How do I handle this

[dichotomy]

If she was cheating and was fired - she has tons of time on her hands and I think would be spending even more time with OM, or what ever she is doing. Would not take PI long to find out where and who.

 

Also if you have a home computer - you should have put spyware on it - as again she is not working and would be on it frequently. I suspect spyware would reveal things a PI could not tell you.

 

I hope you consider how to handle what happens next.

[BetrayedH]

I hired a PI and he didn't find squat, and that was after I KNEW there was an affair happening. In fact, in the few days where I managed to keep my mouth shut, my wife told me that she'd be home for dinner tomorrow but then had to go back to the office afterwards; I was sure she was meeting her AP and I had the PI trail her (at a cost of $250) and he followed her to work and then home. Got nada.

 

I was far more successful doing my own investigating. Initially I just found some sketchy stuff on her computer. But it was enough that I decided to buy a GPS for her car. On the first data download, I discovered that she'd been at a hotel from 10pm to midnight a few nights prior. That was the real Dday for me. I'd hoped the PI would get some video or at least identify the OM. No such luck.

 

I got creative, managed to get a duplicate receipt from the hotel front desk (booked under my wife's name and paid with $100 cash), and noticed that she'd earned StarPoints for her stay. I then guessed at her username and password for the hotel website and found 17 hotel stays going back 6 months. Over the months that followed, I found a bunch of other hotel reservations (35 altogether over that six months of history) and she eventually admitted to the affair having been 13 months. That means there were somewhere around 70 of them. Can you imagine?

 

But I disgress. The point is that a PI was expensive and ineffective for me. I'd recommend more things like searching the PC, the phone, searching for a second phone, installing a keylogger on the PC (and I hear they make them for phones these days), GPSing her car and phone, looking at phone bills and bank/financial history, using VARs in strategic places, and so forth.

 

Can you tell us what you've done in these areas?

 

It is, of course, also possible that she's not having an affair. Like dichtomy mentioned, I'd think she'd be reaching out to her AP more at a time like this and she'd be easier to catch. But honestly, by the time you get to a place like this, your gut is screaming enough that you should trust it. The best case scenario at this point is that you investigate fully, find nothing, and avoid the rest of the trauma of Dday.

Edited March 3, 2015 by BetrayedH

[irishguy]

Have you asked her why she was late so many times to work , see what excuse she comes up with .

[road]

Have you hidden a VAR in WW car and in the house?

 

 

Real time GPS hidden in WW's car?

 

 

Activate find my phone on WW's cell?

 

 

These things work better and faster with a WW in many situations then a PI.

[aliveagain]

You may be wise to not have unprotected sex with her until you confirm she is not having an affair. Way too many red flags. Try telling her you've made a doctors appointment because something feels off in your private area and until you can be tested it's best you use protection. See what her reaction is. See if she starts blowing up the phone to that same number. It would be wise to install a voice activated recorder near where she does most of her calling, Velcro to bed post of your bed or under the seat of her car.

[Brendan82]

My PI has already done most of what has been advised. We set up little mini video cameras around the house. We also placed a GPS tracker on her car and voice recorder under her seat. I have done almost all I can do. Trying to put any kind of spyware on her computer isn’t really possible mostly because she doesn’t let any one touch it and she doesn’t use the house computer.

 

She hasn’t really done anything. For the most part she hasn’t left home since I hired the PI. She’s only left the house once by herself and that was to the local supermarket. She isn’t on her phone as much either. She has been her normal usual self.

[lolablue17]

About her laptop. If she uses WIFI you can definitely see her laptop actions. you need a network expert to do it.

 

You must be patient. these things can take a while. She may had something and it ended. If you don't see anything in a month or so, then it will be the time to ask her about her late for work.

[HereNorThere]

If she doesn't have a job, does she even have a reason to leave the house for unexplained periods of time now? Wouldn't she be more easily tracked now that she really has no reason to leave for any interval shorter than a trip to the grocery store? How does she explain leaving the house now if she had to do it during work out previously?

 

Do you think they were doing it your bed or his house?

 

And yeah, either way, you're getting lied to. Add that with the fact that she's a known serial cheater, the odds aren't with you. Honestly, the odds were never with you though. The statistics show that cheating actually gets easier after the first time.

 

Cheater's gonna cheat.

[BetrayedH]

I think it's down to figuring out more about this other guy and why they were (or are?) communicating so much - you said text and data usage was thru the roof.

 

I'm not sure if you've discussed how much access you have to her phone. You said her laptop is locked down. I would want to know her internet history on both. For all you know, her man is on vacation so they're just texting or emailing.

[drifter777]

My PI has already done most of what has been advised. We set up little mini video cameras around the house. We also placed a GPS tracker on her car and voice recorder under her seat. I have done almost all I can do. Trying to put any kind of spyware on her computer isn’t really possible mostly because she doesn’t let any one touch it and she doesn’t use the house computer.

 

She hasn’t really done anything. For the most part she hasn’t left home since I hired the PI. She’s only left the house once by herself and that was to the local supermarket. She isn’t on her phone as much either. She has been her normal usual self.

So the PI has her staked out when you aren't home?

 

I'd listen to BetrayedH - he's been where you are and did a great job uncovering the ugly truth about his WW.

[jm2013]

Maybe she's monitoring you more than you've monitored her. Is YOUR stuff secure? Maybe you drew too much suspicion that got her nervous and she scoured your devices and whatever else for indicators you caught on to something.

[Brendan82]

If she doesn't have a job, does she even have a reason to leave the house for unexplained periods of time now? Wouldn't she be more easily tracked now that she really has no reason to leave for any interval shorter than a trip to the grocery store? How does she explain leaving the house now if she had to do it during work out previously?

 

Do you think they were doing it your bed or his house?

 

And yeah, either way, you're getting lied to. Add that with the fact that she's a known serial cheater, the odds aren't with you. Honestly, the odds were never with you though. The statistics show that cheating actually gets easier after the first time.

 

Cheater's gonna cheat.

 

She doesn’t have any reason to leave the house and she hasn’t. Besides that one trip to the supermarket she hasn’t left the house by herself. Every other time she has left the house it was with our daughter. If she does leave the house now both I and my PI would know and where she was going or went. You can’t catch someone doing something if they haven’t done anything.

 

I prayer God she doesn’t do something as stupid as that. I am scared of what I would do to her if she has.

 

The sex has always been amazing can’t really complain. We probably average 5-7 a week. And its good sex too. Hands down the best girl I have ever been with. She always has been down for anything with in good reason of course.

[Brendan82]

I think it's down to figuring out more about this other guy and why they were (or are?) communicating so much - you said text and data usage was thru the roof.

 

I'm not sure if you've discussed how much access you have to her phone. You said her laptop is locked down. I would want to know her internet history on both. For all you know, her man is on vacation so they're just texting or emailing.

 

Current waiting for more info on the other guy. I should have it soon.

 

Her phone is on lockdown. It never leaves he sight. Even if I could get my hands it don't know the passcode.

[Brendan82]

Maybe she's monitoring you more than you've monitored her. Is YOUR stuff secure? Maybe you drew too much suspicion that got her nervous and she scoured your devices and whatever else for indicators you caught on to something.

 

My stuff is pretty secured. All the communication I have had with the PI has been through my work email and she has zero access to that. I can’t think of anyway she would know about the PI. I have been a little withdrawn from her. That’s probably the only thing that would make her suspicious.

[karnak]

 

The sex has always been amazing can’t really complain. We probably average 5-7 a week. And its good sex too. Hands down the best girl I have ever been with. She always has been down for anything with in good reason of course.

 

5-7 times a week?? WOW:eek:

 

Man, most guys I know, who were married as long as you do, usually said they'd be lucky if they got some action once per month.

 

To be honest I don't even know if that's a good or a bad sign.

[BetrayedH]

5-7 times a week?? WOW:eek:

 

Man, most guys I know, who were married as long as you do, usually said they'd be lucky if they got some action once per month.

 

To be honest I don't even know if that's a good or a bad sign.

 

Eh. My wife ramped up sex with me during her affair to twice a week from once every couple of months. For her, it was mental gymnastics of hers that said it wasn't fair to deprive me of sex when she was getting it elsewhere. I'm also sure she got a thrill from having her husband go where another man had gone before (that same day). Lovely stuff.

 

Some others shrug away from sex, trying to be faithful to their affair partners. You can never tell.

 

OP, there's got to be some explanation for why she was so late to work so often. It's either an affair, something else, or her boss was lying/exaggerating. I also wonder if your wife isn't just laying low because she's pretty vulnerable if she's been fired and in fear that you might find out that it was due to being away from work. She'd be hard-pressed to explain that (and it seems she's already being kinda evasive about her termination). I can imagine her telling her AP to lay low for a while 'cause she's scared of getting busted.

 

I think time will tell, if you have the patience.

[road]

Eh. My wife ramped up sex with me during her affair to twice a week from once every couple of months. For her, it was mental gymnastics of hers that said it wasn't fair to deprive me of sex when she was getting it elsewhere. I'm also sure she got a thrill from having her husband go where another man had gone before (that same day). Lovely stuff.

 

Some others shrug away from sex, trying to be faithful to their affair partners. You can never tell.

 

 

I am aware of many WW's that cut off their BH to be faithful to their OM. Whether they do it on their own because they feel they would be cheating on the man they love. Or their OM asks for the WW to bang him exclusively.

 

 

I do know that some WW give It to their BH's during their affair with the OM because it just has the WW's sex drive is ramped way up and she can not have 24/7 access to the OM so she uses her BH to pick up her extra needs.

 

 

I have never heard of a WW feeling guilty from banging the OM as a reason for her to increase the rate of having sex with her BH. This is the first I have heard that.

[BetrayedH]

I am aware of many WW's that cut off their BH to be faithful to their OM. Whether they do it on their own because they feel they would be cheating on the man they love. Or their OM asks for the WW to bang him exclusively.

 

I do know that some WW give It to their BH's during their affair with the OM because it just has the WW's sex drive is ramped way up and she can not have 24/7 access to the OM so she uses her BH to pick up her extra needs.

 

I have never heard of a WW feeling guilty from banging the OM as a reason for her to increase the rate of having sex with her BH. This is the first I have heard that.

 

For what it's worth, it's one of the few things I believed her about. Certainly, it could have been because of a ramped up sex drive during the affair. Saying that she felt "guilt" about the affair might be a misnomer, though. Knowing my wife and her knowledge of my frustrations with our low sex marriage, I would almost say that it was more logic on her part that it wasn't fair to continue to deprive me of sex when she was getting her needs met. I do think that any guilt my wife had was probably alleviated by thinking, "Well, he's getting laid at home so...no harm, no foul."

 

It was also (planned or not), a great way to throw me off of any thoughts of her having an affair. We had always otherwise had a good marriage (lots of people looked to us as an example of success) and in terms of a low sex marriage, I thought we had finally turned a corner. I was really blindsided as a result.

 

One other factor also might be that their affair was a bit different than many we read about here. They initially bonded over sharing with each other about their unsatisfactory sex lives at home. They eventually decided to get their needs met with each other but neither ever had any plans to leave their marriages for one another. They actually counseled one another about fixing their marriages. My wife said that she would somewhat routinely ask him if he'd had sex with his wife this week and if he said no, she'd scold him about it.

 

It's bizarre but I do believe that in my wife's head, she was working on her marriage during the affair. This kind of thing gives a little credence to the term, affair fog. Of course, I don't believe there's some mysterious force making them do this stuff but I do think that many waywards engage in some really far-fetched rationalizations to justify what they're doing.

[karnak]

It's bizarre but I do believe that in my wife's head, she was working on her marriage during the affair. This kind of thing gives a little credence to the term, affair fog. Of course, I don't believe there's some mysterious force making them do this stuff but I do think that many waywards engage in some really far-fetched rationalizations to justify what they're doing.

 

It's perfectly normal behaviour. Every human being has some ethic and morality codes ingrained on them (through upbringing or even subconsciously). Even though they know what they're doing is wrong they have to find some sort of mental excuse in order to carry on with their lifes.

 

Paedophiles, muderers, thieves know that they're doing things they're not allowed to. But every single one of them finds some sort of way to justify what they do.

 

That's why many cheating spouses, after the divorce, treat their exes like crap. They know they are to blame for what they did and are the main responsible for the mess they made. Yet they create an "alternate reality" where the ex was somehow responsible for the events that lead to their actions.

[Buckeye2]

It's perfectly normal behaviour. Every human being has some ethic and morality codes ingrained on them (through upbringing or even subconsciously). Even though they know what they're doing is wrong they have to find some sort of mental excuse in order to carry on with their lifes.

 

Paedophiles, muderers, thieves know that they're doing things they're not allowed to. But every single one of them finds some sort of way to justify what they do.

 

That's why many cheating spouses, after the divorce, treat their exes like crap. They know they are to blame for what they did and are the main responsible for the mess they made. Yet they create an "alternate reality" where the ex was somehow responsible for the events that lead to their actions.

 

Exactly. Everyone likes to think of themselves as a good person.

[bubbaganoosh]

Current waiting for more info on the other guy. I should have it soon.

 

Her phone is on lockdown. It never leaves he sight. Even if I could get my hands it don't know the passcode.

 

Why is her phone on lock down and why is it glued to her hip 24/7? If there's nothing to hide like most people they could leave it on the table and have no worries.

 

Why are there so many phone calls and texts to that one number? There's no reason for it.

 

Why is she later for work a couple times a week and a hour or two late?

 

Look friend.You said something that makes me believe that the power of her vagina has you right where she wants you. If that's the case then your in trouble. I know you love her and she's your everything but the door has to swing both ways and it sound like that she isn't returning what your giving.

[Midwestmissy]

My biggest regret is not getting my hands on his phone the first time my spidey senses tingled. It would have saved me a lot of hell. I was also the lucky wife of a man who thought taking me to mc once a week while he was actively carrying on with another mans wife was him putting 100% into our marriage. It's lunacy, and the combination of the above 2 things, with more crazy thrown in, almost landed me in a psych ward. And the affair lasted 6 months. Seriously thought I was losing my mind - and poor h could run to the mow and gripe about his batty wife.

 

She turned into the crazy one however, turns out she was the village bicycle (and bike pump, apparently), and left toxic slime everywhere. Insanity.

[HereNorThere]

Without getting too technical, dude, the phone passcode is a false sense of security. Oh man, I could (theoretically) own that thing by the end of the day without it ever leaving her hands.

 

Use your imagination, do some research, but you can get past it rather easily. I mean, the simplest way is just to watch (or have someone else watch) her put it in. It takes a little time and you have to be sneaky, but you can time it out just right by sending her a text and watching her open her phone to view it.

 

Of course, check with your local jurisdiction and what not make sure it's legal. Also, if it's an iPhone, you can probably just log into iMessage from another device like an iPad or Macbook. Android text messages are usually easier to get simply because your cell provider actually has a record of them. Not all of them offer it to their customers, but mine at least will give the numbers that were texted and times they were texted. I can log in to the website and view it right now if I wanted to.

[HereNorThere]

And on the phone thing, I can't tell you what a relief it is to see my girl's phone laying on the bathroom counter or sitting on the coffee table when she isn't around. I have no reason to snoop, but she knows what I am capable of. The fact that we aren't defensive about our phones is just such a nice feeling.

 

If she ever asked me to see it or for my passcode, I'd just hand it over. Other than a few crude jokes with the boys, there's nothing I'd keep from her like that. If I did have a sensitive conversation on there that I preferred to keep private, I'd just explain that and move on. She hands me her phone to read messages all of the time and never flinches. Ahh, so nice!

[Brendan82]

I had a meeting with my PI Wednesday in the morning. He still hasn’t found anything. He has had a little more the two weeks to find something and he hasn’t found anything. At this point I don’t think he will. I’ve given him to next week to find something after that I’m done with him. I believe I have given more than enough time to find something.

 

I think I might have jumped to conclusions. I should’ve had a talk with her before doing anything. I’m wondering if everything just wasn’t in my head. She isn’t acting like a women who would cheat on her husband quite the opposite, she been really great lately. She has driven into the city twice this week so we could have lunch together. I beginning to think might have been wrong about everything.