affair and posible pregnancy

[masjdh]

Hello, everyone

I have been in a very stressful situation lately andI can't get a hold of it. I am very glad I found this community, because I can tell it's for sensitive, serious advice.

 

I guess I need to start by stating I am in my early twenties and have been in a long term relationship since I was 17. I've had my rough periods with this girl, but I love her so much. The thing is that this kind of relationship during coming of age is hard : as a youngster I had no previous experience with girls. Shewas very patient and caring to me, even when she knows I have a it of emotional issues.

 

The trouble started justtwo weeks ago. I was drunk and had unprotected d sex with a partner from work. I know its just been two weeks but I am dead terrified about my s girl being pregnant. I have no feelings for her , it was actually a one night thing. Nevertheless I just can get it off my mind. Its been two weeks since I have slept a good nights sleep.

I feel as if this decision will change the entire course of my existence: leaving my girlfriend, confronting her by telling the truth, impending days of depression, child support...just because of a stupid decision.

Then there are STDs. Although this worries me a bit less it DOES worry me. So there's these three issues : my partner, a possible pregnancy, or getting a disease.

On top of that is all this guilt a I feel for betraying my partner. I don't know what to do or think no ease my mind. I just feel hopeless and very guilty.

[No Limit]

Yes, it can change your life completely. But it's done now. What you can do is getting tested for STDs, everything else is now out of your hand. Will you tell your GF that you cheated on her, or leave her in the dark (at least until you maybe or maybe not receive the happy message you'll be a daddy soon)?

[Trimmer]

We'll deal with the current girlfriend situation as a separate issue (but obviously connected...) but my first question is this: You say you are terrified about your OW (other woman) being pregnant. Understanding that you had unprotected sex, do you have any other reason or evidence to make you think she might be pregnant?

 

It seems like you are already spinning out worrying about how it is going to change your life, when you don't even know if she is actually pregnant yet. Even having had unprotected sex, there's a pretty good chance she is not.

 

Indeed, you have made a decision that will likely change your life, but I think you are focusing on the (possible) pregnancy that is likely not even going to happen, and by doing this, you are avoiding the very real and absolutely certain scenario that you are going to have to clean up within your own relationship.

[fellini]

I'm sorry but you seemed to have missed a gigantic issue.

 

"I got drunk and had sex with a co-worker"... although they are called one night stands they are not nothing when they are workplace based.

 

It seems to me the really deep, albeit the one you don't wish to acknowledge is how this really all came about.

 

Tomorrow you might discover she has moved on, was on the pill, isn't pregnant.

 

What are you going to do about the guy who just got drunk and screwed a woman he works with, and probably continues to work with? What are you going to do about you?

 

 

 

Hello, everyone

I have been in a very stressful situation lately andI can't get a hold of it. I am very glad I found this community, because I can tell it's for sensitive, serious advice.

 

I guess I need to start by stating I am in my early twenties and have been in a long term relationship since I was 17. I've had my rough periods with this girl, but I love her so much. The thing is that this kind of relationship during coming of age is hard : as a youngster I had no previous experience with girls. Shewas very patient and caring to me, even when she knows I have a it of emotional issues.

 

The trouble started justtwo weeks ago. I was drunk and had unprotected d sex with a partner from work. I know its just been two weeks but I am dead terrified about my s girl being pregnant. I have no feelings for her , it was actually a one night thing. Nevertheless I just can get it off my mind. Its been two weeks since I have slept a good nights sleep.

I feel as if this decision will change the entire course of my existence: leaving my girlfriend, confronting her by telling the truth, impending days of depression, child support...just because of a stupid decision.

Then there are STDs. Although this worries me a bit less it DOES worry me. So there's these three issues : my partner, a possible pregnancy, or getting a disease.

On top of that is all this guilt a I feel for betraying my partner. I don't know what to do or think no ease my mind. I just feel hopeless and very guilty.

Edited February 25, 2015 by fellini

[Oberfeldwebel]

The trouble started just two weeks ago. I was drunk and had unprotected sex with a partner from work. I know its just been two weeks but I am dead terrified about this girl being pregnant. I have no feelings for her , it was actually a one night thing.(

 

When you say that this evening meant nothing, you mean nothing to you. It may have meant nothing to the young lady in question and it definitely will to both of you should she happen to get pregnant. I hope that she is not pregnant but there is not much you can do about that now. You know how to prevent this, so if you are going to engage in this behavior in the future, No Glove - No Love.

 

However, this is going to be a big deal to your GF, which I assume you do have strong feelings about her. Is this the kind of partner you want to be? What would you do if she had gone out and got pregnant by another man? What would you do then? We say that sex means nothing, but it does. Either way, you are going to get a very painful education. I know that you are young and we all make mistakes, but it sounds like it is time for you to put your big boy pants on and man up.

 

I recommend that you sit down with your GF and have a very serious discussion and see if you can repair the relationship. It is not fair to her if you can't be open and honest with her. Second, speak with the other young lady and apologize for your behavior and let her know your position with your GF. As for the possibility of becoming a father, that is a very blessed event that I hope that you get to enjoy someday.....just not today.

[BlackHat]

1. Do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to the potentially pregnant girl. If she finds out about your worries she will exploit them.

 

Whether you talk to her or not won´t change a thing. If she is pregnant, you will soon get her call. If she is not, you don´t talk to her ever again.

 

2. If you are honest with your girlfriend she will NEVER forgive you. You will create a wound that will NEVER heal. And yes, it is always "better" to be honest, but if you want to keep her you will have to swallow this one, dig a hole in your heart and bury it, never to bring this up ever again.

 

But that would be unfair for her, so you are going to make a tough choice here. Being honest and destroy the relationship, or lie to her and keep things as they are now, but with the poison inside of you of course.

[CrystalShine2011]

What a situation.

 

All I know is that if my boyfriend did this to me, I would HOPE he would find the confidence to tell me. I would understand, in my situation I think we would work through it.

[Mal78]

This is a tough one.

 

As your co-worker do you see/talk to her on a daily basis?

 

Has she shown any remorse/regret for the situation?

 

If she is pregnant do you expect/want/assume she will carry the pregnancy? (As it seems you are jumping the gun)

 

Do you feel or have you seen an obvious connection with this girl? Did it seem she has tried to pursue you prior to this encounter? Do you see her as a threat?

 

I think the worst thing right now is for your GF to find out the hard way. Telling her, then explaining the possibility of pregnancy due to unprotected sex vs. Telling her that in fact this girl is pregnant. At least she would be prepared with the first scenario vs. Blindsided with the second.

 

Obviously this is weighing heavy on your heart. Although intoxication is a faulty excuse at least your sober mind/heart is realizing the severity of your choice.

[masjdh]

We'll deal with the current girlfriend situation as a separate issue (but obviously connected...) but my first question is this: You say you are terrified about your OW (other woman) being pregnant. Understanding that you had unprotected sex, do you have any other reason or evidence to make you think she might be pregnant?

 

It seems like you are already spinning out worrying about how it is going to change your life, when you don't even know if she is actually pregnant yet. Even having had unprotected sex, there's a pretty good chance she is not.

 

I have no other evidence that she may be pregnant. She told me next week shetook a morning after pill, but I've always had my reserves with this method.

[masjdh]

This is a tough one.

 

As your co-worker do you see/talk to her on a daily basis?

 

Has she shown any remorse/regret for the situation?

 

If she is pregnant do you expect/want/assume she will carry the pregnancy? (As it seems you are jumping the gun)

 

Do you feel or have you seen an obvious connection with this girl? Did it seem she has tried to pursue you prior to this encounter? Do you see her as a threat?.

 

We see each other but don't have the chance to talk, we work in separates sections. We just throw each other awkward looks.

 

I'm not sure because I had just met this girl, it was sort of semi-anonymous

[masjdh]

1. Do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to the potentially pregnant girl. If she finds out about your worries she will exploit them.

 

Whether you talk to her or not won´t change a thing. If she is pregnant, you will soon get her call. If she is not, you don´t talk to her ever again.

 

2. If you are honest with your girlfriend she will NEVER forgive you. You will create a wound that will NEVER heal. And yes, it is always "better" to be honest, but if you want to keep her you will have to swallow this one, dig a hole in your heart and bury it, never to bring this up ever again.

 

But that would be unfair for her, so you are going to make a tough choice here. Being honest and destroy the relationship, or lie to her and keep things as they are now, but with the poison inside of you of course.

 

1.- I just told her once that I was worried about an possible pregnancy and she told me she took the morning after pill. She said no worries and even threw some allure. Since then (a week ago) we haven't talked again. Just waved at each other.

 

2.-I think I may be able to deal with it, of course when I can have certainty of the situation. And I agree with you. There are scars that take long time to heal and one of this depth I can't even imagine.

[Try]

I have no other evidence that she may be pregnant. She told me next week shetook a morning after pill, but I've always had my reserves with this method.

You should have reservations. While birth control pills are more than 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy, morning after pills are only 90% to 95% effective at preventing pregnancy. Thus even if she did take a morning after pill, there is still a 5% to 10% chance that she will get pregnant.

[Sassy Girl]

We see each other but don't have the chance to talk, we work in separates sections. We just throw each other awkward looks.

 

I'm not sure because I had just met this girl, it was sort of semi-anonymous

 

Add me as one eh fell pregnant even after the morning after pill.

 

Besides that though, dude, pills don't prevent STDs. Did you know chlamydia is on the increase amongst young people. HPV, HSV, herpies. Dude, you have seriously put your girl's sexual health at risk. I hope your not havin. Unprotected sex with her now too?

 

It's one thing to play Russian roulette with your own health... It's something different to play it with someone else's .

[Trimmer]

You should have reservations. While birth control pills are more than 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy, morning after pills are only 90% to 95% effective at preventing pregnancy. Thus even if she did take a morning after pill, there is still a 5% to 10% chance that she will get pregnant.

Whoa! Let's be careful with our math here...

 

The effectiveness of traditional birth control (as a percentage) is most commonly given in terms of how well that method works over a full year of use. Thus, your 99.9% effectiveness for birth control pills implies that if 1000 women use that method for a year, we would expect to see 1 pregnancy among that group. (Side note, I don't know if effectiveness is usually quoted to 3 digits - most sources seem to only state it to whole percentage points, e.g. pregnancies per 100 women per year.) Also, note that different rates are given for "perfect use" and "typical use" - sometimes significantly different rates for certain methods like condoms.

 

Having said that, the rate given for morning after pills is different, since they are a post-intercourse method. (I've seen some morning-after rates as low as 75%, but ranging from there to the 88% and above range, depending on the particular formulation being used.) For morning-after pills, the rate is given as the prevention rate of pregnancies that otherwise would have occurred. This is an important distinction, and the 90-95% effectiveness rate you quoted does not mean that there is a 5-10% chance that the OP's OW will get pregnant from this encounter, which is how your statement reads.

 

It means that if she did get pregnant from that one encounter, there's a 5-10% chance that the morning-after pill would fail to terminate that pregnancy. But you then have to take into account that the likelihood of her getting pregnant from a single encounter in the first place is nowhere near 100%, before you multiply that by your quoted 5-10% failure rate of the morning-after method.

 

Bottom line, it is incorrect to take your stated "90-95% effective" rate on the morning-after pill and infer that if 100 women use the morning-after pill after a single unprotected encounter each, 5-10 of them will come up pregnant, which is what your statement says: "...there is still a 5% to 10% chance that she will get pregnant."

 

Note, I'm not advocating that the OP did a sensible thing, that he doesn't need to be concerned, or that he is out of the woods - it is of course possible that she'll get pregnant, and if so, it's possible that the morning after pill will not terminate the pregnancy - see Sassy Girl's example above. I just don't like to see the math misunderstood and more importantly, for misconceptions (no pun intended) to be propagated, so I wanted to correct the record.

[Try]

(Side note, I don't know if effectiveness is usually quoted to 3 digits - most sources seem to only state it to whole percentage points, e.g. pregnancies per 100 women per year.)

I got my numbers from webmd.com which quoted “99.9% effective”.

 

It means that if she did get pregnant from that one encounter, there's a 5-10% chance that the morning-after pill would fail to terminate that pregnancy.

The morning after pill does not work that way. According to webmd.com “Plan B One-Step is a type of emergency contraception. This is birth control that can prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex. People sometimes call it the “morning after pill.”" Webmd.com goes on to state that it “does not cause a miscarriage or abortion. In other words, it does not stop development of a fetus once the fertilized egg implants in the uterus. So it will not work if you are already pregnant when you take it.” Since it does not “terminate the pregnancy” as you stated, but instead prevents the pregnancy, your explanation does not apply.

 

Plannedparenthood.org states “There has been considerable public confusion about the difference between the morning-after pill and the abortion pill", and also states "The morning-after pill, also known as emergency contraception, helps prevent pregnancy; the abortion pill, also known as medication abortion, terminates pregnancy.”

Edited February 28, 2015 by Try

[FallenA]

2. If you are honest with your girlfriend she will NEVER forgive you. You will create a wound that will NEVER heal. And yes, it is always "better" to be honest, but if you want to keep her you will have to swallow this one, dig a hole in your heart and bury it, never to bring this up ever again.

Do not do this, it's cruel & cowardly. No matter what happens she deserves to know the truth. It's not impossible for the OW to tell her or for her to find out in other ways.

Do not make her live a lie to protect your shame.

[Trimmer]

The morning after pill does not work that way. According to webmd.com “Plan B One-Step is a type of emergency contraception. This is birth control that can prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex. People sometimes call it the “morning after pill.”" Webmd.com goes on to state that it “does not cause a miscarriage or abortion. In other words, it does not stop development of a fetus once the fertilized egg implants in the uterus. So it will not work if you are already pregnant when you take it.” Since it does not “terminate the pregnancy” as you stated, but instead prevents the pregnancy, your explanation does not apply.

 

Plannedparenthood.org states “There has been considerable public confusion about the difference between the morning-after pill and the abortion pill", and also states "The morning-after pill, also known as emergency contraception, helps prevent pregnancy; the abortion pill, also known as medication abortion, terminates pregnancy.”

You are absolutely right to correct me - and it's especially humorous, because I was being all pedantic about correcting misconceptions, and there: look what I did!

 

Having said that, the point I was making still stands in its entirety. You said - referring to the OP's unprotected, single-time sexual partner - that if she took the morning after pill, she has a 5-10% chance of being pregnant, and this is absolutely a misapplication of the 90-95% reliability number you quoted.

 

Indeed, I chose the wrong words when I referred to "terminating" the pregnancy, but the point is that the morning after pill has a 90-95% probability of preventing a pregnancy that would otherwise have occurred. That doesn't mean the OP's sex partner has a 5-10% chance of being pregnant after their one encounter.