relationship with boss

[MissyJ]

im in a FWB situation with my boss. It has been going on for 4 years. We used to live in different countries & he was engaged when I first met him (I didn't find out straight away) he hired me in the role & whenever he came on business I would stay with him. We both made it clear what this was & we're both happy with it.

 

He was promoted at work & I got a new boss. We hardly spoke for a year then he rung me telling me about a new position vacant in his country & would I be interested in moving. He was now married. I went for the job & after a gruelling process I got it & moved countries. Little did I know he would end up becoming my bosses bosses boss.

 

We picked up where we left off but only occasionally. As he was married he did say "you do know what this is" I said yes. A few months later he invited me out with him & his friends for drinks, I noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding ring but said nothing. He came home with me that night and said he had separated from his wife. Turns out she was also cheating on him.

 

The dynamics started to change with him being single. The sex got more intimate - more than just f*****. Eye contact, more attentive, cuddling etc..he was always the Initiator and asked me when I would Initiate with him. We last caught up before Xmas where he came over, we did the deed then he took me out for dinner & ice cream..walked me home and had a pash moment.

 

This affair has to remain secret because we work together. I was starting to have feelings for him. I went away for a month & heard nothing from him. Being at work was starting to feel weird & I was getting nervous around him. It was then me doing all the iniating for our secret nights. I went to meet him at a bar with his friends and when we were walking home, he asked "so why don't you have a boyfriend" he would then grab me and kiss me on the walk home in public. We cuddled and fell asleep in each other's arms & I stayed the night.

 

My feelings were getting stronger & I started getting confused. We don't talk about "us" work conversations started to cross lines but we kept it professional at work. He stares at me in meetings & compliments the way I look/dress. Sometimes on occasion I'd leave the office & get a txt saying "you looked Devine just now" few more nights where he asked me to stay over but I declined having early start at work the next day. We have a lot of social functions at work and he will always try sit or stand next to me.

 

One night I got drunk & whilst being at his place I said "we should end this" I wanted to see his reaction and I also knew if I didn't say something my feelings were going to get stronger. That week at work in a meeting he would openly say how another female colleague looked amazing & compliment her. Sure he was staring at me from across the table but not the way he used too.

 

We had a work event where he was acting so strange..I said to him "did u just say my name?" He said "no, do u want me too?" I laughed it off & walked away confused. He walked past me & repeated it "did u say my name? No do u want me too? Ha ha" so I took the liberty and said "yes, but not here" he turned around and said "you said never again" I said nothing & it occurred to me this was all a game. Infront of me he starting flirting openly with another girl which killed me inside yet I couldn't show it because it was around work. I walked away & ring my best friend and broke down on the phone. It made me realise how strongly I felt for him & how he was acting like I meant nothing.

 

Maybe he is just a player and I got used. I got myself all worked up & angry and just wanted to leave. Didn't want to look at him or speak to him. I was trying so hard to not break down & cry. It was like he was taunting me knowing I was angry. We were packing up the event with my other bosses and out of the blue in front of everyone he said "so J, when are you going to find a boyfriend who can help us pack up" the group was silent and I angrily just said "true" threw some stuff down and walked off.

 

When i was saying my goodbyes everyone wanted to go for drinks & for the first time I said no. I wanted to go home & let my emotions out! He said "you not coming for drinks" I said "no" he said "why?" I said "don't want too" I then said my goodbyes to everyone (but not him) with a kiss & a hug and started walking to my car..he then jokingly yells infront of the group "what do I not get a kiss and a hug?!" I was so hurt and angry but couldn't show it that I turned around walked up to him gave him a hug and my cheek and walked off.

 

2 hours later I got a text asking "you ok?" I didn't respond and I havent. It's been a week & I saw him at work the first time yesterday. Yet again, we were in a group meeting and he openly talks himself up about cheerleaders and the next event the girls should compete to win a night with him. He then went on to say " J you might want to block your ears for this conversation" I laughed & shrugged it off infront of the team.

 

After the meeting finished, everyone was walking back & he just hung around..waiting for me to get my things and walk back with him. It was small talk about his business trip then I walked away.

 

I am so confused as to what he is doing. We have a business trip booked next week where we are taking some clients away for the night. I'm torn as to is he trying to make me jealous because I rejected him? Or is he just an A-hole and this is him. I really like him but why all of a sudden is he acting so macho and wanting me to hear about how hot other women are. He's never done that before, he's been seperated for 4 months so I realise he's probably emotionally unavailable but what do I do now?

 

I don't want this to end, but I also don't want to be kept a dirty secret or be used if he's only in this for sex. Does he care about me at all? He always goes on about how much of a career I can make in this role and he tries & helps me but I am so confused. It's horrible knowing he is making a point to me infront of everyone where I can't react? Why? He's also said to me "do you hate me for bringing you over here" whaaaaat?! It's like I'm under a spell but being used all at the same time. Can anyone shed some light and or advise me to what I should do? Please help

Edited February 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[gettingstronger]

He is an ego-tripping user- you can play his game to move up the corp ladder but protect your heart from him- or you can continue to stay away-the choice is yours-he has laid out what he is all about and what you can gain/lose from becoming involved with him- do I believe you are different to him than all the others he is probably involved with-no, but I do believe you can be different in not taking his bait and stroking his ego-

[Rainbowlove]

You don't want to be a dirty secret, but that's exactly what you are.

 

This guy is a serial cheater.

 

I'm sorry, but you are not the first and you will not be the last.

 

Walk away from this dirt bag now.

 

Save yourself. You are not under a spell, you are making poor choices that will only lead to further self-destruction and self-hatred.

 

Do not give him the time of day. Ignore his belittling, snide comments. He's trying to manipulate you and you are falling for it.

 

Walk away.

[anika99]

He was cheating before he even got married. Then he cheated throughout the newlywed phase of his marriage. It's rich that he left his wife for cheating on him when that's exactly what he was doing to her. I don't know if I even believe that his wife was cheating on him. If she was it sounds like he married someone just like himself. Either way do you not find it pretty creepy that he married someone while he was cheating on her?

 

 

Then after he separated he asked you why don't you have boyfriend. That's a clear signal that he didn't consider himself as your bf and he didn't want you to either. If he was in love with you then once he left his wife he would have said something to indicate that he wanted a future with you.

 

 

I'm sure the guy enjoyed having you in the wings all this time. I'm sure he enjoyed the affair but it's never going to turn into a love story. His ego didn't like being rejected by you and he probably misses your attention but if you start seeing him again you will go back into your mistress position, even if he's separated, because that is what he sees you as. You should work on not caring and walking away from his foolishness. Remember he was cheating before he even got married. He isn't a good guy.

[Lurkeraspect]

Not real sure why you'd want to keep anything going with this man given all his negative attributes. He is a serial cheater, treats you horribly, uses you when it's convenient for him, makes fun of you in front of your coworkers, not a nice person in general. But since you've stated that you don't want things to end...your best course of action is to be aloof, protect your heart, be available whenever he wants sex, put your life on hold, never date a single, available man, accept his crap behavior, and never ask or demand anything, know there will be others you're sharing him with, as well, because that's just who he is.

 

Is that what you want your future to look like?

 

Would you accept this treatment from a single boyfriend?

 

I hope you'll take care of yourself first and demand more from the people who claim to care about you.

[whatatangledweb]

It seems it may have hurt his ego to be dumped or he thought he was dumped. I don't think he thought of you as more than a FWB. Your emotions got involved and you wanted more. Did he ever change his view of your relationship?

 

He is behaving very childishly. Trying to make you come back . I'm sorry but I don't think from his side that he will give you more than a FWB relationship.

[Realist3]

im in a FWB situation with my boss. It has been going on for 4 years.

 

Maybe at one point, but not any longer. MM is in a FWB relationship with you, but you obviously crossed that line on your side. It would be pretty simple to have an honest discussion. "What is this to you?"

[Chasing_mya]

You're a game to him, straight up. He doesn't care about your feelings and has a HUGE ego. He made that clear by the way he flirts and mind f@#ks you. You relocated to another country and now work under him. Is it possible for you to seek employment elsewhere? This manis toxic and please know you are not the only one he's dealing with. Cut your losses sweety and move on. Pelase focus on a single, available man that can give you the love and peace of mind that you deserve. You are not a game and you shouldn't allow him to treat you as such.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you want it to end? DO you enjoy the game he's playing? Using you, making you feel confused and crazy? THAT is not love. He knows you will eventually cave and sex with him.

He doesn't respect you and this push/pull, cat/mouse game feeds his ego.

[Sassy Girl]

He's putting you in your place.

 

He's 4 months separated, successful, and let me guess... good looking. He's nailing everything he can right now.

 

Honestly, he sounds like a narcissist... best run while you can.

[GoBlue]

To be honest it sounds like he is doing the same thing you did when you said "let's end this." You really didn't mean it you were just trying to get a reaction. It sounds like he is doing his very best to get a reaction as well. Why don't the two of you sit down and have an honest and open conversation? The truth is he is a married man - are you sure you want to make a committment or be in a relationship with a guy who you spent four years having an affair with? How can that possibly form a strong foundation for love? In my experience, FWB situations seldom work out well for both parties. One of the two usually gets hurt deeply. Throw in the whole "boss employee" scenario you are in and there are many more problems at several levels. What is it that you really want?