How do I handle this

[Brendan82]

Aren't close with your brother? Maybe you should take him with you and go talk with a lawyer. I think it will help ease your mind to get an understanding of what the divorce path looks like. How about counseling? You need some people you can trust in your corner right now. Reach out and get a little help.

 

I have already told my brother. He knows everything and already talked to him about. He's the one make think about giving her another chance.

 

It was his idea go away for a few days. We both work together and he actually does have go away for a few days because of work so I going with him.

 

I already have a pretty clear picture of what a divorce looks like and understand what I need to do if choose to go that route.

[Brendan82]

You know she cheated... And yet you say and do nothing?

 

Decide. And then take action that suits YOUR best interest.

 

Expose to her. Doing nothing isn't changing the fact that she's cheated and made the marriage a complete farce. Disrespected and discarded you too!

 

Start doing something's to protect yourself and your best interest.

 

Get your assets in order and then tell her you know exactly what she's been up to. Get busy - doing nothing isn't helping you resolve this.

 

Pick yourself up and take charge of your life.

 

 

I will confront her but when I feel like the time is right and when I am ready. Until then I will keep her in the dark.

 

I don’t plan on exposing the affair. I believe I could use the fear of exposure in a divorce if I choose to go that route. One thing my wife really cares about is her reputation and her public image. She would do anything to protect that.

 

If I decided to stay then I would rather not have to expose the affair the less people that know the better. I wouldn’t bother trying to work things out if everyone knew about the affair. That would automatically kill the marriage if

 

I already have a plan. All I have to do is set it in motion before I do that I have to make sure it’s what I really want.

 

There's no pointing rushing this. I will take my time and make sure I do this right.

[I_Give_Up67]

Brendan- Once you do have your DDay or confront her, that will give you a good indication of which direction you will need to take. Will she truly ask for forgiveness, or will she attempt to shift blame, or even try to lie her way out of it. Will she express remorse or act indifferent. These are a few of the indications to watch for.

 

If you can truly forgive her in time, and want to R, then your decision not to disclose the A to everyone is a good call. I would however disclose it to the OM's BW. In fact, you should get your WW to inform her if she is truly remorseful and wants a chance at R.

 

Best of luck through a horrible situation.

[Buckeye2]

You may not want to expose but her ex-boss knows. She was giving you a heads up. Other people in her office probably do too. You can only give a BS excuse for being late so many times before people stop believing you.

 

 

Well a few days go by and I run into her old boss. She invites me to lunch we kind of go back I was good friends with her younger brother. I bring up how unfair I thought she was being to my wife. I'm going over her duties, the extra things she does, her good attendance record -

 

and that's where she stops me "Your wife comes in at least an hour late at least one or two days every week. It used to just be ever couple of weeks, but it's been getting more frequent. Last week she worked, she was late three days, and was 2 HOURS late one of those days."

[harrybrown]

Are you sure that she has stopped the A?

[beach]

Unless she completely becomes a different person- you're still left with a woman who will cheat on you enough to lose her job over it - all the while lying to you about every area of your life.

 

 

What's the purpose in forgiving when you know this is what she's capable of? That this is how she professes to love you?

 

What kind of M are you left with if this is who she is but didn't tell you?

[Anto_80]

Thats what I was wondering as well.

 

Now that the OP`s wife knows that the OP is ``going on a trip`` she might use the opportunity to get it going with the OM.

 

 

I hope that the OP is still employing his PI.

 

OP as someone who has been in your shoes:

 

-Protect yourself, your daughter and your assets.

 

-Get the divorce going brother. I was like you, wondering if I should give my then WW a second chance. My friends and loved ones around me begged me not to do it and thank God I listened to them. I found out she had multiple affairs after the divorce, just for the fun she said. Everyday I am thankful that my friends stopped me from committing the biggest mistake of my life.

 

You are relatively young. It will be hard for your daughter, I know, it was hard for my sons as well.

 

But two years later, I am happier than ever with a kickass girlfriend who adores my sons.

 

Keep your head up!!!!!!!!!!

 

Good things will happen to you!!!!!!!!

[BetrayedH]

I will confront her but when I feel like the time is right and when I am ready. Until then I will keep her in the dark.

 

I don’t plan on exposing the affair. I believe I could use the fear of exposure in a divorce if I choose to go that route. One thing my wife really cares about is her reputation and her public image. She would do anything to protect that.

 

If I decided to stay then I would rather not have to expose the affair the less people that know the better. I wouldn’t bother trying to work things out if everyone knew about the affair. That would automatically kill the marriage if

 

I already have a plan. All I have to do is set it in motion before I do that I have to make sure it’s what I really want.

 

There's no pointing rushing this. I will take my time and make sure I do this right.

 

For what it's worth, I think it's wise to be very conscientious about exposure decisions. It's a bell that can't he unrung and one that many times is made on an emotional level rather than a logical one. The unspoken threat of exposure also did serve as a solid negotiating position for me in my divorce. Specifically, it motivated my wife to settle, rather than to go to court where everything would have been public record.

 

I do find it interesting that you talk a good game when it comes to strategy and logic BUT it's all contingent upon deciding what you want to do - which is a very emotional decision. If you're being logical, you wouldn't want a woman like this for a partner in life at all. The only logical exception would be if she were truly remorseful, which you won't know until after the confrontation.

 

That's not to say that you shouldn't take a logical and measured approach. In fact, my advice is to keep making decisions with your head, rather than with your emotions. It's just a tall order.

[Buckeye2]

For what it's worth, I think it's wise to be very conscientious about exposure decisions. It's a bell that can't he unrung and one that many times is made on an emotional level rather than a logical one. The unspoken threat of exposure also did serve as a solid negotiating position for me in my divorce. Specifically, it motivated my wife to settle, rather than to go to court where everything would have been public record.

 

This is very true. Not exposing can give you powerful leverage. The main use of exposure is to end the affair fog and bring real world consequences into their fantasy world. Without exposure the affair is likely to continue with even more care not to get caught.

 

In this case OP’s wife over reacted when she was fired from a job she didn’t care for. Her emotions were real but due to the fear that her firing would lead to her husband discovering her affair.

 

I thought that this close call would cause her to lay low for quite a while but I was wrong. I should have recognized how strong her addiction to the OM was because she had already sacrificed her job for him. She apparently met up with the OM and may have done so even sooner if it wasn’t for bad weather. She's so deep in the affair fog that her judgment is gone.

 

Without exposure it’s extremely likely his wife will see the OM the week he is out of town. Obviously this would be a very productive time to employ the PI if more evidence is needed or desired.

Edited March 29, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Brendan82]

You may not want to expose but her ex-boss knows. She was giving you a heads up. Other people in her office probably do too. You can only give a BS excuse for being late so many times before people stop believing you.

 

I don’t think she does. My wife’s affair partner wasn’t someone who worked with her and he didn’t have connection to her ex-boss. Although it's possible she did who knows. It's not really a concern anymore.

[Brendan82]

Unless she completely becomes a different person- you're still left with a woman who will cheat on you enough to lose her job over it - all the while lying to you about every area of your life.

 

 

What's the purpose in forgiving when you know this is what she's capable of? That this is how she professes to love you?

 

What kind of M are you left with if this is who she is but didn't tell you?

 

 

 

Honesty I agree with you. As of now I’m pretty much dead set on leaving. Even if I wanted to I don’t think I could forgive her. My pride wouldn’t let me forgive her. The only thing holding me back is my daughter if it wasn’t for her this would be a no brainer. And even though I hate to admit this I still love her. Part me really does want to stay and fix our marriage.

[Buckeye2]

And even though I hate to admit this I still love her. Part me really does want to stay and fix our marriage.

 

You love the woman you thought she was and you love the life you thought you had.

[happyman64]

Brendan

 

 

You said you are surprised your wife is having an affair?

 

 

You also said you were surprised who her affair partner is?

 

 

Why are you surprised?

 

 

She has lied about why she was fired. She has lied about where she is going.

 

 

She obviously lies to your face and thinks you are stupid.

 

 

 

 

Why do you think she is having an affair?

And what makes you think she would reconcile with you?

 

 

HM

[Purepony]

I'm glad you're getting away for a few days I think that's what you really need to take some time to figure things out there is no rush.

 

The cards seem to be in your favor for the most part and I know you really didn't deserve this

[JS84]

Sorry you're going through this. I'm not saying you HAVE to divorce but one piece of advice I will give is don't be one of those men who automatically insta-forgives or immediately offers to "work on the marriage" with their cheating spouse right out of the gate after confrontation. If you think she has little respect for you now, what little respect she does have will take a nosedive if you come off looking like a weak pushover after a massive betrayal like that. Men who do that tend to have false reconcilliations and the wife either continues to cheat or cheats later down the line having never gotten that sense of respect back for their BS.

[Anto_80]

Sorry you're going through this. I'm not saying you HAVE to divorce but one piece of advice I will give is don't be one of those men who automatically insta-forgives or immediately offers to "work on the marriage" with their cheating spouse right out of the gate after confrontation. If you think she has little respect for you now, what little respect she does have will take a nosedive if you come off looking like a weak pushover after a massive betrayal like that. Men who do that tend to have false reconcilliations and the wife either continues to cheat or cheats later down the line having never gotten that sense of respect back for their BS.

 

 

I agree, In the beginning I was also thinking about reconciling, but my loved ones (thankfully!!!!!) stopped me.

 

Like the OP said, the only thing stopping him from immediately divorcing his WW is his daughter.

 

But I am of the mindset that you can make your daughter happy even if you are divorced. It will be hard in the beginning but with time things will get better.

 

 

How can you ever forget that your wife was throwing away everything (including your daughter) for some other **shole.

 

You cant.

 

I might seem like someone who is completely against reconciling.

 

I must admit, in some situations I am. And in the OP`s case I truly think that a divorce is the best option. Why? Because the OP is relatively young, he still has so much ahead of him in his life and him trying to fix his life with his wife will be a living hell.

 

Again OP, Keep your head up and stay strong!!!!!!!

 

Many Bearhugs!!!!!!!!

Edited March 29, 2015 by Anto_80

[drifter777]

When a man busts his wife cheating I think divorce is nearly always the best path for him. When there are children the BH will usually hesitate for fear of hurting the kids but this is short-term thinking. The kids are better off not having to live through a reconciliation process that is, statistically, probably not going to work. Everyone is better off with a quick, clean break. Hopefully your WW learns a valuable lesson while you and your kids move forward to healing. Doing what's best for your recovery is also what's best for your kids.

[beach]

Honesty I agree with you. As of now I’m pretty much dead set on leaving. Even if I wanted to I don’t think I could forgive her. My pride wouldn’t let me forgive her. The only thing holding me back is my daughter if it wasn’t for her this would be a no brainer. And even though I hate to admit this I still love her. Part me really does want to stay and fix our marriage.

 

Don't let kids hold you back. You still have your kids no matter what. Make sure and ask the court to grant you as much time with them you can possibly manage.

 

You never cease being their Dad and as long as you make effort to be part of their lives they will be fine. No bad mouthing Mom though. They want to love you both equally. Just make sure they know they are loved and they didn't do anything to cause this mess.

 

You love the woman you thought she was and you love the life you thought you had.

 

True... But reality isn't even close to what you THOUGHT you had and who you THOUGHT she WAS. She isn't the woman you believed her to be. In fact, she is completely opposite of who she portrayed herself to be.

 

Remember her coming to you with: boo hoo boo hoo - how could my boss fire me? I don't know why I got fired!

 

She's just a liar. Especially while staying home afterwards and pretending to be the perfect wife who never goes out. Barf!

 

Honestly - you don't know who she is!

[Brendan82]

Brendan

 

 

You said you are surprised your wife is having an affair?

 

 

You also said you were surprised who her affair partner is?

 

 

Why are you surprised?

 

 

She has lied about why she was fired. She has lied about where she is going.

 

 

 

 

She obviously lies to your face and thinks you are stupid.

 

 

 

 

Why do you think she is having an affair?

And what makes you think she would reconcile with you?

 

 

HM

 

 

Why, It might sound stupid but I thought she loved me and she would never do something to hurt. I’ve had more than my fair share of chances to cheat on her but I never have. I‘ve had too much respect and love for her to ever cross that line.

 

I can’t understand what her AP has that I don’t. What he can give her that I couldn’t. I just can’t understand why she would throw away what we have for someone like him.

 

I have no idea why she went out and had an affair. Honestly I can’t understand why. I know I’m not perfect but I have always tried to be a good husband.

 

Good point, she could be planning on leaving me. My whole reason for thinking she would want to reconcile was because she loved. Now that I think about she might not.

[LifeWasted]

Why, It might sound stupid but I thought she loved me and she would never do something to hurt. I’ve had more than my fair share of chances to cheat on her but I never have. I‘ve had too much respect and love for her to ever cross that line.

 

Because you are not damaged and broken like she is. You have values. You have integrity. You have coping skills. You have self-worth. You do not need others to validate your existence on this planet. You are a good man who did not deserve this. And believe me, you are the only person who truly values her. Her OM does not, even though she has tricked herself into thinking that. Always keep that in mind.

 

I can’t understand what her AP has that I don’t. What he can give her that I couldn’t. I just can’t understand why she would throw away what we have for someone like him.

 

He has nothing over you...except that he's not you. He's a fantasy man. 50 Shades of Grey and every Harlequin Romance novel rolled into one easy, slimy burrito.

 

You? You are steady. You are not going anywhere. You help her around the house, help pay the bills, take care of her when she is sick...you are the old shoe, the old pair of comfy sweatpants.

 

With him, there is no bills, no mortgage, none of life's hassles that impede a carefree relationship. Your WW wants all the romance and adventure of a sexy fling without that pesky thing called "life" mucking things up.

 

 

I have no idea why she went out and had an affair. Honestly I can’t understand why. I know I’m not perfect but I have always tried to be a good husband.

 

Because she wanted to. Has nothing to do with you, or your life together.

 

She wanted to. It really is that simple.

 

 

Good point, she could be planning on leaving me. My whole reason for thinking she would want to reconcile was because she loved. Now that I think about she might not.

 

You will find out when you lower the boom on her. She may say "okay", or she might shut down and say nothing, or she might get mean and nasty, or she might be on her knees begging you to not divorce her. The last possibility would be the only one that would make me even consider the possibility of maybe giving thought to the remote option of giving her a chance.

[harrybrown]

why don't you discuss the A and see if she is leaving to go with the OM?

 

That would be important information to have.

[Spectre]

At this point just divorce. Even if she stopped right now the damage is already done. This woman doesn't love you one bit. Boot her to the curb.

[Lunay]

Thinking of you! Hope you're doing well.

[flowergirl14]

In the beginning when you had your suspicions she might be cheating there were just a few missing hours, tardies to work. I want to put out there to you and other bs. Cheaters say they are going to work. Kiss their spouse goodbye and leave to meet their ap for the whole day. They never go to work they call off. Then they come home at their usual time and their spouse is none the wiser. Never assume that there is no time for an affair. They make time.

[Friskyone4u]

Brendan

Not sure if you are still posting but it seems like you got confirmation of her cheating on March 24 or somewhere in there and it is now April 13 and there is no post indicating you have even told her you know. Not sure why either way you want to sit there and know she is leaving the house to have sex with another man.

If you have decided to stay the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to stop because she will be more emotionally attached to OM in most liklihood

If you are leaving , you certainly should have had opportunity to at least see an attorney by now.

Just does not seem like you are helping yourself either way not doing anything for weeks . You know for a fact what she is doing so it's not like you are still guessing . Of course you can do what you want to but I'd recommend confronting her unless your lawyer has told you to gather more evidence because you are in a state where proving infidelity can help you in a divorce .