How do I handle this

[dental]

=In her defense all the blame can’t be placed all on her. She was on the pill I don't think she would do anything to mess with that. It's just one of those freak things that happen.

 

No, those freak things just don't happen in a situation like you are currently in. You, my friend, are being set up.

[harrybrown]

Has she admitted that she has stopped all contact with the OM?

 

Will she prove that to you? With all the cheating and lying, now tell her she has to prove everything to you.

 

Has she given you the timeline and diary of her A? How many others were there?

 

Has she told you why? If she does not do all this and more, keep on your path to D.

 

Sorry you are going thru this mess that she created.

 

Tell her she is too late.

[understand50]

No, those freak things just don't happen in a situation like you are currently in. You, my friend, are being set up.

 

Brendan82,

 

What you need is information, get the DNA test done. It can be done now, and as your wife is older, there is going to a Amniocentesis to check the health of the baby. Have a DNA test done as well. I would not have a Amniocentesis, if the DNA test was the only thing being done, as it can place the child and mother at some slight risk.

 

In the mean time, I would stay in a "modified no contact" with your WW, but I would let your SBEX, know that she should cut all contact with the AP, and should write out a time and letter to you on what happened during the Affair.

 

How did they meet?

 

How did the original relationship lead to sex and why?

 

How many time were they together?

 

Any other question you need to know.

 

You are having second doubts about divorce, if you are thinking of reconciliation, to any degree, you should know what you are going to have to forgive. May as well get this going, as what you find out may be what finely decides it for you.

 

I would like to point out to everyone here that the unborn child is the true innocent here. Brendan82, make sure it is yours, then make the best decision for yourself and your children. If you decide to reconcile, make sure you know what you forgiving, get all the facts. Go to IC and MC. Make sure your WW has full and total remorse.

 

If you decide to divorce, and the child is not yours, keep in mind that it is your daughter's half bother, and you may have to have some type of relationship with it. It is blameless in all this. If it is yours, I am sure you will be a good father, even if you are "part" time one.

 

BTW, I have two kids that were born while wife was on birth control, it is not unheard of.

 

My last thought, reconciliation is possible, but it is harder and requires more work then divorce. It is not for the feint of hart. Both sides must work to make this happen, so before you embark on this path, make sure you are willing to forgive, as you will not forget what she did. In the end, it is up to you, to give the second chance. I wish you luck, what ever your decision is.

 

If the child turns out to be yours, congratulations, being a father is something special, not all men can be a good one. You sound like you are one already for your daughter. It is to your credit, you are struggling with this situation.

 

 

 

 

117811801182

Edited June 17, 2015 by understand50

[Buckeye2]

That's where she (her ex-boss) stops me "Your wife comes in at least an hour late at least one or two days every week. It used to just be ever couple of weeks, but it's been getting more frequent. Last week she worked, she was late three days, and was 2 HOURS late one of those days."

 

So she’s so worked up that she can’t tear herself away from the OM to go to work and she gets fired. It’s so hot that it’s worth her boss being mad every day that she comes in late and the risk of you finding out.

 

The reason she believes its mine is because she has only had sex with her AP a few times and they haven’t had sex in the last 5 months. She has admitted to seeing him and doing other things with him but not sex.

 

So they have already had unprotected sex but it’s OK because she’s on the pill. For some unknown reason 5 months ago, while she’s still on birth control, they decided to limit themselves to just “doing other things.”

 

She’s so worked up that she’s 2 hours late for work “doing other things” but they can control themselves and not stick it in? Why in the world would they be motivated to limit themselves like that?

 

The only reason for the above fiction is so she can say that the baby has to be yours. If she is pregnant there is a much greater chance that it's the OMs.

 

My bet is that there was very limited exposure of the affair, the OM doesn’t want her and she will do and say anything to get back her pre-affair life. Her plan has already worked to some degree because you saw her and are having second thoughts. If she’s this cruel and manipulative you really really need to divorce her.

 

Remember no sex, not even with a condom. I wouldn't put it past her to go in the trash, get it and then use a turkey baster.

Edited June 17, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Brendan82]

As far as the OM goes my wife claims it’s all over. I don’t know if that’s true or nor since I’m not watching her every move. If I do find out that there is still any kind of contact with her AP then all bets are off and I won’t hesitate to move on with the divorce. I haven't exposed the affair yet. My original plan was to do it after the divorce was finalized. My wife's pregnancy kind of through everything off. I have all information I need to expose the affair. I could expose the affair any time I want. I kind of want to meet the OM to get his side of the story. I doubt he would want to see me.

 

As for the DNA test I will start moving on that as well. I’m going to talk to my wife over the weekend and demand one. I won’t make any moves until I have the result and I know if the child she's carrying is mine.

 

And I don’t think she has done this on purpose. I know many of you believe I am getting played but I don’t think so. She has been on birth control and the last time we did have sex I did use a condom. I really believe it's something that just happened.

[Clay]

You have to make your own choices. I think for me there would be no way I would stop the divorce or give her anymore of my time aside of scans and medical needs for the baby. The one thing that sticks clearly in my mind is you don't know whose child it really is. Honestly you only think there is just one OM but the fact you cant trust anything she says puts that all in doubt.

 

I think if she sucks you back in you better get it in your head there is a chance your going to be raising another mans child. If he is the father he will have a life long tie with her and the child.

 

Just the fact she even put you in this kind of a position would make me all the more not want anything ever to do with her again.

 

Sorry

 

Clay

[aliveagain]

She is on the pill and you wore a rubber yet she is still pregnant. I think she was on to you before you served her. Seriously, what are the chances two contraceptive deterrents both fail on the same occasion? Who's initiated sex, you or she? I think your being set up.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Before the PI, did you just ask her why they fired her?

[Buckeye2]

As for the DNA test I will start moving on that as well. I’m going to talk to my wife over the weekend and demand one. I won’t make any moves until I have the result and I know if the child she's carrying is mine.

 

Stick to this no matter what.

 

She is on the pill and you wore a rubber yet she is still pregnant.

 

Did the condom break? If not they're very reliable. She may not even be pregnant.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Silveron]

As far as the OM goes my wife claims it’s all over. I don’t know if that’s true or nor since I’m not watching her every move. If I do find out that there is still any kind of contact with her AP then all bets are off and I won’t hesitate to move on with the divorce. I haven't exposed the affair yet. My original plan was to do it after the divorce was finalized. My wife's pregnancy kind of through everything off. I have all information I need to expose the affair. I could expose the affair any time I want. I kind of want to meet the OM to get his side of the story. I doubt he would want to see me.

 

As for the DNA test I will start moving on that as well. I’m going to talk to my wife over the weekend and demand one. I won’t make any moves until I have the result and I know if the child she's carrying is mine.

 

And I don’t think she has done this on purpose. I know many of you believe I am getting played but I don’t think so. She has been on birth control and the last time we did have sex I did use a condom. I really believe it's something that just happened.

 

 

You sound scared and co-dependent on your wife. You are tolerating her behavior. You have done no action but talk. You want to see what the OM has to say? Are you kidding me? It doesn't matter what he says to you, it's what he's DONE to you.

 

 

You are tolerating your wife's behavior so she will continue to do it. IMO this is what you need to do:

 

 

Expose the cheating to your friends, family and to the OM's wife/gf

Get a DNA test ASAP

Get a lawyer

Discuss with your wife that you have not made a decision on what you are going to do and that a decision can be made at a moment's notice

Highly suggest that your wife goes to counseling

It's understood that NC is to be maintained with the OM

All account passwords and phones can be looked at by you at any time.

 

 

Anything short of this, she will continue to give you the song and dance while spreading her legs for this OM. The disrespect and lack of love she has for you is going to continue. This disrespect probably started way before she physically cheated on you as well.

 

 

You need to get some confidence in yourself and make decisions otherwise she is going to make them for you.

[Try]

I haven't exposed the affair yet. My original plan was to do it after the divorce was finalized. My wife's pregnancy kind of through everything off. I have all information I need to expose the affair.

You need to expose the affair to the other man's wife. She has just as much right to know as you did. From the other man's wife's point of view, you know telling her makes you part of the affair cover-up.

 

And I don’t think she has done this on purpose. I know many of you believe I am getting played but I don’t think so. She has been on birth control and the last time we did have sex I did use a condom. I really believe it's something that just happened.

With birth control and you using a condom, the child is not yours unless she did something to make it happen. One maybe, but not both. Women have been know to do such things as to not take their pills and to retrieve condoms when they want to get pregnant, so it may be yours. If it is yours, then she is playing you.

[Anto_80]

You need to expose the affair to the other man's wife. She has just as much right to know as you did. From the other man's wife's point of view, you know telling her makes you part of the affair cover-up.

 

With birth control and you using a condom, the child is not yours unless she did something to make it happen. One maybe, but not both. Women have been know to do such things as to not take their pills and to retrieve condoms when they want to get pregnant, so it may be yours. If it is yours, then she is playing you.

 

 

Agreed. She must be playing you.

 

No matter what happens, a divorce is the best option.

 

Stay Strong OP!!!!!!!!!!!

[RightThere]

With birth control and you using a condom, the child is not yours unless she did something to make it happen. One maybe, but not both.

 

The odds are very (very) low, but it's not impossible. That's just a fact.

 

But agreed the timing of the pregnancy coupled with the use of two simultaneous birth control methods is highly suspect.

[Brendan82]

Stick to this no matter what.

 

 

 

Did the condom break? If not they're very reliable. She may not even be pregnant.

 

The condom did break bit since she was on the pill I didn't think to much of it.

[Brendan82]

Stick to this no matter what.

 

 

 

Did the condom break? If not they're very reliable. She may not even be pregnant.

 

Before the PI, did you just ask her why they fired her?

 

Not out right she mostly told me why she was fired. It turned out to be a lie

[Brendan82]

You sound scared and co-dependent on your wife. You are tolerating her behavior. You have done no action but talk. You want to see what the OM has to say? Are you kidding me? It doesn't matter what he says to you, it's what he's DONE to you.

 

 

You are tolerating your wife's behavior so she will continue to do it. IMO this is what you need to do:

 

 

Expose the cheating to your friends, family and to the OM's wife/gf

Get a DNA test ASAP

Get a lawyer

Discuss with your wife that you have not made a decision on what you are going to do and that a decision can be made at a moment's notice

Highly suggest that your wife goes to counseling

It's understood that NC is to be maintained with the OM

All account passwords and phones can be looked at by you at any time.

 

 

Anything short of this, she will continue to give you the song and dance while spreading her legs for this OM. The disrespect and lack of love she has for you is going to continue. This disrespect probably started way before she physically cheated on you as well.

 

 

You need to get some confidence in yourself and make decisions otherwise she is going to make them for you.

 

 

 

Most of this has been done. The main reason why I haven’t exposed the affair is because if I do expose the affair then I will not even try to R with my wife. I wouldn’t be able to stay with her if everybody knew. Until I know if this child is mine or not I won’t expose the affair. I will be telling his wife although I will be when I feel it’s right.

 

I will be getting a DNA test I am going to talk to her about tomorrow.

 

My wife knows she’s on my timetable.

 

If my wife wants to go to counseling she can go but I won’t make her. If she doesn’t want to go to counseling I can’t force her. Honest I don’t even believe in it. She says it’s over with the OM but I she could be lying. As of now we are separated and I don’t have the time or energy to check on her every move nor do I want to.

 

No one is going to make any decisions for me. I am going to do what’s best for me and my daughter. There’s no point in rushing things. I’m going to take my time and do what I think is right.

[beach]

Since she lied so much about her job - meeting the OM behind your back - why she got fired and a variety of other things... My logical conclusion based on her pattern is that she's also lying about this.

 

You don't owe her anything. IF she's pregnant with YOUR child - you owe your time and attention to the child... Not to your WS.

 

Nothing needs to stop you from divorcing her anyway. She's unreliable and a bold faced liar. Staying now would be like a death sentence for you.

 

My suggestion is to expose and continue forward with divorcing her. You need to remove yourself from her toxic ability.

 

You can parent better without being distracted by her drama and chaos.

 

She's not a good role model. I'd try and get full custody if both kids are yours.

 

Have you had your older child DNA tested? I think that's wise as well. It's possible your W has been cheating a lot longer than you know.

 

Expose so she is the one who has to deal with what she created.

 

Keep your distance - any contact is likely going to result in her attempts for more manipulation.

[No Limit]

As far as the OM goes my wife claims it’s all over.

 

Of course she does. If she said "No you idiot, now get off the phone, shmoopie OM is coming in ten minutes and I need to lit the candles!" you wouldn't wait around for her. Her goal is to keep you, end.

 

She has been on birth control and the last time we did have sex I did use a condom. I really believe it's something that just happened.

 

Did you bring the condoms? If yes, did you let them out of your sight at any moment? If the answer is once again yes you've been played. If no is the answer to the last question, I'm still betting it to be OM's - people in affairs don't use protection.

 

edit; just read that the condom broke... dude, that was a fatal mistake of yours. Next time think of the child, now there's a baby that might be brought to jeopardy by your crazy wife.

[Try]

As far as the OM goes my wife claims it’s all over.

How is your wife now telling you that there is currently nothing going between her and the OM, any more believable then her telling you before you confirmed the affair that there was nothing going between her and the OM?

[understand50]

Brendan82,

 

No one is going to make any decisions for me. I am going to do what’s best for me and my daughter. There’s no point in rushing things. I’m going to take my time and do what I think is right.

 

This is exactly the right idea. It is your life. When you make your decision, be it reconciliation, or divorce, you can get advise, but it is up to you what is good for yourself and your kids.

 

Myself, I would try for reconciliation, if the baby is mine. This will be harder road then divorce, so go into it with eyes wide open. I also think it takes a stronger man to do this, then to just walk away. Do what is best for you and your children at the time you do it.

 

I hope you have the best of luck and you get the end result you want.

[jbrent890]

Brendan82,

 

No one is going to make any decisions for me. I am going to do what’s best for me and my daughter. There’s no point in rushing things. I’m going to take my time and do what I think is right.

 

This is exactly the right idea. It is your life. When you make your decision, be it reconciliation, or divorce, you can get advise, but it is up to you what is good for yourself and your kids.

 

Myself, I would try for reconciliation, if the baby is mine. This will be harder road then divorce, so go into it with eyes wide open. I also think it takes a stronger man to do this, then to just walk away. Do what is best for you and your children at the time you do it.

 

I hope you have the best of luck and you get the end result you want.

 

Personally I don't see divorce or staying stronger than the other. Each one has both its pros and cons.

[happyman64]

Brendan

 

 

Take all the time you need.

 

 

Does your wife want to R?

 

 

 

 

And I am a little different than other people. I too would want to talk to the OM.

 

 

But I would do it with his W present. Expose the affair now. Don't wait and let too much time pass. Put him in the hot seat.

 

 

Did your W ever say why she chose the OM? Why she chose to have an affair?

 

 

And you don't need MC. but your wife needs IC. because her decision to lie and cheat is all on her and about her. Not about your marriage or you.

 

 

One more thing. Do not be embarrassed to tell family about her affair. You have no reason to be embarrassed.

 

 

Your wife does.

 

 

Don't be embarrassed that you still love your wife even though she is a cheater.

 

 

If you decide to R you can certainly state clearly your boundaries. You can certainly request that she get IC to help her understand why she decided it was ok to lie to you and cheat on you.

 

 

These are called consequences for her bad decisions.

 

 

Why do your families think you moved out? They must know.

 

 

Take as much time as you need.

 

 

HM

 

 

"Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become."

 

 

by Esther Perel

[Brendan82]

Brendan

 

 

Take all the time you need.

 

 

Does your wife want to R?

 

 

 

 

And I am a little different than other people. I too would want to talk to the OM.

 

 

But I would do it with his W present. Expose the affair now. Don't wait and let too much time pass. Put him in the hot seat.

 

 

Did your W ever say why she chose the OM? Why she chose to have an affair?

 

 

And you don't need MC. but your wife needs IC. because her decision to lie and cheat is all on her and about her. Not about your marriage or you.

 

 

One more thing. Do not be embarrassed to tell family about her affair. You have no reason to be embarrassed.

 

 

Your wife does.

 

 

Don't be embarrassed that you still love your wife even though she is a cheater.

 

 

If you decide to R you can certainly state clearly your boundaries. You can certainly request that she get IC to help her understand why she decided it was ok to lie to you and cheat on you.

 

 

These are called consequences for her bad decisions.

 

 

Why do your families think you moved out? They must know.

 

 

Take as much time as you need.

 

 

HM

 

 

"Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become."

 

 

by Esther Perel

 

My wife has made clear she wants to try to R.

 

The only reason why I want to talk to the OM is to find out what my wife has told me is true but he could also lie so I guess its point less.

 

I haven't asked my wife any questions about why she chose the OM and why she had to have an affair. She has tried talking about but I have no interest in hearing what she has to say.

 

I won’t expose the affair until I know if the child is mine or not. I wouldn't be able to face all the men in my family or friends if they knew what she did. Most of them would probably look at me very differently. Staying with a cheating wife is something you just don’t do.

 

I don’t even know if I still love her, if it wasn't for our daughter and the possibility of another child I would be long gone.

 

Nobody besides my brother know the really reason why I moved out. They just know that me and my wife are having a few problems. As for her family I have no idea what she told them and I don’t really care.

[Brendan82]

I talked my wife about getting a DNA test she has agreed to it. She just asked that I help her cover the the cost. She is going to talk to her OBGYN about it tomorrow. She still adamant that the baby is mine.

[Buckeye2]

She says it’s over with the OM but I she could be lying. As of now we are separated and I don’t have the time or energy to check on her every move nor do I want to.

 

They have been screwing during your separation and figuring out if they have a future or not.

 

My wife has made clear she wants to try to R.

 

The OM is married and doesn't want her except to screw.

 

I talked my wife about getting a DNA test she has agreed to it.

 

If you two had sex at all she would want to roll the dice on a DNA test because she has nothing to lose. Rest assured that she had sex with the OM during that time frame no matter what she says.

 

Adults on birth control who have already had intercourse don’t have regular illicit make out sessions where intercourse is suddenly never gotten around to.

 

I won’t expose the affair until I know if the child is mine or not. I wouldn't be able to face all the men in my family or friends if they knew what she did. Most of them would probably look at me very differently. Staying with a cheating wife is something you just don’t do.

 

If you take her back and act as if nothing happened then you will have a secret to keep too. What are you going to do if she has another affair in a decade? If you bring up divorce at that point then she can tell everyone: “Yes I just had an affair and I had one 10 years ago and he forgave me.”

 

If it’s important to you that friends and family don’t know that you stayed with her after an affair then she will have you by the balls for the rest of your life.

Edited June 22, 2015 by Buckeye2