How do I handle this

[LifeWasted]

And don't go blaming yourself.

 

Your wife did this all on her own. She made the decision to cheat on you. It has nothing to do with how good or bad a husband you have been, how good or bad you are in bed, or whether you are macho or a pushover.

 

She cheated because she wanted to, had the opportunity and had a willing partner. It has nothing to do with you. Do not let her convince you otherwise.

[stillafool]

Did the PI tell you who she is cheating with? My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[Buckeye2]

I know your emotions are all over the map, but don't do or say anything until your head has cleared and you are as calm as you can possibly be.

 

Do NOT make any major decisions right now.

 

^^^This^^^

 

She will be able to tell that something is wrong with you. Make up a story about some stress at work and act as normal as you can.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Today has to be the worst day of my life. I can’t see anything being worse then what I am going through right now. I feel like my whole life has come crashing down. I saw my PI earlier today. He found that she was cheating. I can’t even believe it. After everything we have been through and everything I have done for her this is how she repays me. I don’t know what to do I can’t even think straight right now. I feel like any minute now I am going to snap.

 

Sorry to hear that. The day you find out she cheated everything changes in your life. From experience the next few days and weeks will be a blur and you will not be sleeping much. Your decision making ability will be affected at the worst possible time. You don't have to make any long term decisions but you do need to protect yourself. The first being a STD test. The second would be finding a good IC that can help you process the pain.

 

A WS can hide the affair for a time but they will eventually be found out if you have a PI. It took mine about 3 weeks but he told me if you suspect an affair you're right most of the time.

[road]

Today has to be the worst day of my life. I can’t see anything being worse then what I am going through right now. I feel like my whole life has come crashing down. I saw my PI earlier today. He found that she was cheating. I can’t even believe it. After everything we have been through and everything I have done for her this is how she repays me. I don’t know what to do I can’t even think straight right now. I feel like any minute now I am going to snap.

 

 

So what do you want to do now?

 

 

Do you want to divorce?

 

 

Do you want to kill the affair and recover the marriage?

 

 

Let me know before you confront your WW. The next steps you take are very important.

[stillafool]

^^^This^^^

 

She will be able to tell that something is wrong with you. Make up a story about some stress at work and act as normal as you can.

 

 

^^^^^^^

THIS! Whatever you do do not display your emotions to her. Act as normal as possible. She is hyper-sensitive to any change which will expose her cheating. Wait until you get your ducks in a row. I agree do not let her know about the PI so you can use him again. When you do talk to her you will be surprised at all the lies, half lies, trickle truth you are going to hear. At least with a PI you will know the truth.

[HadEverything]

I was so sure you were going to find out nothing happened.... I am so sad for you. I was really hoping your story would turn out differently.

[Brendan82]

Did the PI tell you who she is cheating with? My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

 

Yes I know who the other man is. I have all his information from his home address, house number, cell number and even his wife’s info all thanks to the PI.

 

The guy is almost twice her age and with family of his own. I can’t understand why out all the people in this world she chooses him to cheat on me with. I can’t understand what he has that I don’t.

[Brendan82]

So what do you want to do now?

 

 

Do you want to divorce?

 

 

Do you want to kill the affair and recover the marriage?

 

 

Let me know before you confront your WW. The next steps you take are very important.

 

At this point I’m not really sure. My mind is such a mess right now. My heart wants to see if maybe we can save our marriage but after knowing what she did and how she did it is unbelievable. It’s like she has zero respect for me. If you guys only knew some of the things I know. It’s crazy I never thought she would do me like this.

[DKT3]

Yes I know who the other man is. I have all his information from his home address, house number, cell number and even his wife’s info all thanks to the PI.

 

The guy is almost twice her age and with family of his own. I can’t understand why out all the people in this world she chooses him to cheat on me with. I can’t understand what he has that I don’t.

 

I know my words won't mean much, because you feel what you feel. Don't for one second think this was about what you didn't have vs what he did. This is about your wife's poor boundaries and lack of respect. Once you confront her, don't allow her to give you all the crap about what you didn't do.

 

Beyond that, as I said at the start of this thread, trust your gut. You had a gut feeling that something was off and didn't allow those here to sway you from that.

[jbrent890]

Where are you right now and where is she? Trust me dude, there is no shame in going to a friends or a hotel for the night. Does she know that you know?

[Buckeye2]

The guy is almost twice her age and with family of his own. I can’t understand why out all the people in this world she chooses him to cheat on me with. I can’t understand what he has that I don’t.

 

The most common answer to your question is that the OM was an empathetic listener and paid her complements. She could discuss her day and all her problems with him. He hung on her every word and gave her a thoughtful response.

 

 

The attention made her feel special. He was constantly available to her texting and welcomed it. A husband can’t compete with what is basically an ongoing date with a guy super motivated to get into her pants.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Brendan82]

Where are you right now and where is she? Trust me dude, there is no shame in going to a friends or a hotel for the night. Does she know that you know?

 

As of now I am still at the office. I told her I had to pull an all-nighter. I thought about spending the night at my brother’s place but I haven’t told him or anyone and I don’t want to just yet. I can still kill another hour or so before I have to leave. She doesn’t know yet and I plan to came it that way for now.

[I_Give_Up67]

So sorry to hear this turned out to be the worst case for you. Best wishes for you as begin this very painful journey. This is not your fault and please do not second guess yourself. You will get through this.

[Buckeye2]

Most men reflexively want to keep what is theirs and save their family. Therefore they offer reconciliation® before their wife even asks for it. R is a gift. She should at least have to ask for it. Ironically the best way to keep her is to be prepared to lose her. Begging isn’t attractive. So if you want to get rid of her or keep her divorce should be on the table. After that the path forks.

 

 

If you want to keep her you need to expose. That’s the best way to bring reality into her fantasy land. The best person to tell is the OM’s wife. That way you have another set of eyes on the affair and it will be harder for them to continue. If you tell your wife what you’re going to do she will warn the OM.

 

 

He will intercept your message or tell his wife: "Some crazy guy thinks I'm having an affair with his wife." The OM might even email you back posing as his wife and tell you never to contact them again. In addition to the evidence give the OMW your name and contact information and invite her questions.

 

 

If you want to divorce her then let her stay in fantasy land. Don’t expose for now. Let her think that she will have a great future with the OM so that the terms of the divorce are not important to her. Expedite the divorce (get good terms) and tell her that you just want her to be happy.

 

 

My bet is that the old fart will dump her and she will come crawling back to you.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Buckeye2

[road]

At this point I’m not really sure. My mind is such a mess right now. My heart wants to see if maybe we can save our marriage but after knowing what she did and how she did it is unbelievable. It’s like she has zero respect for me. If you guys only knew some of the things I know. It’s crazy I never thought she would do me like this.

 

 

Then take a day to figure out and then we can work a plan for you.

[lgspot]

At this point I’m not really sure. My mind is such a mess right now. My heart wants to see if maybe we can save our marriage but after knowing what she did and how she did it is unbelievable. It’s like she has zero respect for me. If you guys only knew some of the things I know. It’s crazy I never thought she would do me like this.

 

Take your time and gather your feelings.

There's been some good advice on this thread.

 

People are here for you if you need to vent or unburden yourself with what she's done. LSers have pretty much seen it all.

[beach]

I must admit I'm surprised the PI found something after not finding anything for a long while.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. But I do hope you can get a clear mind and make decisions now that are in your best interest for your future.

 

The truth hurts...but after you know it's hard to go back and pretend. Be good to yourself and rest and eat well for now.

[A.Moscote]

Be strong Brendan, and be patient. I think it is a good idea to keep it calm for now. Take a few days, or a week even, to recompose yourself, and also to prepare for even greater turmoil later. Plan your action, and reaction, properly.

 

You seemed so close to dismiss the PI and to bleach all the red flags previously. So this time don't rush, be careful not to based it all solely on your emotions and your heart. Instead compliment every decision with logic, rational, general probability, experiences and advices. READ & REFLECT on the stories here, through out the sub-forums, old and new. You will learn a lot, trust me.

 

A tip; read on how a member here, VeryBrokenMan withhold his whole information and his PI undisclosed from his WS even after confronting.

[fivejcb]

Brendan, I'm very sorry about what you are going through stay strong It's ok to bend just don't break. Now's the time to lean on family and friends keep your head up you can get through this.

[GollumsNightmare]

I am so sorry. I know it is one of the worst feelings in the world. I have been in your shoes.

 

I want to tell you:

 

You will get through this.

You will survive.

It is going to be better some day.

You will smile again. You will laugh again. It will feel weird at first, but you will.

It will probably get worse before it gets better.

Take care of YOU. Drink water.

No alcohol.

Exercise.

Read Not Just Friends.

Know the A is not your fault. It is something broken in the two of them.

See your Dr. Anxiety may be a problem. You will also need to test for Stds.

Tell someone in real life so you have a voice of reason to talk to.

See a counselor.

Get all your ducks in a row. Yes, you can reconcile, but you don't have to. Prepare yourself either way.

Know we are here for you.

 

I am so sorry.

[Brendan82]

I must admit I'm surprised the PI found something after not finding anything for a long while.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. But I do hope you can get a clear mind and make decisions now that are in your best interest for your future.

 

The truth hurts...but after you know it's hard to go back and pretend. Be good to yourself and rest and eat well for now.

 

 

 

 

 

I was surprised about what he found as well. I couldn’t believe it at first. But the more I thought about it all of it came together. Her affair partner lives and works in the city and it became harder for her to actually see him since she wasn’t going into the city everyday like she was. The weather hasn’t been great either so that could have played a part in why it took the PI more time to find something.

 

I’m trying to clear my mind but it’s so clouded right now. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat. I know I have to get myself together but I never thought this would hurt as much as it does. Words don't even begin to describe how I feel.

[Realist3]

I must admit I'm surprised the PI found something after not finding anything for a long while.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. But I do hope you can get a clear mind and make decisions now that are in your best interest for your future.

 

The truth hurts...but after you know it's hard to go back and pretend. Be good to yourself and rest and eat well for now.

 

Most people don't have the means to hire a PI for as long as he did. But if you are dealing with people that are fairly smart, it could take awhile.

[Realist3]

The first two may end up corroborating the third after the investigation is over, but if not, I would try and remember expressed behaviors that were inconsistent from her norm over the past months. Which means you might have to use another route to find out the truth. If the PI comes up with nothing, don't assume everything is just great.

 

I finally got one.

[Buckeye2]

I’m trying to clear my mind but it’s so clouded right now. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat. I know I have to get myself together but I never thought this would hurt as much as it does. Words don't even begin to describe how I feel.

 

“To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal. You see, I could conceive death, but I could not conceive betrayal.”

 

Malcolm X

 

You’re mourning the death of your innocence. Never again will you be able to blindly trust to the same degree. Don’t be hard on yourself for missing any “red flags” that may become clear in hindsight. You couldn’t conceive of your wife doing anything like this probably because you would never do anything like that yourself. That makes you a good guy, not a fool.