How do I handle this

[Brendan82]

1. 
   

My wife and I have been married for 10 and together for 12. Both my wife and I are in our early thirties. We have a daughter that’s just turned nine. Overall I like to think we have a nice life together. We get along great and work well together. We do have our little arguments from time to time mostly over small things like another couple.

 

Something has been bothering me for the past few weeks I don't really know to explain it. Something just been off for the last 8 or so months. My wife been a little distant and very short tempered any little thing sets her off. I started getting that gut feeling that’s something’s up. She always on her phone it’s glued to her hip. Well, she comes home a few nights ago and tells me she'd been fired. She was incredibly upset, like even more than I thought she would be over the loss of a job she sometimes really didn't care for. It's not like we're financially in trouble. So after trying to comfort her for a while, she's ranting and raving about how unfair it is and how pissed she is at her boss, and my empathy with her starts to turn into anger. My wife isn't dumb, she goes to work every day, is very responsible, and is very qualified for the job she was hired to do.

 

Well a few days go by and I run into her old boss. She invites me to lunch we kind of go back I was good friends with her younger brother. I bring up how unfair I thought she was being to my wife. I'm going over her duties, the extra things she does, her good attendance record - and that's where she stops me "Your wife comes in at least an hour late at least one or two days every week. It used to just be ever couple of weeks, but it's been getting more frequent. Last week she worked, she was late three days, and was 2 HOURS late one of those days."

 

I start thinking about everything else that’s going on and things are not adding up. I tried to find what’s going on but I couldn’t. So today I hire private investigator to follow her around. Only problem is now I am starting to have doubts. I feel like I took this too far.

[Selfish]

As far as over reacting to being fired. Most people who get fired even from a job they hate aren't happy about it. Its seen as a big failure in our culture usually(though there are some who get fired so much they don't really seem to care)

 

Did you ever ask her and try to find out why she has been different lately?

 

Now the being late. That is pretty serious. I may have followed myself or used a var in her vehicle or a gps before going the PI route but I get it.

 

But i also probably would have confronted as soon as I got home. They say not to until more evidence but imo that much constant empty time wouldhave been evidence enough. At least of there being something hidden.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why would you go to lunch with another woman? especially if she is your wife's x boss and you were angry with her...and why would she invite you to lunch in the first place?

 

I guess in my mind...if i had questions about my spouses behavior...I would ask him...rather than running out to hire a detective....if his answers were not satisfactory...then i could hire a a detective.

 

I am a positive person...so i try not to jump to conclusions about people...especially family.

[Brendan82]

Why would you go to lunch with another woman? especially if she is your wife's x boss and you were angry with her...and why would she invite you to lunch in the first place?

 

I guess in my mind...if i had questions about my spouses behavior...I would ask him...rather than running out to hire a detective....if his answers were not satisfactory...then i could hire a a detective.

 

I am a positive person...so i try not to jump to conclusions about people...especially family.

 

 

 

We both work in similar fields and I usually see her around. That day I went to lunch she was always there and she asked if she could sit with me I said why not. She really didn’t invite me out to lunch.

 

I wasn’t so much my idea to hire investigator but more so my older brother. It’s also part of the reason why I feel I am going too far with all of this.

[Bryanp]

If your wife was consistently late a couple of times each week for up to 1 to 2 hours then it seems that there is a good chance that she was probably up to no good.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would ask her...it gives her the chance to clear it up. If you are not satisfied with her answers...investigate further.

[Mal78]

In her "not fair" rant about being fired did anything in her rant include the reasoning for her dismissal was based on her frequently being late?

 

I would start there, however be prepared for her to blow up. She has lied and with this new information she will deny.

 

"I was never an hour or two late, maybe 5 or 10 minutes if that".

 

I'm sure you feel guilty assuming the worst of your wife but honestly I say trust your gut. If the PI doesn't find anything, he doesn't find anything. No harm, no foul. If he does though.....

 

Yes you could talk to her but if it something she is hiding she will lie, deny.... Perhaps even gaslight your thoughts/feelings.

 

Again, if PI finds nothing.... case close.

[whichwayisup]

She is doing something. Now, whether it's an affair or drugs who knows.

 

Hiring a PI - Let's say she is having an affair? How will you approach her with this? Would you give her a chance to prove to her she can be trustworthy again or would you divorce her?

 

Maybe before you go ahead with the PI it would be best to say to her that you feel she hasn't been herself for a while and ask her if there's something she needs to tell you, that no matter what it is, you'll listen and try to understand.

 

Or you could just hire the PI and find out, then confront her.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Only problem is now I am starting to have doubts. I feel like I took this too far.

 

 

Well if your gut turns out to be wrong, I hope the mods pin this thread because it will be the first time in history.

 

Sorry man. This sucks out loud.

[BetrayedH]

You have enough red flags that it merits investigating. Do so and do it quietly.

[Selfish]

In her "not fair" rant about being fired did anything in her rant include the reasoning for her dismissal was based on her frequently being late?

 

I would start there, however be prepared for her to blow up. She has lied and with this new information she will deny.

 

"I was never an hour or two late, maybe 5 or 10 minutes if that".

 

I'm sure you feel guilty assuming the worst of your wife but honestly I say trust your gut. If the PI doesn't find anything, he doesn't find anything. No harm, no foul. If he does though.....

 

Yes you could talk to her but if it something she is hiding she will lie, deny.... Perhaps even gaslight your thoughts/feelings.

 

Again, if PI finds nothing.... case close.

 

There is a possibility that the boss was lying as well actually. It isn't unheard of. It may seem unlikely but have you considered that? Why did your wife say she was fired?

[loveboid]

Maybe your wife has been unhappy at home these past few months because of work problems. Which makes sense because she got fired.

 

I would start there first unless you have evidence that she's cheating.

[DKT3]

When your spouse is having an affair they leave clues, change their behavior, have large blocks of unexplained missing time. This is like putting a puzzle together with only small out laying parts. Then something happens that drops a large chunk in the middle and the puzzle begins to become clear.

 

OP I think you just got a large chunk. This may be hard for some to understand. Having been down that road I will suggest this isn't the time to confront your wife or ask her anything. Doing so will alert her that you may be on to her forcing her underground. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes, ears and mind open. Pay attention to her actions. In very short order you will have your evidence. If she isn't doing anything (doubtful) then you would have kept you suspection to yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe your wife has been unhappy at home these past few months because of work problems. Which makes sense because she got fired.

 

I would start there first unless you have evidence that she's cheating.

 

But this is a huge red flag (see below quote) and can't be ignored. If she was having work issues, one would think she'd talk to him about it.

 

 

Something has been bothering me for the past few weeks I don't really know to explain it. Something just been off for the last 8 or so months. My wife been a little distant and very short tempered any little thing sets her off. I started getting that gut feeling that’s something’s up. She always on her phone it’s glued to her hip.

[purplesorrow]

Say nothing and hire the pi. She is so sloppy with the work stuff you can probably save money and have your brother do it. If you say anything it will give her a chance to hide things. Good luck.

[No Limit]

Are you financially able to hire an investigator?

You don't even need your gut feeling to see that something's off. She must have been somewhere in those hours.

[fellini]

People usually get fired for either doing something really drastic that merits an immediate dismisal, or they do something over a period of time and after warnings and various mentions, do not stop the behaviour, and force their dismisal.

 

If it were case 1, you wife has been lying to you about her being unfairly fired.

If it were case 2, she knows she pushed things to far, something about her work ethic got out of hand (showing up too late over a period of time, for example, and having been asked not to do so) and so she has been lying to you about when she was going to work and/or not speaking about the reprimands.

 

Either way your spouse has not been honest with you about an issue that affected her work, so I do not see why anyone here thinks you are not entitled to find out what is really going on.

[road]

Where there is smoke there is fire.

 

 

Do not confront WW or even let on that you suspect. For it will cause WW to hide her activities. Your WW's behavior is raising more red flags then the communist party.

 

 

Stay quiet and wait for the PI to get proof.

 

 

You could save money and hide a VAR in WW's car and another in the house where she takes her phone calls.

 

 

Also real time GPS WW's car.

 

 

Once you have evidence then come back and we can guide you through the next step.

[thummper]

We both work in similar fields and I usually see her around. That day I went to lunch she was always there and she asked if she could sit with me I said why not. She really didn’t invite me out to lunch.

 

I wasn’t so much my idea to hire investigator but more so my older brother. It’s also part of the reason why I feel I am going too far with all of this.

 

 

 

I respectfully disagree, Brendan. This may be your one and only way to discover the truth. It sounds very much, from your description of the talk you had with her former boss, that your wife has been in some kind of affair. You NEED to know what she's been up to (and is probably STILL up to) to settle your mind. Good luck in the future.

[oldshirt]

Let's do the math and multiply 2 hrs Times 4 weeks Times 8 months and we come up with approx 2-3 days of missing time. While I love a good UFO story I think we can eliminate getting abducted by aliens right off the bat.

 

We can probably also eliminate that she is volunteering at homeless or battered women's shelters and if she hasn't brought home any cute puppys or kittens in the last month, that probably means that she hasn't been volunteering at the animal shelter on the down low.

 

That leaves approx 64 hours of doing something that she is hiding from everyone. People don't hide the time they spend doing good things.

 

We don't know what she's doing twice a week for 1-2 hours yet but we can assume it's not something her mother would be proud of or she would've at least told her mother.

 

Finding out what she is doing is justified.

[Realist3]

Hire the PI and see what he can come up with.

 

One thing I didn't hear you mention was the length of time your W has had this tardiness issue at work. Most employers will not tolerate this for more than a few weeks. I have fired people over just 2 times in 2 weeks. If this were an ongoing regular practice week after week month after month after month it would be considered an employer accepted practice, and not grounds to fire her. Without knowing how long it has been going on it is difficult to place much weight on that subject just yet.

 

She lied about why she was fired. That in and of itself is not uncommon, even to a spouse. People rarely want to let others know they effed up.

 

I think the biggest red flag would be her change in behavior 8 months ago. If you can pinpoint the month it happened it must have been a dramatic change. People always carry on investigations trying to focus on physical outward evidence. That is all well and good, most people are sloppy and over-confident in their ability to keep things under wraps. Someone with their wits about them can mitigate those risks to almost zero. IMO, that is the easy part. The hardest part to conceal are the emotions involved and interactions with the people closest to you, i.e. spouse/children. One of the most difficult mental exercises I have ever experienced.

 

The first two may end up corroborating the third after the investigation is over, but if not, I would try and remember expressed behaviors that were inconsistent from her norm over the past months. Which means you might have to use another route to find out the truth. If the PI comes up with nothing, don't assume everything is just great.

Edited February 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Brendan82]

In her "not fair" rant about being fired did anything in her rant include the reasoning for her dismissal was based on her frequently being late?

 

I would start there, however be prepared for her to blow up. She has lied and with this new information she will deny.

 

"I was never an hour or two late, maybe 5 or 10 minutes if that".

 

I'm sure you feel guilty assuming the worst of your wife but honestly I say trust your gut. If the PI doesn't find anything, he doesn't find anything. No harm, no foul. If he does though.....

 

Yes you could talk to her but if it something she is hiding she will lie, deny.... Perhaps even gaslight your thoughts/feelings.

 

Again, if PI finds nothing.... case close.

 

She never gave a solid reason as to why she was fired during the whole rant. When I asked her why she thought she was fired it was always “I don’t know she crazy” or something like.

 

The original plan was for me to do all snooping and spying myself. I told my brother I couldn’t do that and that’s when he brought up the idea of the PI. When I look at things objectively things don’t look that good. She has a history of cheating. I believe never cheated on me but she has in the past. When I meet her I was the other guy. I never held any of that against her since I’m no saint either. When put everything together **** doesn’t look right

[Brendan82]

She is doing something. Now, whether it's an affair or drugs who knows.

 

Hiring a PI - Let's say she is having an affair? How will you approach her with this? Would you give her a chance to prove to her she can be trustworthy again or would you divorce her?

 

Maybe before you go ahead with the PI it would be best to say to her that you feel she hasn't been herself for a while and ask her if there's something she needs to tell you, that no matter what it is, you'll listen and try to understand.

 

Or you could just hire the PI and find out, then confront her.

 

I can’t say how I would react if it turns out she’s having an affair. My wife is everything to me I would do almost anything for her or my daughter. I thought about last night and I can’t imagine a life without her but I don’t know if I could forgive something like this.

 

I already hired the IP. I could’ve talked to her it’s what I should’ve done before going with the PI. It’s too late for that now all I can do now is wait. At the time I wasn’t thinking straight I should have done things differently but what’s done is done.

[Furious]

I hired a PI, but with the hope that my gut was wrong. The PI I hired, a very experienced PI, told me 99% of the time the gut feeling is always right.

 

Do not feel bad to seek the truth. The truth is what matters, and from there you can deal with it, as opposed to living with uncertainty. Cheaters will only admit to what you have proof of.

[oldshirt]

 

I already hired the IP. I could’ve talked to her it’s what I should’ve done before going with the PI. It’s too late for that now all I can do now is wait. At the time I wasn’t thinking straight I should have done things differently but what’s done is done.

 

 

You are doing the right thing. You have enough red flags here to warrant a legitimate investigation.

 

If you ask her about it before gathering information, she can just lie and pull the wool over your eyes and then go deeper underground.

 

Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.