't check the IP address).

 

but to "get over it"...hmmmm. it's not that easy, and it's pretty heartless advice, especially if this is a legitimate post.

 

....or it could be three little cows playing on situations that in real life, are just not funny.

[Mitch]

I read all your posts. Me and Victoriana live in the same house and use the same computer. So obviously we would have the same IP address. I can't understand why that message from Three Little Cows came up but if I find out who did it they will be Three Little Cows with Foot-and-Mouth disease.

 

Thanks for your advicew Tony, I know Victoriana needs support but she is refusing to go to a counsellor to put it right. She said that she doesn't want to have people thinking that she is a psychopath or maniac. I know shes not. She needs help. Please help me to give it to her.

 

The only reason I came ont his website was because Victoriana got up, came on the computer then went back to bed. I checked the history files and came to this address, read all her posts and I thought that if she is asking for help off you lot, then I would too. And I have and all I have got is abuse saying that I faked my own messages. We have a roommate who might have used the computer and my neices came round a little later on. I will find out who posted it but i can tell you that it wasn't me or Victoriana.

[Tony T]

Thank you for your kind reply.

 

I do not think it was proper or noble of you to invade your girlfriend's privacy by reading her confidential posts and then deciding to confront her and take action. I hope in the future you will garner the maturity to approach such a subject with a lot more discretion and sensitivity.

 

While I am glad you went off and punched her uncle, you should have taken a lot more time to get this information straight from your girlfriend and NOT from her posts. People are entitled to their privacy. If you happened along to her posts, you should have used that information to slowly get her to discuss these things with you. I hope as part of your growth as a human you will consider adding wisdom, timing, discretion, respect for others' privacy, etc. to your list of things to consider.

 

Your ISP is registered to a learning institution in Britain so I am assuming the computer you share with your girlfriend uses a dial-in modem to the institution's server. If neither you nor your girlfriend posted the "three little cows" reply, which was pretty lame, I suppose it could have been coincidentally someone who uses the same server.

 

At any rate, without being a pest and using a high degree of good judgement and compassion, I hope you will encourage your girlfriend to seek counselling. Millions of people seek therapy each year for a multitude of problems, most of which do not even come close to the brutality and loss she experienced as a child. She would certainly NEVER, under any conditions be considered a maniac or psychopath for seeking help to deal with the issues she faces.

 

I pray with all fervor that you will respect her privacy and let her post here without inspecting what she writes. I fear you have driven her off and that is very sad. She will be most reluctant to use the tool of the Internet to seek the help she so badly needs because she knows you track her moves on it.

 

If you trust her so little that you must look at her history list to trace the places she has visited on the Internet, with or without reason, you need to leave her because you are not worthy of her. Relationships must be based on trust and the granting of independence to the other person. Any lady who routinely inspected my Internet history or anything else personal about my life would be out the door.

 

Perhaps you could use some counselling yourself for your distrust, perhaps paranoia (if it runs that bad), and for your impulsivity in running to punch out people before you have had a few days to talk things out and give some thought to committing such a crime (albeit an appropriate one, nevertheless a crime).

 

Your girlfriend needs a man of great compassion, wisdom, trust, good judgement, understanding, and discretion at this time. Either become that for her or free her to find that for herself. I know you care about her a great deal and you would want her to have a man with the qualities she needs at this point in her life.

[Laurynn]

You say you live in a house with Victoriana? So why is your internet provider a college in the U.K.?

 

You know, it wouldn't be the first time that college kids, with nothing better to do, got a kick out of posting phony messages (on a serious subject) on a forum like this one.

 

What I find strange, if what you say is true.......that you posted yesterday, only a few moments after Victoriana did. From what you admitted (allegedly), you snooped in the history files to see where she goes (that's nice)....so did you also lurk around the house a few minutes after she posted, then post too? Unless you live in the Taj Mahal, I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't 'catch' you posting on a board that she's posted some very personal info on.

 

And now you're saying it might have been your roommate or nieces who were 'Three Little Cows'? So by that, are you saying that everyone who comes into your home, they go through the history files to see where people go, then go there and post stupid things?

 

Funny too, how your writing style is IDENTICAL to Victoriana's, right down to using "accents" when writing the words "fiance" (or her, "fiancee").

 

You obviously don't give us enough credit here, mister. We didn't just fall off the turnip truck.

 

I think it is absolutely disturbing for people to make up bogus posts about childhood sexual abuse. That is not a humorous topic. And wasting our time, those of us who spend our time, effort and compassion responding.......

 

I think some college kids there need to get a freakin' grip.

 

L