LifeWasted Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Brendan how are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan82 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Brendan Not sure if you are still posting but it seems like you got confirmation of her cheating on March 24 or somewhere in there and it is now April 13 and there is no post indicating you have even told her you know. Not sure why either way you want to sit there and know she is leaving the house to have sex with another man. If you have decided to stay the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to stop because she will be more emotionally attached to OM in most liklihood If you are leaving , you certainly should have had opportunity to at least see an attorney by now. Just does not seem like you are helping yourself either way not doing anything for weeks . You know for a fact what she is doing so it's not like you are still guessing . Of course you can do what you want to but I'd recommend confronting her unless your lawyer has told you to gather more evidence because you are in a state where proving infidelity can help you in a divorce . I know it’s been awhile. I was just taking things slow and making sure I was doing everything I could do to protect myself. As of now the plan is to file for divorce later this week or early next week. And I have taken care of everything on the legal front already. As far as my wife goes I won’t confront her. I don’t see the point she knows what would happen if I ever found she cheating. Plus I don’t want or care to hear her reason why. I want her to be surprised and shocked when she is served with divorce papers as I was when I found out she was cheating. I know it’s not the same but I want her to feel something similar to how I felt. If everything goes as planned I should be out of the house by the end of the month. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Glad you are ok and have a plan in place . I'm sure those following will be interested in hearing the result she is served. I hope it eases your pain anlittle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I learned that lesson the hard way. If you really want out then there really is no reason to talk to her for anything unless it would have to do with children and splitting assets. I hope all goes well for you. I know this is a extremely hard time but keep your mind in a good place. You are doing the right thing. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 We both work in similar fields and I usually see her around. That day I went to lunch she was always there and she asked if she could sit with me I said why not. She really didn’t invite me out to lunch. I wasn’t so much my idea to hire investigator but more so my older brother. It’s also part of the reason why I feel I am going too far with all of this. Yeah, bringing another family member into this when you do't even have any clue what is going on was the wrong move, IMO. Now, no matter what is going on, there will be a gang-up mentality, and no matter what is actually happening, I don't see how that could be helpful. I would tell brother, "nevermind everything is ok".....unless she is doing something to actively disrupt your brothers life, all of this is between you and her. Now that your wife is unemployed, having a PI to follow her all day and night will be very costly. There is something amiss other than an affair. People who have affairs don't suddenly start being 1-2 hours later for work, habitually. To me it sounds like there is some sort of other habit going on. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I know it’s been awhile. I was just taking things slow and making sure I was doing everything I could do to protect myself. As of now the plan is to file for divorce later this week or early next week. And I have taken care of everything on the legal front already. As far as my wife goes I won’t confront her. I don’t see the point she knows what would happen if I ever found she cheating. Plus I don’t want or care to hear her reason why. I want her to be surprised and shocked when she is served with divorce papers as I was when I found out she was cheating. I know it’s not the same but I want her to feel something similar to how I felt. If everything goes as planned I should be out of the house by the end of the month. I'm glad you are pulling the plug, and I agree do not tell her about the filing for D. Let her be shocked when she gets served. As for not confronting? Problem is, you cannot get around confronting her, and personally I do not understand why you would avoid doing so. She is going to call you when she gets served. She's either going to be a blubbering panicky mess or pissed off as hell. She's going to demand you tell her why you are divorcing her. You cannot avoid it. So get your ducks in a row. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I know it’s been awhile. I was just taking things slow and making sure I was doing everything I could do to protect myself. As of now the plan is to file for divorce later this week or early next week. And I have taken care of everything on the legal front already. As far as my wife goes I won’t confront her. I don’t see the point she knows what would happen if I ever found she cheating. Plus I don’t want or care to hear her reason why. I want her to be surprised and shocked when she is served with divorce papers as I was when I found out she was cheating. I know it’s not the same but I want her to feel something similar to how I felt. If everything goes as planned I should be out of the house by the end of the month. I agree with your approach completely. Anything out of her mouth at this point would only be self serving and possibly more devastating to you. Until your D is finalized, the only communications (outside of attorneys) with her should be in regards to your daughter. Maybe her parents could serve as intermediaries if you want to avoid her altogether. Sorry you are going through this nightmare. Stay strong, you will make it through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Anto_80 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I agree with your approach completely. Anything out of her mouth at this point would only be self serving and possibly more devastating to you. Until your D is finalized, the only communications (outside of attorneys) with her should be in regards to your daughter. Maybe her parents could serve as intermediaries if you want to avoid her altogether. Sorry you are going through this nightmare. Stay strong, you will make it through this. Agreed. You should only communicate if it concerns your daughter. Filing for divorce really is the right thing to do my friend. Keep your head up!!!!!!!! Things will get better!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) It’s a good idea to just hand her the divorce papers as a surprise. She will want to know why. Do NOT divulge all your proof even though it will feel good to do so. Reveal as little as possible to make the point and hold the rest in reserve. That way when she trickle truth and minimizes you can say “That’s not true” with authority. It will drive her crazy not knowing what you know and what you don’t plus she may reveal stuff she assumes you already know. You said that your wife is very concerned with appearances and reputation. So she will be even more motivated than the average WW to deny the affair in spite of overwhelming circumstantial evidence. I read about one WW who texted “Come over and fu@k me now” and insisted nothing happened. If she doesn’t admit it she can tell friends and family that you think she had an affair (which she didn't). You’re the bad guy for breaking up your family over a misunderstanding. If she admits the affair the conversation changes. Edited April 14, 2015 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zozon Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Any update please? Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I was wondering how you are as well Brendan. Another question or two I have are this: 1. Since you did not ever confront your wife has she seen the OM since the PI brought evidence of the affair to you? 2. Will you be exposing the affair to the OM's wife so she knows what is going on as well? 3. Has your wife found a new job so she can support herself? HM Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Hi Brendan, Just wanted to check as to how you were doing. Guess your wife has already been served or is shortly going to be served the divorce papers and then everything is going to change. The peace and quiet of your life is going to be overturned and things are going to get very emotional. At this time I guess you should turn to family /good friends who will help you through a very difficult period of your life. My best wishes to you and I hope it goes well for you in every way. As a postscript I would like to add; What a waste! Your wife threw away a good marriage for no rhyme or reason. She will have ample time to reflect on her folly and the damage it has caused to her family. Chin up and stay calm. Warm wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mazerati Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Wishing you well in this troubled time Brendan!!! Maz 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan82 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Since my last post my life has kind of taken a turn of the worst. Everything went as I planned. I filed for divorce around mid April she was served a few days later. I filed under adultery so she knew why. She begged and cried doing almost everything she could to get a second chance. I wasn't having it. I moved out the being of May. For the most part I went NC unless it had something with our daughter. For most part I was doing pretty good. Well until I get a text from her telling me she had to speak to me to me at first I turned her down. Then she cam over to my place. At this point I agreed to talk to her. As we started talking she dropped a bomb on me. She told me she was pregnant and she knew it was mine. I did not believe her at first but more we started talking the more I started to believe her. At this point we haven't gotten a DNA test yet. I am a little hesitant mostly because I am scared. As of now everything is on hold. I am still living on my own. I really don't what I want anymore. I'm hoping the the kids is not mine it would make easier but it looks like it could be mine. The more time that goes by the more I start missing her and life we had. Before the pregnancy I was more the sure I wanted a divorce and it was the only way but now it's up in the air. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 See if you can get a DNA test done while in utero Also, even IF the baby is yours - you can still parent the child while not being married to a cheater. How far along is she? Are you saying that she's maybe 3 months pregnant? Or have you had sex with her in the past month? And remember - it could easily be the OM who is the father...I'm sure she knows this. Looks like her being even more manipulative than you thought. I wouldn't believe a word she says at this point. I'm sorry for your pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I agree with Beach on all points. You do not need to be married to raise this child. And this also shows how manipulative she is. This pregnancy is the best thing that happened to her since you filed for D. Now she thinks she has you trapped. Don't give her that power. To be honest, nothing disturbs me more when women pull this card. At its core its a very sick and selfish move. It takes a certain type of cold hearted individual to bring a child into this level of dysfunction. The biggest loser in all of this will be that kid. Your wife really does sound like a horrible individual. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You NEED to do a DNA test before the child is born so you don't end up being listed as the father on the birth certificate for a child that isn't yours. And if you want to reconcile, I'd have the same requirement as for any other reconciliation: true remorse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morbius Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You NEED to do a DNA test before the child is born so you don't end up being listed as the father on the birth certificate for a child that isn't yours. And if you want to reconcile, I'd have the same requirement as for any other reconciliation: true remorse. Brendan, get the DNA test done ahead of time, listen to BetrayedH, and beach. Not to get personal, but think about the last time you had relations, and how far along she is. Also, she can manipulate her purported due date, to gas light you into believing you are the father. It has happened that a woman delivered a full term baby at seven months. She needs your stability, which she does not deserve. Get the DNA test done, and if the DNA test proves you are, it is absolutely not necessary to be married to be a father. Brendan, verify, verify, verify!!!! Do not take her word for it. The sooner you know, the sooner you can plan your strategy. Read what I bolded, italicized, and underlined from BetrayedH's words if you choose to reconcile. Don't let her pregnancy lead you to make a wrong life decision. She betrayed you Brendan, make sure you seek counseling, and have all the facts before even thinking about whether to reconcile or divorce. She didn't think about you when she had her fling, so you make the decision that is best for you, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Brendan I agree with the others. You do not hasve to reconcile with her just because she is pregnant. That changes nothing about what she did and your reaction to it. What it does do attempt to manipulate you into taking her back. You can do that if you want to but do it for the right reasons, and pregnant is not one of them. Now you are going to get the continuous tears and asking for forgiveness, but if you have been NC basically since April, ask yourself a couple of questions (1) pregnant or not, is OM still in her life and bed. You may not know answer to that one and I certainly would not believe anything she tells you without something verifiable (2) what other men are now in her life and bed, or has she become a nun (3) how can you take her back wonering about her relationships with other men now given what she is cvapable of So if you R with her, you have her cheating, her pregnancy, and healing all to deal with. Find out whose child it is, and make a decision based on what is best for YOU, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Just Google "Pre-birth Paternity Testing" to find a place in your area. "Pregnant mothers unsure of the paternity of an unborn baby have a safe option for determining a father. Instead of undergoing an amniocentesis or Chorionic Villus Sampling (CVS) test, both of which are linked to miscarriage, pregnant women can opt for non-invasive paternity testing. This process is possible because fetal DNA is present in a blood sample from the pregnant mother. With pre-birth paternity testing our trained lab technicians collect a sample of the mother’s blood to compare with the alleged father’s DNA, obtained from a buccal (cheek) swab. Pre-birth paternity testing can be performed as early as eight weeks into the pregnancy and boasts an accuracy over 99%." My bet is that she's making this up. This happened many years ago to a friend of mine. He broke up with a girl friend that wanted to get married. She said that she was pregnant so they had a quick shotgun wedding. She got pregnant on the honeymoon. NO SEX!!!! Get the divorce no matter what you find out. She's still the same women. EDIT: When was the last time you two had sex? Edited June 17, 2015 by Buckeye2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan82 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I plan on getting a DNA test. I kind of been putting it on hold but I’m going to have to get on it. She’s almost two months pregnant. The reason she believes its mine is because she has only had sex with her AP a few times and they haven’t had sex in the last 5 months. I don’t believe her for a second but I can’t prove that she hasn’t. She has admitted to seeing him and doing other things with him but not sex. In her defense all the blame can’t be placed all on her. She was on the pill I don't think she would do anything to mess with that. It's just one of those freak things that happen. I did have sex with her few days before I moved out but she believes she was already pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) The more time that goes by the more I start missing her and life we had. The life you had was an illusion. Your wife turned out not to be the woman you thought she was. She lost her job because she couldn't keep her hands off the OM. Your problem is that she still looks and sounds the same. I plan on getting a DNA test. I kind of been putting it on hold but I’m going to have to get on it. All this stress and speculation is a waste of time. Get the test and then figure out what to do. Did you expose the OM? Edited June 17, 2015 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I plan on getting a DNA test. I kind of been putting it on hold but I’m going to have to get on it. She’s almost two months pregnant. The reason she believes its mine is because she has only had sex with her AP a few times and they haven’t had sex in the last 5 months. I don’t believe her for a second but I can’t prove that she hasn’t. She has admitted to seeing him and doing other things with him but not sex. In her defense all the blame can’t be placed all on her. She was on the pill I don't think she would do anything to mess with that. It's just one of those freak things that happen. I did have sex with her few days before I moved out but she believes she was already pregnant. Her behavior makes it hard to believe anything she says. It's really not your responsibility to worry about any of this UNTIL she has solid proof the child is yours. Even then - you can parent the child without staying with her. If it were me, I'd proceed forward as expected...as if she's not pregnant...and deal with the pregnancy as evidence is revealed. With or without a future baby - I'd still want to be free of the one who proved to be capable of cheating on me and lying about lots of things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I agree with Beech. Your better off moving on regardless. Why waste another second with someone that clearly didn't care enough for you to talk to you before ruining the relationship. You can say you take some responsibility for her being unhappy but never for her cheating. She made that choice all on her own and she like all other cheaters weighed the cost when sleeping with someone else. If it is your child you can be a great father without being with her. There are plenty of better women out that. Its not about punishing her for her actions. Its about you moving on and making a better life for you. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Move on anyway. DNA test the baby. No doubt it's APs though. Link to post Share on other sites
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